saturday, 4/1/23
more thoughts on yesterday.
i was shaking with rage when we arrived.
time seemed to pass strangely- like slowed down and sped up by turns. i kept losing time. felt like a movie.
i couldn't process instructions very well, i felt like susan's 17 year old dog, who i see walking around the house sometimes, getting to a wall and then not knowing what to do next, like a wind up toy.
the pastor and susan directed me where to sit and i couldn't tell if i was doing it right or not.
when i sat down i felt susan sit down really close to me, and i felt like there wasn't enough air in the room.
then i noticed no one else was sitting down except for the two of us. but i was not standing up.
mom had asked for there not to be singing until the end, but they did anyway.
we did not open our mouths.
the hymn seemed to have a hundred verses, and somehow at the same time when the pastor said my name it seemed rushed and too early.
i at the last minute remembered i needed my other glasses and the sound of the case opening sounded deafening to my ears.
i stood up and walked up the carpeted steps. i moved toward the pastor's lectern but he indicated i should go to the opposite side. there was a small round table in the middle of the stage in my way. sometimes they will put ashes or a picture on it, but mom did not want that so there was just a vase of flowers on it. nothing else. but i found myself unable to even brush that table. something not ok would happen if i touched it. it was just a table. i almost fell off the steps trying to skirt it.
i am a public speaker. i do it often and i like doing it. i did not look up. i opened the folder and took the paper out, and it seemed to take way too long. the silence was pushing at my face from the congregation. i never saw a single face; i could have been speaking to an empty room. i only looked at the paper.
there was an unfamiliar passage on the program. susan and i looked at each other confused.
i heard susan's eulogy and one story from the pastor. other than that i heard nothing.
i didn't realize i needed to lead people out, that they were waiting for me as soon as the last hymn began. i wasn't ready and had all of this stuff scattered. i felt panicked trying to gather it, that everyone was waiting for me, looking at me.
in the reception area mom had me stand with her. susan needed to move around. that part was ok. people seemed to need to tell me what a good job i did. i let them do what they needed to do. they kept saying how brave i was, how strong i was. i wanted to explain that it's easy to talk when you aren't really there. but i didn't think that would be the right time to say it. i gave up and just agreed with them.
the whole thing was blurry and surreal. i looked at the refreshments table and they were taking everything away. i hadn't even walked over to it yet. it didn't matter.
we took the box containing dad's ashes to the church memorial garden. about ten family and friends came with us. susan had decided the best place was under a tree in the corner, because if he were out in the yard doing something he would have found a tree like that to pee on. there was also a weird little egg on the ground there, with two black dots that looked like little eyes looking out. there were no tools, and we just had a plastic bag with the ashes and plastic cups from the reception. that was really, really weird. susan didn't want them to blow around so she found a stick and dug a hole. she moved the dirt on top of the ashes. i remember thinking the egg should be on top as a lookout. right after i had that thought susan did just that. she kept some of them back to scatter over his parents' graves.... i think.
then fifteen of us went to lunch on the river. i saw the crab legs on the menu and dad told me to order it. not even kidding. every piece came out of the shell exactly the way he taught me to, perfectly.
it started to rain as we were about to leave and suddenly i doubled over in pain and had to run to the bathroom. i guess i was going to eat like him and also shit like him.
when i came back out it had mostly stopped but my hair was whipping around in the wind coming off the Cape Fear. it felt honestly like a caress.
an hour after we got home we all could feel the intensity of exhaustion. i had never felt that kind of physical exhaustion coming completely from emotional stress before.