(no subject)
Tonight i've had a lot of time to think. my parents, at times, can be entirely too kind to me. they're investing so much in the idea that i'm this brilliant student, a gifted litterary mind, and sometimes it feels like they place all their hope for the future on me. which, is not bad by any means, it is every parents wish that their children will bring them honor ( sorry to go all mulan on you) but i feel like they're investing in a lost cause.
my father would buy me the world if he had the money, he'd send me to harvard to ithica, hell to europe and pay for room, board, and a round of drinks for my buddies and me if he could. i know they feel guilty that they aren't paying in full for my schooling. ever since i was little all either of them wanted for me was a better life than i could find stuck in deforest without a degree, but it doesnt make me feel any better when they try to help me. i feel that much worse when they look at me with admiration and pride to buy my summer school books and fix my computer, because its their duty to help me with school whenever possible.
of course now when i feel more lost and hopeless than ever do they let me see how much they believe in me and want me to succeed. the fates love to play games dont they? I love that they want to help me, i do, and god knows i need help, but i feel so shameful that this great college education they're putting so much stock in.... is really jusy me putting off getting thrown into the real world. its not that i dont desperately want to succeed. i do.. every semester i start out so hopeful, i want to do well, i want to be the best, and seriously if i could self motivate and act on ambition i could have taken the world over by now.
its all there. i could be great. i lack follow through, i lack commitment, and i exude lazyness. but i could be really great. that makes it much more of a blow when every single time... things dont work out, i screw soemthing up, or i just in a word.. fail.. faliure afte failure after failure.. it eats away at me, but i wouldnt do anything differnt, i know that if i went back, i'd stil sleep through class, i'd still half ass my studying attempts.
for years i've been trying to figure out my niche.. that one thing that i'm just good at. MY thing, the thing people come to ME for, what sets me apart. i thought i'd have found it by now. how am i going to take over the world when i still havent found my purpose.
i was thinking tonight about my literary heroes. those fictional characters that i have similarities with, that for some reason i feel a connection to. Caddy Compson from the sound and the Fury, Scarlette Ohara goen with the wind, semi tragic heroineswho in the end.. stand alone.
life isnt bad tho. its very calm right now, considering i hardly work. sleepy summer days just have a way of letting my mind linger on things i'd rather it didnt, like the F in finance that kept me at JUST BELOW good standing, or the fact i started this week with over 500 dollars, paid off two credit cards, got my computer fixed, and not have... nothing again... but wait! parents to the rescue paid for my summer school books and my computer when they dont have the means for it, and now i just feel guilt bouncing around my brain until it breaks something.
i dont hate my job. i hate going to it, i love leaving it, but when i'm there i dont hate my job. i'm at that stage where i know what i'm doing, and damn anyone who tried to tell me otherhwise ( i e accounting forgetting to add my 10 dollars in quarters, or trainees whose mistakes i have to fix and be accountible for) i like that its fast paced, and i like that i have enough confidence in it to do well and not be afraid to ask people for help. i got a 5 dollar tip the other day. plus i keep getting to do things for free. i got to try out the new 4d theater, and i get in free to dells ducks and jet boat rides. people treat me like a princess when they find out i'm front desk at kalahari, and we all know i love power.
hopefully sumemr went get to stressful once the season really starts, and i have stats to fret about... oh by the way i need at least a BC in stats... pray for me....
my father would buy me the world if he had the money, he'd send me to harvard to ithica, hell to europe and pay for room, board, and a round of drinks for my buddies and me if he could. i know they feel guilty that they aren't paying in full for my schooling. ever since i was little all either of them wanted for me was a better life than i could find stuck in deforest without a degree, but it doesnt make me feel any better when they try to help me. i feel that much worse when they look at me with admiration and pride to buy my summer school books and fix my computer, because its their duty to help me with school whenever possible.
of course now when i feel more lost and hopeless than ever do they let me see how much they believe in me and want me to succeed. the fates love to play games dont they? I love that they want to help me, i do, and god knows i need help, but i feel so shameful that this great college education they're putting so much stock in.... is really jusy me putting off getting thrown into the real world. its not that i dont desperately want to succeed. i do.. every semester i start out so hopeful, i want to do well, i want to be the best, and seriously if i could self motivate and act on ambition i could have taken the world over by now.
its all there. i could be great. i lack follow through, i lack commitment, and i exude lazyness. but i could be really great. that makes it much more of a blow when every single time... things dont work out, i screw soemthing up, or i just in a word.. fail.. faliure afte failure after failure.. it eats away at me, but i wouldnt do anything differnt, i know that if i went back, i'd stil sleep through class, i'd still half ass my studying attempts.
for years i've been trying to figure out my niche.. that one thing that i'm just good at. MY thing, the thing people come to ME for, what sets me apart. i thought i'd have found it by now. how am i going to take over the world when i still havent found my purpose.
i was thinking tonight about my literary heroes. those fictional characters that i have similarities with, that for some reason i feel a connection to. Caddy Compson from the sound and the Fury, Scarlette Ohara goen with the wind, semi tragic heroineswho in the end.. stand alone.
life isnt bad tho. its very calm right now, considering i hardly work. sleepy summer days just have a way of letting my mind linger on things i'd rather it didnt, like the F in finance that kept me at JUST BELOW good standing, or the fact i started this week with over 500 dollars, paid off two credit cards, got my computer fixed, and not have... nothing again... but wait! parents to the rescue paid for my summer school books and my computer when they dont have the means for it, and now i just feel guilt bouncing around my brain until it breaks something.
i dont hate my job. i hate going to it, i love leaving it, but when i'm there i dont hate my job. i'm at that stage where i know what i'm doing, and damn anyone who tried to tell me otherhwise ( i e accounting forgetting to add my 10 dollars in quarters, or trainees whose mistakes i have to fix and be accountible for) i like that its fast paced, and i like that i have enough confidence in it to do well and not be afraid to ask people for help. i got a 5 dollar tip the other day. plus i keep getting to do things for free. i got to try out the new 4d theater, and i get in free to dells ducks and jet boat rides. people treat me like a princess when they find out i'm front desk at kalahari, and we all know i love power.
hopefully sumemr went get to stressful once the season really starts, and i have stats to fret about... oh by the way i need at least a BC in stats... pray for me....