ok i'm going to try to write down what I'm thinking
I'm not good at making people feel better. That's probably a sign I'm not a good friend huh. Well I guess I knew that already.
I've been formulating this all in my head and I really don't think it'll come out right...and if it doesn't it'll just sound like a repeat of lots of my other entries, or a combination of them. Argh. I just don't know how to start this. I think in the back of my mind I keep worrying what people are going to think when they read it but really nobody reads it anyways so whats the point in worrying? Right. Ok here goes..
First of all, I have never been this depressed in my life. I know I have been saying this for months, but I don't care because IT IS TRUE - fuck off if you are sick of hearing me complain..thats the point of a joural, so again, fuck off. I've lost my patience long ago and I'm not putting up with anyone's shit anymore. So that's that.
Ok, so - I'm really depressed, and its getting worse and worse, and I'm starting to get worried that its a chemical imbalance or something. But then I think of how lonely I am because I have no friends, and how jealous I am because everyone else I know goes out almost every night and people call them on the phone or bring them flowers or come over their house, or they have boyfriends and plans every night while I sit at home being bored and sad and horribly alone, and I think of how I always get excluded whenever any of my friends go out for some reason...I haven't figured out why I'm never good enough to be anyone's friend anymore. Whats so great about their other friends? How come I'm always the one thats missing something? Why me? Why cant I just be normal? How come I always scare people away..they hang out with me once and never want to hang out again. What am I doing wrong! God, I didn't think I was that bad.
This brings me to my next point. I really am not good enough for anyone..like, nobody cares THAT much..nobody cares ENOUGH. Nobody wants to put the effort into anny friendship that involves me. I'll try to think of hypothetical examples, then I'll give real ones.
I just saw this movie where this guy fell for this girl and she got mad at him. Sounds common right? Right. However, she won't return his calls. Now, if this were me, he would give up right away and move on to the next girl. However, in any other situation (and not just in the movies), the guy will call back until he gets a hold of her, and if he still can't he will go to her in person. See, I'm not good enough, because guys don't bother trying hard. OR at all. Many a time I have had guys just completely stop talking to me all together, randomly. When I'd explain the situation to other people, they all said, he'll call don't worry..there's no way he won't cuz that wouldnt make sense. But he didnt. Ever again. And then when I told people this they were like shocked. So, again, Why ME? What did I ever do to deserve this!
Here's another example. Nobody cares enough about me to put any effort into the relationship, as I mentioned. Let me give one huge example that ruined my life. When me and Adam got into a fight (online mind you), being really angry I said I never want to talk to you again, and I blocked him. Now, he was my BEST FRIEND at that point. So you'd think that he'd oh I don't know...try to find some way of communicating with me maybe! He DOES have more than one sn. But no..we didn't speak for EIGHT MONTHS, and in those 8 months did he try ONCE to talk to me ever, or make any effort at all?? NOPE. He just let me go, because I meant nothing to him, and our friendship obviously meant nothing either. I apparently mean nothing to everyone. This is what I have such a problem with. This is what I can't stop thinking about. THis is why I am so depressed!! Because I know that everyone feels this way about me because they've all already proved it! I make my opinions based on experience. And you know what? I can truly say MY LIFE SUCKS.
I would be better off having never been born.
I've been formulating this all in my head and I really don't think it'll come out right...and if it doesn't it'll just sound like a repeat of lots of my other entries, or a combination of them. Argh. I just don't know how to start this. I think in the back of my mind I keep worrying what people are going to think when they read it but really nobody reads it anyways so whats the point in worrying? Right. Ok here goes..
First of all, I have never been this depressed in my life. I know I have been saying this for months, but I don't care because IT IS TRUE - fuck off if you are sick of hearing me complain..thats the point of a joural, so again, fuck off. I've lost my patience long ago and I'm not putting up with anyone's shit anymore. So that's that.
Ok, so - I'm really depressed, and its getting worse and worse, and I'm starting to get worried that its a chemical imbalance or something. But then I think of how lonely I am because I have no friends, and how jealous I am because everyone else I know goes out almost every night and people call them on the phone or bring them flowers or come over their house, or they have boyfriends and plans every night while I sit at home being bored and sad and horribly alone, and I think of how I always get excluded whenever any of my friends go out for some reason...I haven't figured out why I'm never good enough to be anyone's friend anymore. Whats so great about their other friends? How come I'm always the one thats missing something? Why me? Why cant I just be normal? How come I always scare people away..they hang out with me once and never want to hang out again. What am I doing wrong! God, I didn't think I was that bad.
This brings me to my next point. I really am not good enough for anyone..like, nobody cares THAT much..nobody cares ENOUGH. Nobody wants to put the effort into anny friendship that involves me. I'll try to think of hypothetical examples, then I'll give real ones.
I just saw this movie where this guy fell for this girl and she got mad at him. Sounds common right? Right. However, she won't return his calls. Now, if this were me, he would give up right away and move on to the next girl. However, in any other situation (and not just in the movies), the guy will call back until he gets a hold of her, and if he still can't he will go to her in person. See, I'm not good enough, because guys don't bother trying hard. OR at all. Many a time I have had guys just completely stop talking to me all together, randomly. When I'd explain the situation to other people, they all said, he'll call don't worry..there's no way he won't cuz that wouldnt make sense. But he didnt. Ever again. And then when I told people this they were like shocked. So, again, Why ME? What did I ever do to deserve this!
Here's another example. Nobody cares enough about me to put any effort into the relationship, as I mentioned. Let me give one huge example that ruined my life. When me and Adam got into a fight (online mind you), being really angry I said I never want to talk to you again, and I blocked him. Now, he was my BEST FRIEND at that point. So you'd think that he'd oh I don't know...try to find some way of communicating with me maybe! He DOES have more than one sn. But no..we didn't speak for EIGHT MONTHS, and in those 8 months did he try ONCE to talk to me ever, or make any effort at all?? NOPE. He just let me go, because I meant nothing to him, and our friendship obviously meant nothing either. I apparently mean nothing to everyone. This is what I have such a problem with. This is what I can't stop thinking about. THis is why I am so depressed!! Because I know that everyone feels this way about me because they've all already proved it! I make my opinions based on experience. And you know what? I can truly say MY LIFE SUCKS.
I would be better off having never been born.