Shades of Grey (Nikaido/Senga, PG-13)
Title: Shades of Grey
Pairing: Nikaido/Senga
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, with a warning for experimental writing and a lack of knowledge. Also there is angst. A whole bunch of it.
AN: I have a lot of things I should write for people. This is not one of them, and I'm sorry. It just came pouring out. I can't explain, and I'm not going to try. Also I don't know what I'm talking about and I apologize in advance if I horribly offend someone. *worries*
Also, someone who shall remain nameless asked how I could look at the photobook and come up with this. The answer is, I HAVE NO IDEA.
Shades of Grey
"Hey," Senga says, and Nikaido looks up from where he's sitting curled up on the bathroom counter, feet drawn up and back pressed against the mirror. The photographers have all left, and he doesn't have anywhere to be for a little while.
"Hey," he replies. Senga walks over and leans his elbows on Nikaido's knees, resting his chin on his hands. Nikaido lets him, even though his elbows are a bit sharp. Senga doesn't say anything.
"What are you doing?" Nikaido asks, after a long moment when Senga does nothing but stare.
"Looking at you."
The answer makes alarm bells ring in Nikaido's head, but he doesn't move and doesn't push Senga away. "Why?" he asks, not sure he wants to know the answer. It's unusual for Senga to be so serious, so still and quiet, and Nikaido feels a bit nervous.
"Because you're gorgeous."
Nikaido freezes. "What?" he manages when he gets at least his brain working again, just a bit. And then focuses on trying not to let that bit panic.
Senga seems to sense something wrong; he takes a step back, but keeps staring steadily at Nikaido. Nikaido lets his feet drop to dangle off the counter, sitting up straight.
"Kento..."
He doesn't know what to say, how to react, and so they wait, silence stretching out until Senga breaks.
"I really like you."
And Nikaido freezes up again, panic swelling, a million thoughts swirling through his head so quickly that he can't grasp onto any of them. No, he thinks. No, no.
"...Nika?"
No. Don't do this. I... In some other distant part of his head, Nikaido knows he must look like a deer caught in headlights, but he's just as frozen as the animal and can't think, can't move.
"Nika, please," Senga says. "I'm sorry. Can you please say something?"
"I..." Nikaido tries. He wracks his brain for words. "I don't know. What am I supposed to say?"
"You don't have to answer how you feel about me. But please. At least tell me how you feel. What are you feeling right now?"
Nikaido considers it, focusing on one task at a time. "Confused. I don't know." He thinks carefully about it, because Senga's his best friend and he feels he owes him at least that much. "Maybe a little angry."
Despite those feelings, it still hurts somehow when Senga expression turns fearful. "Why angry?"
"Because you changed everything. You went ahead and decided all on your own, and now it won't be the same, will it? That's not fair." He says it quickly, the dam breaking on the rushing thoughts in his head.
"I'm sorry." Senga looks miserable. "I just. I had to tell you." He looks like he might cry, taking slow deep breathes and visibly trying to keep himself under control. "It wasn't fair not to."
"To you or to me?" Nikaido asks, quiet even though he is mad about it. It's Senga's fault and not his fault all at once. "What am I supposed to do now?"
"I don't know. Nothing, I guess. It's fine."
"How is it fine?"
"Just pretend I never said anything. Nothing will change." Senga seems a bit desperate.
Nikaido snorts. "Because it's not going to be really awkward now?" And he really is angry, because their friendship means a lot to him, and Senga's just gone and ruined it, really, with no warning and nothing Nikaido can do to change it.
"It doesn't have to be," Senga argues, and at least he's stopped the deep-breathing thing. He leans his hands on Nikaido's knees, and Nikaido forces himself not to pull back. "If we both just act normal, it will be normal," Senga insists.
"I'm not sure if I can do that," Nikaido says honestly.
"Just try," Senga says. "Please?"
Nikaido takes a deep breath. "Can you maybe leave me alone for a while?"
He doesn't have a choice, Nikaido realizes. There's nothing to do but act normal, because they have to work together, and even if they didn't, Nikaido isn't ready to let Senga disappear from his life. It's difficult, but he manages. Of course it's still awkward at first, or at least it feels that way to him, because now he's hyper aware of every time Senga touches him. He forces himself not to flinch or pull away; Senga has always touched him a lot, this is normal, and pushing him away would be admitting that something has changed, so he doesn't. And after a while, it gets easier and easier and he doesn't think about it much, until things really do seem normal, are normal, and Nikaido forgets Senga's confession entirely.
Until one day, months later, when Senga ruins everything, just like the first time.
"Nika. Do you remember that time, in Macau?"
It only takes that one sentence to bring the carefully constructed facade crumbling down. Of course Nikaido remembers - it was possibly one of the most terrifying moments of his life. This one turns out to be worse.
"I can't do this anymore," Senga says.
"Do what?" Nikaido asks, and those same feelings of panic are an unwelcome familiarity.
"Pretend. I can't keep pretending. It hurts too much."
Anger flares up in Nikaido's chest. "Well, why did you ever have to say anything in the first place?!" He doesn't care if it's unreasonable. "We were happy, you know? Before you said anything!"
He can see right away how wrong he is.
"But I wasn't," Senga tells him. "I'm not."
"So I can't be happy either, then?" Nikaido feels bitter, years of friendship slipping through his fingers.
"I'm sorry."
