Fascinating New Thing [2/2]
Title: Fascinating New Thing
Pairing: kris/lay
Genre: romance and really weird stuff
Rating: PG-13
Length: 14,9k words
Warning: Very minor minor minor minor character death.
Summary: Something about Zhang Yixing - and Yifan is not sure of what - makes him perish.
A/N: Written for the fanxingyou exchange.
{PART 1}
The first time Yifan saw Zhang Yixing they were both sixteen and lost between excitation and fear from being so far from home. Yixing was a small, languid boy wearing oversized clothes and too long hair sitting on the floor of the practice room at their first dance workshop. There were a few other boys too, but none of them was as evident as Yixing - at least to Yifan - sitting at his corner, legs crossed and cheeks puffed out in an attempt to ease boredom. Yifan could tell he was different just by watching Yixing drop his eyes at mention of someone approaching his surroundings. He looked like he was always aware of everything around him, dazed eyes impossibly alert and hands secured into pockets.
The smile a seventeen-year-old Yixing sported around was clinical, kind of sad and a little restrained. Although, at every tug of his lips and every moment Yifan got to see that dimple, it was like new year’s eve amidst Times Square. Nothing could shine brighter.
Seeing Yixing dance for the first time was like watching homemade napalm blow major credit card company buildings to smithereens. It was like watching the majestic construction of the parliament destruct itself. Yifan’s lips tasted like riot when he swept his tongue across the lower one, unable to disconnect his eyes from the boy dancing in the middle of the room. Something inside of him stirred in that moment, and to this day, he damns letting himself get bewitched by Zhang Yixing. If only he knew there’s no way back.
Yifan should have known. He should’ve paid better attention.
-
Every so often, something different happens. Like when Yifan is in their room, laptop on desk and feet on a nearby shelf trying to find a comfortable position to stay for the next two hours and Yixing walks in.
He sits on a specific spot in his bed where he can see the screen of Yifan’s laptop “What are you watching?” he asks.
“I think it’s French.”
“Why are you watching it? These French movies never make enough sense” he slides the sleeves of his loose shirt up and supports his body on an arm placed on the mattress. He looks absurdly beautiful.
Yifan shrugs and thinks of something better than ‘I’m bored’ to say.
“It’s inspirational”
Yixing snorts “You want to get inspired to sing lines that were carefully composed for you. And to dance steps that were thoroughly designed for your gangly legs to follow-”
“My legs are not gangly”
“-You don’t need inspiration for what we do”
Yifan gazes at him; Yixing has this resolute look on his face as if nothing Yifan says will change his mind. So he doesn’t.
“You can watch it with me if you want to” he offers instead.
Yixing looks from the initial credits of the movie frozen on the screen to Yifan in his comfortable position. He ponders.
“Are there any deaths?”
“Nope, it’s a happy movie”
He considers a little more, humming. “I think… There’s nothing better for me to do anyways”
“That’s why we all watch French movies, I guess” and chuckles. Yixing laughs too, and the sound is sure to deeply carve itself on Yifan’s skull that he keeps replaying it throughout the whole movie.
-
The good part about having schedules far from their dorm is the trip back. The leather seat in the van is seemingly the most comfortable place on earth when they’re tired.
As everyone enjoys the silence in the vehicle to sleep, Yifan closes his eyes and wishes the music in his earphone could surpass its maximum volume.
Something pulls his right earphone off and Yifan feels his arm warm with the proximity of human body. He knows it’s Yixing without opening his eyes, he can smell his cologne mixed with the sweat of a work day.
“Soundgarden” the dancer says. “Didn’t take you for a rocker”
Yifan opens his right eye and tilts his head in Yixing’s direction just in time to catch the hint of a smirk. “I’m not anything. Just listening to music I like”
“You like Soundgarden” there’s disbelief in Yixing’s voice.
Yifan pauses the music and turns completely to him, watching Yixing remove Yifan’s earphone from his left ear and mimic his action, turning on his side.
“You don’t know a lot about me”
“It would appear”
He blinks, wondering if that means Yixing does know something or otherwise.
“Alright, then tell me what I’m thinking right now”
For a while Yixing just gazes at him, face illuminated by the dim light coming from Yifan’s phone. Their faces are a few inches apart, one could easily lean closer and their noses would bump.
“I have no idea” Yixing answers, voice a few tones down, which makes it surprisingly softer and Yifan’s ears welcome it joyfully.
“I’ll tell you then” he says, minding to drop his voice as well so the others wouldn’t listen. They’re the only ones awake, but Zitao is sitting right next to Yixing.
“So?”
“I’m thinking… That I want to see you do it”
Yixing frowns in confusion “Do what?”
Yifan doesn’t know how to put it into words, so he just lifts his hands and sway them around to create some kind of idea of what he wants Yixing to do. It’s effective, for Yixing’s mouth widens in understanding and he inhales.
“That is…”
“Please?”
Maybe his face shows how much he wants to see it; he’s been wanting for a while but didn’t have an idea of how to make it happen. Now seems the moment.
Yixing slowly nods and brings his hands between them, both palms up.
It’s like Yifan’s watching the golden dust come out of Yixing’s pores. Seeing it so close, he can state it’s not quite glitter. It sparkles when it looked from afar, but seeing it closely it’s more like sand, a different type of sand that for sure doesn’t seem to bother your bare feet when you put shoes on. Yixing keeps his hand still and the sand just goes as high as he allows it to, whirling when he wants it to and moving towards Yifan when he needs so.
Yixing has total control over it, and when they hear the rustle of Minseok’s clothes on the leather seat, Yixing’s hands close in a fist and the dust is gone like it’s never been, save for Yifan’s memory.
He studies the way Yixing downs his face, as if he’s embarrassed, and fidgets with his fingers like they’re dirty. He titters quietly.
“Sorry” he finally says, and if a word could weight that one would weight tons. He rubs his palms together and glances up at Yifan quickly, dropping his look again afterwards.
“Sorry for what?” Yifan asks. He’s not sure if they’ve already reached this point in which he can slide a little closer or touch Yixing’s cheek if he wants to, Yifan has always cared about respecting other people’s personal space.
But right now, when Yixing worries with his hands and silently curses at them like they’re awful and unworthy of astonishment, Yifan just wants to touch him and maybe kiss him, whispering that he’s doing it all wrong.
So he does.
Stretching a hand towards the other, Yifan wraps both his hands around Yixing’s in a tight hold. The reaction is almost immediate, Yixing shivers and tries to retract his hands with a soft whimper of ‘no’, but Yifan only holds tighter.
“Wait, Yifan, it might-” he starts, eyes glued to their hands on his lap.
“Hey, look at me” Yifan calls and Yixing takes a while to look up. When he does, there’s apprehension written all over his face. “It’s beautiful. Your hands, your fingers. What you can do, it’s beautiful. I could watch you do it all night”
Yixing inhales, eyelashes fluttering in anxiety and lips parted. Yifan can’t even articulate how beautiful he looks, how much his eyes can tell him right now, how amazing it feels to touch his hands.
He wishes he could transfer his thoughts and everything Yixing makes him feel with only the touch of his hands.
-
“Is this poisonous?”
“I don’t know, maybe you shouldn’t eat it”
“Maybe none of us should eat it”
“Why did you let Luhan cook anyways?”
“I was tired”
“Now we’re starving. Was it helpful?”
“Yes, I ate an apple”
Chanyeol and Baekhyun were on the verge of killing each other and all Yifan cared to do was look at Yixing’s very amused countenance on the other side of the room. He was sitting in his favorite position, with legs brought up to chest and arms hugging it close.
“Did you figure out yet?” Minseok approached him silently, as he always does things, and asked. “What’s on his mind”
Yifan sighs, averting his eyes from Minseok and back to Yixing, who’s now chuckling at Baekhyun and Chanyeol pawing each other in the face “I’m working on it.”
