Xiuris: Why Wu Fan Never Bottoms
Title: Why Wu Fan Never Bottoms
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Xiumin / Kris (bromance mostly), Taoris, XiuChen
Warnings: Really bad jokes and improper use of vegetables.
Genre: Crack crack crack CRACK
Disclaimer: I do not own EXO.
Kris doesn't know how he ended up like this - sprawled on the couch, legs tangled with Xiumin's, a beer in his hand as they stare at some dull chinese movie with vampires and kung fu and bad special effects. No one else is at the dorm, which is kind of understandable because they're in Korea and the guys want to spend as much time with friends as they can.
Tao is at dance practice with Kai, DBSK's Yunho and some SNSD girls, Chen is probably at a karaoke bar with D.O, Baekhyun and Suho (Kris can't understand how Chen manages being in a small space together with D.O and Suho since the two recently admitted their more than obvious feelings to each other and are now dating and extremely sappy and blushy and giggly, but he figures that's what Baek is there for).
Lu Han and Sehun are most likely somewhere just the two of them (Kris told Lu Han he's a pedophile to which Lu Han countered with some extremely vicious comments about Tao and the leader found himself being extremely supportive of the HunHan couple in less than fifteen minutes), and what comes to where Lay and Chanyeol are Kris has no idea.
Anyway, since he and Xiumin didn't have anything special to do, they decided to simply relax and have a beer or two. Which ended up being around six. Per person. So by ten in the evening they're both pretty drunk and discussing subjects they would never, EVER normally discuss.
Like their sex lives.
"Soo" Kris slurs, a lop-sided grin on his face, and wiggles his eyebrows at Xiumin. "How's it going with you and Chenchen?"
Xiumin cackles and raises his bottle in the air a little too excitedly, and it's good he had already drunk more than half of its original contents since otherwise there would have been beer on the couch and D.O would have killed them. "It's grrrrrreat!" Xiumin declares, looking extremely proud. "Jondgae is the best boyfriend everrr and he's so sexy you have nooooooo idea!"
Kris nods, very understanding. "Yes yes I believe you, Chenchen has veeeeeery nice thighs."
Xiumin stops and scowls at his leader suspisciously. "You" he starts "you haven't been checking out my boyfriend's thighs, have youuuu Krissie?"
Kris snorts and rolls his eyes. "Plllleeeeeeease" he drawls "I have no need to check out your boyfriend's thighs, since MY boyfriend's legs are longer and slimmer anyway. I'm telling you, dear Minseok" he waves a finger, clearly trying to make a point "Zi Tao's legs are DIVINE. They are a gift from the gods to tell me that if I'm a good leader, this is what I get. And I've been a veeeerrry good leader, haven't I?"
Xiumin nods, and raises his bottle. "Yes, very very good, now let's toast to divine legs and good sex!" And so they clink their bottles against each other and take swigs, and grin stupidly.
Suddenly, though, Xiumin gets all serious. "Hey, say, Kris" he starts, and even though Kris is pretty fucking drunk he can see that now his friend has something important to say. So he tries to concentrate. ...and gives up immediately. "Have you and Tao ever done it the... Other way round?"
Kris blinks. Twice. Other way round? Like, upside down? He doesn't understand. Xiumin seems to notice the lack of brain functioning, and lets out a frustrated sigh. "Have you ever taken it up your ass?"
Kris chokes on his own spit and almost falls off the couch. "What?" he exclaims, completely dumbfounded. "Seriously? I don't know which is more outrageous, me taking it or Zi Tao topping! Have you ever seen him? He was made to be fucked!"
Xiumin rolls his eyes. "Yes, Kris, I have seen him, I live with him." Kris' eyes narrow. "Wait. Why do you live with my boyfriend? I live with him!"
"We live in the same apartment. Can I continue?"
"Oh. Right. Sure."
"Thanks. Anyway, the thing is, we kind of had an... Annnn... What's the word? ARGUMENT, yes, an argument. Me and Jongdae. We had one."
Kris' eyes widen comically and Xiumin looks extremely delighted at the sight of his leader looking like his eyes are going to bulge out of his head. "Whhyyyyy?" Kris wails. "Why did you have... That. Why why WHY, you two were so great together!"
Xiumin frowns. "Fan, we're still together. Anyway, Chennie had an idea. And you can't beLIEVE what he suggested."
