Step 1
Step 1
We admitted that we were powerless over food--that our lives had become unmanageable.
1. "In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity--the dieting, starving, over-exercising or purging." Here is a first-step inventory of my compulsive eating history.
Yesterday I ate a family sized box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, 4 packages of Pop-Tarts, a Cadbury egg, 6 large reese's cups, 10 frosted sugar cookies, and 1 King Sized Cookies and Cream bar. And that's really not that much.
Thursday I ate 2 sandwiches, 2 packages of cookie dough, 1 lb of granola...and I can't even remember. It was bad.
Tuesday I did a catering gig with Bonny, Natalie, Virginia, and Steph and was so high all I could do was eat. I ate a dozen bacon and maple glazed donuts, fried chicken, waffles, chocolate...beer...
on April 11th I ate 12 cookies, 4 giant sized chocolate bars, 1 large tub of ice cream, 1 box of oreos, 1 box of cinnamon toast crunch, 8 cinnamon rolls and that was with 2 separate trips.
That's another thing-I've been riding to the store on separate occasions to buy this shit. Spending at least $20 a time. Money isn't even a thought. I have to fill, fill, fill. And I hate to say it, but lately I've been high as a kite when I drive my motorcycle to the store.
I'm more ashamed to admit doing that than admitting all of the crap I crammed into my mouth.
I usually pass out in comatose after eating so much sugar, only to wake up the next day with a sore back, aching teeth, throbbing head (from purging) and a puffy face.
It all sounds so wonderful in black-and-white...why can't I just stop?
Isn't writing it out enough?
Apparently that isn't so. But I do believe that these issues stem from something deeper...something spiritual malady...something is *missing* and it ain't calories.
Over Winter Break I went 100 days without smoking pot/cigarettes or drinking anything. I thought I would be elated. In the beginning it was quite easy to avoid eating, especially overeating. But near the end I began binging and purging again. Without being high. It was pretty depressing-realizing it wasn't going to be that simple. I couldn't just take the pot away and be cured. Fuck.
Mom used to have to lock the refrigerator in HS because I would plow through everything. I never even enjoyed it...didn't have time to, I was eating too fast.
I always overeat at Dad's house. Free, organic, gourmet binge food? "Jackpot!"
I called out of work the last two days because I am ashamed of my weight gain and the ever increasing size of my ass.
What did I do?
Binged, all day, both days.
Such a waste of time and money.
I am set to ride 100-miles two weeks from now on my bicycle...
Back to the lesson...
I have skipped out on so many social events so I could come home and comfort myself with food. It's never enough, but it makes me feel *something*. I mean, it has to be doing *something*, right? Why else would I keep banging my head against this wall?!
a. What other solutions have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for a solution outside of OA?
I've tried dieting. I've tried eating a vegetarian/vegan diet. Even with that I didn't do it 100% correctly and was consequently hungry all of the time and that eventually led to binging. I've tried working and schooling all the time to perhaps eliminate time to overeat, but I have ALWAYS found the time for it. Stressing myself too thin (ha ha) was and is very much not the answer.
b. How have I used excess food to escape life's problems?
I've skipped out on social events in order to come home and binge in private. Maybe the extra weight makes it easier for me to push people away. In the end I realize I never really escaped my problems.
c. Are there any particular foods or eating behaviors which give me trouble?
Getting high never helps. It doesn't necessarily induce physical hunger, but I almost always throw my "good" plans out the window for "tomorrow". Sugary foods and carbs are my downfall. CARBS. SUGAR. WEED. The end.
d. Have I returned to my former compulsive behavior after years in recovery?
Years of recovery? Haha. There have been many times where I have lost the weight, but I don't consider those times to be recovery times. When I first began OA I went for about two months and felt great, then fell off the wagon. I realize now that even then I was restricting food. Sigh.
2. How has and does this malady affect my life not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well?
I avoid all intimate relationships. I push people away. I flake out. I'm an unreliable friend. I have a hard time saving money because I waste it on this shit. I isolate myself. I'm lonely a lot. I have a hard time nurturing relationships. I'm selfish. I'm unsatisfied and unhappy. I feel held back from so many things that I want to do and see.
a. Have I excelled at my job (or school) or just gotten by? Explain.
School have been extremely hard for me. If I'm not at school or work I'm probably getting high and/or binging/purging/stressing out. I know I could be doing so much more and so much better if I had a clear head and the energy to do it. This disease has stunted my growth as a person in all aspects. I called out of work the last two days because I felt ashamed of my weight gain yet all I did was binge and purge some more.
b. What has it been like living with me at home?