“Maybe you don’t need to. Letting him know you care is enough”
The elder shrugs, following Yifan’s eyes and observing the way Yixing runs his fingers through his hair in order to keep them away from his eyes.
“He knows”
Because Yifan doesn’t ward his eyes off from Yixing he can’t say what kind of look Minseok sports on when he says: “Maybe he should know about something else too”
His tone catches Yifan’s attention, making him turn to face Minseok.
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about this stupid face you get on every time you look at him” and titters. Minseok was always an observant one. Placing a hand on Yifan’s shoulders, he sighs, sparing Yixing a single look. “You should know this. He looks at you just the same”
-
Yifan doesn’t know much about falling in love. He only knows he’s never done it before. People describe it as a fire that burns without being seen, or a sad kind of happiness. Yifan thinks about love as something you can’t control. A derailed train, deadly unstoppable leaving trails of fire in its wake.
Surprisingly, that’s not how he feels every time he looks at Zhang Yixing.
When they met, at that practice room almost six years ago, Yifan felt nothing. Nor a derailed train or fire invisibly burning. He saw a boy wearing funny pants and an ugly hairstyle. Two years passed before he could feel the goddamn fire, and afterwards, every glance at Zhang Yixing was plain torment.
Like now. He’s watching Yixing through the mirror and there’s a woman applying lip-gloss on his mouth. Yixing doesn’t seem very pleased, he touches his mouth disgustingly and smells his fingers, face cringing with the realization that his fingers touched his nose. Then he laughs, big and carefree like Yifan can’t remember seeing before and it’s pure pain.
He’s seen people describing love as pain more than as happiness, but Yifan is particularly fond of how Dr. Seuss described it. He said that you know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. Maybe that’s why Yifan lies awake at a Thursday night while everybody sleeps.
Well not everybody.
“Yifan ge?” comes Yixing’s voice, low and padded with fear of waking Yifan up. “Ge, are you awake?”
“Yes, I am”
“I can’t sleep”
There’ a pause. Yifan suspects it’s for both of them are figuring out what to say next.
“What’s going on?” he asks.
“I keep seeing my mother. I don’t like dreaming about her, it’s too real. And it’s never good.” Yifan can tell by the shakiness in the younger’s voice that he’s really scared.
“Try thinking about something happy?”
“That won’t do it”
Another pause.
Sometimes Yifan forgets everything he’s ever learnt about Yixing and feels like they’re talking for the first time.
“Can I sleep with you?” like now. They could have a whole directory of inside jokes and a whole road of memories and Yifan wouldn’t have remembered anything anyways. That’s how struck he is when Yixing asks to sleep in his bed.
The younger doesn’t wait for him to answer, getting up from his own bed and sitting at the edge of Yifan’s, forcing the elder to make room for him. It’s a tight fit, more because their beds are really small, but Yixing doesn’t seem to have notions of private space when he’s scared. He clings to Yifan’s arm like it’s a weapon specially design to fight all his nightmares. Yifan just lets him.
“Thank you gege”
Yifan almost laughs. Yixing just doesn’t understand.
Jongdae makes sure to be noisy when he barges into Yifan and Yixing’s room the next morning, banging his foot against the door and his fist on Yixing’s closet. Yifan wakes up just in time to see Jongdae amusedly staring at them, arms crossed on chest and laugh at the tip of his tongue. He doesn’t even have time to clear his throat from sleep or get his eyes used to not being closed.
“Aigo, what have we here”
Yixing’s body is completely pressed against Yifan’s, both arms trapped between their bodies as Yifan has an arm around his shoulder. Heat crawls its way to Yifan’s face when he realizes how compromising they look.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but we’re late” giving them both one last amused look, Jongdae drags himself out of their room and lets the door close with a thud loud enough to have Yixing jumping awake.
His hair is tousled, lips thick and eyes so small above heavy bags. He looks ordinary, and yet there is Yifan - sporting that stupid look Minseok had told him about, wondering how can someone look so endearing so early in the morning.
“What time is it?” Yixing asks, rubbing both wrists on his eyes and stretching his body in a very cat-like manner.
Yifan checks his phone “A quarter to seven. We’re late”
“Shit” the younger curses under his teeth and Yifan laughs.
“Not very fairy of you”
“Shut up, I’m human”
-
According to every other member of EXO, there’s nothing more annoying than Huang Zitao. The too clingy, too tall-for-someone-so-childish, too needy Chinese rapper can certainly piss a someone or two with his ways. Yifan is more than often Zitao’s victim, maybe because he can’t shake the boy off like the others seem to be able to do. Half the reason why Zitao is commonly rejected is his clinginess. If Zitao hugs you once, he’ll hardly let go.
It’s Sunday and Yifan has this awfully clingy Zitao attached to his arm since the first hours of the morning. They were said that today’s recordings would happen outdoor and everyone was excited for it.
Except for Yixing, who (also) since the first hours of the morning, seems on the verge of murder.
It all started with Zitao’s approach, claiming Yifan for the day over the fact that Yixing has been stealing him consecutively. That’s all it took for the current scowl to replace the previous excited look on Yixing’s face.
At the van, Yifan intended to dodge Zitao somehow and take his seat next to Yixing like he’s been doing for the past weeks. However, the dancer was quick in taking the only vacant seat next to Luhan and Minseok. When Yifan glanced at him in question, Yixing frowned and put his earplugs on, closing his eyes and seemingly relaxing along with whatever melody was playing.
Yifan had no other option but to accept Zitao’s delayed affection.
After a while, Zitao decides to bring the subject of Yixing’s rare attitude up.
“Did you fight, gege?” the boy asks, probably aware of the unusual dynamics between Yifan and Yixing. “He doesn’t look very happy”
That’s thanks to you, Yifan wants to say, but that’s hardly Zitao’s fault. It could be, but it isn’t. He suspects he’s the one to blame, but can’t figure out in which way.
Then comes Zitao’s question “Do you think he’s jealous?” and Yifan frowns, his brain refusing the option even before he could properly consider it.
“Of course not, he…” he stops. Looks around and finds Yixing leaning against a wall not far from where he stands with Zitao. He’s staring right at them, arms crossed on the chest and furrowed eyebrows looking positively pissed. Suddenly, Minseok’s words from a few days ago come rushing into Yifan’s mind. “You should know this. He looks at you just the same”
Yifan surely doesn’t glare at Yixing like he’s doing right now, but he gets it. Zitao might be right, which is odd.
“He looks like he wants to kill me.” the younger laughs, bringing Yifan back from his reveries. “Go talk to him, gege. I don’t want to get you in trouble”
And without waiting for an answer, Zitao marches on the opposite way towards Sehun, who welcomes him with open arms and a wide grin. Yifan turns to look at Yixing still leaning against the wall, and if it’s possible he looks even more pissed. He’s never seen such side of the dancer, what makes the whole situation scarier, but Yifan swallows and walks in his direction (with carefully slow strides).
“Hi,” he says because he doesn’t know what else to say. Yixing only hums in answer, eyes trained down to avoid Yifan’s face. It’s overly uncomfortable to stand in front of him right now and Yifan feels rather pathetic.
“Are you ok?”
Yixing snorts disdainfully “You shouldn’t worry about me. Go follow Zitao; he might be upset I’m stealing you”
“What?” Yifan frowns. Even though he knows what this is about, it’s still incomprehensible why Yixing is being like this. “Why are you being like this?”
“You wouldn’t know, right” there’s irony in his tone and Yifan simply can’t infer from that. He knows Yixing is jealous and the fact that’s because he spent a matter of two hours next to Zitao is just incoherent.
“What are you trying to say?” his tolerance is wearing out, Yifan can feel it slowly pouring out of his brain. He steps closer to Yixing, checking his surroundings for possible eavesdroppers or staff people. They’re at a recording location after all and there are people around just to look after them.