Senga stops calling him. There are no mails, nothing. Nikaido still sees him at work, and Senga does his best to seemingly pretend that Nikaido doesn't exist. It's a different kind of pretend than before, and it hurts so much more, but Nikaido doesn't know what to do about it, has no idea how to make things better, and so he lets Senga pull farther and farther away every day.
It feels like someone has pulled apart his heart.
"Hi..."
Nikaido nearly drops his phone when Senga answers. Of course he knows that it's Nikaido calling. Even if it's been a few weeks, a few unbearable weeks, he knows Senga hasn't deleted him from his phone.
"Senga."
"Yeah?" Senga's voice is soft, resigned-sounding.
"I'm sorry," Nikaido says.
"For what?"
"For letting you go- I don't know," Nikaido tries. He's thought this out, but there aren't any words to properly explain how he feels. He just knows that he needs Senga to be there, that he needs him in his life.
"What are you saying?" Senga asks.
"I don't know. I really... look, can I come over? Can I talk to you?"
He feels like his heart stops as he waits for Senga's answer.
"...okay.
Nikaido gets to Senga's house in record time, running to and from train stations and ignoring the annoyed glares he gets from the people he bumps into as he dodges through the crowds. He says perfunctory greetings to Senga's father when he answers the door, despite not having seen him in months. He needs to see Senga now.
There's no cheerful mask on when he sits down with Senga in his room. There's no one else to put on a performance for, and Senga looks lonely and small. Nikaido feels miserable.
"This needs to stop," Nikaido demands.
Senga looks wary. "What needs to stop?"
"This! This... whatever we're doing. I can't-" Nikaido stops himself, trying to make sense of what he feels. He says the one thing he knows for sure. "You're my best friend. I'm not giving that up. I need you."
Senga looks at him for a long time and Nikaido gives him the time to think. He'll give him as much time as he needs.
"I can't change how I feel," Senga says eventually.
"I don't care," Nikaido rushes to assure him. "It doesn't matter."
"I love you," Senga clarifies, as if Nikaido isn't clear on what they're talking about.
"That's fine. As long as you're still my friend."
"It hurts to be with you." Nikaido hates how Senga looks broken, hates it more than anything. Senga has always meant so much to him, and he just wants him to smile, to be happy again.
"Does it hurt less when you're not?" He prays he's guessing right about this.
"...no," Senga admits.
"Then still be my friend," Nikaido insists. "You can say what you want, whatever. It won't bother me." It's close enough to the truth. If being open about his feelings will make Senga happier, then Nikaido will put up with it.
"...okay." The tiny, tentative smile on Senga's face gives him hope.
"It's still weird," Senga says one day, about a week later. They've been hanging out every other day or so and Nikaido feels like maybe things will be okay again, as long as Senga's there.
"What's weird?" he asks. He's getting used to the smiles that Senga gives him, the ones that let show just how Senga feels, and he's almost happy to see them, because as long as Senga is looking like that, smiling like that, then Nikaido doesn't have to worry; Senga seems happy.
"I just really want to kiss you," Senga admits, not particularly shy now that Nikaido has given him permission to say what he feels.
Nikaido just smiles, leaning back against his wall. "Yeah?"
"Like, all the time," Senga clarifies. "That's what's making this kind of hard."
"Hmm," Nikaido says. There's a comfortable silence while he thinks about it. Senga just watches him from where he's curled up on Nikaido's futon.
It's not that Nikaido feels weirded out by the thought of Senga kissing him. It's not gross or wrong or anything like Senga might assume he thinks. Nikaido just... doesn't want to. But he thinks about it carefully, because Senga really likes him, and decides that he doesn't really mind, maybe.
"You can if you want to," he tells him.
"What, really?" Senga sits up, looking surprised.
"Yeah," Nikaido says, "I don't mind."
"Oh."
There's another long silence.
Nikaido smiles. "So are you going to?"
Senga frowns. "Nika, I don't..."
"What?"
"I don't want to make you do something you don't want to do."
"I don't mind." Nikaido doesn't tell him that he wants to, because he doesn't particularly feel any desire to do so. But if it makes Senga happy, then Nikaido doesn't mind kissing him.
Senga doesn't look like he's going to take up the offer. "No, it's okay."
"Senga..." Nikaido pushes himself up from where he's sitting, crawling the meter to Senga's side. He reaches out and cups Senga's face with one hand, and when Senga just stares with wide eyes, Nikaido leans in closer.
It's weird, kissing Senga. Partly it's because Senga seems frozen, but partly it's because Nikaido doesn't really understand kissing. It's nice enough, and some of the girls he's kissed (because he felt like he was supposed to) told him he was good at it, but he never really wants to. Nor does he not want to. It's just kind of a neutral thing. Kind of like the various types of food that he would never make for himself or order, but enjoys well enough when given to him.
Nikaido presses his lips to Senga's, concentrates on what they feel like, a bit rough and soft against his. He finds it interesting how you can feel someone like that, with more than your hands; it's kind of strange to touch someone else with your mouth. It's more interesting when Senga suddenly leans into him, kissing him in return and clutching the back of Nikaido's t-shirt in his hands. Nikaido lets him for another few seconds, and then pulls back slowly, smiling.
Senga's eyes are still wide, shining with what might be un-shed tears, and he looks like Nikaido has just given him everything he could ever ask for.
Maybe Nikaido has.
"Nika..." Senga whispers. He looks happier than Nikaido has ever seen, and Nikaido feels his heart swell until it's a painful pressure in his chest. If this is how it will make Senga feel, Nikaido won't mind kissing him all the time.
It's then that Nikaido realizes his own feelings, although he doesn't say it. He loves Senga.
