Apologies
I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…
I am honestly so sorry, and it’s been eating me alive for what could be years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, or seconds. I don’t mean to bring drama, I’m not trying to change what I’ve done, I just want to tell you that I love you, and that whatever I’ve done is unfair. You shouldn’t be a victim of my instability, and that’s why I’m apologizing (maybe far too belated) because I know I never apologized to you really from the bottom of my heart. You touched my life, and made me who I am today - good or bad - and it means so much that in some way, at some time or another you were there for me and taught me something. I feel so bad that in return I didn’t give you the love and respect you deserve, and I’m sorry if it caused us to drift apart or dislike one another. I don’t expect you to accept this apology, I just want to make sure you know that I think about you still, and that it stills hurts me.
There’s no order, I used no names, some are more specific than others, if you think you should be here, then you probably are.
1. I judged you right off the bat as someone I didn’t want to talk to, I tried to avoid having conversations with you but then by default you and I were paired up. Then I realized what a wonderful person you are, and to this day your opinion is so important to me. You’re an amazing person, when I was in a mess you helped me out and made me laugh. I really don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have someone to talk through my problems like you.
2. We used to be so close, and we don’t even going to the same school let alone live in the same state! It’s funny how to complete opposites got along so well, and it’s not so funny to remember how huge our fights were. You were there for me in my hardest times, and you also introduced me to what became one of the most important [constructive] things in my life, writing. When I read your LJ the other week I felt so bad because for so long I have totally neglected talking to you. You do such wonderful random acts of kindness, like when you tell everyone goodnight, even if you haven’t talked to them in a year.
3. Sometimes when I think about what was once important to me, I’m still really confused about how you and I got to be friends. I’m so glad we are now, but I can remember not liking you at all and now I can’t really imagine my life without you. You make me laugh so hard sometimes when you just go on, I don’t know how I could have ever not loved you! I can’t wait until we graduate, because I know we’ll still be friends and you’re one of those people who makes an effort to stay in a person’s life.
4. I think Algebra (hard) was the first place we met, Mr. Wilbur’s class. Yeah, I was in his class for a whole month or so before I realized that I not only hated math, but I was horrible at trying to figure out where x was. We didn’t start off so well, it was more a silence than any actual issue between us. To think we ended up having 3 classes together throughout the day, they were so much fun. We had our little groups in every class, and I’m so glad you enforced your disruptive corruption ☺ I don’t think I would have ever survived in high school without those “mad skillz”.
5. Our friendship took a very, very long time to develop. You didn’t like me, then I didn’t like you, then it was my friends, then it was about your friends, then it just got a little crazy and weird. Actually, I can’t even describe it. I had English with you, and I was so happy when you admitted I wasn’t “just stupid”. Well, I’m sorry that you and I have drifted apart. If I could, I’d still let you swim in my pool with my mom lol. I’m sorry I abandoned you, I feel so superficial for lifting you out of my life like I did.
6. I would have to say we have the strangest friendship ever. I can’t even begin to count the memories we have, 8 years of memories really does add up. I’m really sorry that when we were kids I was such a spoiled brat, and I’m so sorry that I made you play Now & Then every day after school. When I first met you, you were so loud, and I was so quiet. Funny, it’s kind of changed hasn’t it? 8 years later and we ended up at the same high school, and we had an awesome party. I love you, and even if we don’t talk every day, when you’re feeling down I’ll always be there to listen, and if you’re ever moving, I’ll probably be there a year later.
7. We’re not so much friends, just people who have very similar opinions. I really didn’t like you when I first knew you, and admittedly I didn’t like you for a long time after that. I felt like everything was unnecessary drama, and when you hurt some of my friends, I really resented you. Last year when I was going through what would best be described as a “phase”, I was really pretty much on my own. There was nothing to stand up for, and even though I still say it doesn’t hurt so bad when people say what they do, it meant a lot that you admired me for trying my best not to care. That didn’t bring us together, but it made me want to tell you where I had been and about what kind of things I had been though. Then, it made me really respect you, just because it was hard didn’t mean it was impossible.
8. I really do remember the first time we talked, I was so afraid to talk to you. It really took us a long time to talk again, but we share so many common interests about SCIENCE that I can’t believe we didn’t atomically bond right away lol. I loved how you would get some grade, then grumble, then distract me so I wouldn’t do my work either. It was so much fun hiding food behind text books, or watching movies and writing our boyfriends notes then frantically copying the smart people’s answers. Then we stopped talking for a while, and when we did start talking about a boy, I didn’t know what to think. I felt like I had to choose between you and another friend, so I made no choice and I wish I had done more to clear up “the problem” because it’s still going on today. I remember when you invited me over and we had some Bomb-assed Italian, oh boy was Roberto hot lol. I distinctly remember getting kicked out of your house, then you being grounded, then you being allowed out 15 minutes later. I remember sitting with my head in the toilet drinking raspberry flavored water and watching you on the verge of tears. You know, that’s when I really knew that you weren’t a liar, and that you weren’t the kind of person I had been told you were. That night was so long ago, and it was one of the fucking craziest things ever. Well, not as crazy as our “Thanksgiving”, along with our happy little drug drawings on Clinton’s walls. Oh and the popcorn was so funny, Oh oops! More alcohol for you? Yes pleaseeeeee! I still have a picture of you, me n Matt with that huge bong blazed beyond blazed and every time I look at it I seriously start cracking up. Whatever you do in your life, whether you’re finding God, or finding Pleasuretown - I’m not mad at what you do, ever. It means so much that you sit and try to help me with my problems, and even though my advice isn’t exactly great all the time, I always want to be there to lighten your sad/bad mood. I love you sweetie.