“Forget about it, Yifan. If you still don’t know, then you’ll never find out”
“Wait, what I’ll never find out?”
“Forget about it!”
“Tell me!”
“I don’t like it!” Yixing blurts. “I don’t like when you walk around with your arms linked to someone else’s. You shouldn’t do it!”
It’s not the answer Yifan is waiting and he’s taken aback. The only thing his brain remembers how to do is stand still and stare at Yixing with a dazed look.
“But I guess it can’t be helped” then he’s leaving, walking towards the flock of hairstylists struggling with Jongin’s hair before Yifan has a say.
-
Back in the dorm, the first one to retreat to the rooms is Yixing. Yifan doesn’t follow him, figuring the boy deserved some space. Instead, he plops himself on the living room couch and gets comfortable for whatever it is Sehun is starting to watch.
Baekhyun is very loud in everything he does, and letting the weight of his body fall on the couch wouldn’t be different. The singer has to produce several sounds and reactions to all the points of his chakra that meet the leather of the sofa.
“Aigo, I’m so tired” he announces as if the whole world is interested.
“No one cares” thank you Sehun.
“Whatever maknae” Baekhyun hits him on the neck and Sehun flinches, deciding that focusing on the TV show would do him more good.
Once Sehun is properly engaged on the TV, Baekhyun turns to Yifan. Impressive how Yifan was so sure of Baekhyun’s intentions from the minute the boy took a seat next to him. Maybe he’s psychic.
“So,” he starts. “Are you having a quarrel with Yixing?”
“I saw you preparing to this”
“Oh yeah? Then answer me, do you like him?”
Yifan falters. “W-what?”
“He asked if you like Yixing, hyung” Sehun replies without looking away from the TV.
Baekhyun just stares at Yifan, probably waiting for an answer - one he hasn’t got a clue of how to answer. Of course he likes Yixing, he’s always liked Yixing. Since the very first moment. That’s an easy answer, but Yifan is pretty sure it’s not the one Baekhyun is looking for.
To know if Yifan is in love with Zhang Yixing should be easy too. Because he cares too much, and one only cares too much when there’s too many feelings involved.
“Do you?” Baekhyun insists.
Sehun turns around from his spot on the floor to face them. “Hyung, just answer. We can see the way you look at him and you’re just dumb if you haven’t noticed the way he looks at you too. Yixing hyung is so different since you became closer, he smiles now”
“He smiled before too”
“Not as much as now. Not as much as when he’s with you, hyung.” Sehun scratches the back of his neck. “If you say otherwise then you’re just being blind and stupid”
With that, the boy turns back and returns to pretend he’s watching the show completely tuned out of the conversation.
“The kid is right” Baekhyun shrugs. “He’s so mad at you, but that’s not jealousy. It’s because you can’t figure out why he’s jealous”
“But I know why”
“If you’re still here then you surely don’t know. You’ve been obsessing over this person since trainee days and don’t you try to deny it because we all know it.”
Yifan presses his lips closed and retracts his head just a little. “I wasn’t”
“Good. Then get your ass out of this couch and go talk to him. I bet he’s waiting for you”
So Yifan does. He carries his ‘bony lazy ass’ to his and Yixing’s shared room and knocks once before entering. The other is lying on the bed, sheets brought up to his chin and looking ready to sleep. He looks at Yifan and winces his nose in distaste. Yifan thinks it’s cute.
“Can we talk?” he asks apprehensively.
Yixing shrugs, a loud whatever goes unheard and Yifan thinks it’s ok if he starts talking. He sits at the edge of his bed and fidgets with his fingers, feeling his hands starting to sweat. Because sweat like a pig is everything he needs right now.
“I’m not sure of how to say this… So I’m just gonna say it” Yixing is looking at him curiously, hands wrapped holding the sheets up to his neck.
Yifan inhales and says, “I like you. I like you a lot actually, and ever since you asked me to keep your secret I can’t stop thinking about you. Not because of your secret, but because you asked me to do it, and I’ve been wonderin-”
He bursts it all out and his eyes are glued to his fingers because he can’t bear look at Yixing and see how pitiful he looks reflected on the other’s eyes; when Yixing gets up from the bed Yifan only catches a sight of the boy when he’s already crouching in front of him.
He wants to ask ‘what?’ but Yixing’s lips press against his so quickly that he’s not allowed a single word. Yifan breaths, as if inhaling Yixing’s scent would make it seem like he’s closer. And then the boy is parting the kiss. Yifan can’t tell for how long he kept his eyes closed. He had this idea that if he kept them close, it was almost like the kiss was still happening.
“You kissed me” he says stupidly, like he does everything else.
Yixing chuckles, and more than ever it sounds like a chorus of angels calling out Yifan’s name. He’s just drawn to it.
Taking his time, Yifan opens his eyes. He regrets it deeply, for Yixing had never looked so beautiful. He’s wearing his everyday pajamas, has a small strap tying his bangs back and yet, looks absurdly beautiful.
“You kissed me” Yifan repeats, because sounding stupid once isn’t enough.
“It’s not the first time”
“What?” Yifan frowns, his memory quick in returning at the right moment. “That second time you erased my memory was…?”
Yixing blushes, averting his eyes and clearing his throat. “Yes”
“Does that mean you…”
“Yes, I like you” he stands up and Yifan follows him right after, unable to let their eyes disconnect. There’s just something about Zhang Yixing that makes him perish and be happy for doing so. “I’m sorry for today, I just got really jealous and-”
It doesn’t matter. It stopped mattering when Yixing kissed him and now there’s only one thing Yifan can do. So he closes the distance between them and reaches up for Yixing’s neck. The boy shivers, eyes instantly closing and lips parting in surprise. Yifan loves it.
Yixing’s lips taste like something Yifan can’t quite remember. Maybe it’s something new, unforecasted. Something he’s sought since that first day at the practice room when Yixing was just a boy with messy hair and oversized clothes. Something Yifan’s only tasted in his dreams.
-
“How do you like stars?”
“What kind of question is this?”
“Do you like stars?”
“Of course I do”
“Great. Then pick one”
“Are you crazy?”
“Pick one.”
“Can I… Pick a planet?”
“Whatever you want.”
“Saturn”
“Why Saturn? Isn’t Venus prettier?”
“Saturn is far enough. Looks positively cold and there are rings of gases and rocks surrounding it, like a shield or something. I like Saturn, looks like a safe planet to raise your children”
“Now I know where you came from”
-
How Baekhyun comes to know Yixing’s secret Yifan never knows quite well. It just happens. One day he’s completely oblivious, the other he’s pulling Yifan on a corner and questioning if he knows about Yixing. Yifan is flabbergasted for a moment, not knowing exactly what he’s allowed to say or if Yixing is aware of Baekhyun’s levels of knowledge.
“What do you mean if I know about Yixing? Know what? I know lots of things about Yixing”
Baekhyun scorns “Don’t play dumb. I mean the memory thing, the-” he drops his voice “the super powers thing”
Yifan furrows his eyebrows at mention of super powers. Baekhyun does look kinda frantically freaked out; perhaps that’s why he said it.
“Don’t lie to me. I just saw it. I saw it and he couldn’t deny. Now tell me, he really can erase people’s minds with it?”
Yifan rolls his eyes, but what he really wants is to jump onto Baekhyun’s face and take a good laugh, because Yixing can’t erase no one’s minds. “He can erase people’s memories. Not their minds, Baekhyun”
“Whatever. Fuck. This is too much; I think I need a cigarette”
“You don’t even smoke”
“Exactly. Fuck.” Baekhyun stops “Maybe he’ll erase my mind next!”
“He can’t erase people’s minds, Baekhyun. Just calm the fuck down”
It’s painful to see Baekhyun rub his palm over his forearm repeatedly with no intention at all. And Yifan can’t understand why he’s freaking out this much. Maybe Yixing didn’t explain things in a good way, maybe he freaked out too. Enough to break Baekhyun.