I could ask my Mom...but I know what she would say. "It's not easy." She used to have to lock the fridge in HS because I would devoir everything. I spend a lot of time alone. I'm afraid I would not be a good roommate. I think I'm angry a lot. Depending on what I've ate and whether or not I've worked out that day I could be on top of the world or in the gutter. My stomach contents determine my mood for the day. If I've ate like shit, I feel like shit, and treat other people like shit.
c. Has chronic unhappiness over my eating problems affected my friendships or marriage? How?
Absolutely. I push people away. If I feel like shit I treat other people like shit. I'm selfish. I flake out. I get high (whether it be on weed or sugar or usually both) and pass out regardless of social obligations. I hide in my apartment. I'm selfish. I'm unreliable. Me, me, me. Fill, fill, fill.
d. Am I in touch with my feelings, or have I buried my anger and fear in false cheerfulness? Explain.
Sometimes. Maybe. Both? I don't know! Obviously not? Haha. I'm not too good at that false cheerfulness stuff unless I'm getting paid to be nice (AKA at work). Thus I spend a lot of time isolated because it is less work not having to be happy when I'm really not. In the end I am depressed and alone. I'm pretty in tune with how unhappy I am, it'd be nice to be in tune with how happy I can be if and when I am. I can't quite figure out where this incessant hunger comes from.
3. How have I believed that my life would be manageable if only others around me would do as I wanted? Explain.
Because if everyone would just listen to me... Ha. Kidding. Over the past few years I have tried to keep this idea in mind-that I can't control others, only myself. It has helped immensely in the work place. I still try to not have expectations but it's difficult. I don't really believe my life would be manageable if only others around me would do as I wanted. I believe it would be manageable if I were thin.
4. When and how has my life been unmanageable?
Well...come tomorrow I will have worked at Whole Foods for 3 years. That's pretty manageable. And come July I will have lived in the same apartment for 3 years. But...I am taking a break from UT because I've come to hate school. I'm pretty jaded about it. On the one hand I feel that higher education is big business. I feel like a piece in a wheel. I'm older than most of the kids there, and I'm not really sure what I'm spending $40k to do. On the other hand, I'm already $20k in, and I'd like to finish eventually. I really just want to be thin. Whatever I do. I won't be happy unless I'm thin. My friendships are thin, family is far, and I am fat.
5. Have I tried to control myself and wound up demoralized? Even when I succeed, has it been enough to make me happy? Explain.
Easy-nope. I look at old pictures all of the time and think how great I looked and how awful I actually felt. The weight loss has never been enough. I always get discouraged, give up, and resort right back to the same fat pants. I don't give myself enough credit. Makes me wonder what I'm not giving myself credit for *right now*...
6. Do I believe only an honest admission to myself of the reality of my condition can save me from my destructive eating? Why?
Well...I can't find a solution very easily if I can't understand the problem in the first place. Denial isn't going to help anything. Unfortunately I can't just start a diet today and have it all go away. I've tried that 10 too many times.
7. Do I acknowledge that my current methods of managing have not been successful, and I need to find a new approach to life? Explain.
It's very scary...not having any idea what to expect from a new method or suggested method to "fixing things". I don't really know what I'm doing. Trying to get an idea of what I'm tackling... trying to read the past in black and white... trying to separate myself from this POV so I can gain new insight... trying to devise a healthy eating plan without being too obsessive... letting go of old comforts... it's terrifying. Trying to establish healthier ways of perceiving the day, other people, myself. It seems like a lot of work and I'm not even sure it will work.
8. Am I ready to change and to learn? Why?
Because I'm almost 25 years old and I am ready to experience NEW things. I can travel to new places, listen to new music, and eat new foods but if I don't deal with this *now* I will continue to carry *this* around with me. I don't want the excess baggage to weigh me down any longer. I want patience. I want to be a better friend. I want a healthy body and happy heart. I want to do things wholeheartedly. I don't want to waste time anymore.
9. Have I made an honest appraisal of my experience and am I convinced that I can't handle life through self-will alone? Explain.
I put myself through so much shit. I know I am a strong person...but that's no reason to put myself through so much unnecessary crap. Unfortunately my negative urges are as strong as my positive urges. I can't just up and start dieting today to make it all better. I can't keep trying to do the same things over and over. Something's gotta give.