"Tell me, tell me!"
"He said that HE should top ME!"
Kris gasps. "NNOOOOOOOO! Really?"
Xiumin looks at him, eyes wide as he nods, completely serious. "YES. Can you believe? Me, taking it from him! The almighty me! That's like... Like... Like Zi Tao fucking you!"
"I already used that."
"Oh, right. Um. Sehun fucking Lu Han!"
"Sehun is fucking Lu Han."
"Shit. Baekhyun fucking Chanyeol?"
"OH MY GOD."
"I know right! UNNATURAL!"
They both fall silent for a moment because of the absurd thought of being on the bottom, and open their ninth bottles of beer.
"So..." Kris breaks the silence. "How did you guys'... Um... Argument end?"
Xiumin shrugs. "He said that clearly I don't love him if I'm not willing to let him top and some gibberish about equality and stuff and I shut him up and fucked him for an hour. After coming four times and getting roses and chocolate the next day he hasn't complained." They both grin.
Then, Kris' face falls. "Hey, you know, I just realized... Taozi's been acting a little strange lately. And I just realized that it started after he had this private chat with Chenchen. And I just realized that he's been kinda dominating after it, not that I complain, but I just realized- "
"If you say 'I just realized' one more time I'm going to kick you in the balls, duizhang or not."
"Please don't, anyway, it kinda makes sense now, you know, he must have talked about that with Jondgae and now he wants to top me! It's a conspicary against us!"
They stare at each other in awe after uncovering this devious plan, but unlike Xiumin who is about to declare a war against the bitches trying to plot against their boyfriends Kris looks horrified. "But Taozi wouldn't want to top me, I mean obviously I'm the best top ever so why would he want to, and he's been really sick and tired lately so- so- "
Xiumin waits, eyes wide as plates, gripping the bottle in his hands as his leader approaches a mind-blowing realization.
"So he's probably just wanted to top me so we could still go rough but he wouldn't get hurt more! Oh my god, he's just wanted to be more comfortable during sex but hasn't had the heart to ask me! My Tao is so considerate and kind and fucking shit Minseok I'm the worst boyfriend ever, now the gods will take Tao and his legs away from me!"
Xiumin isn't really sure how they got back to the gods, but he doesn't care because Kris looks like he's about to cry with the thought of wronging his younger lover, and being the considerate friend he is he lunges forward and falls on his stomach on top of Kris' mile long lower limbs.
Xiumin sets the bottle down on the floor and pats (more like repeatedly slaps) Kris' cheek comfortingly. "Duizhang, duizhang, it's not that horrible" he declares "you should just bring him flowers and kittens and rainbows and unicorns- "
"Unicorns don't exist though."
"Well, Yixing will do then, anyway, you need to show him you lllooooove him more than anything, even more than beer, and then you'll ask him to top you. And all will be well again!"
Kris frowns. "But I've never bottomed. He won't be able to fuck me properly, and then it'll be terrible, and he'll dump me because I'm bad in bed. And Minseok seriously I can't let him dump me I love him so so sssoo much and I want to marry him and have babies and- "
"Okay okay I'm not drunk enough for this, now let's get back to sex, because I have the perfect solution for you: you need to practice!"
Kris gapes. "Practice? Like, practice being a bottom? Take it up the ass?"
Xiumin nods happily. "Yeah. Exactly. Then you'll know what it feels like and you'll be awesome and Tao will never ever leave you. Just make sure you aren't too good or he'll never let you top again."
Kris falls deep in thought for a moment, and Xiumin uses the silence to poke his leader's chest and appreciate it. Finally the leader grins wide, and announces: "you know what, I think you're right. And I already figured who I should practice with."
"Well?"
"You."
Xiumin's jaw falls open as the leader smiles at him extremely stupidly. "What? Me?"
"Yep, you. I mean you came up with this plan, so you should help me with it. Now have some more beer and then let's get down to business."
Xiumin snorts. "You mean let's get down on you."
"Hey, don't rub it in my face okay? I'm just being a perfect boyfriend."
"Right. Okay." Xiumin downs the rest of his bottle on one go, and smirks at his leader. "Bedroom it is, then!"