He just doesn't want him.
Nikaido kisses Senga more often than the other way around, which Nikaido finds amusing. It's not that he wants to kiss Senga, or even that he enjoys it (although it's nice enough), but more that he loves the way Senga smiles when he does. He finds that it's really easy to make Senga happy; leaning over and giving him a random peck on the corner of his mouth makes Senga light up like the sun, and Nikaido basks in those rays and feels warm through and through.
Senga seems to sense that it's something Nikaido is doing for him, and he accepts his kisses like presents, glad for each and every one, but never demanding more.
Nikaido doesn't want Senga to feel like he has to hold back, that he can't just be himself, so he does his best to prove that he doesn't mind. He throws himself into it, kisses Senga harder, pays close attention to what he likes so that he can do it over and over until Senga is melting into him, and he never, ever says no or pushes Senga away. He pushes Senga down on his bed and slides their tongues together until Senga is whimpering into his mouth, runs his hands over Senga's body as he arches into his touch. He touches and kisses him until Senga makes him stop, until one day Senga doesn't, not in time.
Senga clutches at his shoulders and pushes him away, not with his usual resigned smile when they have to stop, but frantic and sudden.
"Nika, wait, I-" he gasps. He scrambles out from beneath Nikaido. "Sorry I can't... I have to-." Senga cuts off, flustered and red, and throws himself toward his bedroom door. He's gone before Nikaido can stop him.
It's a long time before Senga comes back, but Nikaido has nowhere to go, so he just crawls under the covers and waits; Senga can't very well explain sleeping on the couch in his own living room. When Senga does come back, he doesn't say anything. He just turns off the lights and crawls in next to Nikaido, curling on his side and facing away, careful not to touch him. Nikaido isn't sure what to say, but he doesn't want Senga to feel bad, because that makes Nikaido feel worse than anything. He slides a careful arm around Senga's waist, reassuring, and lets out a sigh of relief when Senga doesn't push him off.
They fall asleep.
The next time, Nikaido tries the direct approach.
"You don't have to leave," he says between kisses. "It's okay."
But Senga stops him then, sitting up, looking suddenly serious.
"What?" Nikaido asks, worried.
"Why do you do this?" Senga asks.
"Do what?"
"This," Senga says, waving a hand to indicate the two of them. "You don't... you don't really like it, do you?"
"That's not true," Nikaido argues.
"But it kind of is," Senga replies. "I mean. You can't think I don't notice. You never... get hard." He looks utterly mortified. "Ever."
Nikaido isn't sure what to say to that. "That's..."
"See?"
"It doesn't mean I don't enjoy it," Nikaido hedges. And he does, because Senga does. But it doesn't physically feel much different than a massage, or a bath, or pleasant things like that, not to him. Senga has always touched him, and even if his touches are sort of different now, Nikaido can't seem to register them as something sexual, not when they're on his back or arms, and Senga hasn't tried anything more overt than that.
"So why?" Senga asks again, pleading, and Nikaido has to give him an honest answer.
"Because you want me to."
"What?! I don't want you to... to kiss me or anything just because you think I want you to. I want you to do it because you want to!"
Nikaido knew Senga wouldn't like that answer. But Nikaido doesn't know how to fix it. His stomach churns at the thought of Senga saying goodbye. "I'm sorry," he whispers, and hopes that maybe Senga won't even hear.
Senga looks crushed.
"What are we?" he asks eventually, when Nikaido can't bring himself to say anything.
"I don't know," Nikaido answers truthfully. And then, before Senga can speak, "pleasedon'tleaveme."
That seems to being Senga up short. "What?"
"I love you," Nikaido tells him, clear and direct and maybe for the first time. He means it.
"...I don't understand," Senga says.
"I don't know," Nikaido starts. "It's hard to explain."
"Try?"
"I... want to be with you, but I don't... want to be with you. Not that I don't want to be with you," Nikaido hurries to reassure, "just that I don't want to be with you." Senga stares. "...does that make sense?"
"So you... love me, but you don't want me," Senga summarizes. "Is that what you mean?"
"Well, maybe... not quite?" Nikaido doesn't want to say that that's exactly what he means, because it isn't, not exactly.
"You love me like a friend?" Senga asks. "Like a brother?"
"No, it's different. I don't know," Nikaido says again, frustrated.
"But you love me enough to do whatever you think I like?"
"I just want you to be happy!" Nikaido admits.
"...I see."
Nikaido doesn't think Senga does.
"So you love your sister, right?" Senga asks a few days later.
"What?" Nikaido is startled. "Yeah, of course."
"What if she loved you, like, more than a brother."
"What?" Nikaido repeats, frowning. He doesn't know where Senga is going with this.
"Would you kiss her?"
"What?! Ew, no!"
Senga looks calculating. "What if she said she'd move away and not tell you where, and she'd never contact you ever again?"
"I... why are you asking this?"
"Just play along," Senga demands.
"Um." Nikaido thinks for a second, kind of grossed out by the idea. "It would really suck. I'd miss her a lot. But then it would be weird to see her, too, wouldn't it? So maybe it'd be better if she left."
"But you'll kiss me to keep me from leaving?"
Ah. "You're not my sister," Nikaido points out. The comparison doesn't really work. "That would be incest. There's nothing wrong with me kissing you."
"So it's just a matter of okay or not okay?" Senga questions. "It doesn't matter what you feel?"
Nikaido blinks.
"What else would you do?" Senga eyes him. "Would you kiss your sister if I said I'd leave otherwise?"