We admitted that we were powerless over food--that our lives had become unmanageable.
1. "In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesity, and the self-destructive things we have done to avoid obesity--the dieting, starving, over-exercising or purging." Here is a first-step inventory of my compulsive eating history.
Yesterday I ate a family sized box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, 4 packages of Pop-Tarts, a Cadbury egg, 6 large reese's cups, 10 frosted sugar cookies, and 1 King Sized Cookies and Cream bar. And that's really not that much.
Thursday I ate 2 sandwiches, 2 packages of cookie dough, 1 lb of granola...and I can't even remember. It was bad.
Tuesday I did a catering gig with Bonny, Natalie, Virginia, and Steph and was so high all I could do was eat. I ate a dozen bacon and maple glazed donuts, fried chicken, waffles, chocolate...beer...
on April 11th I ate 12 cookies, 4 giant sized chocolate bars, 1 large tub of ice cream, 1 box of oreos, 1 box of cinnamon toast crunch, 8 cinnamon rolls and that was with 2 separate trips.
That's another thing-I've been riding to the store on separate occasions to buy this shit. Spending at least $20 a time. Money isn't even a thought. I have to fill, fill, fill. And I hate to say it, but lately I've been high as a kite when I drive my motorcycle to the store.
I'm more ashamed to admit doing that than admitting all of the crap I crammed into my mouth.
I usually pass out in comatose after eating so much sugar, only to wake up the next day with a sore back, aching teeth, throbbing head (from purging) and a puffy face.
It all sounds so wonderful in black-and-white...why can't I just stop?
Isn't writing it out enough?
Apparently that isn't so. But I do believe that these issues stem from something deeper...something spiritual malady...something is *missing* and it ain't calories.
Over Winter Break I went 100 days without smoking pot/cigarettes or drinking anything. I thought I would be elated. In the beginning it was quite easy to avoid eating, especially overeating. But near the end I began binging and purging again. Without being high. It was pretty depressing-realizing it wasn't going to be that simple. I couldn't just take the pot away and be cured. Fuck.
Mom used to have to lock the refrigerator in HS because I would plow through everything. I never even enjoyed it...didn't have time to, I was eating too fast.
I always overeat at Dad's house. Free, organic, gourmet binge food? "Jackpot!"
I called out of work the last two days because I am ashamed of my weight gain and the ever increasing size of my ass.
What did I do?
Binged, all day, both days.
Such a waste of time and money.
I am set to ride 100-miles two weeks from now on my bicycle...
Back to the lesson...
I have skipped out on so many social events so I could come home and comfort myself with food. It's never enough, but it makes me feel *something*. I mean, it has to be doing *something*, right? Why else would I keep banging my head against this wall?!
a. What other solutions have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for a solution outside of OA?
I've tried dieting. I've tried eating a vegetarian/vegan diet. Even with that I didn't do it 100% correctly and was consequently hungry all of the time and that eventually led to binging. I've tried working and schooling all the time to perhaps eliminate time to overeat, but I have ALWAYS found the time for it. Stressing myself too thin (ha ha) was and is very much not the answer.
b. How have I used excess food to escape life's problems?
I've skipped out on social events in order to come home and binge in private. Maybe the extra weight makes it easier for me to push people away. In the end I realize I never really escaped my problems.
c. Are there any particular foods or eating behaviors which give me trouble?
Getting high never helps. It doesn't necessarily induce physical hunger, but I almost always throw my "good" plans out the window for "tomorrow". Sugary foods and carbs are my downfall. CARBS. SUGAR. WEED. The end.
d. Have I returned to my former compulsive behavior after years in recovery?
Years of recovery? Haha. There have been many times where I have lost the weight, but I don't consider those times to be recovery times. When I first began OA I went for about two months and felt great, then fell off the wagon. I realize now that even then I was restricting food. Sigh.
2. How has and does this malady affect my life not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well?
I avoid all intimate relationships. I push people away. I flake out. I'm an unreliable friend. I have a hard time saving money because I waste it on this shit. I isolate myself. I'm lonely a lot. I have a hard time nurturing relationships. I'm selfish. I'm unsatisfied and unhappy. I feel held back from so many things that I want to do and see.
a. Have I excelled at my job (or school) or just gotten by? Explain.
School have been extremely hard for me. If I'm not at school or work I'm probably getting high and/or binging/purging/stressing out. I know I could be doing so much more and so much better if I had a clear head and the energy to do it. This disease has stunted my growth as a person in all aspects. I called out of work the last two days because I felt ashamed of my weight gain yet all I did was binge and purge some more.
b. What has it been like living with me at home?