“I bet he already did you know. I wouldn’t remember anyway. He did it, I’m sure” the boy says it. Yifan sighs, running his fingers through his hair.
“He’s not a super villain. He’s your friend.”
“Friends tell friends stuff!” Baekhyun hisses at Yifan behind lashes. “Don’t let them see things occasionally and then runaway”
“Stop being such a pussy!” Yifan loses it. He simply can’t watch Baekhyun put the blame of something like this on Yixing. No one is to blame, the thing is too freaking complicated for someone to deserve the blame. “Have you ever imagined how hard it is for him? Can’t you imagine why he never told you?
Baekhyun sniffs, avoiding Yifan’s eyes and probably thinking the whole thing over. He’s seemingly settled, the only indication of his mental breakdown being his trembling lips.
“Don’t be like this. And if you said something offending to him, you should apologize.”
After Baekhyun turns on his heels and leaves Yifan’s presence, he darts in a search for Yixing, who’s nowhere to be found in the dorm. Junmyeon says he saw Yixing leaving the apartment a few minutes ago, so Yifan doesn’t hesitate in putting his coat and follow the other’s trail.
He doesn’t have to go far; Yixing is sitting at the staircase still in his pajamas, tear tracks looking fresh on his face. Another one rolls down he sees Yifan.
“Xing” Yifan says, letting out a sigh of relief and at the same time, feeling his heart tighten with the sight.
Yixing rubs his finger pads over his cheeks in attempt of wiping the tears. “You shouldn’t sit next to me. I’m dangerous”
Yifan falters, “Is that what he said to you?”
“He didn’t say anything, he didn’t have to. I saw it in his eyes, how much of a monster he thinks I am” a sound between a laugh and a choke leaves Yixing’s throat and Yifan has this urge of holding him, hugging him and caressing his hair until it all goes away.
“He doesn’t think you’re a monster Yixing,” Yifan says carefully and Yixing scoffs. “This is all too new to him.” Yifan catches Yixing’s chin between two fingers and turns the boy’s face to him. “Give him some time”
“Do you think I’m a monster too?”
Yifan smiles, stretching his hand on Yixing’s soft cheeks and soothing a thumb over it. It’s still humid from the tears. “You could be a dinosaur, I would like you just the same”
Yixing kind of laughs through his nose, avoiding Yifan’s piercing eyes. He brings Yixing’s face closer with both hands, letting their noses touch as the boy looks up.
Their breathings are mixing and Yifan can tell which one is his anymore. He studies the other’s face, all the curves and spots and little imperfections. Everything that makes Yixing uniquely Yixing and he can’t find a reason to call him a monster. Hardly.
“You’re perfect” he says, ignoring Yixing’s disdainful snort. “You’re perfect”
Yixing’s gaze freezes on Yifan’s face. He stares for a while until his lips part to say something (protest, probably) but Yifan is faster, smacking a kiss on his right cheek.
“You’re perfect,” he says, smacking another kiss on Yixing’s left cheek. “You’re perfect” then a kiss on the chin “You’re perfect” then on his forehead, “You’re perfect” at the corner of his eyes and Yixing laughs “You’re perfect” the bridge of his nose and tip.
There’s something about Yixing - that’s for sure. Yifan can feel it pulse through the palms of his hands touching the boy’s face, he can feel it in the vast ocean of Yixing’s eyes and how teeming with unsolved mysteries they are.
“I’ll repeat until you remember. As many times as needed. You’re perfect. You’re perfect. You’re per-” a hand on Yifan’s mouth silences him.
“It’s ok now,” Yixing has the start of a smile on his eyes. Yifan thinks that’s enough for now. “Thank you”
Chuckling, Yifan shakes his head. You just don’t understand, do you? He slides one hand into Yixing’s hair and kisses him softly, inhaling through the kiss and coaxing the boy’s lips apart. There’s that taste again, the unforecasted one, one that combusts when Yifan slides his tongue into Yixing’s mouth.
He’s not sure for how long they sat there kissing, and it could be a real problem if they didn’t live in a private floor. Although Yifan suspects they would still kiss even with the threat of random people walking in on them.
-
“I’ve been scared you’d forget me these days… But then I remember I’m the only one who can make you forget” eyes trained down the smile stretching Yixing’s lips look merely unreal to Yifan.
“I won’t forget you” he assures.
The sky is astonishing tonight, and from where they lie on the dusty balcony floor at the company’s building they can see an infinity of stars sprinkling the navy blue ceiling. Yifan wonders if by any change they can fall, and if it would hurt when they hit the ground.
“Things will get hard” Yixing points out.
“We’ll overcome it”
“You’ll get sick of me”
Letting out a soft chuckle, Yifan lies on his side so he’s facing Yixing. “Then I’ll heal”
-
Yifan missed the bright cityscape and astonishing lights of Guangzhou when he was in Canada. There was this privileged place downtown - a bench on the top of an averagely high building - and no one seemed to know about it but Yifan. He used to sit on this bench and observe the cityscape, all the lights and colors it provided, the tiny ant-like people walking on the streets, all kinds of people. Kids wearing rain boots holding colorful umbrellas, business men carrying the weight of the world in their briefcases, mothers, grandmothers, uncles. Rushing from all directions, in a hurry to get home. Sometimes Yifan pitied them for being in such a rush; their will to get home nullified the pleasure of looking around and noticing what a beautiful scenery they were walking on. Yifan never committed such mistake.
Of course Canada has lots of skyscrapers and a whole lot of city lights too, but it was never the same. The contentment sitting on that bench in Guangzhou gives him is unequaled, and every time he returns home there’s something new and exciting to be seen.
Now he sits at the same spot he used to, and surprisingly his focus isn’t on the cityscape. There’s a small boy sitting next to him and Yifan simply can’t look away from how his eyes reflect the lights, all the colors taking Yifan’s breath away.
“It’s beautiful,” Yixing says. “I wish we had schedules here more often”
“Me too, but now I’m here I’ve come to realize I don’t miss this as much as I did before. I used to come here to feel something. Anything.” Yifan shrugs. “I guess I’m not searching anymore”
“Did you find whatever you’re looking for?” Yixing questions, turning to face Yifan for the first time since sitting on this very bench.
Yifan sighs, thinking that there’s no better answer to this question than a kiss.
-
You never know when a tragedy will happen. Since early days, you learn to expect them, for you never know when one will strike. Life prepares you to lose the ones you love, and yet when it happens you just lose your senses and don’t know what to do.
Everything was normal the morning they came back to Korea. Kyungsoo was beating the hell out of Junmyeon, Sehun and Zitao’s were giggling on a corner. Just a normal day. They had three hours till their next schedule, so Yifan decided to comply with Yixing’s wish of having ice cream. They were almost getting to the ice cream shop when Yifan’s phone ringed.
Baekhyun’s father passed away - said Jongdae’s message.
A terrible car accident happened while they traveled from China to Korea and Baekhyun’s father was a fatal victim.
Yifan never knows what to say when a friend loses a loved one; he thinks sometimes his fear of saying something wrong surpasses the pain of the moment - quite selfish, he knows. He just can’t help it. So Yifan tries to find the right words on the way back.
When they get to the dorm, Yifan isn’t expecting the scene that welcomes him.
Baekhyun is on the floor, arms held by one crying Junmyeon and Jongdae wiping dried tear streaks off his cheek. He’s not crying, he looks numb if anything. All eyes turn to look at Yifan and Yixing but Baekhyun’s. No one speaks a word.
Sehun sits silently at the couch with Zitao clinging to his arm; Jongin walks in circles while speaking at the phone; Luhan soothes Minseok’s back and Chanyeol stands in a corner hugging himself, eyes down casted. Yifan doesn’t think he’s ever witnessed such a horrid atmosphere.
