june fourth two-thousand six
Sometimes i feel like I have to walk around with a badge that says i'm 19 in order to be taken seriously...or not to be taken seriously..A statement i'm sure i'll regret someday or another.It's not even that I need the badge, but more I need to 'act my age' as they say. Or atleast look my age.I prefer the last one...
Tonight was as nights always are, but, on this night i ended something that should have been over a long time ago.I feel like how I imagine a person living two different lives must feel, or some sort or method actor. I can't say that i'm relieved, but I also can't say that i'm sad, nor can I say that im sorry it happened.Because it was great when it was great.What I am sorry to say is that I might have lead this person on for my own personal gain. And i'm questioning not only my behavior, but also my outlook on relationships/men in general. I'm asking myself weather or not I am selfish.Well not exactly, because I already know that answer in this case.I just wanted so badly for the truth to be out in the open, but I knew that I would hurt this person so badly.Considering how sensative they were,how much of an effort they made towards the whole thing working out. Much more than I can speak of for myself.Why is it that when you get what you ask for you seem to want more afterwards? If love is, caring, understanding,respect,and passion they where did it go wrong? Maybe all these things have to be mutual, and thats where I was totally wrong. And as usual I choose to start relationships the completely wrong fucking way. Not that I hadn't known him prior to having sex. But that Sex is always what happens first before any really sort of sense of who we are as people and weather or not we are compatible. Because it's obvious that male and female genitalia are compatible, doesn't mean that two spirits can come together just as passionately, or as easily.You live and learn they say..who is this they I keep speaking of. What scared me from the start that one day I would have to be honest with him as well as myself, which I have tried to tip-toe my way around with him. But today is the day that I am honest to myself in realizing my motives and actually considering what it is he has in mind. I don't want to get married, have kids, settle down for fucks sakes im 19.The sad part is the more and more I keep writing this the more I feel like he has to know everything. Including the body count.Sometimes I feel like such a horrible person, but then again, this like all feelings will pass. All I had to do was be honest.Fuck I broke a heart. That makes 2 (maybe 3) in a lifetime, karma will catch up to me , unless it has already...which I believe to be the case.I'm rather spitefull, and I think that I saw in his eyes, what was in my eyes for all the horrible fucks i've been in bed with. It's sad that seeing that I couldn't atleast be respectful, and just say no and avoid someone being hurt like I have been in the past.Maybe it was out of spite that I did what I did.And if that is the case, then I can say that I am a horrible person. But they say those who know better do better....and I know better...so that confirms it I guess.
But at the same time I don't think it is good for me to be in a relationship with guy right now.I want do soo many things this summer and I feel like that would hold me back. And plus,i'm not one to commit to anything much less, something that should be taken as seriously, a relationship.Hmmm..So Lesson learned today.
-Relationships should not start out, or be based around sex (regardless of penis size or how good it was)
-Don't go looking for anything it should come to you
-Honesty is a must
-Do onto others...as you wish onto yourself
-If you can tell it's not going to work, end it before feelings are hurt
-Don't expect more than you can offer
In other news..
I've been googling Lotus flowers, and I found a couple really awesome ones.. This first one is my favoutrite...butcheyeah what to say around it im not sure yet i'll have to do some serious thinking, i was maybe going to get capricorn or 86 but those are kinda corny...and I want something thats going to be some phrase of thought that is going to stay with me always and forever....maybe "ONCE"...HMM..
Tonight was as nights always are, but, on this night i ended something that should have been over a long time ago.I feel like how I imagine a person living two different lives must feel, or some sort or method actor. I can't say that i'm relieved, but I also can't say that i'm sad, nor can I say that im sorry it happened.Because it was great when it was great.What I am sorry to say is that I might have lead this person on for my own personal gain. And i'm questioning not only my behavior, but also my outlook on relationships/men in general. I'm asking myself weather or not I am selfish.Well not exactly, because I already know that answer in this case.I just wanted so badly for the truth to be out in the open, but I knew that I would hurt this person so badly.Considering how sensative they were,how much of an effort they made towards the whole thing working out. Much more than I can speak of for myself.Why is it that when you get what you ask for you seem to want more afterwards? If love is, caring, understanding,respect,and passion they where did it go wrong? Maybe all these things have to be mutual, and thats where I was totally wrong. And as usual I choose to start relationships the completely wrong fucking way. Not that I hadn't known him prior to having sex. But that Sex is always what happens first before any really sort of sense of who we are as people and weather or not we are compatible. Because it's obvious that male and female genitalia are compatible, doesn't mean that two spirits can come together just as passionately, or as easily.You live and learn they say..who is this they I keep speaking of. What scared me from the start that one day I would have to be honest with him as well as myself, which I have tried to tip-toe my way around with him. But today is the day that I am honest to myself in realizing my motives and actually considering what it is he has in mind. I don't want to get married, have kids, settle down for fucks sakes im 19.The sad part is the more and more I keep writing this the more I feel like he has to know everything. Including the body count.Sometimes I feel like such a horrible person, but then again, this like all feelings will pass. All I had to do was be honest.Fuck I broke a heart. That makes 2 (maybe 3) in a lifetime, karma will catch up to me , unless it has already...which I believe to be the case.I'm rather spitefull, and I think that I saw in his eyes, what was in my eyes for all the horrible fucks i've been in bed with. It's sad that seeing that I couldn't atleast be respectful, and just say no and avoid someone being hurt like I have been in the past.Maybe it was out of spite that I did what I did.And if that is the case, then I can say that I am a horrible person. But they say those who know better do better....and I know better...so that confirms it I guess.
But at the same time I don't think it is good for me to be in a relationship with guy right now.I want do soo many things this summer and I feel like that would hold me back. And plus,i'm not one to commit to anything much less, something that should be taken as seriously, a relationship.Hmmm..So Lesson learned today.
-Relationships should not start out, or be based around sex (regardless of penis size or how good it was)
-Don't go looking for anything it should come to you
-Honesty is a must
-Do onto others...as you wish onto yourself
-If you can tell it's not going to work, end it before feelings are hurt
-Don't expect more than you can offer
In other news..
I've been googling Lotus flowers, and I found a couple really awesome ones.. This first one is my favoutrite...butcheyeah what to say around it im not sure yet i'll have to do some serious thinking, i was maybe going to get capricorn or 86 but those are kinda corny...and I want something thats going to be some phrase of thought that is going to stay with me always and forever....maybe "ONCE"...HMM..