This is an awful test, and Nikaido tells him so. "How can you even ask that?!"
"Fine, fine," Senga waves his hand dismissively. "Someone else then. Would you kiss a stranger?"
"To keep you from leaving?" Nikaido asks.
"Yeah."
Nikaido knows he won't let it drop until he gets an answer. Would Nikaido kiss some random girl to keep Senga with him?
"Yes."
Senga narrows his eyes. "How about, like, a fifty-year-old guy?"
"...yes." Not that Nikaido really wants to think about that.
"What would you let him do to you? If I said I'd refuse to see you again if you didn't? Anything?"
Nikaido closes his eyes, distinctly uncomfortable with this line of questioning. "Maybe. Yes."
He opens his eyes again when Senga says nothing more, and Senga is staring.
"I don't get you," he says, finally. "I mean that much to you?"
"I keep telling you that you do," Nikaido argues. "Because I love you."
"So you just let me do what I want, or you just do what you think I want, but it's not what you want?"
"It is what I want," Nikaido says. "I want what you want. Isn't that enough?"
"Is it?"
Nikaido doesn't have an answer.
Senga seems okay for a few days, but it doesn't last. He pulls away, panting, as soon as Nikaido reaches for his pants.
"Don't."
"I want to," Nikaido insists. And he does want to; he wants to make Senga feel wonderful. "Please, let me?"
"...okay," Senga whispers, and buries his face in Nikaido's chest.
He feels different than Nikaido, but similar enough, and Nikaido focuses carefully on Senga's reactions, trying to memorize how he likes to be touched. His heart beats faster as Senga trembles in his arms, shaking and gasping for air, and Nikaido moves his hand faster to match. Senga chokes out his name in warning, but Nikaido just keeps going, loving the way Senga falls apart in front of him, so beautiful that Nikaido would do anything to see it over and over again.
Senga brushes his fingers across Nikaido's abdomen as his breathing slows.
"Can you just... not?" he asks quietly.
Nikaido wishes he could say that he can't, maybe it would be easier that way, but it would be a lie. "No, I can," he admits.
"But not with me," Senga says, sounding sad.
"Not with anyone," Nikaido clarifies. "Or, I mean." He stops, not sure how to explain.
"But you get yourself off?"
Senga closes his eyes, which makes it less awkward to answer his questions, at least. "Um. Yeah."
"What do you think of?"
"Huh?"
"When you do it," Senga explains. "What do you think of? Or who, maybe. Like, a girl? Some actress? A sempai even? Something like that."
Nikaido figures that maybe that's the problem. "I don't think of anything at all."
"Nothing?" Senga opens his eyes to peer up at him.
"It just feels good," Nikaido says, and he can feel himself blushing.
Senga shifts up so that they're level. "So... would it feel good if I touched you?"
"Um." Nikaido has never thought of it like that before. "Probably, yes."
"Can I try it, then?"
Nikaido hesitates. He's got some experience, entirely with girls, but they've always been thrilled to have a guy pay more attention to their needs than the guy's own, and no one has ever questioned the fact that he doesn't get off on it. He's never really done this with anyone before.
But this is Senga. "Okay," he allows, and tries not to squirm when Senga goes straight for his waistband.
He bites his lip as Senga's fingers wrap around him, and it's so totally different, having someone else touch him like this. Different, but still nice, and he grows hard in Senga's hand faster than when he touches himself. Because Senga really wants to make him feel good, really loves him, and knowing that makes Nikaido feel relaxed and happy and content.
"So you can," Senga says, and Nikaido can hear the smugness in his voice.
"I told you I could," he says, and he's finding it a bit harder to breathe.
Senga explores a bit, just like Nikaido would, clearly trying to figure out how best to drive Nikaido crazy, and Nikaido focuses on the feel of his fingers on his skin, not always moving the way he expects them to, and finds himself getting close.
"Kenpi," he manages. "Just..." He swallows and tries to remember to keep breathing. Senga doesn't make matters much better, because he leans down to kiss Nikaido right then. Nikaido can't focus much on kissing back, but Senga doesn't seem to mind.
"Come on," he whispers.
Nikaido grabs onto his shoulder and squeezes tight. "Yeah." He opens his eyes for a second to see Senga watching carefully, but it's too late to be embarrassed, and Nikaido closes his eyes again as the rush of orgasm sweeps through him.
When he opens his eyes again, Senga looks just as awed as that very first time Nikaido kissed him. Nikaido laughs softly. "You're not going to cry on me, are you?"
Senga grins, although it's watery. "I won't."
He laughs when Nikaido pulls him close to hug him, not at all caring about the mess.
"So you can actually enjoy sex," Senga says, smirking.
Nikaido glares at him over his toothbrush. "Ah nebah seh ah in," he says, and then repeats it sans toothbrush when Senga tilts his head. "I said I never said I couldn't."
Senga tilts his head the other way and Nikaido whacks him lightly. "Stop that."
"Sorry, sorry." He waits until Nikaido is done washing up and then trails him back to his bedroom, tucking himself into Nikaido's futon while Nikaido pulls off his sweats and tank top.
Nikaido slides in next to him, enjoying the feel of the sheets against his skin and Senga warm all along his side. He rolls so that he can throw an arm across Senga's chest and pull him closer.
"Hey," he says.
"Hey." Senga smiles.
"I'm sorry I'm not... like you," Nikaido starts.
"It's okay," Senga says, cutting him off before he can ask his question and leaning over to kiss him lightly. "It's okay, just like this."
