(no subject)
i've been thinking to much lately. when my life becomes dull, i think, i analyze, i try and ut energy into things in vain hope of something catching my fancy long enough to put some sort of meaning into sunshine. i'm always tired but never sleepy... today all i've wanted to do since i woke up was go back to bed, but no, and i'm so week and listless that i cant do anything productive ( other than waste time adventuring recklessly into a snow storm) i dont know what happened to me that all of a sudden i dont feel free. i've always felt guilt from ties that i put so much meaning into that i dont feel free to follow my heart, but lately.. every day it gets worse, this feeling of being trapped, and now its keeps me awake. everything keeps me awake, my mind wont shut up, my family, my friends, my responsibilities, what i'm neglecting, what i want, what i wish, why i wont have it, worrying that i might be sick, scared for myself, scared for the world, wondering what this year will bring, wondering when, why, what then. its a battle now between me and sleep, its as if i am scared to go to bed. i have nothing else to do tho.