[Artemis Fowl] That Troublesome Eoin Colfer (whoever he might be)
The character's thoughts on the AF books, and what they really, really, really want to do to Eoin Colfer. But, unfortunately, they can't find any true records of his existance.
Genre(s): Humour, Parody
Rating: PG
Pairing(s): None, many laughed at.
Status: 1/1. 2400 words.
Warnings: None.
"Quite." agreed Julius Root who looked as though he had aged at least 200 years in the past few days. Then he turned to Foaly who was swiveling about quite dejectedly in his specially adapted swivel chair. "Have you got anything more about who the author might really be? And why they even know about us let alone why they're writing it as a novel."
"Sorry, Jules, nothing. The tracks are covered extremely well." There was a silence as many of the thoughts in the room turned to doom and literary destruction. "What I don't get is why I don't have a better part. I'm much more important than 'Eoin Colfer' has been writing me as. Doesn't he know what I did?"
"Get over yourself, Foaly. Please. I don't think I could stand anything more on top of all ... this!" Holly Short's arms flapped at the two novels lying on the table before them.
"At least you get to be the heroine... sort of anyway."
"The author, shouldhediewhenIfindoutwhohereallyis, doesn't even know what to write himself. The villain is the good guy and the bad guy. And then the enemy is the good guy as well. And when he tries to have some character development... I mean... that lollypop scene... Arty deserves much worse. And he didn't even change properly"
Artemis looked up from his laptop. "Thanks Holly. I really appreciate that. Your caring nature just shines through in everything you say. I thought that scene was particularly out of character myself."
"But it was the only reason some people kept reading." said Foaly who was looking over at the laptop screen. "You should have told us about the results of your search - I never would have known so many young girls like to see you getting beaten up. Everyone’s favourite scenes are either the ones where Holly punches you in the second book," Holly took a mock bow, "or the lollypop scene. Where Holly also punches you. Just face it Fowl; everyone wants to see you black and blue, on the floor and calling for your Mummy."
"How do you know?" asked Root with a smirk in Artemis' direction.
"There are groups of people on the net who are," Foaly coughed, "fans of this nonsense."
"But the problem is that it isn't nonsense, is it?" said Butler looking around at all of them. "This has the potential for causing some serious damage. 'Artemis Fowl' is now a name which is reasonably well known and some crazy girl in England called Kitty who believes in all this has been trying to track Artemis down. Because she has a crush on him. Not to mention someone putting together sensor interference with an Underground community of technological fairies. This could be disastrous. Or already is."
"Not to mention the unfortunate mishap that means the books are named after a criminal and so brainwashing young readers minds."
"You're jealous, Short. And I am the main character however high you would like to place your own pedestal."
Everyone else in the room sighed as if this was verbal sparing was somehow endearing and Holly turned on them.
"This isn't sexual tension! How many times do we have to say it?"
"That's the only thing you agree on and we hear that and its supporting evidence too frequently."
“But we are both just so… She’s such a bitch and not in any way attractive.”
“Speak of the devil, Fowl. Your head is way to big for the rest of you.”
Foaly had once again stolen Artemis' laptop and was looking through the history. And so he came upon Fanfiction.net.
"According to many people it is sexual tension. Lots of it." Foaly mused. "There are ... debates ... about who Artemis is going to get with. Holly or Juliet."
"Artemis, you know if you go anywhere near my sister I'll kill you?"
Artemis almost squeaked and nodded quickly.
"And about who Holly's going to get with. Artemis versus ... drum roll please ... Trouble Kelp?!" There was shocked silence then Holly burst out laughing and the rest soon followed.
"I have to look at this," said a still smiling Holly as she pulled the laptop in front of herself.
A minute later she pushed it back and her face was white. "There... there was... a story. About me... choosing between... Artemis and Trouble. And it was... Soap opera… Nameless… AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" And she ran into the bathroom, locked the door and retched loudly and audibly.
"Back to the original argument then." said Butler. "What can we do about these books?"
There was silence. Foaly's swivel chair moved around, squeaking loudly and Root turned to glare at him.
"Even the cover is impressively gaudy. Look at all those sparkles..." Root voice was slightly awed - morbid fascination if you will. "It makes your eyes hurt just to look at it. And it definitely doesn't convey that it's a brainwashing story about a criminal kidnapping a LEPrecon officer."
"Isn't it? It’s… amazing … to watch the light coming off it…"
"Well... what can we do? And what can we do about that ... ‘fan dom’?"
"Well, if we knew who the author really was we could get him to state that he will not accept fanfics and they would have to stop hosting them. Like what Anne Rice did."
"You know a lot about this Foaly, don't you?"
"Um... it comes with being a technological genius. I'm expected to know about what's happening on the net."