Nikaido has his answer.
Pairing: Nikaido/Senga
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, with a warning for experimental writing and a lack of knowledge. Also there is angst. A whole bunch of it.
AN: I have a lot of things I should write for people. This is not one of them, and I'm sorry. It just came pouring out. I can't explain, and I'm not going to try. Also I don't know what I'm talking about and I apologize in advance if I horribly offend someone. *worries*
Also, someone who shall remain nameless asked how I could look at the photobook and come up with this. The answer is, I HAVE NO IDEA.
Shades of Grey
"Hey," Senga says, and Nikaido looks up from where he's sitting curled up on the bathroom counter, feet drawn up and back pressed against the mirror. The photographers have all left, and he doesn't have anywhere to be for a little while.
"Hey," he replies. Senga walks over and leans his elbows on Nikaido's knees, resting his chin on his hands. Nikaido lets him, even though his elbows are a bit sharp. Senga doesn't say anything.
"What are you doing?" Nikaido asks, after a long moment when Senga does nothing but stare.
"Looking at you."
The answer makes alarm bells ring in Nikaido's head, but he doesn't move and doesn't push Senga away. "Why?" he asks, not sure he wants to know the answer. It's unusual for Senga to be so serious, so still and quiet, and Nikaido feels a bit nervous.
"Because you're gorgeous."
Nikaido freezes. "What?" he manages when he gets at least his brain working again, just a bit. And then focuses on trying not to let that bit panic.
Senga seems to sense something wrong; he takes a step back, but keeps staring steadily at Nikaido. Nikaido lets his feet drop to dangle off the counter, sitting up straight.
"Kento..."
He doesn't know what to say, how to react, and so they wait, silence stretching out until Senga breaks.
"I really like you."
And Nikaido freezes up again, panic swelling, a million thoughts swirling through his head so quickly that he can't grasp onto any of them. No, he thinks. No, no.
"...Nika?"
No. Don't do this. I... In some other distant part of his head, Nikaido knows he must look like a deer caught in headlights, but he's just as frozen as the animal and can't think, can't move.
"Nika, please," Senga says. "I'm sorry. Can you please say something?"
"I..." Nikaido tries. He wracks his brain for words. "I don't know. What am I supposed to say?"
"You don't have to answer how you feel about me. But please. At least tell me how you feel. What are you feeling right now?"
Nikaido considers it, focusing on one task at a time. "Confused. I don't know." He thinks carefully about it, because Senga's his best friend and he feels he owes him at least that much. "Maybe a little angry."
Despite those feelings, it still hurts somehow when Senga expression turns fearful. "Why angry?"
"Because you changed everything. You went ahead and decided all on your own, and now it won't be the same, will it? That's not fair." He says it quickly, the dam breaking on the rushing thoughts in his head.
"I'm sorry." Senga looks miserable. "I just. I had to tell you." He looks like he might cry, taking slow deep breathes and visibly trying to keep himself under control. "It wasn't fair not to."
"To you or to me?" Nikaido asks, quiet even though he is mad about it. It's Senga's fault and not his fault all at once. "What am I supposed to do now?"
"I don't know. Nothing, I guess. It's fine."
"How is it fine?"
"Just pretend I never said anything. Nothing will change." Senga seems a bit desperate.
Nikaido snorts. "Because it's not going to be really awkward now?" And he really is angry, because their friendship means a lot to him, and Senga's just gone and ruined it, really, with no warning and nothing Nikaido can do to change it.
"It doesn't have to be," Senga argues, and at least he's stopped the deep-breathing thing. He leans his hands on Nikaido's knees, and Nikaido forces himself not to pull back. "If we both just act normal, it will be normal," Senga insists.
"I'm not sure if I can do that," Nikaido says honestly.
"Just try," Senga says. "Please?"
Nikaido takes a deep breath. "Can you maybe leave me alone for a while?"
He doesn't have a choice, Nikaido realizes. There's nothing to do but act normal, because they have to work together, and even if they didn't, Nikaido isn't ready to let Senga disappear from his life. It's difficult, but he manages. Of course it's still awkward at first, or at least it feels that way to him, because now he's hyper aware of every time Senga touches him. He forces himself not to flinch or pull away; Senga has always touched him a lot, this is normal, and pushing him away would be admitting that something has changed, so he doesn't. And after a while, it gets easier and easier and he doesn't think about it much, until things really do seem normal, are normal, and Nikaido forgets Senga's confession entirely.
Until one day, months later, when Senga ruins everything, just like the first time.
"Nika. Do you remember that time, in Macau?"
It only takes that one sentence to bring the carefully constructed facade crumbling down. Of course Nikaido remembers - it was possibly one of the most terrifying moments of his life. This one turns out to be worse.
"I can't do this anymore," Senga says.
"Do what?" Nikaido asks, and those same feelings of panic are an unwelcome familiarity.
"Pretend. I can't keep pretending. It hurts too much."
Anger flares up in Nikaido's chest. "Well, why did you ever have to say anything in the first place?!" He doesn't care if it's unreasonable. "We were happy, you know? Before you said anything!"
He can see right away how wrong he is.
"But I wasn't," Senga tells him. "I'm not."
"So I can't be happy either, then?" Nikaido feels bitter, years of friendship slipping through his fingers.
"I'm sorry."
Senga stops calling him. There are no mails, nothing. Nikaido still sees him at work, and Senga does his best to seemingly pretend that Nikaido doesn't exist. It's a different kind of pretend than before, and it hurts so much more, but Nikaido doesn't know what to do about it, has no idea how to make things better, and so he lets Senga pull farther and farther away every day.