“Hey,” Yixing takes a few steps towards Baekhyun and crouches, managing to stay at the same eyelevel as the one on the ground. Baekhyun’s eyes move, coming to face Yixing. “I’m… So sorry Baek. These are awful news, I’m sorry”
For a moment, Yifan thinks Baekhyun can’t assimilate the words Yixing just said, but little by little, recognition washes over and he sighs before speaking “Yixing,”
Yixing smiles the weakest and saddest smile Yifan’s ever seen. He reaches for Baekhyun’s arm and rubs a few knuckles, caressing.
“Yixing,” Baekhyun repeats, a little more assured now. He blinks, mismatched breathing making him seem a little confused. “Yixing, I…”
“I’m here, Baek” Yixing says.
Junmyeon works in settling Baekhyun down, for the boy tries to get up. The picture is slowly changing. It starts with Baekhyun crying. It’s like everyone’s been waiting for this moment; ready to act as soon as the first tear roll down and when it does, everyone stands up.
“Yixing, I did a terrible thing” Baekhyun cries. “I’ve been terrible,”
“What’s he talking about?” Sehun asks from where he stands behind Jongdae.
“He just lost his father”
Junmyeon shushes them and turns back to Baekhyun, who’s now trying to reach for Yixing, fingertips touching the fabric of Yixing’s shirt, tears rolling freely down his face. It’s agonizing to watch, Junmyeon and Jongdae are refraining a fraught-looking Baekhyun from getting to Yixing, which is apparently everything he needs.
“I’m here,” Yixing says, forcing Junmyeon to step aside so he can approach Baekhyun. Yixing interlaces his fingers with Baekhyun’s.
“I’m the monster, Yixing” Baekhyun manages to utter between hiccups and cries. “I’m so sorry, you’re not… You’re… My friend, I should never-”
“It’s ok, Baek. Really” Yixing caresses Baekhyun’s face in attempt to calm him down.
“I’ve been so terrible to him,” suddenly, Baekhyun is standing up. Yixing quickly follows. “You know right? You know everything, I told you. I told you how awful I was, all the things I said to him. I was wrong, Yixing. So-” Baekhyun’s voice breaks midsentence, and all the words just slip away from him. His beautiful, bright face is contorted by anguish, and the tears rolling down his face change his features to an unusual pattern. Yifan’s never seen that boy so broken.
“What’s happening?” Yifan listens to Jongin’s whisper followed by a rushed shush.
“Yixing, help me. Please, you- you’ve got to… You…” Baekhyun supplicates, grasping at Yixing’s shirt as if letting go would make the boy disappear. He looks desperate.
Yifan understands what he means right on the spot. But Baekhyun can’t be serious, he can’t possibly wish for Yixing to erase his memory. Not for this, not like this.
For the first time, Yifan turns to look at Yixing. The boy looks terrified, like someone just asked him to be killed. Slowly, his head starts to shake in denial, and Baekhyun cradles his face with both hands, eyebrows furrowed with determination. It’s his ultimate appeal.
“Please” he repeats, eyes incredibly certain to be that watery. “I don’t want to feel this anymore, please”
“Baekhyun,” Yixing starts, eyes wide with desperation as he tries to get away from Baekhyun’s firm grip. “I… I can’t… You can’t ask me to…”
“Please Yixing. I know what I did wrong, and that’s killing me. I’m selfish and so stupid, but…” it’s a seemingly herculean effort for Yixing to hold back his tears. “But I don’t want to remember anymore. Please help me.”
“What’s happening?” Zitao’s voice sounds from afar.
Jongdae, who’s been watching with clinical eyes and furrowed eyebrows, steps closer with caution “Baek…”
“I’m sorry, I can’t” Yixing answers.
“No! You don’t understand, I can’t live with this! What I did to him… After everything I…”
“Yixing” Yifan says, deciding that he should have a saying in this. He takes thoughtful steps towards the boys; Yixing looks up at him and Yifan can see his eyes are watery too. “Do it. You’re the only one who can help him”
“Will someone tell the rest of us what the fuck is going on?”
Yixing doesn’t like the idea. Turning to Yifan with supplicant eyes, he silently begs while shaking his head. Please don’t.
Yifan can see he’s afraid. He’s afraid because there are eleven pairs of eyes on him, eleven ones right to judge from the spot as soon as he does whatever Baekhyun wants him to do. Yifan engulfs him in a soft hug, soothing over Yixing’s head and back and face, then sliding hands to touch his cheeks. He doesn’t care if a thousand eyes are watching them, neither should Yixing.
“It’s ok, Xing” Yifan whispers. “Help him”
Yixing sighs and touches Yifan’s forearm before wrapping both his arms around the taller. He buries his face on Yifan’s chest and inhales. Yifan can feel him trembling.
He trembles, but nods. Slightly, but a nod still. So Yifan releases him from the hug, smiling in assurance as Yixing steps towards Baekhyun (who’s now nested into Jongdae’s arms).
Strangely, Jongdae studies Yixing suspiciously.
“Step away” Yixing commands. Yifan is pretty sure he said more out of habit than anything else, but Jongdae isn’t sure of it. Jongdae, actually, doesn’t know a thing.
“No,” he challenges. “You step away”
“Jongdae” Baekhyun tries in a weak voice.
“What are you trying to do to him?”
Yixing doesn’t answer.
“It’s fine, Dae-ah” Baekhyun says, turning to Jongdae in attempt to offer this pathetically wrecked smile, it doesn’t even look like a smile, but it’s enough to convince Jongdae. He unwraps his arms of Baekhyun, watching carefully for the other as he walks towards Yixing.
It’s tense. Yifan takes a look around the room and all he sees are wide eyes and slacked-open mouths. They don’t even know what’s happening, but watch intently as if the end of the world was about to kick off. Maybe the whole dramatics of the moment, maybe the way Jongdae reacted to it. Maybe how desperately Baekhyun begged for Yixing’s help.
“Thank you” Baekhyun says when he finally gets to Yixing, allowing the other to place both hands over his temples. Yifan’s never seen it happen before - at least not that he could remember -, and holds his breath as he sees Yixing close his eyes, and consequently, Baekhyun close his.
It only takes a matter of seconds in which Yixing furrows his eyebrows in concentration and inhales deeply. Baekhyun opens his mouth like he’s about to say something, maybe call out for someone, but as quick as it opens, it closes. And then Yixing is removing his hands.
Two handfuls of graphite-colored dust comes along, stretching from Baekhyun’s temples like meteorites. When Baekhyun falls, body unconsciously limp, the graphite dust vanishes midair.
It’s immediate.
Everyone is rushing to the fallen one, maneuvering him carefully. Jongdae is the first to hiss at Yixing, trying to confront him by shaking his shoulders and yelling at the top of his lungs. Yifan hardly thinks that’s the way the human population should argue, so he protects Yixing by shielding him, putting himself between him and that particularly raging Jongdae.
“He’s gonna be fine soon, I swear!” Yixing assures, but Yifan is pretty sure right now Jongdae’s mind is completely black.
-
Baekhyun’s family got a car to pick him up, and as soon as he stated his friend was ok, Yixing left the apartment without saying a single word. Yifan figures he needs some time too, and that’s only fair considering what he’s just done.
Apparently, Baekhyun and his father had been through a tough time of lots of arguments and regretful sayings. Knowing his last words to his father were ‘Please don’t bother me anymore’ was killing him with each passing hour, and the only solution the boy saw was to completely escape from the memory - have it definitely wiped out from his system.
When he woke up, Baekhyun didn’t look any better. He looked sad, and dejected, and devastated and so utterly broken that Yifan seriously considered Yixing’s mojo to have failed. Then he remembered Baekhyun had lost his father. And that memory was still intact.
To get the members used to the idea of Yixing’s abilities wasn’t as hard as he thought it would be. Maybe the fact that they all witnessed the occurring and had the undeniable proof. Someone just don’t pour graphite dust out of other’s head out of nowhere afterall.
