The ups and downs of life
I doubt there are anyone left on LJ that I care about, but it is nice to remember that there is this outlet for me to talk about things in my life that I want a listening ear for, but do not want to share with my friends and family.
I think hardships in life comes in all unexpected forms. When I was active on LJ, it was grappling with how V didn't love me the way I wanted him to. And then once I went back to Singapore, it was getting used to how crowded the country has become. 2012 was a year of dealing with my nephew's terminal illness, his passing, and then my own struggles with grief, anxiety and depression.
2014 and 2015, now I have everything. I am fine with being in Singapore, I have found and am happily in love (I am married!!- and not to V, though we are still friends), I deal with the fact that I may sometimes be depressed or anxious, but those times will be pass. Things are all good, but I can't say that I feel like I can beat anything that comes my way you know. Many times I still fear I can never be who I want to be in life- and truth is, I no longer really know who or what I want to be in life anymore... besides being a mother.
So yes, you guessed it, my husband and I are trying for a baby, and it hasn't happened yet. We haven't tried very long yet. Probably 4 to 5 months, but I am already feeling the stress. It's weighing down on my shoulders, and I am prone to anxiety!! I already know that I shouldn't too stressed, when you are stressed, babies don't happen, try not to think about it blah blah blah... I also know people mean well when they give me advice like this, but damnit! Don't you get it that asking me not thinking about when I am ggoing to conceive is like asking me not to think about the elephant in the room. It's such a huge deal to me and I love kids so much, how do I not anticipate and expect and even hope?
Honestly, I didn't think it would be that hard, especially when people around me are getting pregnant with a month or two of trying, plus my ovulation cycles are like a clockwork and I knew the science (PhD after all no?). I really really really didn't think we would be disappointed 5 times in a row. Some days, in fact, most days, I just cannot imagine myself as a mother, even though I really would love to be one and believe I would be a good one. Other days, I tell myself, I couldn't imagine myself getting married either, but look where am I now, happily married!!! It will happen and I must be positive and keep my faith. I also understand that trying 5 months is a little too early for me to be whining about infertility, but look I have a plan, my plan is to have a baby in 2015. I always have a plan in life, be it finishing my PhD, or finding love (that was why V not loving didn't hit me as hard as it should have, because that wasn't part of my plan), and having a baby in 2015 was my plan. Now I realize, that isn't something you can plan for, and as much as I hate it, I need rethink my OCD tendencies, and chill. Infact, I just told my husband yesterday that I don't plan to try in April. I mean I am sure I would still be aware of when I would be fertile and be anticipating the next time my period is due, but I hope at least I won't be hoping as hard as the past few months.
I really just need a break.
In May, I will try again.
Wish me luck girls. I think a need a lot of it.
PS: All those people who friended me for subs, please see that I haven't translated or subbed for like 6 years? I won't be doing that anytime soon, I have forgotten a huge ton of my Japanese anyway, so don't ask me for a dead link or anything like that. Also, please, I don't care if my subs are streaming, let them stream, it's fine with me. Thank you.
I think hardships in life comes in all unexpected forms. When I was active on LJ, it was grappling with how V didn't love me the way I wanted him to. And then once I went back to Singapore, it was getting used to how crowded the country has become. 2012 was a year of dealing with my nephew's terminal illness, his passing, and then my own struggles with grief, anxiety and depression.
2014 and 2015, now I have everything. I am fine with being in Singapore, I have found and am happily in love (I am married!!- and not to V, though we are still friends), I deal with the fact that I may sometimes be depressed or anxious, but those times will be pass. Things are all good, but I can't say that I feel like I can beat anything that comes my way you know. Many times I still fear I can never be who I want to be in life- and truth is, I no longer really know who or what I want to be in life anymore... besides being a mother.
So yes, you guessed it, my husband and I are trying for a baby, and it hasn't happened yet. We haven't tried very long yet. Probably 4 to 5 months, but I am already feeling the stress. It's weighing down on my shoulders, and I am prone to anxiety!! I already know that I shouldn't too stressed, when you are stressed, babies don't happen, try not to think about it blah blah blah... I also know people mean well when they give me advice like this, but damnit! Don't you get it that asking me not thinking about when I am ggoing to conceive is like asking me not to think about the elephant in the room. It's such a huge deal to me and I love kids so much, how do I not anticipate and expect and even hope?
Honestly, I didn't think it would be that hard, especially when people around me are getting pregnant with a month or two of trying, plus my ovulation cycles are like a clockwork and I knew the science (PhD after all no?). I really really really didn't think we would be disappointed 5 times in a row. Some days, in fact, most days, I just cannot imagine myself as a mother, even though I really would love to be one and believe I would be a good one. Other days, I tell myself, I couldn't imagine myself getting married either, but look where am I now, happily married!!! It will happen and I must be positive and keep my faith. I also understand that trying 5 months is a little too early for me to be whining about infertility, but look I have a plan, my plan is to have a baby in 2015. I always have a plan in life, be it finishing my PhD, or finding love (that was why V not loving didn't hit me as hard as it should have, because that wasn't part of my plan), and having a baby in 2015 was my plan. Now I realize, that isn't something you can plan for, and as much as I hate it, I need rethink my OCD tendencies, and chill. Infact, I just told my husband yesterday that I don't plan to try in April. I mean I am sure I would still be aware of when I would be fertile and be anticipating the next time my period is due, but I hope at least I won't be hoping as hard as the past few months.
I really just need a break.
In May, I will try again.
Wish me luck girls. I think a need a lot of it.
PS: All those people who friended me for subs, please see that I haven't translated or subbed for like 6 years? I won't be doing that anytime soon, I have forgotten a huge ton of my Japanese anyway, so don't ask me for a dead link or anything like that. Also, please, I don't care if my subs are streaming, let them stream, it's fine with me. Thank you.