It feels like someone has pulled apart his heart.
"Hi..."
Nikaido nearly drops his phone when Senga answers. Of course he knows that it's Nikaido calling. Even if it's been a few weeks, a few unbearable weeks, he knows Senga hasn't deleted him from his phone.
"Senga."
"Yeah?" Senga's voice is soft, resigned-sounding.
"I'm sorry," Nikaido says.
"For what?"
"For letting you go- I don't know," Nikaido tries. He's thought this out, but there aren't any words to properly explain how he feels. He just knows that he needs Senga to be there, that he needs him in his life.
"What are you saying?" Senga asks.
"I don't know. I really... look, can I come over? Can I talk to you?"
He feels like his heart stops as he waits for Senga's answer.
"...okay.
Nikaido gets to Senga's house in record time, running to and from train stations and ignoring the annoyed glares he gets from the people he bumps into as he dodges through the crowds. He says perfunctory greetings to Senga's father when he answers the door, despite not having seen him in months. He needs to see Senga now.
There's no cheerful mask on when he sits down with Senga in his room. There's no one else to put on a performance for, and Senga looks lonely and small. Nikaido feels miserable.
"This needs to stop," Nikaido demands.
Senga looks wary. "What needs to stop?"
"This! This... whatever we're doing. I can't-" Nikaido stops himself, trying to make sense of what he feels. He says the one thing he knows for sure. "You're my best friend. I'm not giving that up. I need you."
Senga looks at him for a long time and Nikaido gives him the time to think. He'll give him as much time as he needs.
"I can't change how I feel," Senga says eventually.
"I don't care," Nikaido rushes to assure him. "It doesn't matter."
"I love you," Senga clarifies, as if Nikaido isn't clear on what they're talking about.
"That's fine. As long as you're still my friend."
"It hurts to be with you." Nikaido hates how Senga looks broken, hates it more than anything. Senga has always meant so much to him, and he just wants him to smile, to be happy again.
"Does it hurt less when you're not?" He prays he's guessing right about this.
"...no," Senga admits.
"Then still be my friend," Nikaido insists. "You can say what you want, whatever. It won't bother me." It's close enough to the truth. If being open about his feelings will make Senga happier, then Nikaido will put up with it.
"...okay." The tiny, tentative smile on Senga's face gives him hope.
"It's still weird," Senga says one day, about a week later. They've been hanging out every other day or so and Nikaido feels like maybe things will be okay again, as long as Senga's there.
"What's weird?" he asks. He's getting used to the smiles that Senga gives him, the ones that let show just how Senga feels, and he's almost happy to see them, because as long as Senga is looking like that, smiling like that, then Nikaido doesn't have to worry; Senga seems happy.
"I just really want to kiss you," Senga admits, not particularly shy now that Nikaido has given him permission to say what he feels.
Nikaido just smiles, leaning back against his wall. "Yeah?"
"Like, all the time," Senga clarifies. "That's what's making this kind of hard."
"Hmm," Nikaido says. There's a comfortable silence while he thinks about it. Senga just watches him from where he's curled up on Nikaido's futon.
It's not that Nikaido feels weirded out by the thought of Senga kissing him. It's not gross or wrong or anything like Senga might assume he thinks. Nikaido just... doesn't want to. But he thinks about it carefully, because Senga really likes him, and decides that he doesn't really mind, maybe.
"You can if you want to," he tells him.
"What, really?" Senga sits up, looking surprised.
"Yeah," Nikaido says, "I don't mind."
"Oh."
There's another long silence.
Nikaido smiles. "So are you going to?"
Senga frowns. "Nika, I don't..."
"What?"
"I don't want to make you do something you don't want to do."
"I don't mind." Nikaido doesn't tell him that he wants to, because he doesn't particularly feel any desire to do so. But if it makes Senga happy, then Nikaido doesn't mind kissing him.
Senga doesn't look like he's going to take up the offer. "No, it's okay."
"Senga..." Nikaido pushes himself up from where he's sitting, crawling the meter to Senga's side. He reaches out and cups Senga's face with one hand, and when Senga just stares with wide eyes, Nikaido leans in closer.
It's weird, kissing Senga. Partly it's because Senga seems frozen, but partly it's because Nikaido doesn't really understand kissing. It's nice enough, and some of the girls he's kissed (because he felt like he was supposed to) told him he was good at it, but he never really wants to. Nor does he not want to. It's just kind of a neutral thing. Kind of like the various types of food that he would never make for himself or order, but enjoys well enough when given to him.
Nikaido presses his lips to Senga's, concentrates on what they feel like, a bit rough and soft against his. He finds it interesting how you can feel someone like that, with more than your hands; it's kind of strange to touch someone else with your mouth. It's more interesting when Senga suddenly leans into him, kissing him in return and clutching the back of Nikaido's t-shirt in his hands. Nikaido lets him for another few seconds, and then pulls back slowly, smiling.
Senga's eyes are still wide, shining with what might be un-shed tears, and he looks like Nikaido has just given him everything he could ever ask for.
Maybe Nikaido has.
"Nika..." Senga whispers. He looks happier than Nikaido has ever seen, and Nikaido feels his heart swell until it's a painful pressure in his chest. If this is how it will make Senga feel, Nikaido won't mind kissing him all the time.
It's then that Nikaido realizes his own feelings, although he doesn't say it. He loves Senga.
He just doesn't want him.
