On emo moments and thinking internally
Lately I've found myself becoming reclusive and distancing myself from the people I care about. It's a slow descent into a bit of bipolar madness that I'm trying like hell to prevent.
My online friends probably can't even tell because I lock myself away in my room and talk to them instead of dealing with my real life. Before I was careful to balance the two things, with a generous helping of both online and real-world social lives and taking care to not neglect either if possible. Now I just basically want to stay away from everyone I know except for a select few online friends.
I've felt this random-ass rage and anger and jealousy and...just a huge nonsensical, pointless hunk of emotion building up inside of me for no good reason. They're not emotions I feel toward any one person, they're just there, unused, not dealt with, and it feels like it's threatening to explode out of me at any point. I worry it'll happen when Kenny and Cally and the cats are about, or worse, my parents and sister. When I actually enter into a manic phase I get weird and paranoid, or worse, physically violent.
Working out isn't helping nor hindering the effort to get rid of said emotions. I think I really just need everyone to leave for a few days and CLEAN. CLEAN EVERYTHING. I need Cally and Kenny to both be gone, and take the cats, and I'll just scrub the fuck out of everything. THAT would probably help, but I'd have to be totally alone, and I can't be interrupted. *grinds teeth*
This is basically just very frustrating. I've been TRYING to give myself a daily dose of real social interaction, at the very least with my husband or something, but this new job is making me even MORE reclusive once I get home.
I think I'll head downstairs and attempt to be normal for a while.
My online friends probably can't even tell because I lock myself away in my room and talk to them instead of dealing with my real life. Before I was careful to balance the two things, with a generous helping of both online and real-world social lives and taking care to not neglect either if possible. Now I just basically want to stay away from everyone I know except for a select few online friends.
I've felt this random-ass rage and anger and jealousy and...just a huge nonsensical, pointless hunk of emotion building up inside of me for no good reason. They're not emotions I feel toward any one person, they're just there, unused, not dealt with, and it feels like it's threatening to explode out of me at any point. I worry it'll happen when Kenny and Cally and the cats are about, or worse, my parents and sister. When I actually enter into a manic phase I get weird and paranoid, or worse, physically violent.
Working out isn't helping nor hindering the effort to get rid of said emotions. I think I really just need everyone to leave for a few days and CLEAN. CLEAN EVERYTHING. I need Cally and Kenny to both be gone, and take the cats, and I'll just scrub the fuck out of everything. THAT would probably help, but I'd have to be totally alone, and I can't be interrupted. *grinds teeth*
This is basically just very frustrating. I've been TRYING to give myself a daily dose of real social interaction, at the very least with my husband or something, but this new job is making me even MORE reclusive once I get home.
I think I'll head downstairs and attempt to be normal for a while.