When My Pupils Dilate

Apr 08, 2014 23:20


Title: When My Pupils Dilate
Author: yeolxing
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Chanyeol/Zitao
Length: 1300+
Summary: To Zitao it means so much more.
A/N: bc of the beautiful chantao moment; also i'm really bad at choosing titles

There’s always the feeling of accomplishment after a performance and it’s as powerful as ever now. It’s a wave of satisfaction and it’s enough to patch up self-inflicted wounds to Zitao’s confidence. His perception of himself - the image of self-doubt and wondering if he’s enough and if he ever will be, is what suffers under the harsh flashes of cameras at airports and fansigns, but not now. They’re still invading his moments and they’re still there, but Zitao doesn't look at them. It’s the feeling of being watched that gets to him, makes him feel like he doesn’t have a right to imperfection and making mistakes. And what he feels is what’s true.

But now he lets that go even if only for a while. He’s maybe slouching a bit and maybe his smile isn’t the perfect and practiced stage smile, but it’s real. It’s his own. It’s Huang Zitao’s smile that makes his eyes turn into crescents and the upturn of his lips is kittenish and maybe it’s not the most flattering smile, but it’s not supposed to be. It’s not EXO’s Tao’s smile. It doesn’t have to be, not right now.

Everyone’s laughing and talking about life, as if the stage doesn’t exist. Zitao’s quiet and listens intently and what he hears is the conversations of friends that have maybe lost touch because of busy schedules and his bandmates teasing each other and it’s comfortable enough to fall into.

Chanyeol’s waving at the audience and Zitao can’t find it in himself to feel surprised. He’s such a social creature. Zitao envies his ability to feel comfortable in his own skin without doubt of himself and without worry of what people think of him. Some people just have a natural ability to not be afraid of new things - be it other people or experiences. Zitao’s not like that, although sometimes he wishes he were.

What gets to him is that Chanyeol is so radiant when he smiles and there’s his slight dimple. It’s amazing to observe how someone can be so expressive and yet at the same time so difficult to understand. Zitao yearns to know Chanyeol’s secrets and Chanyeol is an enigma.

He’s so open and so accepting of new people into his life, but they barely ever reach his core, they barely ever discover what he’s all about and never really get past who he’s set himself up to be, never find out that’s not actually who he is.

Zitao’s yet to breach the wall, but he observes from a distance and he’s getting closer with each breath and maybe someday Chanyeol will let him in and open up his heart to Zitao - someone who so badly wants to be accepted.

Chanyeol is amazing in how he’s put up a wall no one ever seems to see or maybe they never care enough to want to break it down and reach him. It’s a long journey, Zitao knows, but it’s something he’s more than willing to accomplish.

Chanyeol’s eyes are bright with leftover excitement from the performance and a slight tiredness from how much of himself he puts into the areas he lacks something - dancing, balance, coordination. It would be cliché, it would be too much like what happens in the romance novels Zitao finds laying around the dorm, to say that Chanyeol takes his breath away. But he kind of does. And sometimes Zitao fears he’s getting his hopes up because after a moment comes and goes, the lack of everything he hopes for - attention, affection and acceptance, follows.

Despite all that Zitao smiles and Chanyeol smiles back at him. Zitao’s heartbeats are gentle flutters and Chanyeol’s footsteps are quick, he looks determined. Zitao doesn’t know why but he’s anticipating it nonetheless.

It’s without warning when Chanyel sticks the heart to Zitao’s cheek. And Zitao’s still smiling - they both are. It’s a wonderful feeling - he’s been marked and maybe it’s not as important to Chanyeol as it is to Zitao. To Zitao’s tender fluttering heart it means that sometimes glances can mean more, that sometimes smiles can be genuine and barriers can be overcome.

It means that maybe there’s the slightest possibility of Chanyeol wanting Zitao like Zitao wants Chanyeol. Maybe there’s a possibility of the gentle press of Chanyeol’s fingertips to Zitao’s skin to mean more. Zitao wonders how they would feel tracing patterns on his back, his chest and just everywhere. He wonders what it would be like to touch, to kiss and marvel at everything Chanyeol is. He wonders what Chanyeol’s bare skin would feel like to the touch. And he wonders what it would feel waking up next to Chanyeol - bare and serene and content wrapped around Zitao.

He wonders as much as he hopes. And he hopes so strongly - hopes for maybe even something as powerful as a miracle. Zitao knows he’s not the only one in line and Chanyeol’s not the kind to settle for people like Zitao. They’re too dependent and they love too strongly - so strongly that it makes you feel guilty for not giving enough of yourself to them because they deserve to receive the kind of love they’re giving.

Chanyeol’s on his way to retreating but he lingers and Zitao feels like maybe there’s something there in the way Chanyeol’s looking into his eyes, gaze lingering even if only for a second on Zitao’s smile as it grows wider, brighter. Zitao’s happy living in the delusion for a moment. But moments pass as this one does. Chanyeol’s distancing himself and getting further and further away until his back is turned and he’s moving on.

And how Zitao wishes he could do the same - move on from this. He’s looking for flowers blooming in winter and looking for answers to questions he’ll never be brave enough to ask. He’s wanting too much and expecting too much from someone who only keeps him on the hook and never tells him yes or no.

He’s only meters away but unreachable and Zitao desperately wants this to stop. He wants to know and he wants it to end. Because to him it means so much - so much more than what it’s supposed to. And it’s hurtful and it’s tiring how he never gets past the simple gesture, the moment of acknowledgment and slight affection. But it never differs from what Chanyeol is like with everyone else. And it’s over so quickly, but stays with him for so long. Just when Zitao’s close to giving up, Chanyeol comes around to hold his heart in his hands, only to put it back seconds later, but not unscathed. Zitao tries to heal, tries to stitch up the wounds because as much as it harms him, he loves too much to let this die.

But Chanyeol’s smile is the same when he presses a heart onto Yixing’s cheek and he lingers just the same way. Yixing’s an open book with a loving stare and gentle heart. But it’s no different than it was with Zitao - it’s brief and all too suddenly over. Did it even happen at all? The hope is still there in Yixing’s stare. Zitao tries to will his eyes to look away from the set of Yixing’s jaw or the slightly noticeable wetness in his eyes. The realization doesn't hurt any less than any other time before.

He’s not the only one. Probably never will be. There’s a waiting list and Zitao’s name is the last one on it and always will be. There’s always someone better. And Zitao tries to convince himself he could be the one, but he knows he’ll never be the only one. He’s selfish and wants a love so consuming and powerful that it burns. And he knows Chanyeol can love so fiercely, but he’ll tire of it because Zitao is only a boy in an ocean of so many others waiting for their turn.

That should be enough to make him quit this and he wants the end but can’t ask for it. Because what he wants more is scratches on his back and Chanyeol whispering ‘I love you’, even if it’s only for a while. Even if it’s destined to burn out.

r: pg13, f: exo, p: chanyeol/zitao

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