I just wanna believe...
I just keep failing w/ my attempt to not neglect LJ. sorry guys. So much has changed since my last entry. Reading this entry and last entry is like two different people.. I ended up going to talk to coach the next day and he said it was okay that I missed practice but that he doesn't see how I'm going to improve if I miss practice (like if I miss all the time!?) and he said his famous quote " we are only as strong as our weakest link" .. I was just like um okay whatever. But I had to miss that day too cause it's my day for training. So then later on Monica (Head Athletic Trainer) Deanna (another trainer/track girl) and I were doing stuff for training cause it was Deannas training day too, and Coach Clemens came up to us and gave us an ultimatum (sp?) .. Training vs. Track.. Okay, we all know what I picked. Yeah, I like track but I'm not going to let it run my life because training is way more important to me. So there it went. My track star hopes, gone. lol. So there is big change number one. I guess it's alright though, this gives me more time to do stuff after scho0l. I'm just going to start going into the training room everyday after school and working out in order to keep in shape untill Yvy and I get out membership at LA Fitness. So yeah, like I've been saying for the past few entries, I'm really stressed with life. I don't know why, I guess my situation at home has a role to play with it. I wish parents were more aware of things. Well, my parents. Sometimes I sit and wonder..why did God make this path for me, why did he choose me to be the way I am and have the life I live. Sometimes those two things don't add up or make sense or fit. I can't seem to put the puzzle together and it aggravates me. I really wish I was older, I want to be able to get out there on my own, and really face life. I'm ready for everything it has to offer. The things I've seen and been through have been a lot, and tough but I still have so much more to go. In health we did a little test and had a chart of stressors in a teenagers life, and each thing had points, you wrote down everything thats happened to you in the past year, and add up the points. My results were so high, the conclusion was that I have a very stressful life and have been through too much for a person of my age. How do you guess that made me feel? It's completely true. And I hate my parents for it.. Oh well, everytime I get into these conversations I decide to just forget about it and go on with this fucked up life, but its this life that plays role in why I do things, or shut certain people out. Leading up to my next subject.. I broke up w/ frankie. I know..it is random and weird and out of nowhere! But it all comes down to all this stress, and I just really wasn't being the best girlfriend or anything, I just dont wan't to hurt him, and I'm not in any way ready for a serious relationship, i'm neither ready nor want to. I feel really bad, and still do care and think about him but it's just what's best. I don't know, i'll never understand myself. But I do feel like a weight is off my shoulders which makes me feel a little better. I just wanna try and get through these times as unstressed and unattatched as possible. So these days have been pretty interesting, and some excitement has happened. My sister Paris is now a driver, and we've already had some mini-adventures ! <3 i love u kiddo. Many more to come once she picks up those grades! (free one on one tutoring available) My best amiga Jackie also got her liscence so congratulations to us all. We're all becoming such big girls. Last night was Titina's 16th birthday and we all celebrated at Hard Rock Cafe then on a party boat. It was pretty fun. Mike Stern was there for dinner, so I was to0 excited! because I love him oh so much. He brought some fruity friend from Orlando. eek, Drea and I had fun making fun of that one. It was quite the random bunch of people but whatever trevor it was cool, and Titina had a blast, which is what matters. This morning I woke up and decided I needed to clean my ro0m and get rid of some stuff.. I need to change all my pictures in all my frames, they're all still from when I was friends with Krysten and Katie and stuff. I need to really erase things from my life, maybe having some of this "old" stuff around is whats keeping the negative energy in my life. I have a lot of stuff to throw away. And I have this box of stuff from nicholas I need to like burn. ok, for some reason I'm having a writer's block now. Okay i'm done with this entry because someone keeps bothering me about shit and now i'm just upset. And my mom is taking too long to come get me for lunch and i'm getting hungry and grumpy lol. peace kids <3