"Technological genius... In other words a nerd, yes?" said Holly as she came back out of the bathroom wiping her mouth on a sleeve.
"You don't need to--"
"The same type of nerd who goes to Sci-Fi conventions? ("It was only because Samantha Tapping was going to be there!") Who wears a tin-foil hat for decades to keep the Government from controlling his mind? ("I got rid of that!") Who was the first to write Kirk/Sprock? ("I wasn't the absolute first!") Who writes themselves into erotic fanfiction with fluffy anime characters?"
Foaly just opened then closed his mouth without saying anything. Everyone turned to look at Holly is shock. "Hey! I heard people talking about it at a book signing! And I am legally old enough to read NC-17!"
Various people shuddered slightly at the mental images.
Root brought them back from the land where scary thoughts about fluffy things could turn to suicide. "Is there anything we can do? Anything at all?"
Everyone shook their heads before slumping into their own individual states of doom.
Artemis spoke once more in a pessimistically optimistic way... as if he knew that it could only get worse. "At least it's not the Harry Potter fandom. Harry can't even go out without a complete disguise anymore and certainly can’t be called Harry Potter. And the relationships that people write in... Be thankful that our fandom doesn't have so much slash. We've only got a few platonic Holly and Juliet ones, they have Professor Dibbet and the Giant Squid. Although there is a group of people emerging who ship B/A..."
"You can't be serious?"
"Oh I am. And Harry/Draco is the norm. And there's Harry/Snape. And Harry/Dumbledore. And Harry in a threesome with Sirius and Dead James."
Butler himself whimpered at the mental images.
"At least it's not that. At least it's not that. When I find Eoin Colfer I’m going to kill him for creating even the possibilities of something like… that!"
“What about putting JK Rowling out of her misery at the state of Harry Potter?”
“That would be euthanasia.”
Artemis sniggered slightly.
Slowly everyone but Artemis left the room in their own way, the emotions far ranging. From Butler’s severely shocked, Root’s completely disgusted and despairing, Foaly’s… interested (later that night he was to be found looking up Harry Potter porn sites to find the threesome Artemis mentioned) to Holly’s about to vomit again expression. Artemis sighed and pulled his laptop back over in front of him. He took his time minimising the windows he had open, lingering for quite a while on a graphic Ginny/Tom Riddle, but finally the bare desktop was before him. And he opened a new word document. And wrote the title.
Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code
Artemis rubbed his hands together in a truly gleeful way and began to type. The fangirls would have some new material in no time.
Genre(s): Humour, Parody
Rating: PG
Pairing(s): None, many laughed at.
Status: 1/1. 2400 words.
Warnings: None.
"Quite." agreed Julius Root who looked as though he had aged at least 200 years in the past few days. Then he turned to Foaly who was swiveling about quite dejectedly in his specially adapted swivel chair. "Have you got anything more about who the author might really be? And why they even know about us let alone why they're writing it as a novel."
"Sorry, Jules, nothing. The tracks are covered extremely well." There was a silence as many of the thoughts in the room turned to doom and literary destruction. "What I don't get is why I don't have a better part. I'm much more important than 'Eoin Colfer' has been writing me as. Doesn't he know what I did?"
"Get over yourself, Foaly. Please. I don't think I could stand anything more on top of all ... this!" Holly Short's arms flapped at the two novels lying on the table before them.
"At least you get to be the heroine... sort of anyway."
"The author, shouldhediewhenIfindoutwhohereallyis, doesn't even know what to write himself. The villain is the good guy and the bad guy. And then the enemy is the good guy as well. And when he tries to have some character development... I mean... that lollypop scene... Arty deserves much worse. And he didn't even change properly"
Artemis looked up from his laptop. "Thanks Holly. I really appreciate that. Your caring nature just shines through in everything you say. I thought that scene was particularly out of character myself."
"But it was the only reason some people kept reading." said Foaly who was looking over at the laptop screen. "You should have told us about the results of your search - I never would have known so many young girls like to see you getting beaten up. Everyone’s favourite scenes are either the ones where Holly punches you in the second book," Holly took a mock bow, "or the lollypop scene. Where Holly also punches you. Just face it Fowl; everyone wants to see you black and blue, on the floor and calling for your Mummy."
"How do you know?" asked Root with a smirk in Artemis' direction.
"There are groups of people on the net who are," Foaly coughed, "fans of this nonsense."
"But the problem is that it isn't nonsense, is it?" said Butler looking around at all of them. "This has the potential for causing some serious damage. 'Artemis Fowl' is now a name which is reasonably well known and some crazy girl in England called Kitty who believes in all this has been trying to track Artemis down. Because she has a crush on him. Not to mention someone putting together sensor interference with an Underground community of technological fairies. This could be disastrous. Or already is."