Kris wakes up to the door slamming, and an angry "what the actual fuck". The first thing he realizes is that he has a pounding headache, and that his lower back hurts like hell. He groans and throws an arm around his boyfriend next to him, and props himself up with one elbow. "What the hell? Jongdae and Tao, what are- " then it hits him. If the clearly furious black-haired boy at the door is Tao, then who is...
"Fuck!" Kris exclaims as he kicks Xiumin off the bed, and there's an angry wail from the floor as the Korean is woken up brutally. "What the hell's going on?"
"I'd like to know the same thing" Chen asks, clearly furious, voice trembling like he's about to cry. But why would he be near to tears? It's not like falling off a bed could hurt Xiumin that much -
"Hey" Kris asks, slowly processing the things around him "why am I naked?" He peeks over the edge of the bed. "Why is Minseok naked?"
"That seems to be the question" Tao spits, arms folded tight on his chest, and Kris can't understand why he looks so pissed, it's not like he's never slept next to someone else when Tao is out.
"Oh my god" Xiumin whispers, clearly horrified, and Chen sobs. "Jongdae, please, I can explain this, really, we didn't- "
"If you didn't" Tao snarls, now hugging the shaking main vocalist, tears in his own eyes "then how do you explain this?" He gestures around the room, and Kris feels the memories rush in all at once as he takes in the scene of several open lube bottles on the floor, their clothes scattered everywhere, and weird white stains on the blanket.
Suddenly the ache on his lower back makes sense.
"No fucking way" he exclaims in horror, and turns to Xiumin "we didn't- did we- oh my god I can't remember anything my head hurts shit my ASS hurts!"
Tao frowns. "Your ass?"
Xiumin sighs, and rubs his temples. "Look, really, this... This isn't what it looks like. You see, last night when everyone else was out we stayed back. And we got a little... Tipsy."
"Shit-faced drunk judging by the amount of bottles on the livingroom floor" Chen growls from Tao's arms, and scowls at his soon-to-be-ex boyfriend.
Xiumin cringes. "Yeah. Okay. We got really drunk. And we started talking about... Stuff. About sex. And I told Kris about our little... Argument a while back, Jongie. And I remind you, we were really, really drunk. Well..." He swallows and glances at Kris, who is staring into nothingness with a traumatized expression on his face.
"Well. Kris came up with a theory of Tao being dominating lately because he wants to top, and then he reasoned this supposed want with Tao being sick and hurt and simply wanting to top Kris so they could still have sex but he wouldn't get hurt more. And he got really upset about being a bad boyfriend and stuff."
Tao and Chen look suspiscious, but the way the corner of Tao's mouth is twitching upwards is a clear sign of the rapper being slightly amused. Xiumin continues:
"Well, I, uhm... I offered my advice to him, and told him to shower you with gifts and rainbows and unicorns and other sparkly shit, and then ask you to top him. To which he answered with nonsense about Tao being unable to fuck him properly since he hasn't bottomed and would suck and you'd dump him. And, eh..."
Xiumin swallows again and sighs. "I might have told him to practice. And he might have decided he wanted to practice with me."
Tao and Chen's expressions turn to angry and hurt again. "So you guys did it" Tao grunts, clearly about to cry. Kris has hid his face in his hands, and Xiumin is pretty sure he'll start crying soon.
"Actually... We didn't."
Chen looks frustrated. "Then how do you explain being naked in the bed and all the lube and- and- "
"We didn't, I swear, I didn't fuck duizhang" Xiumin swears, pleads, his eyes wide and desperate. Kris peeks from between his fingers.
"I probably shouldn't say this, but... If you didn't fuck me, why does my ass hurt?"
It's Xiumin's turn to hide his face in his hands. "I didn't... I didn't stick my dick up your ass, okay?"
Tao archs an eyebrow as realization dawns on him, and he begins to look rather amused, while Kris pales. "If you didn't stick your dick in him, then what did you..?"
Kris looks absolutely horrified, and Xiumin lets out a weird whine as he points at an object lying two meters away from him.
Tao begins to shake with laughter, and slowly Chen asks: "Minseok, is that a cucumber?"
Chen and Tao's screaming laughter can't hide Kris' desperate wail.
