And we are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
Okay, I'm going to do a "poor me" entry. I am sorry in advance if it's whiny but hey.
Lately I've been toying with the idea of going back home for a few months. I don't know when but I just feel like there isn't a lot that I belong in my own current lifestyle for anymore. I robot my way through the day and go to class and now, go to work. I get drunk on the weekends to make myself let loose and relax. I wake up the next day and have a panic attack almost every time because I feel like I've failed at everything and I won't finish anything I have to do. My major is meaningless because I am not yet in it and I am still extremely unsure of the choice I've made to pursue it in the first place.
I'm not seeing straight anymore, although, ironically, everything I do resembles a rigid, narrow and boring path. I cannot stop feeling intensely depressed almost all of the time (cliche, maybe, but the most accurate word I can think of). I recently admitted to myself that I might some kind of eating problem as I constantly beat myself up for eating anything. I count calories down to the breath mints. I feel stupid talking about this but it takes everything I have to just eat a sandwich and not feel horrible about it all day. I've been sick and feeling shitty a lot since this semester started, and I am on a new medication that is supposed to help with my skin (which has been consistently peeling off, breaking out, and freaking out since I got back to campus).
I do not have any control over myself anymore and I feel like it's going to end badly. I regret any contact with the one guy I have gotten anywhere close to this semester, because it only made me more sure of my inability to connect and increased my existing phobia of closeness. Meaningless contact means nothing when the person I want does not want me and, let's face it, never will. But still calls me all the time. And will not give me the space to get over him. It is taking a serious toll on me.
Back to the four projects that are imminently due. I'm exhausted from going to work at 6 AM and class after that straight until 5 PM. X_X At least my mom is coming up tomorrow. I really do not know what I'd do if she wasn't, it's been two months since I've seen her or anyone in my family. I need her.
Lately I've been toying with the idea of going back home for a few months. I don't know when but I just feel like there isn't a lot that I belong in my own current lifestyle for anymore. I robot my way through the day and go to class and now, go to work. I get drunk on the weekends to make myself let loose and relax. I wake up the next day and have a panic attack almost every time because I feel like I've failed at everything and I won't finish anything I have to do. My major is meaningless because I am not yet in it and I am still extremely unsure of the choice I've made to pursue it in the first place.
I'm not seeing straight anymore, although, ironically, everything I do resembles a rigid, narrow and boring path. I cannot stop feeling intensely depressed almost all of the time (cliche, maybe, but the most accurate word I can think of). I recently admitted to myself that I might some kind of eating problem as I constantly beat myself up for eating anything. I count calories down to the breath mints. I feel stupid talking about this but it takes everything I have to just eat a sandwich and not feel horrible about it all day. I've been sick and feeling shitty a lot since this semester started, and I am on a new medication that is supposed to help with my skin (which has been consistently peeling off, breaking out, and freaking out since I got back to campus).
I do not have any control over myself anymore and I feel like it's going to end badly. I regret any contact with the one guy I have gotten anywhere close to this semester, because it only made me more sure of my inability to connect and increased my existing phobia of closeness. Meaningless contact means nothing when the person I want does not want me and, let's face it, never will. But still calls me all the time. And will not give me the space to get over him. It is taking a serious toll on me.
Back to the four projects that are imminently due. I'm exhausted from going to work at 6 AM and class after that straight until 5 PM. X_X At least my mom is coming up tomorrow. I really do not know what I'd do if she wasn't, it's been two months since I've seen her or anyone in my family. I need her.