“Have you always known this?” Jongdae questions. Now he looks apologetic.
“No. He struggled with this alone for a long time.” Yifan sighs. “It’s only a couple of months ago that I found out”
Silence reigns in the room for a while. It’s like no one breathes, no one blinks and no one thinks.
Until Sehun decides to break the silence. “What about Baekhyun? He’s not going to remember a thing, so what do we do? Do we not mention the past few weeks he spent with his father? Is he just not going to remember it all?”
However, silence reigns again for no one holds the answer.
When Yixing returns, there is no one in the living room but Yifan. The boy lets his body fall onto the couch and takes a deep breath.
“How was it?” he asks. “Did they ask too much?”
Yifan snorts. “Yes, they did. At some point I thought they were going to ask me the lotto numbers”
“I’m sorry I left” Yixing turns on his side to face Yifan, eyes deeply apologetic yet tired. “I couldn’t deal with the way Jongdae was looking at me; I thought he was going to kill me”
“He was just worried for Baekhyun. Once I explained everything he felt really bad for treating you that way.”
“I don’t blame him,” Yixing closed his eyes. “He’s clearly in love with Baekhyun, I guess he freaked out”
Yifan chuckles, using his fingers to brush Yixing’s bangs from his forehead tenderly, watching with mild admiration the boy slowly opening his eyes and acknowledging his presence. To see Yixing’s smile might be one of his favorites pastimes.
They’re almost kissing when nine people approach them very horde-like, all together, one never leaving the other’s side. Yixing and Yifan both look up from their spot on the couch, confused by the group approach.
Jongdae is a front, so he clears his throat before speaking.
“Hi Yixing,” he scratches his cheek, blushing. “I just… Wanted to say I’m sorry for acting like that. I lost my mind; I shouldn’t have unleashed hell on you”
There’s a soft laugh in the middle of the flock followed by a rushed “Shut up Zitao!” and “But he said unleashed hell!”.
Yixing laughs one of those silent laughs that makes his dimple pronounced and paints the word adorable all over his face. You can’t hate Yixing when he’s laughing like this.
“It’s ok, don’t worry” he says and Jongdae nods, stepping aside like his part is complete. It probably is, ‘cause next thing Junmyeon is speaking.
“We know what you did for Baekhyun,” he starts. “Although it will be very difficult for him, now he gets the chance to deal with it in a bit easier way.”
Chanyeol takes a step forward and Yifan notices he’s got the unicorn doll a fan gave Yixing during MAMA promotions.
“To prove we support you no matter what distant and creepy planet you come from,” Chanyeol says and Zitao laughs again.
“I’m human” Yixing protests.
“We brought you this unicorn” Chanyeol then offers the pink and purple doll that’s been wandering around their dorm because Yixing wouldn’t give the thing a residence in his room under the excuse of not standing these sorts of quadrupeds.
Yixing squints at each one of them like they’re playing a prank and a dancing imp will jump from the unicorn. An incredibly small imp.
“But… This can’t be considered a gift. It was mine way before it landed on your hands”
Chanyeol rolls his eyes “Details,” and pushes the doll towards Yixing “What really matters is that we’ll try to act like you’re normal”
“I am normal”
“Sure, Loki”
-
What are you thinking, Yifan wants to ask. Tell me what’s on your mind. I bet it’s something incredible.
Something about Zhang Yixing makes anxiety climbs up Yifan’s body and heat claws at his skin. Yifan knows a lot about Yixing; he knows that he’s from Changsha, and that he possesses this sick musical intelligence - a genius, truly -; he also knows Yixing hates unicorns, but pities them whenever Kyungsoo throws them at the ground and steps on them just to get his daily dose of evil. Yifan also knows about that thing he can do with his hands; and also about the fairy dust that can erase people’s memories. But most important and the one detail Yifan makes sure to remember every single day is that he knows Zhang Yixing loves him. Him, and no one else.
So the question Yifan’s been meaning to ask for so long is made.
“What are you thinking?” and to his surprise, Yixing is the one asking it, caressing Yifan’s arm while they wait in line for check-in. There’s a lot of people watching them, but they never cared for it anyway. None of them ever did.
“I’m thinking about you” Yifan says, earning a snort and a mocking laugh from Yixing. “It’s true!”
“I know it is, but you’re so cheesy! Did you really have to say it?”
“But you asked!”
“Should have lied!”
Yifan thinks that the best thing about Yixing is the way he smiles, mouth shyly stretching across his face and dimple making itself noticeable. His eyes smile along, and that’s the best part. Perhaps that’s about Yixing that makes Yifan perish and succumb and fall to the ground in a big messy pile of disposable ashes. Perhaps there’s so much more about Yixing, so much Yifan will never be able to make a list.
Now is a good example. There he is, laughing behind his hand and it’s so surprising that Yixing’s never been told before how attractive and gorgeous and mesmerizing he is.
Yifan runs a hand through Yixing’s hair, ceasing the boy’s laughter gradually. You delight me, you fascinating thing, he wants to say.
Pairing: kris/lay
Genre: romance and really weird stuff
Rating: PG-13
Length: 14,9k words
Warning: Very minor minor minor minor character death.
Summary: Something about Zhang Yixing - and Yifan is not sure of what - makes him perish.
A/N: Written for the fanxingyou exchange.
{PART 1}
The first time Yifan saw Zhang Yixing they were both sixteen and lost between excitation and fear from being so far from home. Yixing was a small, languid boy wearing oversized clothes and too long hair sitting on the floor of the practice room at their first dance workshop. There were a few other boys too, but none of them was as evident as Yixing - at least to Yifan - sitting at his corner, legs crossed and cheeks puffed out in an attempt to ease boredom. Yifan could tell he was different just by watching Yixing drop his eyes at mention of someone approaching his surroundings. He looked like he was always aware of everything around him, dazed eyes impossibly alert and hands secured into pockets.
The smile a seventeen-year-old Yixing sported around was clinical, kind of sad and a little restrained. Although, at every tug of his lips and every moment Yifan got to see that dimple, it was like new year’s eve amidst Times Square. Nothing could shine brighter.
Seeing Yixing dance for the first time was like watching homemade napalm blow major credit card company buildings to smithereens. It was like watching the majestic construction of the parliament destruct itself. Yifan’s lips tasted like riot when he swept his tongue across the lower one, unable to disconnect his eyes from the boy dancing in the middle of the room. Something inside of him stirred in that moment, and to this day, he damns letting himself get bewitched by Zhang Yixing. If only he knew there’s no way back.
Yifan should have known. He should’ve paid better attention.
-
Every so often, something different happens. Like when Yifan is in their room, laptop on desk and feet on a nearby shelf trying to find a comfortable position to stay for the next two hours and Yixing walks in.
He sits on a specific spot in his bed where he can see the screen of Yifan’s laptop “What are you watching?” he asks.
“I think it’s French.”
“Why are you watching it? These French movies never make enough sense” he slides the sleeves of his loose shirt up and supports his body on an arm placed on the mattress. He looks absurdly beautiful.
Yifan shrugs and thinks of something better than ‘I’m bored’ to say.
“It’s inspirational”
Yixing snorts “You want to get inspired to sing lines that were carefully composed for you. And to dance steps that were thoroughly designed for your gangly legs to follow-”
“My legs are not gangly”
“-You don’t need inspiration for what we do”
Yifan gazes at him; Yixing has this resolute look on his face as if nothing Yifan says will change his mind. So he doesn’t.
“You can watch it with me if you want to” he offers instead.
Yixing looks from the initial credits of the movie frozen on the screen to Yifan in his comfortable position. He ponders.
“Are there any deaths?”
“Nope, it’s a happy movie”
He considers a little more, humming. “I think… There’s nothing better for me to do anyways”
“That’s why we all watch French movies, I guess” and chuckles. Yixing laughs too, and the sound is sure to deeply carve itself on Yifan’s skull that he keeps replaying it throughout the whole movie.