A/N: Oh God Kris I am so so sorry for this fuck why did I agree on writing this oh god it's Salla's fault I'm telling you it's her fault not mine she manipulated me and jesus WU FAN I AM SORRY OKAY.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Xiumin / Kris (bromance mostly), Taoris, XiuChen
Warnings: Really bad jokes and improper use of vegetables.
Genre: Crack crack crack CRACK
Disclaimer: I do not own EXO.
Kris doesn't know how he ended up like this - sprawled on the couch, legs tangled with Xiumin's, a beer in his hand as they stare at some dull chinese movie with vampires and kung fu and bad special effects. No one else is at the dorm, which is kind of understandable because they're in Korea and the guys want to spend as much time with friends as they can.
Tao is at dance practice with Kai, DBSK's Yunho and some SNSD girls, Chen is probably at a karaoke bar with D.O, Baekhyun and Suho (Kris can't understand how Chen manages being in a small space together with D.O and Suho since the two recently admitted their more than obvious feelings to each other and are now dating and extremely sappy and blushy and giggly, but he figures that's what Baek is there for).
Lu Han and Sehun are most likely somewhere just the two of them (Kris told Lu Han he's a pedophile to which Lu Han countered with some extremely vicious comments about Tao and the leader found himself being extremely supportive of the HunHan couple in less than fifteen minutes), and what comes to where Lay and Chanyeol are Kris has no idea.
Anyway, since he and Xiumin didn't have anything special to do, they decided to simply relax and have a beer or two. Which ended up being around six. Per person. So by ten in the evening they're both pretty drunk and discussing subjects they would never, EVER normally discuss.
Like their sex lives.
"Soo" Kris slurs, a lop-sided grin on his face, and wiggles his eyebrows at Xiumin. "How's it going with you and Chenchen?"
Xiumin cackles and raises his bottle in the air a little too excitedly, and it's good he had already drunk more than half of its original contents since otherwise there would have been beer on the couch and D.O would have killed them. "It's grrrrrreat!" Xiumin declares, looking extremely proud. "Jondgae is the best boyfriend everrr and he's so sexy you have nooooooo idea!"
Kris nods, very understanding. "Yes yes I believe you, Chenchen has veeeeeery nice thighs."
Xiumin stops and scowls at his leader suspisciously. "You" he starts "you haven't been checking out my boyfriend's thighs, have youuuu Krissie?"
Kris snorts and rolls his eyes. "Plllleeeeeeease" he drawls "I have no need to check out your boyfriend's thighs, since MY boyfriend's legs are longer and slimmer anyway. I'm telling you, dear Minseok" he waves a finger, clearly trying to make a point "Zi Tao's legs are DIVINE. They are a gift from the gods to tell me that if I'm a good leader, this is what I get. And I've been a veeeerrry good leader, haven't I?"
Xiumin nods, and raises his bottle. "Yes, very very good, now let's toast to divine legs and good sex!" And so they clink their bottles against each other and take swigs, and grin stupidly.
Suddenly, though, Xiumin gets all serious. "Hey, say, Kris" he starts, and even though Kris is pretty fucking drunk he can see that now his friend has something important to say. So he tries to concentrate. ...and gives up immediately. "Have you and Tao ever done it the... Other way round?"
Kris blinks. Twice. Other way round? Like, upside down? He doesn't understand. Xiumin seems to notice the lack of brain functioning, and lets out a frustrated sigh. "Have you ever taken it up your ass?"
Kris chokes on his own spit and almost falls off the couch. "What?" he exclaims, completely dumbfounded. "Seriously? I don't know which is more outrageous, me taking it or Zi Tao topping! Have you ever seen him? He was made to be fucked!"
Xiumin rolls his eyes. "Yes, Kris, I have seen him, I live with him." Kris' eyes narrow. "Wait. Why do you live with my boyfriend? I live with him!"
"We live in the same apartment. Can I continue?"
"Oh. Right. Sure."
"Thanks. Anyway, the thing is, we kind of had an... Annnn... What's the word? ARGUMENT, yes, an argument. Me and Jongdae. We had one."
Kris' eyes widen comically and Xiumin looks extremely delighted at the sight of his leader looking like his eyes are going to bulge out of his head. "Whhyyyyy?" Kris wails. "Why did you have... That. Why why WHY, you two were so great together!"
Xiumin frowns. "Fan, we're still together. Anyway, Chennie had an idea. And you can't beLIEVE what he suggested."
