(no subject)
I truly don’t understand, I really don’t. Where did I go wrong? Please tell me.
A few weeks ago we hung out. He wasn’t feeling well so I couldn’t help but flirt with him a little. He's single now, so why not? Right? I have always found him attractive and a great guy but I never thought it would be more than that.
So the next day I go to visit his sister at work. She said that she was talking to him last night and was like "yeah, she likes you. She has for a while." She said that he replied with "really? Maybe I should ask her out." Maybe the thought of him asking me out scared me. Maybe I just thought that I wasn’t worthy enough for him to ask me out. How do you be with a guy that was with the same girl for 4 years? Maybe I thought I just couldn’t compete with that. I dunno, something freaked me out. So I quickly replied with "what?!?!! I don’t like him like that! what are you talking about?!?" She said, "you told me a while ago that you thought he was cute." I said, "yes, but that doesn’t mean that I like him!" So whatever, we just hang out and don’t say anything about it anymore. I go home thinking "I don’t want him to ask me out but then why do I want him to? How could he EVER look at me like that?" I go on thinking, maybe I shouldn’t have denied it. Oh well, I'll get over it. haha, riiight...
A few days later I go to visit his sister again at work. I asked her how he was feeling. The first thing she tells me when I say his name is that the night before he was making out with some girl. The second she told me that I had a million questions, "what happen to him waning to ask me out? why did that fade so quickly?" I was so pissed when I heard that but I played cool and didn’t act like it bothered me. The whole time we were in the break room I wanted to convert the conversation to him but I didn’t. I didn’t want her to think I was using her to get to him cause thats something I would never do, I adore her. She makes me laugh like you wouldn’t believe but in truth, she is the only one I can really talk to about him. She is really the only one that will understand. But I will not do that to her. So, I leave the break room and go home. The whole way there I'm thinking "why didn’t I just take the chance when I effin had it? I don’t want him making out with other girls." I couldn’t stand it anymore so I sent her a text saying, "so I guess I do like him cause once you told me about him and that girl I was so pissed." A little while later she replies with "haha, it wasn’t anything serious. you probably would still had a chance if you still wanted it." But again, stupid me thought, "I could never have a chance with him." so I replied back and said, "I dunno, I kinda do but I kinda don’t but I know I cant make him wait." I go home and I text him and ask what he is doing. He said that he was going to the mall so I meet him up there. Nothing was said by either him or me about what had just said to his sister or what I am really, truly feeling. He wasn’t able to stay long, something came up and he had to go. no biggie. So a few days past and all I can think about is did I miss my chance with someone I actually wanted to be with? Sadly, he was all I thought about. So I'm in the car with Kacie and I'm telling her whats been going on and how I wish I never denied liking him and how more than anything that I wish that I had taken it while it was there. I asked her, "should I text him?" So, I did, saying, "I want you. Is that bad?" Yes, that was a bit forward and I probably shouldn’t have been to blunt about it but thats how I felt at the time and really wanted to get it out. So about a minuet later he replies back and says, "no that rox." It felt sooo good to hear him say that. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I finally got out what I had wanted to say and got back an anwser that I wanted to hear. I should have told him then. Even though it would have only been through texting I should have said what I wanted to say. I should have told him that I couldn’t stop thinking about him ever since that night we hung out and that I did have feelings for him but all I could reply with was, "haha ok." I wanted to say so much more but I just...couldn’t. I just didn’t have the words at that time. The next day I am over at Kacie's and I decide to text him again. I say, "please don’t kiss another girl unless its me." I honestly dunno what I was expecting him to say to this. I kinda just said it to see IF he wouldn’t even reply. He replies with, "oh so I could kiss you? Plus I'm just casually dating. so yeah. lol." And again, there are so many different things that I wish I had said to that but I just simply said, "if you wanted." The next day me, him, and his sister go up to the mall and from the second I went up to them I got this really strange vibe from her. Like she totally did not want me to be there. And he was acting like he had never said any of that stuff to me, like none of that ever took place. There was nothing I could do, I wasn’t going to push it on him and be like hey be with me. But everything felt so different, from both of them. So I go home that night and text his phone a few times. no reply. I don’t remember what I even said now but it was probably stupid and things I shouldn’t have said. Then the next day Kacie comes over and decides to text him on her phone. I forget what she said but he didn’t reply. She goes home and I text him saying "I'm so sorry, seriously." He replied and said "its ok. I just haven’t known how to reply." He later went on to say that he just doesn’t want anything serious right now and that I shouldn’t take it personal.
