Letters to an empty room. [milliways_bar]
A series of letters are left with Bar, each neatly written -- as neat as she can make them, anyway. Nothing's crossed out or erased; she'd wanted to be sure of her words.
Which is why there is also a pile of rejects in the wastebasket up in the room she'd taken over for the evening, crumpled, some too smudged or tear-stained or just too badly worded. Too desperate. Too pleading. Even if please come back could be inserted between every line, she wanted to be stronger than she felt. It was weakness, after all, that had driven him from her. She tried to just be honest, to say her goodbyes as she felt them without pretending she wanted them to be gone, and apologize for all the trouble she caused.
She expected it to hurt less once she finished.
She couldn't tell if it did; there was no measuring this pain by degrees.
***
Edward,
I don’t want a world in which you never existed.
We don’t have to be together, if I’m not what you want. I’m not asking for the impossible any more.
I don’t want to forget. It’s only been a month, and I’m starting to lose details. The exact way your voice sounded. A few bars in the middle of my song. The pictures from London; I barely got to look at those more than a few times. I can’t hold onto all of it.
I don’t have the right to ask you for any more of your life than you’re willing to give, but if you could give back the parts you tried to erase, it would mean a lot.
Love,
(You don’t have to return it, but I’m allowed to feel it for as long as I want. You can’t erase that.)
Bella
Alice,
I miss you. I’m sorry we didn’t get to say goodbye.
Tell Jasper I’m not upset with him. It could’ve happened to anyone, honestly, and he didn’t hurt me, and it’s fine.
Can you see what happens now? If you could tell me how it turns out, if I knew for sure that Edward was going to find someone else and be happy, maybe it could hurt less. I could probably be happy for him eventually.
You could write me, if you wanted to. Maybe you were just being nice to me because of Edward, but I thought we were friends for a while. We can stay friends from a distance, can’t we? I’ll leave letters with Bar.
I’m sorry we didn’t get to be sisters.
Bella
Carlisle,
I know you must still come here sometimes. The infirmary still needs you, and I don't think you'd leave it behind if you had a choice.
I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but could you maybe just let me know that everyone’s okay? If I knew for sure that Edward was better off and happier without me, and that you’d all found a nicer place than Forks to live…
I don’t know what, then. I guess I’d feel better, but maybe you don’t want me to. I don’t really blame you if you’re still considering that whole dissection thing. I’m angry with me, too.
I never meant to ruin things for your family. I know you would’ve had to leave Forks eventually, but I didn’t want it to be because of something I did.
I’m sorry. Can you just tell everyone that I’m really sorry? And tell Jasper I’m not upset with him, and tell Edward…if he asks, at all…
Tell Edward something that makes this better for him than it is for me.
Bella
Esme,
I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to ruin things for your family. I thought I was going to be a part of it.
Thank you for always being welcoming of me when the others weren’t so sure. Besides Alice, you were the only one who never once showed any reservation about my inclusion into your lives.
I miss him more than I have words for. I miss you all.
I come to Milliways as often as my door opens. If you want to keep in touch, I’d like that.
Bella
Rosalie,
I guess you were right to hate me.
I don’t hold that against you, but I’m sorry we never got a chance to see if we could have gotten past our issues. Maybe we wouldn't have been friends, but I'm sad we'll never know.
Take care of yourself,
Bella
Emmett,
I always thought you were cool, and I’m sorry I’ll never get to call you a brother.
I hope there are lots of bears wherever you ended up.
Take care of yourself, and don't let any of the others feel bad about anything to do with me, okay?
Bella
Jasper,
I’m sorry I was careless. I don’t blame you for anything. Please don’t be too hard on yourself.
I knew the risks, and I’m not sorry I knew you.
Tell Alice I love and miss her, and that I’ll let her braid my hair if she comes to visit. You can come too, if you want; I promise I’ll keep away from sharp objects.
Take care,
Bella
Which is why there is also a pile of rejects in the wastebasket up in the room she'd taken over for the evening, crumpled, some too smudged or tear-stained or just too badly worded. Too desperate. Too pleading. Even if please come back could be inserted between every line, she wanted to be stronger than she felt. It was weakness, after all, that had driven him from her. She tried to just be honest, to say her goodbyes as she felt them without pretending she wanted them to be gone, and apologize for all the trouble she caused.
She expected it to hurt less once she finished.
She couldn't tell if it did; there was no measuring this pain by degrees.
***
Edward,
I don’t want a world in which you never existed.
We don’t have to be together, if I’m not what you want. I’m not asking for the impossible any more.
I don’t want to forget. It’s only been a month, and I’m starting to lose details. The exact way your voice sounded. A few bars in the middle of my song. The pictures from London; I barely got to look at those more than a few times. I can’t hold onto all of it.
I don’t have the right to ask you for any more of your life than you’re willing to give, but if you could give back the parts you tried to erase, it would mean a lot.
Love,
(You don’t have to return it, but I’m allowed to feel it for as long as I want. You can’t erase that.)
Bella
Alice,
I miss you. I’m sorry we didn’t get to say goodbye.
Tell Jasper I’m not upset with him. It could’ve happened to anyone, honestly, and he didn’t hurt me, and it’s fine.
Can you see what happens now? If you could tell me how it turns out, if I knew for sure that Edward was going to find someone else and be happy, maybe it could hurt less. I could probably be happy for him eventually.
You could write me, if you wanted to. Maybe you were just being nice to me because of Edward, but I thought we were friends for a while. We can stay friends from a distance, can’t we? I’ll leave letters with Bar.
I’m sorry we didn’t get to be sisters.
Bella
Carlisle,
I know you must still come here sometimes. The infirmary still needs you, and I don't think you'd leave it behind if you had a choice.
I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but could you maybe just let me know that everyone’s okay? If I knew for sure that Edward was better off and happier without me, and that you’d all found a nicer place than Forks to live…
I don’t know what, then. I guess I’d feel better, but maybe you don’t want me to. I don’t really blame you if you’re still considering that whole dissection thing. I’m angry with me, too.
I never meant to ruin things for your family. I know you would’ve had to leave Forks eventually, but I didn’t want it to be because of something I did.
I’m sorry. Can you just tell everyone that I’m really sorry? And tell Jasper I’m not upset with him, and tell Edward…if he asks, at all…
Tell Edward something that makes this better for him than it is for me.
Bella
Esme,
I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to ruin things for your family. I thought I was going to be a part of it.
Thank you for always being welcoming of me when the others weren’t so sure. Besides Alice, you were the only one who never once showed any reservation about my inclusion into your lives.
I miss him more than I have words for. I miss you all.
I come to Milliways as often as my door opens. If you want to keep in touch, I’d like that.
Bella
Rosalie,
I guess you were right to hate me.
I don’t hold that against you, but I’m sorry we never got a chance to see if we could have gotten past our issues. Maybe we wouldn't have been friends, but I'm sad we'll never know.
Take care of yourself,
Bella
Emmett,
I always thought you were cool, and I’m sorry I’ll never get to call you a brother.
I hope there are lots of bears wherever you ended up.
Take care of yourself, and don't let any of the others feel bad about anything to do with me, okay?
Bella
Jasper,
I’m sorry I was careless. I don’t blame you for anything. Please don’t be too hard on yourself.
I knew the risks, and I’m not sorry I knew you.
Tell Alice I love and miss her, and that I’ll let her braid my hair if she comes to visit. You can come too, if you want; I promise I’ll keep away from sharp objects.
Take care,
Bella