9. I think I was very irrational and very immature when I said the things about you that I did. I didn’t understand why things were so rough between us, so I just got angry about it and blew it up. When we were friends we had a good time together, I remember a lot of really bad cooking, mostly from me. But I have to say, you kind of got me hooked on Full House and I totally resent you for that, because I don’t think the 90s will ever go away haha.
10. I think I mentally nicknamed you “The Corruptor”. Yeah, dead giveaway right there haha. It’s your fault!! But it was good, oh it was good so many times lol. The first time you stayed over I was freaking out, I was always so intimidating of you because you really ARE so pretty. Whatever, stop denying it, but it’s coming from someone who doesn’t talk to anymore, so why would I lie? Yeah I’m sorry you slept on my floor, I offered the bed but you were being humble like usual and I didn’t want to talk to you because I had a huge zit. I wish we had been better friends by the next morning, because I popped it and it was something you would have appreciated lol. We did so much bad shit together, and we really did make a good little innocent team. I remember outside smoking on my patio with two of our friends and at least three of us being too stoned to even CARE where the last bag of chron was. Luckily, my parents found it for us lol. So I can remember many nights of fun, but I happen to remember a certain house, a certain toilet, a certain very long flight of stairs and some very weird weed. I also remember throwing up French fries out my nose and you saying, ”Okay, I have to pee… so move. EW WAIT UNTIL I GET OUT OF HERE!!!!” Then you fell asleep in the driveway when I was working so hard to stay awake! Oh man, the guy peeing in the printer was so great, just being around was so weird. But that really was pretty grate. How about at an apartment way the hell out in some ghetto? I remember the stairs: ”Uhh if I get in the car I think… I think… BLuuhhh.. I THINK I’LL PUKE.” So we stayed the night there, one as the expert at strip poker, and the other one who had to change her shirt. I have to admit lol, that was a sexy jacket on you. I really miss our badness, out in Guadalupe walking through the desert hung over and kind of clothed. Hm.. _ _ _ _ THE PIMP hahaha, that was great. And “You’re all sluts!!!!!!!” ahaha wow. Those were the good days - no, wait. Even better would be your idea to seduce someone into the bathroom… yeah wow ok.. This could go on forever haha, you freak. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you with everything going on in your life, I don’t know what you’re going through exactly, but I love you and I don’t know what I am… But anyone who has seen as much with you as I have is like some kind of weird-bonded sister.
11. You are probably one of the closest people to me, we’ve been friends for what, 3 years? A long time, that’s for sure. We’ve been through a lot together, and it’s just made our friendship so much better. Even when everyone else says they get what I’m saying, I know I can always tell you and you can explain it to me. I’m really sorry for being involved with people you were close with, and I’m even more sorry that I found out much later why it bothered you so much. Every time we talk I always remember how everything used to be, and it’s kind of nice to have nostalgia. You might say you’re always sad, but I hope that one day you’ll find something that will make you happy. I’m always going to be here for you, and I enjoy telling you what I honestly think, or giving you my two cents - because for so long you’ve done that for me.
12. I can’t believe the fight we got in lasted so long; I think we ended up not speaking to one another for over a year. Well, it’s good to know we’re both stubborn. I’m sorry for being a total hypocrite, I was just really scared when I heard about what had happened and I didn’t want you to do anything that would cause you harm. Way back when, you really made me happy when I lived in Oregon. That was a difficult time for me, but talking with you and having our random chat rooms were always so much fun. I mean now I can’t even go into chat rooms anymore, they’re just not nearly as fun without everyone acting like complete idiots.
13. I miss you so much, so, so, so, so, soooooooo much. We have never really had a fight, you were always so supportive of me, and I always wanted to be there for you. The life stories you told me from a long time ago mean a lot more to me now, and I really wish I could catch you sometime. You’d be so happy if you knew where I was today, and we really would have a lot to talk about again. I would protect you, and you would be there for me. I’m sorry I haven’t made a better effort to find you, but if you see this I hope you leave me a note sweetie.
