[You asked for it. He's silent for a few moments before he turns a filter on. Eridan lets out a sigh before he looks to the screen looking just defeated]
It's just... I'we been an unrelentin' fuck up recently, been causin' more drama than I should and bein' a all around fuckin' waste a time. I'we got Kar pissed at me, I'we got Wat and Gam pissed too. They hawe ewery right to be really, with how fuckin' terrible I'we been. I'we just been a worthless moirail and I wanna make up for it, but I'm afraid I won't be able to fuckin' do it.
[Frustratingly rubbing at his eyes now.]
I always make mistakes and ruin shit sooner or later, I mean fuck, I'm surprised Kar is still ewen with my sorry ass.
[Oh he sees that face and is rather surprised by it to be honest. Because, what John not being all derpy and adorable? Still adorable but in a whole different sense.]
[But John? See ERIDAN'S face? Yeah, you made him all but fucking wibbly here with what you said, because goddamnit it feels nice to be told this. Even when he's in a stint of self hatred, Karkat just tells him more or less to shut up and doesn't really offer kind words like John has.]
Jo... I--You don't understand. Kar said this is my last fuckin' chance. If I fuck up after this... He'll--
[God he doesn't want to say it, color him over dramatic but Eridan doesn't know if he can really handle another break up. Especially considering his feelings for Karkat aren't entirely pale.]
I'm... I'm gonna try and make things right, don't think I'm not--but I don't know if I can trust myself to not fuck up along the way...
... I hope you're right, I don't think I could handle another one...
[It is now obvious that John doesn't know the full details of this. He's silent and contemplating--he's already said this much so...]
Well, it isn't exactly that simple. I mean, me talkin' shit had somethin' to do with it, but it also had a lot to do with who I was talkin' about, and how they're both wery dangerous to piss off. I mean, what you said, yeah absolutely, I do need to maybe slow down and think about what I'm gonna say before I just blather it to them... But Kar is mainly mad because I keep puttin' myself in harms way--ewen though I think I can handle myself
( ... )
[Eridan just listens, he doesn't add anything except nods and looks that were in likeness to kicked woofbeasts, because he knew this all, he knew Kar was doing this because he was worried, because he cared and yet Eridan time after time again just threw it all in his face. Wataru was absolutely right.]
No... You're not doin' a crappy job at all.
[Eridan just kind of shifts a bit, trying to decide if he wants to tell John or not. Other than talking to Karkat about it, he hadn't exactly opened up to anyone about what he had done before coming here... And well, what would John think of him if he spilled his guts and owned up to being a murderer? Sure, killing for trolls ain't no thang, but to humans it was different. And even with the trolls, he was catching hell for it--shit, he hated himself for it.]
[He sighs and lowers his head.]
Kar... Well--Before I came here Jo, I did somethin' pretty fucked up. Bad enough that Kar could hawe fuckin' murdered me, literally, and he'd a been justified in it.
No. He didn't forgiwe me, said that he newer can. I-- Jo, I'm sorry if this changes your opinion a me and as much as I don't want that to fuckin' happen I--Well I guess I feel you hawe a right to know.
[he shifts awkwardly, uncomfortably, he just doesn't want to say it, but honestly feels Jo should know... Jo is his friend and they're havaing a feelings talk after all...]
Before I came here, I murdered Fef and Kan. I dunno if you'we ewer met them, but... Yeah, that's definitely a thing I did...
[Eridan just looks sad. So John knew Kanaya, but not Feferi... How do you tell your friend that you murdered the girl you're in love with? How? You didn't, you just--thinking about it was enough to make Eridan feel pretty sick, like something stabbed him in the stomach and was twisting it into a painful knot.]
I don't plan on killin' anyone ewer again--I had reasons for what I did, ewen if they don't exactly justify it... I wish more were like you John, so understandin'. Near eweryone else holds it against me, I mean how can I really fuckin' blame 'em? But it makes things difficult, especially when it's thrown in my face. I know what I did, I know it was wrong, I know it makes me horrible and despicable--which were traits I used to hold with high regard, but now? Not so much...
[He sighs. It's nice to vent this crap, even more so that John was understanding. As much as he did need Karkat yelling at him and telling him how wrong it was of him, it was also nice to be able to talk about it without being entirely judged, especially when
( ... )
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...Yeah I guess. [Sorry John, but Eridan is just not his usual self today. He's pretty down in the dumps.]
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[He doesn't wanna burden you John. :/]
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It's just... I'we been an unrelentin' fuck up recently, been causin' more drama than I should and bein' a all around fuckin' waste a time. I'we got Kar pissed at me, I'we got Wat and Gam pissed too. They hawe ewery right to be really, with how fuckin' terrible I'we been. I'we just been a worthless moirail and I wanna make up for it, but I'm afraid I won't be able to fuckin' do it.
[Frustratingly rubbing at his eyes now.]
I always make mistakes and ruin shit sooner or later, I mean fuck, I'm surprised Kar is still ewen with my sorry ass.
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[But John? See ERIDAN'S face? Yeah, you made him all but fucking wibbly here with what you said, because goddamnit it feels nice to be told this. Even when he's in a stint of self hatred, Karkat just tells him more or less to shut up and doesn't really offer kind words like John has.]
Jo... I--You don't understand. Kar said this is my last fuckin' chance. If I fuck up after this... He'll--
[God he doesn't want to say it, color him over dramatic but Eridan doesn't know if he can really handle another break up. Especially considering his feelings for Karkat aren't entirely pale.]
I'm... I'm gonna try and make things right, don't think I'm not--but I don't know if I can trust myself to not fuck up along the way...
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[It is now obvious that John doesn't know the full details of this. He's silent and contemplating--he's already said this much so...]
Well, it isn't exactly that simple. I mean, me talkin' shit had somethin' to do with it, but it also had a lot to do with who I was talkin' about, and how they're both wery dangerous to piss off. I mean, what you said, yeah absolutely, I do need to maybe slow down and think about what I'm gonna say before I just blather it to them... But Kar is mainly mad because I keep puttin' myself in harms way--ewen though I think I can handle myself ( ... )
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No... You're not doin' a crappy job at all.
[Eridan just kind of shifts a bit, trying to decide if he wants to tell John or not. Other than talking to Karkat about it, he hadn't exactly opened up to anyone about what he had done before coming here... And well, what would John think of him if he spilled his guts and owned up to being a murderer? Sure, killing for trolls ain't no thang, but to humans it was different. And even with the trolls, he was catching hell for it--shit, he hated himself for it.]
[He sighs and lowers his head.]
Kar... Well--Before I came here Jo, I did somethin' pretty fucked up. Bad enough that Kar could hawe fuckin' murdered me, literally, and he'd a been justified in it.
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[he shifts awkwardly, uncomfortably, he just doesn't want to say it, but honestly feels Jo should know... Jo is his friend and they're havaing a feelings talk after all...]
Before I came here, I murdered Fef and Kan. I dunno if you'we ewer met them, but... Yeah, that's definitely a thing I did...
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I don't plan on killin' anyone ewer again--I had reasons for what I did, ewen if they don't exactly justify it... I wish more were like you John, so understandin'. Near eweryone else holds it against me, I mean how can I really fuckin' blame 'em? But it makes things difficult, especially when it's thrown in my face. I know what I did, I know it was wrong, I know it makes me horrible and despicable--which were traits I used to hold with high regard, but now? Not so much...
[He sighs. It's nice to vent this crap, even more so that John was understanding. As much as he did need Karkat yelling at him and telling him how wrong it was of him, it was also nice to be able to talk about it without being entirely judged, especially when ( ... )
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