Explanation
Hi Flist,
I think I owe all of you guys an apology and an explanation for all the disappearing and re-appearing acts I have been pulling. It takes some courage to re-tell my story, but because I had some awesome friends here on LJ (with Jenny even becoming a real life friend), I think I can deal with it.
2012 was a very tough year for me, with moving back to Singapore from America. When I was in USA, I lived in a quiet college town, where school was 10 minutes away from home. Singapore is very different. Home is more than an hour of commute from work, and public transport here is quite crazy. It is packed, packed, packed during peak hours, I normally have to wait 3-4 trains just to get on, once I waited 10. I had a hard time adjusting to the crowd, living with parents, taking on the responsibilities of an working adult. Then came July, I got news that my favorite nephew in China (I come from a very close knitted family, I am very close to all my cousins, and I used to baby sit their kids for them) was diagnosed with 4th stage glioblastoma, the most aggressive type of brain tumor. At the time of diagnosis, the tumor was already bigger than a tennis ball, the prognosis was terrible, my 16 year old nephew was given 3 months to live. I can't remember much of what really happened after I received the news, my memories of that period was simply blotchy, I mostly remember being in denial and being in pain. I remember weeping through the entire last Batman movie. I also remember trying to talk to anyone who can help at work, I remember being angry, at God (not that I was ever religious), angry at myself, for having a PhD in cancer biology,and yet is helpless. Whenever I went out and did things with my boyfriend or my friends, all I could think of was how I am enjoying life and my nephew was simply waiting for death at the age of 16.
To cut a long story short, a month after my nephew's diagnosis, I was clinically diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, a psychiatric disorder caused by stress. My nephew lived for 3 months 2 days after his diagnosis, and passed away on the 18th of October 2012. Shortly after his death, my anxiety turned into depression, I couldn't eat, didn't sleep for 3 weeks. My heart felt like there was literally a hole in it, and I just couldn't live anymore. It is a scary place to be and if you have never been there, I cannot tell you how dark the place felt. I couldn't work, I have no interest in living, and honestly, I have no idea what to do with myself. My mum dragged me to another psychiatrist (who was a much better one than the first), who put me on lexapro. She also took me home to see my cousin, and I got some closure.
I am much much better now. The pain is stil there, but I can function with it. We co-exist now. Now I know that I will never forget the pain of losing my favorite nephew, but I will get over the hurt. Life has to go on, and I will live well for everyone's sake.
This episode in life has brought me to thinking about my dreams and aspiration. I started thinking about going to cosmetology school again, and have already started looking at the different options in Singapore. While I am at that, I have also decided to start a blog with a close friend, focusing on makeup and fashion. Not sure what will come out of the blog, but I want to try and follow my heart, do something I like, instead of just blindly go to work, go home, get married and have kids someday. The blog is still in the making, I hope you guys will support it when it's up.
I need to run, but I promise we will speak again soon!
PS: I got engaged. Peiyi proposed while I was depressed in an attempt to cheer me up. Of course it didnt work, I also don't really remember much of how we got engaged. But I am happy about it now, and we have already booked a venue for the wedding dinner. Will update more. :)
I think I owe all of you guys an apology and an explanation for all the disappearing and re-appearing acts I have been pulling. It takes some courage to re-tell my story, but because I had some awesome friends here on LJ (with Jenny even becoming a real life friend), I think I can deal with it.
2012 was a very tough year for me, with moving back to Singapore from America. When I was in USA, I lived in a quiet college town, where school was 10 minutes away from home. Singapore is very different. Home is more than an hour of commute from work, and public transport here is quite crazy. It is packed, packed, packed during peak hours, I normally have to wait 3-4 trains just to get on, once I waited 10. I had a hard time adjusting to the crowd, living with parents, taking on the responsibilities of an working adult. Then came July, I got news that my favorite nephew in China (I come from a very close knitted family, I am very close to all my cousins, and I used to baby sit their kids for them) was diagnosed with 4th stage glioblastoma, the most aggressive type of brain tumor. At the time of diagnosis, the tumor was already bigger than a tennis ball, the prognosis was terrible, my 16 year old nephew was given 3 months to live. I can't remember much of what really happened after I received the news, my memories of that period was simply blotchy, I mostly remember being in denial and being in pain. I remember weeping through the entire last Batman movie. I also remember trying to talk to anyone who can help at work, I remember being angry, at God (not that I was ever religious), angry at myself, for having a PhD in cancer biology,and yet is helpless. Whenever I went out and did things with my boyfriend or my friends, all I could think of was how I am enjoying life and my nephew was simply waiting for death at the age of 16.
To cut a long story short, a month after my nephew's diagnosis, I was clinically diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, a psychiatric disorder caused by stress. My nephew lived for 3 months 2 days after his diagnosis, and passed away on the 18th of October 2012. Shortly after his death, my anxiety turned into depression, I couldn't eat, didn't sleep for 3 weeks. My heart felt like there was literally a hole in it, and I just couldn't live anymore. It is a scary place to be and if you have never been there, I cannot tell you how dark the place felt. I couldn't work, I have no interest in living, and honestly, I have no idea what to do with myself. My mum dragged me to another psychiatrist (who was a much better one than the first), who put me on lexapro. She also took me home to see my cousin, and I got some closure.
I am much much better now. The pain is stil there, but I can function with it. We co-exist now. Now I know that I will never forget the pain of losing my favorite nephew, but I will get over the hurt. Life has to go on, and I will live well for everyone's sake.
This episode in life has brought me to thinking about my dreams and aspiration. I started thinking about going to cosmetology school again, and have already started looking at the different options in Singapore. While I am at that, I have also decided to start a blog with a close friend, focusing on makeup and fashion. Not sure what will come out of the blog, but I want to try and follow my heart, do something I like, instead of just blindly go to work, go home, get married and have kids someday. The blog is still in the making, I hope you guys will support it when it's up.
I need to run, but I promise we will speak again soon!
PS: I got engaged. Peiyi proposed while I was depressed in an attempt to cheer me up. Of course it didnt work, I also don't really remember much of how we got engaged. But I am happy about it now, and we have already booked a venue for the wedding dinner. Will update more. :)