I haven’t talked to either of them for a few days now and I dunno what to think now. I hate the feeling of not knowing. I'm just left here, wondering. What happen to all the stuff that he was saying earlier? What did I do to blow my chance if I did? He says that he doesn’t want anything serious but that is 110% fine and undserandable. I can give him whatever he wants. I can just be his friend, I could be more, I could give him something with no strings attached, i could even totally go away and get out of his life completely if he wanted. He just has to TELL me. What do you want from me??
I dont get it, I have two other guys that are kinda after me who seem so much more like me. But the one I want, couldn’t be anymore opposite of me. Our beliefs couldn’t be anymore different. But yet, I am so attracted to him and so much more then on just a physical level too. Theres just something about him that draws me to him and keeps me wanting more. Where is all this coming from you ask? I guess its just stuff that has built up from even since I met him when I was 16 or 17. No, I haven’t seen him everyday since then. I'd just randomly run into him every once in a while. Sometimes we wouldn’t sit there and talk for the longest time. He always kept my interest and he was never boring. I guess all this talk of him and I MIGHT being together just made all these feelings surface. But once again, my low confidence got in the way. I just never thought he would ever look at me like that. I still don’t but there are a lot of things that I wish I had did different. I guess the fact that he was with the same girl for 4 years kinda scared me too. I just don’t think I could ever be as good as her. I really dunno. I just wish I had some kind of closure and knew where I stand with him. I want to know if he could still look at me as someone he could possibly be with but I do not want to bother them anymore. I think that I am on his sister's last nerve and I just cant bug him anymore.
I need to end this. night all.
xo.
A few weeks ago we hung out. He wasn’t feeling well so I couldn’t help but flirt with him a little. He's single now, so why not? Right? I have always found him attractive and a great guy but I never thought it would be more than that.
So the next day I go to visit his sister at work. She said that she was talking to him last night and was like "yeah, she likes you. She has for a while." She said that he replied with "really? Maybe I should ask her out." Maybe the thought of him asking me out scared me. Maybe I just thought that I wasn’t worthy enough for him to ask me out. How do you be with a guy that was with the same girl for 4 years? Maybe I thought I just couldn’t compete with that. I dunno, something freaked me out. So I quickly replied with "what?!?!! I don’t like him like that! what are you talking about?!?" She said, "you told me a while ago that you thought he was cute." I said, "yes, but that doesn’t mean that I like him!" So whatever, we just hang out and don’t say anything about it anymore. I go home thinking "I don’t want him to ask me out but then why do I want him to? How could he EVER look at me like that?" I go on thinking, maybe I shouldn’t have denied it. Oh well, I'll get over it. haha, riiight...
