Break the Silence
I write this as a courtesy to myself so as not to abandon the philosophy of If It’s Not Written It Down, Then It Just Didn’t Happen.
So I’m on my third week of prescription amphetamine withdrawal. This means that I’ve been basically eating myself into a cardiac, invested online in some very expensive vitamin/mineral supplements, and consistently spent each night trying to get through various dimestore mystery novellas to counterbalance my own lack of inner narrative and intrigue. Very few people have known that I’ve had issues of dependency lately. Mostly because I’ve only recently come clean to myself about how tremendous a factor it has become in destroying my life. I see little point in keeping this confidential anymore, since it really isn’t something that gives me much shame, nor am I ultimately going to lose friends over it. And at this point, I’ve spent enough to time judging myself over it to start worrying about anyone else judging what I do. Plus, not to pull a Courtney Love or anything, but I’ve come quite a long way in the last few weeks. I’ve realized, I think, despite some very enormous challenges, that I am, indeed, the same person (perhaps even more self-reliant person) with the capacity for the very same things I had looked to the pills to give me. Moreover, I have quit smoking, started to exercise again and sleep at regular hours to feel more psychosomatically synchronized.
In other news, I’ve started recording tracks for my demo with new studio equipment, surrendered to the two-year long writer’s block, joined a church (although I still consider myself a relativist, for lack of an existing term), and taken up working two jobs through a temp agency doing clerical work and working in food service. (Euphemism, baby. Can you tell?)
I would like to get out of the country soon, if only for a few weeks. The claustrophobia is rattling in my bones. I just learned that my biological mother was a transcontinental urban development entrepreneur. A nomad. I know I inherited something.
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BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS
A Severed Head by Iris Murdoch
Money by Martin Amis
Redemption Song: The Life & Times of Joe Strummer by Chris Salewicz
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