-
The good part about having schedules far from their dorm is the trip back. The leather seat in the van is seemingly the most comfortable place on earth when they’re tired.
As everyone enjoys the silence in the vehicle to sleep, Yifan closes his eyes and wishes the music in his earphone could surpass its maximum volume.
Something pulls his right earphone off and Yifan feels his arm warm with the proximity of human body. He knows it’s Yixing without opening his eyes, he can smell his cologne mixed with the sweat of a work day.
“Soundgarden” the dancer says. “Didn’t take you for a rocker”
Yifan opens his right eye and tilts his head in Yixing’s direction just in time to catch the hint of a smirk. “I’m not anything. Just listening to music I like”
“You like Soundgarden” there’s disbelief in Yixing’s voice.
Yifan pauses the music and turns completely to him, watching Yixing remove Yifan’s earphone from his left ear and mimic his action, turning on his side.
“You don’t know a lot about me”
“It would appear”
He blinks, wondering if that means Yixing does know something or otherwise.
“Alright, then tell me what I’m thinking right now”
For a while Yixing just gazes at him, face illuminated by the dim light coming from Yifan’s phone. Their faces are a few inches apart, one could easily lean closer and their noses would bump.
“I have no idea” Yixing answers, voice a few tones down, which makes it surprisingly softer and Yifan’s ears welcome it joyfully.
“I’ll tell you then” he says, minding to drop his voice as well so the others wouldn’t listen. They’re the only ones awake, but Zitao is sitting right next to Yixing.
“So?”
“I’m thinking… That I want to see you do it”
Yixing frowns in confusion “Do what?”
Yifan doesn’t know how to put it into words, so he just lifts his hands and sway them around to create some kind of idea of what he wants Yixing to do. It’s effective, for Yixing’s mouth widens in understanding and he inhales.
“That is…”
“Please?”
Maybe his face shows how much he wants to see it; he’s been wanting for a while but didn’t have an idea of how to make it happen. Now seems the moment.
Yixing slowly nods and brings his hands between them, both palms up.
It’s like Yifan’s watching the golden dust come out of Yixing’s pores. Seeing it so close, he can state it’s not quite glitter. It sparkles when it looked from afar, but seeing it closely it’s more like sand, a different type of sand that for sure doesn’t seem to bother your bare feet when you put shoes on. Yixing keeps his hand still and the sand just goes as high as he allows it to, whirling when he wants it to and moving towards Yifan when he needs so.
Yixing has total control over it, and when they hear the rustle of Minseok’s clothes on the leather seat, Yixing’s hands close in a fist and the dust is gone like it’s never been, save for Yifan’s memory.
He studies the way Yixing downs his face, as if he’s embarrassed, and fidgets with his fingers like they’re dirty. He titters quietly.
“Sorry” he finally says, and if a word could weight that one would weight tons. He rubs his palms together and glances up at Yifan quickly, dropping his look again afterwards.
“Sorry for what?” Yifan asks. He’s not sure if they’ve already reached this point in which he can slide a little closer or touch Yixing’s cheek if he wants to, Yifan has always cared about respecting other people’s personal space.
But right now, when Yixing worries with his hands and silently curses at them like they’re awful and unworthy of astonishment, Yifan just wants to touch him and maybe kiss him, whispering that he’s doing it all wrong.
So he does.
Stretching a hand towards the other, Yifan wraps both his hands around Yixing’s in a tight hold. The reaction is almost immediate, Yixing shivers and tries to retract his hands with a soft whimper of ‘no’, but Yifan only holds tighter.
“Wait, Yifan, it might-” he starts, eyes glued to their hands on his lap.
“Hey, look at me” Yifan calls and Yixing takes a while to look up. When he does, there’s apprehension written all over his face. “It’s beautiful. Your hands, your fingers. What you can do, it’s beautiful. I could watch you do it all night”
Yixing inhales, eyelashes fluttering in anxiety and lips parted. Yifan can’t even articulate how beautiful he looks, how much his eyes can tell him right now, how amazing it feels to touch his hands.
He wishes he could transfer his thoughts and everything Yixing makes him feel with only the touch of his hands.
-
“Is this poisonous?”
“I don’t know, maybe you shouldn’t eat it”
“Maybe none of us should eat it”
“Why did you let Luhan cook anyways?”
“I was tired”
“Now we’re starving. Was it helpful?”
“Yes, I ate an apple”
Chanyeol and Baekhyun were on the verge of killing each other and all Yifan cared to do was look at Yixing’s very amused countenance on the other side of the room. He was sitting in his favorite position, with legs brought up to chest and arms hugging it close.
“Did you figure out yet?” Minseok approached him silently, as he always does things, and asked. “What’s on his mind”
Yifan sighs, averting his eyes from Minseok and back to Yixing, who’s now chuckling at Baekhyun and Chanyeol pawing each other in the face “I’m working on it.”
“Maybe you don’t need to. Letting him know you care is enough”
The elder shrugs, following Yifan’s eyes and observing the way Yixing runs his fingers through his hair in order to keep them away from his eyes.
“He knows”
Because Yifan doesn’t ward his eyes off from Yixing he can’t say what kind of look Minseok sports on when he says: “Maybe he should know about something else too”
His tone catches Yifan’s attention, making him turn to face Minseok.
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about this stupid face you get on every time you look at him” and titters. Minseok was always an observant one. Placing a hand on Yifan’s shoulders, he sighs, sparing Yixing a single look. “You should know this. He looks at you just the same”
-
Yifan doesn’t know much about falling in love. He only knows he’s never done it before. People describe it as a fire that burns without being seen, or a sad kind of happiness. Yifan thinks about love as something you can’t control. A derailed train, deadly unstoppable leaving trails of fire in its wake.
Surprisingly, that’s not how he feels every time he looks at Zhang Yixing.
When they met, at that practice room almost six years ago, Yifan felt nothing. Nor a derailed train or fire invisibly burning. He saw a boy wearing funny pants and an ugly hairstyle. Two years passed before he could feel the goddamn fire, and afterwards, every glance at Zhang Yixing was plain torment.
Like now. He’s watching Yixing through the mirror and there’s a woman applying lip-gloss on his mouth. Yixing doesn’t seem very pleased, he touches his mouth disgustingly and smells his fingers, face cringing with the realization that his fingers touched his nose. Then he laughs, big and carefree like Yifan can’t remember seeing before and it’s pure pain.
He’s seen people describing love as pain more than as happiness, but Yifan is particularly fond of how Dr. Seuss described it. He said that you know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. Maybe that’s why Yifan lies awake at a Thursday night while everybody sleeps.
Well not everybody.
“Yifan ge?” comes Yixing’s voice, low and padded with fear of waking Yifan up. “Ge, are you awake?”
“Yes, I am”
“I can’t sleep”
There’ a pause. Yifan suspects it’s for both of them are figuring out what to say next.
“What’s going on?” he asks.
“I keep seeing my mother. I don’t like dreaming about her, it’s too real. And it’s never good.” Yifan can tell by the shakiness in the younger’s voice that he’s really scared.
“Try thinking about something happy?”
“That won’t do it”
Another pause.
Sometimes Yifan forgets everything he’s ever learnt about Yixing and feels like they’re talking for the first time.
“Can I sleep with you?” like now. They could have a whole directory of inside jokes and a whole road of memories and Yifan wouldn’t have remembered anything anyways. That’s how struck he is when Yixing asks to sleep in his bed.
The younger doesn’t wait for him to answer, getting up from his own bed and sitting at the edge of Yifan’s, forcing the elder to make room for him. It’s a tight fit, more because their beds are really small, but Yixing doesn’t seem to have notions of private space when he’s scared. He clings to Yifan’s arm like it’s a weapon specially design to fight all his nightmares. Yifan just lets him.
