Oy...
So many things going through my mind at this very moment. Don't know if I'll be able to get it all written down before things start slipping from mind.
I would first like to release some fear/frustration/prolonging disenchantment that's been growing over this last week mainly surfacing from school. I believe it was my last journal entry that I had finally decided to pursue nursing with the hopes of one day going into nursing anesthesia. And while I still feel that's the clearest direction I'm being pulled into, the anatomy class I'm taking right now is kind of really scaring me. This is the backbone of the whole medical career and I'm scared that I don't really have what it takes to make it. I keep telling myself "Now that you know what you want to do and you have a goal for yourself you have to secrete all those crappy ideas of failure and laziness and do what needs to be done." And while I love to tell myself that, actually doing it is what I find trouble with. I don't know if it's more that I love to be distracted and have yet to migrate from my ways of procrastination that have gotten me to this point, but I'm somewhat certain that that's what it is. I've yet to discipline myself to place primary focus on school before all else and it doesn't help that I don't really have anyone around me that can play the role of my muse. Sure I finally have people to talk to while at school (sometimes) but it's not the same as having someone to study with, someone who can physically be there to slap my across the back of my head when I start to deviate from studying when given the time, or someone to just sit with me and help me go over notes or at the least really encourage me to do so. I know it sounds juvenile to want to have someone else help me with things I should be capable of handling myself, but that's just how I am. And the contradictory thing about this whole thing is that, because I have developed my role as such a loner at school, I've yet to even TRY to talk to my classmates in my anatomy class. I have this idea that I can do things on my own and I don't need the help of anyone else, even though I know, especially in this case, that's so far from the truth. And in the end I'm going to be the one who winds up with a big fat D on my semester report card. It's ridiculous the way I don't act the way I know I should... if that makes sense to any of you readers. Maybe you know what I'm talking about. Even so, there's still this part of me that isn't fully convinced that this is the way I should be going with life. Is nursing something I really want to do?? My answer for right now is, sure. I can't think of anything that is really compelling me in one way so I guess I might as well go with nursing since I have somewhat clear "GO" (not the best reason to go after something so serious but that's the best I have at the moment). Life is....ugh..!
I think I may actually get involved this semester; expand that social net; get to know some people; stop being such a loner. The only way I plan on doing that though is by joining the bowling club ECC has going this year. I may join ASO but I think that's a little to much for me right now. So many things they do, so much communication that must take place. Although I love socialization, socialization with people I don't know is just frightening. I'm so weird... I'm just like a walking contradiction, indifferent to any and all things pertaining to growth and development of life beyond physicality. Can anyone say "GOOBER"??!!
I had a conversation with Alex one night about this and it just keeps popping up. We were talking about where we are in life and all the events that took place to get us to where we are and how things could have been different. Like if I had gone to APU how different my life would have been right now. I wouldn't have gotten a job and met all the cool people I have. My friendships with my high school would be so different, we'd probably be more distant. Things just would have been completely different and I'm not so sure that I would prefer anything to the way things are now. Not to say that I'm enjoying going to a community college and living at home and all, but I do like the fact that I'm gaining life experience with just about each day that goes by. Working and going to school at such a young age is not idealized and somewhat discouraged (and for good reason) but it helps to build character and strength in conviction. Lately when people tell me how old they think I am I've been getting 20. Now I take that in a positive and negative way. Negatively because not too long ago I was getting 16 and the like, which means something happened between then and now that's making me look old. Maybe it's the "stress" of working and schooling. I can't really know for sure. But on the positive side, I think I like the fact that people think I'm mature for my age. There's something about the way I present myself that separates me from my actual age-mates and I think I like that. I don't look like I don't know what I want to do with myself or that I'm oblivious to life and whatnot. I look like I have a purpose and I'm pursuing it. Which makes me wonder if Tolu has that or not since people (typically my friends) think that I'm the older of the two of us. I really don't know and my thought train on this subject is being surpressed.
I would like to say though that having met and getting to know the people I have and done the things I've had over the past few months has been really great. Laura, Ronnie, Alex, Sonia, Martin.... Man, these people are awesome. I've really enjoyed getting to know Alex especially though. Not to say that there's some type of romantic involvement here, just that he's a really cool person to hang out with. Rarely is there ever a dull moment. His taste in music is FABULOUS. His life is really interesting. The way he thinks is not vivid but I think I'm catching on. He makes my day. I just don't understand why everyone is making our friendship into some big thing. Is it not allowed for a guy and a girl to get to know each other, form a true, stable friendship without some sort of "nookie" on the side??? Like I know the way we started hanging out seemed romantic and whatnot but over time it's become clear (to me at least) that we just have a platonic thing going on. Why I keep getting asked "Have you guys gone out lately? Has he put the moves on you? When are you guys going out again?" and stupid ---- like that just boggles me. But whatever.
