a sense of home
Very early this morning, my family flew back home to Singapore. J sent them to the airport, and I remained behind with the sleeping children. In the past two weeks I had gotten used to having someone around to talk to at any time of the day (the kids don't count) and mostly enjoyed the hustle and bustle at home.
Today, the day they left, was a funny sort of transitional day for me. Having them visit after being away for nine months, and then having them leave again, has only highlighted to me just how far away I am from my 'normal' life back 'home'. The definition of 'home' is now vague for me. Our apartment in Singapore has been rented out, and I know that the tenants have redecorated, brought their own furniture in, changed things around. Although it legally belongs to J and I, in my heart it is no longer home.
Then there is my parents' home, the home I grew up in. We probably will stay there during our summer visit since there is plenty of space now that my sister has gotten married and moved out. I haven't lived with my parents for a decade so I'm sure the experience of (temporarily) living with them again will be slightly bumpy, especially with children in tow.
And then there is home, right here right now, in a space that is comfortable but still not entirely familiar. It will take time, for me at least, to properly settle in and genuinely feel at ease with the place in the same way I was in our apartment in Singapore. I have no doubt we picked the right apartment for our time here but like all new spaces, it takes time for us to adjust to it, the same way it adjusts to us.
I've realised over the last couple of months that The Bun has been slightly confused or anxious about the whole home business. He began storing boxes in his closet and hoarding all sorts of objects in it - papers, books, rocks, plastic toys etc. If I asked him to go through it and weed out the rubbish he would protest because he claimed the box was for when we 'go to Singapore.' I get the sense that he's worried about the permanence of his space and belongings. He's aware that we will be returning in August but I think he's confused about whether that means we're going 'home' or for a holiday. I've told him that when we do move back, the movers will give us boxes to store our stuff in, and this summer, we'll take our things in suitcases because it will be like a holiday. He seems to understand but it will probably take time for that to properly sink in.
His grandmother has been bunking in his bedroom for the whole of the visit and every night they have been snuggling together and talking. She told me that he was a little teary last night because he knew that it was their last night together, for a while more at least (which is forever in little kid time). He had already been told that they would leave while he was still asleep so he would wake up after they were gone. In the last two weeks he has enjoyed all the extra attention and treats from the family and he is now old enough to understand the extent of the separation when they leave.
I felt pretty sorry for him and also guilty for putting him in this sort of situation - far away from extended family, making big adjustments to a foreign culture, etc. There are definitely pros to living abroad but there are also many cons. So this morning I let him sleep in a bit and then went in to his room to cuddle him and wake him up gently. I was expecting him to be upset about the emptiness at home (J had gone back to work and it was only me and the kids) but he only asked if everyone had already gone to the airport, requested to Skype with them when they arrived in Singapore (tomorrow), and then rolled over and flipped back to his usual self.
The day was drizzly and grey so we spent most today at home. I actually think the kids enjoyed their time indoors - The Bun in particular played quietly in his room for much of the morning and wasn't whiny at all the whole day. I had prepped activities like cookie baking or a trip to the park (not that we could go in the rain) to cheer him up but he had batted my ideas away, preferring to do his own thing instead. When the family was here we went out almost everyday, so I guess he wanted some downtime in the comforts of home. He's looking forward to the new school term and seeing his friends again.
In a few months it will mark one year since we moved here. I have new and emerging friendships and I am slowly settling into the culture here, but I'm not sure just when it will be when this place really feels properly like home.
Today, the day they left, was a funny sort of transitional day for me. Having them visit after being away for nine months, and then having them leave again, has only highlighted to me just how far away I am from my 'normal' life back 'home'. The definition of 'home' is now vague for me. Our apartment in Singapore has been rented out, and I know that the tenants have redecorated, brought their own furniture in, changed things around. Although it legally belongs to J and I, in my heart it is no longer home.
Then there is my parents' home, the home I grew up in. We probably will stay there during our summer visit since there is plenty of space now that my sister has gotten married and moved out. I haven't lived with my parents for a decade so I'm sure the experience of (temporarily) living with them again will be slightly bumpy, especially with children in tow.
And then there is home, right here right now, in a space that is comfortable but still not entirely familiar. It will take time, for me at least, to properly settle in and genuinely feel at ease with the place in the same way I was in our apartment in Singapore. I have no doubt we picked the right apartment for our time here but like all new spaces, it takes time for us to adjust to it, the same way it adjusts to us.
I've realised over the last couple of months that The Bun has been slightly confused or anxious about the whole home business. He began storing boxes in his closet and hoarding all sorts of objects in it - papers, books, rocks, plastic toys etc. If I asked him to go through it and weed out the rubbish he would protest because he claimed the box was for when we 'go to Singapore.' I get the sense that he's worried about the permanence of his space and belongings. He's aware that we will be returning in August but I think he's confused about whether that means we're going 'home' or for a holiday. I've told him that when we do move back, the movers will give us boxes to store our stuff in, and this summer, we'll take our things in suitcases because it will be like a holiday. He seems to understand but it will probably take time for that to properly sink in.
His grandmother has been bunking in his bedroom for the whole of the visit and every night they have been snuggling together and talking. She told me that he was a little teary last night because he knew that it was their last night together, for a while more at least (which is forever in little kid time). He had already been told that they would leave while he was still asleep so he would wake up after they were gone. In the last two weeks he has enjoyed all the extra attention and treats from the family and he is now old enough to understand the extent of the separation when they leave.
I felt pretty sorry for him and also guilty for putting him in this sort of situation - far away from extended family, making big adjustments to a foreign culture, etc. There are definitely pros to living abroad but there are also many cons. So this morning I let him sleep in a bit and then went in to his room to cuddle him and wake him up gently. I was expecting him to be upset about the emptiness at home (J had gone back to work and it was only me and the kids) but he only asked if everyone had already gone to the airport, requested to Skype with them when they arrived in Singapore (tomorrow), and then rolled over and flipped back to his usual self.
The day was drizzly and grey so we spent most today at home. I actually think the kids enjoyed their time indoors - The Bun in particular played quietly in his room for much of the morning and wasn't whiny at all the whole day. I had prepped activities like cookie baking or a trip to the park (not that we could go in the rain) to cheer him up but he had batted my ideas away, preferring to do his own thing instead. When the family was here we went out almost everyday, so I guess he wanted some downtime in the comforts of home. He's looking forward to the new school term and seeing his friends again.
In a few months it will mark one year since we moved here. I have new and emerging friendships and I am slowly settling into the culture here, but I'm not sure just when it will be when this place really feels properly like home.