monday, march 27, 2023
i almost didn't do it.
i pushed open the door and stepped inside, with my gaze firmly fixed on the floor. i had to do this in very small steps. and when i say i had to, i mean that i didn't seem capable of doing anything but. slowly i lifted my head. he was all the way across the room, on a gurney, blue sheet pulled up to his neck, arms folded under the sheet. i started to shake my head. but then stopped. i tried to move but at first nothing happened. then i was able to take one single step. and had to wait again. took a deep breath and found myself suddenly on the other side of the room. i slowly reached out my hand and with the lightest touch, laid it on his sheet covered arm. i could feel myself trembling. my face was wet but i didn't remember crying.
the room was so quiet and he looked so peaceful. i realized jarringly that i had not seen him look so at peace, maybe even ever. he was so beautiful, and it was so easy to believe he was sleeping. and happy. he looked happy. the peace was overwhelming. i found myself lightly just stroking his arm, and then the top of his hair. so lightly. like a feather. over and over, like a rosary. i don't remember all of what i said. i love you. i love you. i don't even need to say anything. you know. you know already. you raised me well. you did a good job. good job, His good and faithful servant. i love you. goodbye.
his cheek was so cold to my lips, but i had been prepared for that. and now that i was here i had difficulty moving away. this would be the last moment. i turned and walked away as quickly as i could. i could feel, physically feel, the pull to stay. like moving through taffy.
i almost didn't do it. but there was so much peace. it was a gift.