Finally spoke to Susan. She called me the other night and we spent like an hour on the phone catching up. I'd forgotten how much I love that chick. She's seriously like one of the top three coolest people I know. I just wish we hadn't lost touch over the years. I think the last time either of us spoke or saw the other was at her 15. Almost four years!!! Where has all the time gone?!?!? Where were we during all this time?!?!?!? Thank goodness for myspace otherwise it may have been longer till we caught up. We're planning to hit some shows within the next few weeks and I hope hope hope that they don't fall through. I would love to check out these bands perform but I would love to hang out with her more. Even if shows aren't involved we must get together. I miss her so much =( Both of our lives have changed due to one thing or another and we need to share the life moments that we missed out on. *tear*
So yeah... thanks for reading!! =D
I would first like to release some fear/frustration/prolonging disenchantment that's been growing over this last week mainly surfacing from school. I believe it was my last journal entry that I had finally decided to pursue nursing with the hopes of one day going into nursing anesthesia. And while I still feel that's the clearest direction I'm being pulled into, the anatomy class I'm taking right now is kind of really scaring me. This is the backbone of the whole medical career and I'm scared that I don't really have what it takes to make it. I keep telling myself "Now that you know what you want to do and you have a goal for yourself you have to secrete all those crappy ideas of failure and laziness and do what needs to be done." And while I love to tell myself that, actually doing it is what I find trouble with. I don't know if it's more that I love to be distracted and have yet to migrate from my ways of procrastination that have gotten me to this point, but I'm somewhat certain that that's what it is. I've yet to discipline myself to place primary focus on school before all else and it doesn't help that I don't really have anyone around me that can play the role of my muse. Sure I finally have people to talk to while at school (sometimes) but it's not the same as having someone to study with, someone who can physically be there to slap my across the back of my head when I start to deviate from studying when given the time, or someone to just sit with me and help me go over notes or at the least really encourage me to do so. I know it sounds juvenile to want to have someone else help me with things I should be capable of handling myself, but that's just how I am. And the contradictory thing about this whole thing is that, because I have developed my role as such a loner at school, I've yet to even TRY to talk to my classmates in my anatomy class. I have this idea that I can do things on my own and I don't need the help of anyone else, even though I know, especially in this case, that's so far from the truth. And in the end I'm going to be the one who winds up with a big fat D on my semester report card. It's ridiculous the way I don't act the way I know I should... if that makes sense to any of you readers. Maybe you know what I'm talking about. Even so, there's still this part of me that isn't fully convinced that this is the way I should be going with life. Is nursing something I really want to do?? My answer for right now is, sure. I can't think of anything that is really compelling me in one way so I guess I might as well go with nursing since I have somewhat clear "GO" (not the best reason to go after something so serious but that's the best I have at the moment). Life is....ugh..!
I think I may actually get involved this semester; expand that social net; get to know some people; stop being such a loner. The only way I plan on doing that though is by joining the bowling club ECC has going this year. I may join ASO but I think that's a little to much for me right now. So many things they do, so much communication that must take place. Although I love socialization, socialization with people I don't know is just frightening. I'm so weird... I'm just like a walking contradiction, indifferent to any and all things pertaining to growth and development of life beyond physicality. Can anyone say "GOOBER"??!!
I had a conversation with Alex one night about this and it just keeps popping up. We were talking about where we are in life and all the events that took place to get us to where we are and how things could have been different. Like if I had gone to APU how different my life would have been right now. I wouldn't have gotten a job and met all the cool people I have. My friendships with my high school would be so different, we'd probably be more distant. Things just would have been completely different and I'm not so sure that I would prefer anything to the way things are now. Not to say that I'm enjoying going to a community college and living at home and all, but I do like the fact that I'm gaining life experience with just about each day that goes by. Working and going to school at such a young age is not idealized and somewhat discouraged (and for good reason) but it helps to build character and strength in conviction. Lately when people tell me how old they think I am I've been getting 20. Now I take that in a positive and negative way. Negatively because not too long ago I was getting 16 and the like, which means something happened between then and now that's making me look old. Maybe it's the "stress" of working and schooling. I can't really know for sure. But on the positive side, I think I like the fact that people think I'm mature for my age. There's something about the way I present myself that separates me from my actual age-mates and I think I like that. I don't look like I don't know what I want to do with myself or that I'm oblivious to life and whatnot. I look like I have a purpose and I'm pursuing it. Which makes me wonder if Tolu has that or not since people (typically my friends) think that I'm the older of the two of us. I really don't know and my thought train on this subject is being surpressed.
I would like to say though that having met and getting to know the people I have and done the things I've had over the past few months has been really great. Laura, Ronnie, Alex, Sonia, Martin.... Man, these people are awesome. I've really enjoyed getting to know Alex especially though. Not to say that there's some type of romantic involvement here, just that he's a really cool person to hang out with. Rarely is there ever a dull moment. His taste in music is FABULOUS. His life is really interesting. The way he thinks is not vivid but I think I'm catching on. He makes my day. I just don't understand why everyone is making our friendship into some big thing. Is it not allowed for a guy and a girl to get to know each other, form a true, stable friendship without some sort of "nookie" on the side??? Like I know the way we started hanging out seemed romantic and whatnot but over time it's become clear (to me at least) that we just have a platonic thing going on. Why I keep getting asked "Have you guys gone out lately? Has he put the moves on you? When are you guys going out again?" and stupid ---- like that just boggles me. But whatever.
Finally spoke to Susan. She called me the other night and we spent like an hour on the phone catching up. I'd forgotten how much I love that chick. She's seriously like one of the top three coolest people I know. I just wish we hadn't lost touch over the years. I think the last time either of us spoke or saw the other was at her 15. Almost four years!!! Where has all the time gone?!?!? Where were we during all this time?!?!?!? Thank goodness for myspace otherwise it may have been longer till we caught up. We're planning to hit some shows within the next few weeks and I hope hope hope that they don't fall through. I would love to check out these bands perform but I would love to hang out with her more. Even if shows aren't involved we must get together. I miss her so much =( Both of our lives have changed due to one thing or another and we need to share the life moments that we missed out on. *tear*
So yeah... thanks for reading!! =D