"Not to mention the unfortunate mishap that means the books are named after a criminal and so brainwashing young readers minds."
"You're jealous, Short. And I am the main character however high you would like to place your own pedestal."
Everyone else in the room sighed as if this was verbal sparing was somehow endearing and Holly turned on them.
"This isn't sexual tension! How many times do we have to say it?"
"That's the only thing you agree on and we hear that and its supporting evidence too frequently."
“But we are both just so… She’s such a bitch and not in any way attractive.”
“Speak of the devil, Fowl. Your head is way to big for the rest of you.”
Foaly had once again stolen Artemis' laptop and was looking through the history. And so he came upon Fanfiction.net.
"According to many people it is sexual tension. Lots of it." Foaly mused. "There are ... debates ... about who Artemis is going to get with. Holly or Juliet."
"Artemis, you know if you go anywhere near my sister I'll kill you?"
Artemis almost squeaked and nodded quickly.
"And about who Holly's going to get with. Artemis versus ... drum roll please ... Trouble Kelp?!" There was shocked silence then Holly burst out laughing and the rest soon followed.
"I have to look at this," said a still smiling Holly as she pulled the laptop in front of herself.
A minute later she pushed it back and her face was white. "There... there was... a story. About me... choosing between... Artemis and Trouble. And it was... Soap opera… Nameless… AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" And she ran into the bathroom, locked the door and retched loudly and audibly.
"Back to the original argument then." said Butler. "What can we do about these books?"
There was silence. Foaly's swivel chair moved around, squeaking loudly and Root turned to glare at him.
"Even the cover is impressively gaudy. Look at all those sparkles..." Root voice was slightly awed - morbid fascination if you will. "It makes your eyes hurt just to look at it. And it definitely doesn't convey that it's a brainwashing story about a criminal kidnapping a LEPrecon officer."
"Isn't it? It’s… amazing … to watch the light coming off it…"
"Well... what can we do? And what can we do about that ... ‘fan dom’?"
"Well, if we knew who the author really was we could get him to state that he will not accept fanfics and they would have to stop hosting them. Like what Anne Rice did."
"You know a lot about this Foaly, don't you?"
"Um... it comes with being a technological genius. I'm expected to know about what's happening on the net."
"Technological genius... In other words a nerd, yes?" said Holly as she came back out of the bathroom wiping her mouth on a sleeve.
"You don't need to--"
"The same type of nerd who goes to Sci-Fi conventions? ("It was only because Samantha Tapping was going to be there!") Who wears a tin-foil hat for decades to keep the Government from controlling his mind? ("I got rid of that!") Who was the first to write Kirk/Sprock? ("I wasn't the absolute first!") Who writes themselves into erotic fanfiction with fluffy anime characters?"
Foaly just opened then closed his mouth without saying anything. Everyone turned to look at Holly is shock. "Hey! I heard people talking about it at a book signing! And I am legally old enough to read NC-17!"
Various people shuddered slightly at the mental images.
Root brought them back from the land where scary thoughts about fluffy things could turn to suicide. "Is there anything we can do? Anything at all?"
Everyone shook their heads before slumping into their own individual states of doom.
Artemis spoke once more in a pessimistically optimistic way... as if he knew that it could only get worse. "At least it's not the Harry Potter fandom. Harry can't even go out without a complete disguise anymore and certainly can’t be called Harry Potter. And the relationships that people write in... Be thankful that our fandom doesn't have so much slash. We've only got a few platonic Holly and Juliet ones, they have Professor Dibbet and the Giant Squid. Although there is a group of people emerging who ship B/A..."
"You can't be serious?"
"Oh I am. And Harry/Draco is the norm. And there's Harry/Snape. And Harry/Dumbledore. And Harry in a threesome with Sirius and Dead James."
Butler himself whimpered at the mental images.
"At least it's not that. At least it's not that. When I find Eoin Colfer I’m going to kill him for creating even the possibilities of something like… that!"
“What about putting JK Rowling out of her misery at the state of Harry Potter?”
“That would be euthanasia.”
Artemis sniggered slightly.
Slowly everyone but Artemis left the room in their own way, the emotions far ranging. From Butler’s severely shocked, Root’s completely disgusted and despairing, Foaly’s… interested (later that night he was to be found looking up Harry Potter porn sites to find the threesome Artemis mentioned) to Holly’s about to vomit again expression. Artemis sighed and pulled his laptop back over in front of him. He took his time minimising the windows he had open, lingering for quite a while on a graphic Ginny/Tom Riddle, but finally the bare desktop was before him. And he opened a new word document. And wrote the title.
Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code
Artemis rubbed his hands together in a truly gleeful way and began to type. The fangirls would have some new material in no time.