Nikaido kisses Senga more often than the other way around, which Nikaido finds amusing. It's not that he wants to kiss Senga, or even that he enjoys it (although it's nice enough), but more that he loves the way Senga smiles when he does. He finds that it's really easy to make Senga happy; leaning over and giving him a random peck on the corner of his mouth makes Senga light up like the sun, and Nikaido basks in those rays and feels warm through and through.
Senga seems to sense that it's something Nikaido is doing for him, and he accepts his kisses like presents, glad for each and every one, but never demanding more.
Nikaido doesn't want Senga to feel like he has to hold back, that he can't just be himself, so he does his best to prove that he doesn't mind. He throws himself into it, kisses Senga harder, pays close attention to what he likes so that he can do it over and over until Senga is melting into him, and he never, ever says no or pushes Senga away. He pushes Senga down on his bed and slides their tongues together until Senga is whimpering into his mouth, runs his hands over Senga's body as he arches into his touch. He touches and kisses him until Senga makes him stop, until one day Senga doesn't, not in time.
Senga clutches at his shoulders and pushes him away, not with his usual resigned smile when they have to stop, but frantic and sudden.
"Nika, wait, I-" he gasps. He scrambles out from beneath Nikaido. "Sorry I can't... I have to-." Senga cuts off, flustered and red, and throws himself toward his bedroom door. He's gone before Nikaido can stop him.
It's a long time before Senga comes back, but Nikaido has nowhere to go, so he just crawls under the covers and waits; Senga can't very well explain sleeping on the couch in his own living room. When Senga does come back, he doesn't say anything. He just turns off the lights and crawls in next to Nikaido, curling on his side and facing away, careful not to touch him. Nikaido isn't sure what to say, but he doesn't want Senga to feel bad, because that makes Nikaido feel worse than anything. He slides a careful arm around Senga's waist, reassuring, and lets out a sigh of relief when Senga doesn't push him off.
They fall asleep.
The next time, Nikaido tries the direct approach.
"You don't have to leave," he says between kisses. "It's okay."
But Senga stops him then, sitting up, looking suddenly serious.
"What?" Nikaido asks, worried.
"Why do you do this?" Senga asks.
"Do what?"
"This," Senga says, waving a hand to indicate the two of them. "You don't... you don't really like it, do you?"
"That's not true," Nikaido argues.
"But it kind of is," Senga replies. "I mean. You can't think I don't notice. You never... get hard." He looks utterly mortified. "Ever."
Nikaido isn't sure what to say to that. "That's..."
"See?"
"It doesn't mean I don't enjoy it," Nikaido hedges. And he does, because Senga does. But it doesn't physically feel much different than a massage, or a bath, or pleasant things like that, not to him. Senga has always touched him, and even if his touches are sort of different now, Nikaido can't seem to register them as something sexual, not when they're on his back or arms, and Senga hasn't tried anything more overt than that.
"So why?" Senga asks again, pleading, and Nikaido has to give him an honest answer.
"Because you want me to."
"What?! I don't want you to... to kiss me or anything just because you think I want you to. I want you to do it because you want to!"
Nikaido knew Senga wouldn't like that answer. But Nikaido doesn't know how to fix it. His stomach churns at the thought of Senga saying goodbye. "I'm sorry," he whispers, and hopes that maybe Senga won't even hear.
Senga looks crushed.
"What are we?" he asks eventually, when Nikaido can't bring himself to say anything.
"I don't know," Nikaido answers truthfully. And then, before Senga can speak, "pleasedon'tleaveme."
That seems to being Senga up short. "What?"
"I love you," Nikaido tells him, clear and direct and maybe for the first time. He means it.
"...I don't understand," Senga says.
"I don't know," Nikaido starts. "It's hard to explain."
"Try?"
"I... want to be with you, but I don't... want to be with you. Not that I don't want to be with you," Nikaido hurries to reassure, "just that I don't want to be with you." Senga stares. "...does that make sense?"
"So you... love me, but you don't want me," Senga summarizes. "Is that what you mean?"
"Well, maybe... not quite?" Nikaido doesn't want to say that that's exactly what he means, because it isn't, not exactly.
"You love me like a friend?" Senga asks. "Like a brother?"
"No, it's different. I don't know," Nikaido says again, frustrated.
"But you love me enough to do whatever you think I like?"
"I just want you to be happy!" Nikaido admits.
"...I see."
Nikaido doesn't think Senga does.
"So you love your sister, right?" Senga asks a few days later.
"What?" Nikaido is startled. "Yeah, of course."
"What if she loved you, like, more than a brother."
"What?" Nikaido repeats, frowning. He doesn't know where Senga is going with this.
"Would you kiss her?"
"What?! Ew, no!"
Senga looks calculating. "What if she said she'd move away and not tell you where, and she'd never contact you ever again?"
"I... why are you asking this?"
"Just play along," Senga demands.
"Um." Nikaido thinks for a second, kind of grossed out by the idea. "It would really suck. I'd miss her a lot. But then it would be weird to see her, too, wouldn't it? So maybe it'd be better if she left."
"But you'll kiss me to keep me from leaving?"
Ah. "You're not my sister," Nikaido points out. The comparison doesn't really work. "That would be incest. There's nothing wrong with me kissing you."
"So it's just a matter of okay or not okay?" Senga questions. "It doesn't matter what you feel?"
Nikaido blinks.
"What else would you do?" Senga eyes him. "Would you kiss your sister if I said I'd leave otherwise?"
