happy enough
Tonight while watching The Bun get up to his usual pre-bedtime antics, I couldn't help but think, oh my goodness, isn't it fantastic that I'll only have to go through this once!' and then I also felt a bit sad that I was seeing such a fleeting phase of The Bun's childhood passing right before my eyes. The idea of another child has crossed my mind several times over the last few months, and if I am being honest here, for every time I think how cute another baby would be!, I have thrice the number of thoughts that immediately flood through my head, arguing NOT the opposite (for a baby cannot help being the squalling, life-disrupting force that it is, after all), but how much better my life is, or would be, with just one. An only. Just one Bun.
My mother tells me I would be selfish to deprive The Bun of a sibling. Yes, I know children with siblings are better equipped to learn how to share, negotiate, manipulate, care and communicate with someone else. The ideal fantasy being that the siblings grow up sharing and caring for each other, and when you finally slouch off the mortal coil they still have each other. When you are old and incontinent and not dissimilar to a baby they are able to share the load of caregiving (hopefully). They have each other for secrets and for peer support. They play with each other.
I think I like the idea of having another kid, but the practical side of me really dreads it. I know the early years are tough, yadda yadda yadda, and that as they grow older and fight less befriend each other, it is really fulfilling to see how they get along and look after each other. I know that with a second child comes A LOT more work and A LOT more change that I can possibly be prepared for, assuming one can even be prepared for something like change. I know they bring joy and satisfaction too, which is all well and good, apart from the little voice inside me that says aren't you happy enough already? isn't this good enough? Another little voice whispers that I already lucked out with The Bun, a relatively easy infant and a happy (for now) toddler. Why put myself in the path of additional heartache, exhaustion, and expense when I am already happy enough?
A morbid side of me also places the second child in an 'insurance' role. Painful to imagine, but not unnatural to think.
The truth is, as ever, J and I will just take things as they come our way. We didn't actively work on conceiving The Bun and even as we discuss the possibility of a second child, none of it is in a practical, set-your-calendars way. There are already some major changes on our present horizon to look forward to and to plan for, and at this juncture, I am really reluctant to rock the boat.
I don't know if I want another kid. I don't know if I don't want another kid. As always, I know that what happens, will happen, and I will simply roll with it and eventually find a way to be happy in my own way. It's so much easier to take the planning out of family planning, and to absolve oneself of the responsibility of choice and change.
My mother tells me I would be selfish to deprive The Bun of a sibling. Yes, I know children with siblings are better equipped to learn how to share, negotiate, manipulate, care and communicate with someone else. The ideal fantasy being that the siblings grow up sharing and caring for each other, and when you finally slouch off the mortal coil they still have each other. When you are old and incontinent and not dissimilar to a baby they are able to share the load of caregiving (hopefully). They have each other for secrets and for peer support. They play with each other.
I think I like the idea of having another kid, but the practical side of me really dreads it. I know the early years are tough, yadda yadda yadda, and that as they grow older and fight less befriend each other, it is really fulfilling to see how they get along and look after each other. I know that with a second child comes A LOT more work and A LOT more change that I can possibly be prepared for, assuming one can even be prepared for something like change. I know they bring joy and satisfaction too, which is all well and good, apart from the little voice inside me that says aren't you happy enough already? isn't this good enough? Another little voice whispers that I already lucked out with The Bun, a relatively easy infant and a happy (for now) toddler. Why put myself in the path of additional heartache, exhaustion, and expense when I am already happy enough?
A morbid side of me also places the second child in an 'insurance' role. Painful to imagine, but not unnatural to think.
The truth is, as ever, J and I will just take things as they come our way. We didn't actively work on conceiving The Bun and even as we discuss the possibility of a second child, none of it is in a practical, set-your-calendars way. There are already some major changes on our present horizon to look forward to and to plan for, and at this juncture, I am really reluctant to rock the boat.
I don't know if I want another kid. I don't know if I don't want another kid. As always, I know that what happens, will happen, and I will simply roll with it and eventually find a way to be happy in my own way. It's so much easier to take the planning out of family planning, and to absolve oneself of the responsibility of choice and change.