"Tell me, tell me!"
"He said that HE should top ME!"
Kris gasps. "NNOOOOOOOO! Really?"
Xiumin looks at him, eyes wide as he nods, completely serious. "YES. Can you believe? Me, taking it from him! The almighty me! That's like... Like... Like Zi Tao fucking you!"
"I already used that."
"Oh, right. Um. Sehun fucking Lu Han!"
"Sehun is fucking Lu Han."
"Shit. Baekhyun fucking Chanyeol?"
"OH MY GOD."
"I know right! UNNATURAL!"
They both fall silent for a moment because of the absurd thought of being on the bottom, and open their ninth bottles of beer.
"So..." Kris breaks the silence. "How did you guys'... Um... Argument end?"
Xiumin shrugs. "He said that clearly I don't love him if I'm not willing to let him top and some gibberish about equality and stuff and I shut him up and fucked him for an hour. After coming four times and getting roses and chocolate the next day he hasn't complained." They both grin.
Then, Kris' face falls. "Hey, you know, I just realized... Taozi's been acting a little strange lately. And I just realized that it started after he had this private chat with Chenchen. And I just realized that he's been kinda dominating after it, not that I complain, but I just realized- "
"If you say 'I just realized' one more time I'm going to kick you in the balls, duizhang or not."
"Please don't, anyway, it kinda makes sense now, you know, he must have talked about that with Jondgae and now he wants to top me! It's a conspicary against us!"
They stare at each other in awe after uncovering this devious plan, but unlike Xiumin who is about to declare a war against the bitches trying to plot against their boyfriends Kris looks horrified. "But Taozi wouldn't want to top me, I mean obviously I'm the best top ever so why would he want to, and he's been really sick and tired lately so- so- "
Xiumin waits, eyes wide as plates, gripping the bottle in his hands as his leader approaches a mind-blowing realization.
"So he's probably just wanted to top me so we could still go rough but he wouldn't get hurt more! Oh my god, he's just wanted to be more comfortable during sex but hasn't had the heart to ask me! My Tao is so considerate and kind and fucking shit Minseok I'm the worst boyfriend ever, now the gods will take Tao and his legs away from me!"
Xiumin isn't really sure how they got back to the gods, but he doesn't care because Kris looks like he's about to cry with the thought of wronging his younger lover, and being the considerate friend he is he lunges forward and falls on his stomach on top of Kris' mile long lower limbs.
Xiumin sets the bottle down on the floor and pats (more like repeatedly slaps) Kris' cheek comfortingly. "Duizhang, duizhang, it's not that horrible" he declares "you should just bring him flowers and kittens and rainbows and unicorns- "
"Unicorns don't exist though."
"Well, Yixing will do then, anyway, you need to show him you lllooooove him more than anything, even more than beer, and then you'll ask him to top you. And all will be well again!"
Kris frowns. "But I've never bottomed. He won't be able to fuck me properly, and then it'll be terrible, and he'll dump me because I'm bad in bed. And Minseok seriously I can't let him dump me I love him so so sssoo much and I want to marry him and have babies and- "
"Okay okay I'm not drunk enough for this, now let's get back to sex, because I have the perfect solution for you: you need to practice!"
Kris gapes. "Practice? Like, practice being a bottom? Take it up the ass?"
Xiumin nods happily. "Yeah. Exactly. Then you'll know what it feels like and you'll be awesome and Tao will never ever leave you. Just make sure you aren't too good or he'll never let you top again."
Kris falls deep in thought for a moment, and Xiumin uses the silence to poke his leader's chest and appreciate it. Finally the leader grins wide, and announces: "you know what, I think you're right. And I already figured who I should practice with."
"Well?"
"You."
Xiumin's jaw falls open as the leader smiles at him extremely stupidly. "What? Me?"
"Yep, you. I mean you came up with this plan, so you should help me with it. Now have some more beer and then let's get down to business."
Xiumin snorts. "You mean let's get down on you."
"Hey, don't rub it in my face okay? I'm just being a perfect boyfriend."
"Right. Okay." Xiumin downs the rest of his bottle on one go, and smirks at his leader. "Bedroom it is, then!"