14. Oh this is a significant number. You are probably one of the people that I am most sorry to, because I really fucked stuff up with us I think. I know we’ve already had our words, we made amends, but we didn’t fix anything. You and I had the best times; I still use the dumb things we did as reference to all the things people should do. Except for adding 4 cups of water to a batch of cookies… that I don’t think I want to ever do again. It’s funny, because I was thinking of you when I was thinking about how many friends I lost, and I had so much to write down. Now I don’t even know where to begin, there’s so much I’m sorry for because I lost something that was really, really important to me. For all those times I nagged at you, yeah I know, I mostly nagged when I felt like you weren’t trying hard enough or if I felt disappointed in you. It wasn’t my place, but you’re really not stupid, there’s so much you could do and I just wanted you to realize it. I think a lot of the time I would get angry with you was over things that really weren’t the problem. I love you, but I was so jealous of you. You were so much prettier than me, it always made me feel like I had something to work towards. You are such a spoiled brat, in a totally good way lol, because you got me started on being a spoiled brat and now my family is broke. Haha. Without you I don’t think I would’ve gotten into makeup as much as I have, and without makeup I would be really, really ugly. I learned a lot from you, though, such as not to use Retinol-A in mass amounts, that you needed to learn what “heal” meant, about fuck holes, Mamis, duets, that we really can’t sing, that my computer had a built in microphone that got horribly abused, that we’re both pretty weird and we had “special” taste in guys. We said we’d hang out, but you know, we never did. I don’t know, maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be that we leave things back there. Just a lot of times I end up thinking about you, and I wonder if you knew/know how much I honestly love you, you’re someone who I am never going to forget. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I ever could.
15. You called me snivvles, well you’re mean ☹ And plus, there’s no pornography on MY computer haha. You’re probably the last person who I would have ever thought I would get to be such good friends with. Not in a bad way, I just remember being so awkward at the Mills with you. But I have to say, we managed to bond pretty well over Spring Break and our many, many adventures with apples, cold medicine, every day at Rubio’s, the awesome Alex bus, rolling joints on the street, oh and I mean I could never forget those titty twisters lol. I think I have permanent damage from your friend coming over and beating me up ☹ He was so mean, and he was bathed in car grease! What about our two dirty little skater boys? Haha, oh my god that was the coolest thing ever when we got them all dressed up. “Wow, your floors are marble and there’s TWO FLOORS?!” Imagine if we let them loose up in Scottsdale hahaha. What about the P-town boys? 1 grilled cheese coming right up hahaha. Or what about chicken nuggets? Omg hahaha. I have to say that first night when we were lying in my bedroom was the trippiest thing ever. I couldn’t believe how huge our pupils were for two days after that, I felt like a freakin’ alien. I’m sorry that I ditched you, there will never be an excuse for doing that to you. UTMC & Dinosaur Island MUST live on, even if just in spirit. But let me just say, as Jack the Pumpkin King (who hasn’t searched for Christmas in a long, long time lol): “Ooooooooooo baby do you know whats worth? Oooooooooo heaven is a place on earth!!!” SMEAGOL GET OFF CALLIE! Hahaha. Or how about my 6 turkey sandwiches hehehe, and the awesome spring bread. And our diets, which kept getting set back every time we found a new apple. Especially since I then ate the apple. So many really crazy nights, and some of them I really can’t remember. Sorry that I made you walk alone to all your classes… snivvles had to drop out. Yeah, and eating your lunch was pretty damn fun every day, because then I went home. Or how about the time we almost got in the accident with the truck and I sat in the car and screamed at him lol. CALIFORNIA DRIVERS >:O Haha, you’re such a sweetheart <3 I love you mrawwwwwww.
16. We’re a lot a lot a lot alike, which is probably why we didn’t get a long so well. I’m really sorry for being a bitch; I can understand why you were angry at me for so long. I probably would’ve been angry if the same thing had happened to me. Even though I don’t think we’ve ever civilly hung out, reading what you have to say usually makes me snicker since we have the same sometimes sick confusing humor.
17. The whole situation with us is so weird, it got resolved, then shit got talked and I’m really sorry that I didn’t just go ask you if you had beef with me. What you do with your personal life is your business, I know, it’s just that I care so much and I’m sorry if I said things you didn’t want to hear, I just wanted you to know. When I saw you last it made me remember the first time I talked to, and you were the first person I talked to at Altadena. It’s really freaky thinking about how we were such bad kids in our… “music” class, such as the stomping song. I remember how it just got to the point where we gave up trying to “perform” and instead just did our “air guitar” version haha. Notice, the music sounded a lot better without us. Wilson split us up once, and then she realized that if we were together we would talk, then we would stop playing. God, she was so smart. That woman struck fear into my heart; she made me fear for my life. So we went to our high school orientation two years later and fell asleep after staying up all night laying in the middle of the road with a boy and looking at the sky. I remember so many times that I wrote in my journal after you told me something that had made you sad, I sat down so many times and wished the world that there was something I could do to make you happy again. I don’t think I ever did tell you, but there are so many private entries in here where I am so sad for you that words can’t describe. You are a wonderful person who really, really, really deserves everything beautiful that life can give, I’m sorry because I could never tell you that. I don’t think I could ever describe you to someone; I have really never met a person like you before. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, I feel so bad because I haven’t been there, and I haven’t known when you’ve needed someone to be there again at 4am. “And when the sky is starless…”
Yeah there will be more eventually. I'm just too emotional to keep draining right now.