(no subject)
I left wisconsin looking for something. that extra necissary componant of interest that my life was severely lacking. down here there's rarely a dull moment, weeks are so full they feel like months most of the time. what i supose i forgot about life is that terrible balance that more times than not will tilt toward pain and unhappiness. despite the throngs of people around me, i'm more alone than i've ever felt in my life. and you can all call me an idiot, i can call myself an idiot until the cows come home (and sometimes they dont come home) but that doesnt change anything. i let my guard down, and as i always thought it would i got nothing from it but pain. but heres the thing. i never consciously did anything to allow the pain inito my life, and that terrifies me, because i realize that this can and will happen again. as much as i try to deny it, i have feelings and its nothing i can controle. maybe if i had been straight forward from the beginning i wouldnt be here, or maybe it would be worse. really it doesnt even matter, because its too late. i've only got a month here, and even if i got some christmas miricle it wouldnt change me leaving. life isn't a movie, and there will never be a happy ending.