Kris wakes up to the door slamming, and an angry "what the actual fuck". The first thing he realizes is that he has a pounding headache, and that his lower back hurts like hell. He groans and throws an arm around his boyfriend next to him, and props himself up with one elbow. "What the hell? Jongdae and Tao, what are- " then it hits him. If the clearly furious black-haired boy at the door is Tao, then who is...
"Fuck!" Kris exclaims as he kicks Xiumin off the bed, and there's an angry wail from the floor as the Korean is woken up brutally. "What the hell's going on?"
"I'd like to know the same thing" Chen asks, clearly furious, voice trembling like he's about to cry. But why would he be near to tears? It's not like falling off a bed could hurt Xiumin that much -
"Hey" Kris asks, slowly processing the things around him "why am I naked?" He peeks over the edge of the bed. "Why is Minseok naked?"
"That seems to be the question" Tao spits, arms folded tight on his chest, and Kris can't understand why he looks so pissed, it's not like he's never slept next to someone else when Tao is out.
"Oh my god" Xiumin whispers, clearly horrified, and Chen sobs. "Jongdae, please, I can explain this, really, we didn't- "
"If you didn't" Tao snarls, now hugging the shaking main vocalist, tears in his own eyes "then how do you explain this?" He gestures around the room, and Kris feels the memories rush in all at once as he takes in the scene of several open lube bottles on the floor, their clothes scattered everywhere, and weird white stains on the blanket.
Suddenly the ache on his lower back makes sense.
"No fucking way" he exclaims in horror, and turns to Xiumin "we didn't- did we- oh my god I can't remember anything my head hurts shit my ASS hurts!"
Tao frowns. "Your ass?"
Xiumin sighs, and rubs his temples. "Look, really, this... This isn't what it looks like. You see, last night when everyone else was out we stayed back. And we got a little... Tipsy."
"Shit-faced drunk judging by the amount of bottles on the livingroom floor" Chen growls from Tao's arms, and scowls at his soon-to-be-ex boyfriend.
Xiumin cringes. "Yeah. Okay. We got really drunk. And we started talking about... Stuff. About sex. And I told Kris about our little... Argument a while back, Jongie. And I remind you, we were really, really drunk. Well..." He swallows and glances at Kris, who is staring into nothingness with a traumatized expression on his face.
"Well. Kris came up with a theory of Tao being dominating lately because he wants to top, and then he reasoned this supposed want with Tao being sick and hurt and simply wanting to top Kris so they could still have sex but he wouldn't get hurt more. And he got really upset about being a bad boyfriend and stuff."
Tao and Chen look suspiscious, but the way the corner of Tao's mouth is twitching upwards is a clear sign of the rapper being slightly amused. Xiumin continues:
"Well, I, uhm... I offered my advice to him, and told him to shower you with gifts and rainbows and unicorns and other sparkly shit, and then ask you to top him. To which he answered with nonsense about Tao being unable to fuck him properly since he hasn't bottomed and would suck and you'd dump him. And, eh..."
Xiumin swallows again and sighs. "I might have told him to practice. And he might have decided he wanted to practice with me."
Tao and Chen's expressions turn to angry and hurt again. "So you guys did it" Tao grunts, clearly about to cry. Kris has hid his face in his hands, and Xiumin is pretty sure he'll start crying soon.
"Actually... We didn't."
Chen looks frustrated. "Then how do you explain being naked in the bed and all the lube and- and- "
"We didn't, I swear, I didn't fuck duizhang" Xiumin swears, pleads, his eyes wide and desperate. Kris peeks from between his fingers.
"I probably shouldn't say this, but... If you didn't fuck me, why does my ass hurt?"
It's Xiumin's turn to hide his face in his hands. "I didn't... I didn't stick my dick up your ass, okay?"
Tao archs an eyebrow as realization dawns on him, and he begins to look rather amused, while Kris pales. "If you didn't stick your dick in him, then what did you..?"
Kris looks absolutely horrified, and Xiumin lets out a weird whine as he points at an object lying two meters away from him.
Tao begins to shake with laughter, and slowly Chen asks: "Minseok, is that a cucumber?"
Chen and Tao's screaming laughter can't hide Kris' desperate wail.
A/N: Oh God Kris I am so so sorry for this fuck why did I agree on writing this oh god it's Salla's fault I'm telling you it's her fault not mine she manipulated me and jesus WU FAN I AM SORRY OKAY.