This is an awful test, and Nikaido tells him so. "How can you even ask that?!"
"Fine, fine," Senga waves his hand dismissively. "Someone else then. Would you kiss a stranger?"
"To keep you from leaving?" Nikaido asks.
"Yeah."
Nikaido knows he won't let it drop until he gets an answer. Would Nikaido kiss some random girl to keep Senga with him?
"Yes."
Senga narrows his eyes. "How about, like, a fifty-year-old guy?"
"...yes." Not that Nikaido really wants to think about that.
"What would you let him do to you? If I said I'd refuse to see you again if you didn't? Anything?"
Nikaido closes his eyes, distinctly uncomfortable with this line of questioning. "Maybe. Yes."
He opens his eyes again when Senga says nothing more, and Senga is staring.
"I don't get you," he says, finally. "I mean that much to you?"
"I keep telling you that you do," Nikaido argues. "Because I love you."
"So you just let me do what I want, or you just do what you think I want, but it's not what you want?"
"It is what I want," Nikaido says. "I want what you want. Isn't that enough?"
"Is it?"
Nikaido doesn't have an answer.
Senga seems okay for a few days, but it doesn't last. He pulls away, panting, as soon as Nikaido reaches for his pants.
"Don't."
"I want to," Nikaido insists. And he does want to; he wants to make Senga feel wonderful. "Please, let me?"
"...okay," Senga whispers, and buries his face in Nikaido's chest.
He feels different than Nikaido, but similar enough, and Nikaido focuses carefully on Senga's reactions, trying to memorize how he likes to be touched. His heart beats faster as Senga trembles in his arms, shaking and gasping for air, and Nikaido moves his hand faster to match. Senga chokes out his name in warning, but Nikaido just keeps going, loving the way Senga falls apart in front of him, so beautiful that Nikaido would do anything to see it over and over again.
Senga brushes his fingers across Nikaido's abdomen as his breathing slows.
"Can you just... not?" he asks quietly.
Nikaido wishes he could say that he can't, maybe it would be easier that way, but it would be a lie. "No, I can," he admits.
"But not with me," Senga says, sounding sad.
"Not with anyone," Nikaido clarifies. "Or, I mean." He stops, not sure how to explain.
"But you get yourself off?"
Senga closes his eyes, which makes it less awkward to answer his questions, at least. "Um. Yeah."
"What do you think of?"
"Huh?"
"When you do it," Senga explains. "What do you think of? Or who, maybe. Like, a girl? Some actress? A sempai even? Something like that."
Nikaido figures that maybe that's the problem. "I don't think of anything at all."
"Nothing?" Senga opens his eyes to peer up at him.
"It just feels good," Nikaido says, and he can feel himself blushing.
Senga shifts up so that they're level. "So... would it feel good if I touched you?"
"Um." Nikaido has never thought of it like that before. "Probably, yes."
"Can I try it, then?"
Nikaido hesitates. He's got some experience, entirely with girls, but they've always been thrilled to have a guy pay more attention to their needs than the guy's own, and no one has ever questioned the fact that he doesn't get off on it. He's never really done this with anyone before.
But this is Senga. "Okay," he allows, and tries not to squirm when Senga goes straight for his waistband.
He bites his lip as Senga's fingers wrap around him, and it's so totally different, having someone else touch him like this. Different, but still nice, and he grows hard in Senga's hand faster than when he touches himself. Because Senga really wants to make him feel good, really loves him, and knowing that makes Nikaido feel relaxed and happy and content.
"So you can," Senga says, and Nikaido can hear the smugness in his voice.
"I told you I could," he says, and he's finding it a bit harder to breathe.
Senga explores a bit, just like Nikaido would, clearly trying to figure out how best to drive Nikaido crazy, and Nikaido focuses on the feel of his fingers on his skin, not always moving the way he expects them to, and finds himself getting close.
"Kenpi," he manages. "Just..." He swallows and tries to remember to keep breathing. Senga doesn't make matters much better, because he leans down to kiss Nikaido right then. Nikaido can't focus much on kissing back, but Senga doesn't seem to mind.
"Come on," he whispers.
Nikaido grabs onto his shoulder and squeezes tight. "Yeah." He opens his eyes for a second to see Senga watching carefully, but it's too late to be embarrassed, and Nikaido closes his eyes again as the rush of orgasm sweeps through him.
When he opens his eyes again, Senga looks just as awed as that very first time Nikaido kissed him. Nikaido laughs softly. "You're not going to cry on me, are you?"
Senga grins, although it's watery. "I won't."
He laughs when Nikaido pulls him close to hug him, not at all caring about the mess.
"So you can actually enjoy sex," Senga says, smirking.
Nikaido glares at him over his toothbrush. "Ah nebah seh ah in," he says, and then repeats it sans toothbrush when Senga tilts his head. "I said I never said I couldn't."
Senga tilts his head the other way and Nikaido whacks him lightly. "Stop that."
"Sorry, sorry." He waits until Nikaido is done washing up and then trails him back to his bedroom, tucking himself into Nikaido's futon while Nikaido pulls off his sweats and tank top.
Nikaido slides in next to him, enjoying the feel of the sheets against his skin and Senga warm all along his side. He rolls so that he can throw an arm across Senga's chest and pull him closer.
"Hey," he says.
"Hey." Senga smiles.
"I'm sorry I'm not... like you," Nikaido starts.
"It's okay," Senga says, cutting him off before he can ask his question and leaning over to kiss him lightly. "It's okay, just like this."
Nikaido has his answer.