I could ask my Mom...but I know what she would say. "It's not easy." She used to have to lock the fridge in HS because I would devoir everything. I spend a lot of time alone. I'm afraid I would not be a good roommate. I think I'm angry a lot. Depending on what I've ate and whether or not I've worked out that day I could be on top of the world or in the gutter. My stomach contents determine my mood for the day. If I've ate like shit, I feel like shit, and treat other people like shit.
c. Has chronic unhappiness over my eating problems affected my friendships or marriage? How?
Absolutely. I push people away. If I feel like shit I treat other people like shit. I'm selfish. I flake out. I get high (whether it be on weed or sugar or usually both) and pass out regardless of social obligations. I hide in my apartment. I'm selfish. I'm unreliable. Me, me, me. Fill, fill, fill.
d. Am I in touch with my feelings, or have I buried my anger and fear in false cheerfulness? Explain.
Sometimes. Maybe. Both? I don't know! Obviously not? Haha. I'm not too good at that false cheerfulness stuff unless I'm getting paid to be nice (AKA at work). Thus I spend a lot of time isolated because it is less work not having to be happy when I'm really not. In the end I am depressed and alone. I'm pretty in tune with how unhappy I am, it'd be nice to be in tune with how happy I can be if and when I am. I can't quite figure out where this incessant hunger comes from.
3. How have I believed that my life would be manageable if only others around me would do as I wanted? Explain.
Because if everyone would just listen to me... Ha. Kidding. Over the past few years I have tried to keep this idea in mind-that I can't control others, only myself. It has helped immensely in the work place. I still try to not have expectations but it's difficult. I don't really believe my life would be manageable if only others around me would do as I wanted. I believe it would be manageable if I were thin.
4. When and how has my life been unmanageable?
Well...come tomorrow I will have worked at Whole Foods for 3 years. That's pretty manageable. And come July I will have lived in the same apartment for 3 years. But...I am taking a break from UT because I've come to hate school. I'm pretty jaded about it. On the one hand I feel that higher education is big business. I feel like a piece in a wheel. I'm older than most of the kids there, and I'm not really sure what I'm spending $40k to do. On the other hand, I'm already $20k in, and I'd like to finish eventually. I really just want to be thin. Whatever I do. I won't be happy unless I'm thin. My friendships are thin, family is far, and I am fat.
5. Have I tried to control myself and wound up demoralized? Even when I succeed, has it been enough to make me happy? Explain.
Easy-nope. I look at old pictures all of the time and think how great I looked and how awful I actually felt. The weight loss has never been enough. I always get discouraged, give up, and resort right back to the same fat pants. I don't give myself enough credit. Makes me wonder what I'm not giving myself credit for *right now*...
6. Do I believe only an honest admission to myself of the reality of my condition can save me from my destructive eating? Why?
Well...I can't find a solution very easily if I can't understand the problem in the first place. Denial isn't going to help anything. Unfortunately I can't just start a diet today and have it all go away. I've tried that 10 too many times.
7. Do I acknowledge that my current methods of managing have not been successful, and I need to find a new approach to life? Explain.
It's very scary...not having any idea what to expect from a new method or suggested method to "fixing things". I don't really know what I'm doing. Trying to get an idea of what I'm tackling... trying to read the past in black and white... trying to separate myself from this POV so I can gain new insight... trying to devise a healthy eating plan without being too obsessive... letting go of old comforts... it's terrifying. Trying to establish healthier ways of perceiving the day, other people, myself. It seems like a lot of work and I'm not even sure it will work.
8. Am I ready to change and to learn? Why?
Because I'm almost 25 years old and I am ready to experience NEW things. I can travel to new places, listen to new music, and eat new foods but if I don't deal with this *now* I will continue to carry *this* around with me. I don't want the excess baggage to weigh me down any longer. I want patience. I want to be a better friend. I want a healthy body and happy heart. I want to do things wholeheartedly. I don't want to waste time anymore.
9. Have I made an honest appraisal of my experience and am I convinced that I can't handle life through self-will alone? Explain.
I put myself through so much shit. I know I am a strong person...but that's no reason to put myself through so much unnecessary crap. Unfortunately my negative urges are as strong as my positive urges. I can't just up and start dieting today to make it all better. I can't keep trying to do the same things over and over. Something's gotta give.