A few days later I go to visit his sister again at work. I asked her how he was feeling. The first thing she tells me when I say his name is that the night before he was making out with some girl. The second she told me that I had a million questions, "what happen to him waning to ask me out? why did that fade so quickly?" I was so pissed when I heard that but I played cool and didn’t act like it bothered me. The whole time we were in the break room I wanted to convert the conversation to him but I didn’t. I didn’t want her to think I was using her to get to him cause thats something I would never do, I adore her. She makes me laugh like you wouldn’t believe but in truth, she is the only one I can really talk to about him. She is really the only one that will understand. But I will not do that to her. So, I leave the break room and go home. The whole way there I'm thinking "why didn’t I just take the chance when I effin had it? I don’t want him making out with other girls." I couldn’t stand it anymore so I sent her a text saying, "so I guess I do like him cause once you told me about him and that girl I was so pissed." A little while later she replies with "haha, it wasn’t anything serious. you probably would still had a chance if you still wanted it." But again, stupid me thought, "I could never have a chance with him." so I replied back and said, "I dunno, I kinda do but I kinda don’t but I know I cant make him wait." I go home and I text him and ask what he is doing. He said that he was going to the mall so I meet him up there. Nothing was said by either him or me about what had just said to his sister or what I am really, truly feeling. He wasn’t able to stay long, something came up and he had to go. no biggie. So a few days past and all I can think about is did I miss my chance with someone I actually wanted to be with? Sadly, he was all I thought about. So I'm in the car with Kacie and I'm telling her whats been going on and how I wish I never denied liking him and how more than anything that I wish that I had taken it while it was there. I asked her, "should I text him?" So, I did, saying, "I want you. Is that bad?" Yes, that was a bit forward and I probably shouldn’t have been to blunt about it but thats how I felt at the time and really wanted to get it out. So about a minuet later he replies back and says, "no that rox." It felt sooo good to hear him say that. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I finally got out what I had wanted to say and got back an anwser that I wanted to hear. I should have told him then. Even though it would have only been through texting I should have said what I wanted to say. I should have told him that I couldn’t stop thinking about him ever since that night we hung out and that I did have feelings for him but all I could reply with was, "haha ok." I wanted to say so much more but I just...couldn’t. I just didn’t have the words at that time. The next day I am over at Kacie's and I decide to text him again. I say, "please don’t kiss another girl unless its me." I honestly dunno what I was expecting him to say to this. I kinda just said it to see IF he wouldn’t even reply. He replies with, "oh so I could kiss you? Plus I'm just casually dating. so yeah. lol." And again, there are so many different things that I wish I had said to that but I just simply said, "if you wanted." The next day me, him, and his sister go up to the mall and from the second I went up to them I got this really strange vibe from her. Like she totally did not want me to be there. And he was acting like he had never said any of that stuff to me, like none of that ever took place. There was nothing I could do, I wasn’t going to push it on him and be like hey be with me. But everything felt so different, from both of them. So I go home that night and text his phone a few times. no reply. I don’t remember what I even said now but it was probably stupid and things I shouldn’t have said. Then the next day Kacie comes over and decides to text him on her phone. I forget what she said but he didn’t reply. She goes home and I text him saying "I'm so sorry, seriously." He replied and said "its ok. I just haven’t known how to reply." He later went on to say that he just doesn’t want anything serious right now and that I shouldn’t take it personal.
I haven’t talked to either of them for a few days now and I dunno what to think now. I hate the feeling of not knowing. I'm just left here, wondering. What happen to all the stuff that he was saying earlier? What did I do to blow my chance if I did? He says that he doesn’t want anything serious but that is 110% fine and undserandable. I can give him whatever he wants. I can just be his friend, I could be more, I could give him something with no strings attached, i could even totally go away and get out of his life completely if he wanted. He just has to TELL me. What do you want from me??
I dont get it, I have two other guys that are kinda after me who seem so much more like me. But the one I want, couldn’t be anymore opposite of me. Our beliefs couldn’t be anymore different. But yet, I am so attracted to him and so much more then on just a physical level too. Theres just something about him that draws me to him and keeps me wanting more. Where is all this coming from you ask? I guess its just stuff that has built up from even since I met him when I was 16 or 17. No, I haven’t seen him everyday since then. I'd just randomly run into him every once in a while. Sometimes we wouldn’t sit there and talk for the longest time. He always kept my interest and he was never boring. I guess all this talk of him and I MIGHT being together just made all these feelings surface. But once again, my low confidence got in the way. I just never thought he would ever look at me like that. I still don’t but there are a lot of things that I wish I had did different. I guess the fact that he was with the same girl for 4 years kinda scared me too. I just don’t think I could ever be as good as her. I really dunno. I just wish I had some kind of closure and knew where I stand with him. I want to know if he could still look at me as someone he could possibly be with but I do not want to bother them anymore. I think that I am on his sister's last nerve and I just cant bug him anymore.
I need to end this. night all.
xo.