“Thank you gege”
Yifan almost laughs. Yixing just doesn’t understand.
Jongdae makes sure to be noisy when he barges into Yifan and Yixing’s room the next morning, banging his foot against the door and his fist on Yixing’s closet. Yifan wakes up just in time to see Jongdae amusedly staring at them, arms crossed on chest and laugh at the tip of his tongue. He doesn’t even have time to clear his throat from sleep or get his eyes used to not being closed.
“Aigo, what have we here”
Yixing’s body is completely pressed against Yifan’s, both arms trapped between their bodies as Yifan has an arm around his shoulder. Heat crawls its way to Yifan’s face when he realizes how compromising they look.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but we’re late” giving them both one last amused look, Jongdae drags himself out of their room and lets the door close with a thud loud enough to have Yixing jumping awake.
His hair is tousled, lips thick and eyes so small above heavy bags. He looks ordinary, and yet there is Yifan - sporting that stupid look Minseok had told him about, wondering how can someone look so endearing so early in the morning.
“What time is it?” Yixing asks, rubbing both wrists on his eyes and stretching his body in a very cat-like manner.
Yifan checks his phone “A quarter to seven. We’re late”
“Shit” the younger curses under his teeth and Yifan laughs.
“Not very fairy of you”
“Shut up, I’m human”
-
According to every other member of EXO, there’s nothing more annoying than Huang Zitao. The too clingy, too tall-for-someone-so-childish, too needy Chinese rapper can certainly piss a someone or two with his ways. Yifan is more than often Zitao’s victim, maybe because he can’t shake the boy off like the others seem to be able to do. Half the reason why Zitao is commonly rejected is his clinginess. If Zitao hugs you once, he’ll hardly let go.
It’s Sunday and Yifan has this awfully clingy Zitao attached to his arm since the first hours of the morning. They were said that today’s recordings would happen outdoor and everyone was excited for it.
Except for Yixing, who (also) since the first hours of the morning, seems on the verge of murder.
It all started with Zitao’s approach, claiming Yifan for the day over the fact that Yixing has been stealing him consecutively. That’s all it took for the current scowl to replace the previous excited look on Yixing’s face.
At the van, Yifan intended to dodge Zitao somehow and take his seat next to Yixing like he’s been doing for the past weeks. However, the dancer was quick in taking the only vacant seat next to Luhan and Minseok. When Yifan glanced at him in question, Yixing frowned and put his earplugs on, closing his eyes and seemingly relaxing along with whatever melody was playing.
Yifan had no other option but to accept Zitao’s delayed affection.
After a while, Zitao decides to bring the subject of Yixing’s rare attitude up.
“Did you fight, gege?” the boy asks, probably aware of the unusual dynamics between Yifan and Yixing. “He doesn’t look very happy”
That’s thanks to you, Yifan wants to say, but that’s hardly Zitao’s fault. It could be, but it isn’t. He suspects he’s the one to blame, but can’t figure out in which way.
Then comes Zitao’s question “Do you think he’s jealous?” and Yifan frowns, his brain refusing the option even before he could properly consider it.
“Of course not, he…” he stops. Looks around and finds Yixing leaning against a wall not far from where he stands with Zitao. He’s staring right at them, arms crossed on the chest and furrowed eyebrows looking positively pissed. Suddenly, Minseok’s words from a few days ago come rushing into Yifan’s mind. “You should know this. He looks at you just the same”
Yifan surely doesn’t glare at Yixing like he’s doing right now, but he gets it. Zitao might be right, which is odd.
“He looks like he wants to kill me.” the younger laughs, bringing Yifan back from his reveries. “Go talk to him, gege. I don’t want to get you in trouble”
And without waiting for an answer, Zitao marches on the opposite way towards Sehun, who welcomes him with open arms and a wide grin. Yifan turns to look at Yixing still leaning against the wall, and if it’s possible he looks even more pissed. He’s never seen such side of the dancer, what makes the whole situation scarier, but Yifan swallows and walks in his direction (with carefully slow strides).
“Hi,” he says because he doesn’t know what else to say. Yixing only hums in answer, eyes trained down to avoid Yifan’s face. It’s overly uncomfortable to stand in front of him right now and Yifan feels rather pathetic.
“Are you ok?”
Yixing snorts disdainfully “You shouldn’t worry about me. Go follow Zitao; he might be upset I’m stealing you”
“What?” Yifan frowns. Even though he knows what this is about, it’s still incomprehensible why Yixing is being like this. “Why are you being like this?”
“You wouldn’t know, right” there’s irony in his tone and Yifan simply can’t infer from that. He knows Yixing is jealous and the fact that’s because he spent a matter of two hours next to Zitao is just incoherent.
“What are you trying to say?” his tolerance is wearing out, Yifan can feel it slowly pouring out of his brain. He steps closer to Yixing, checking his surroundings for possible eavesdroppers or staff people. They’re at a recording location after all and there are people around just to look after them.
“Forget about it, Yifan. If you still don’t know, then you’ll never find out”
“Wait, what I’ll never find out?”
“Forget about it!”
“Tell me!”
“I don’t like it!” Yixing blurts. “I don’t like when you walk around with your arms linked to someone else’s. You shouldn’t do it!”
It’s not the answer Yifan is waiting and he’s taken aback. The only thing his brain remembers how to do is stand still and stare at Yixing with a dazed look.
“But I guess it can’t be helped” then he’s leaving, walking towards the flock of hairstylists struggling with Jongin’s hair before Yifan has a say.
-
Back in the dorm, the first one to retreat to the rooms is Yixing. Yifan doesn’t follow him, figuring the boy deserved some space. Instead, he plops himself on the living room couch and gets comfortable for whatever it is Sehun is starting to watch.
Baekhyun is very loud in everything he does, and letting the weight of his body fall on the couch wouldn’t be different. The singer has to produce several sounds and reactions to all the points of his chakra that meet the leather of the sofa.
“Aigo, I’m so tired” he announces as if the whole world is interested.
“No one cares” thank you Sehun.
“Whatever maknae” Baekhyun hits him on the neck and Sehun flinches, deciding that focusing on the TV show would do him more good.
Once Sehun is properly engaged on the TV, Baekhyun turns to Yifan. Impressive how Yifan was so sure of Baekhyun’s intentions from the minute the boy took a seat next to him. Maybe he’s psychic.
“So,” he starts. “Are you having a quarrel with Yixing?”
“I saw you preparing to this”
“Oh yeah? Then answer me, do you like him?”
Yifan falters. “W-what?”
“He asked if you like Yixing, hyung” Sehun replies without looking away from the TV.
Baekhyun just stares at Yifan, probably waiting for an answer - one he hasn’t got a clue of how to answer. Of course he likes Yixing, he’s always liked Yixing. Since the very first moment. That’s an easy answer, but Yifan is pretty sure it’s not the one Baekhyun is looking for.
To know if Yifan is in love with Zhang Yixing should be easy too. Because he cares too much, and one only cares too much when there’s too many feelings involved.
“Do you?” Baekhyun insists.
Sehun turns around from his spot on the floor to face them. “Hyung, just answer. We can see the way you look at him and you’re just dumb if you haven’t noticed the way he looks at you too. Yixing hyung is so different since you became closer, he smiles now”
“He smiled before too”
“Not as much as now. Not as much as when he’s with you, hyung.” Sehun scratches the back of his neck. “If you say otherwise then you’re just being blind and stupid”
With that, the boy turns back and returns to pretend he’s watching the show completely tuned out of the conversation.
“The kid is right” Baekhyun shrugs. “He’s so mad at you, but that’s not jealousy. It’s because you can’t figure out why he’s jealous”
“But I know why”
“If you’re still here then you surely don’t know. You’ve been obsessing over this person since trainee days and don’t you try to deny it because we all know it.”
Yifan presses his lips closed and retracts his head just a little. “I wasn’t”
“Good. Then get your ass out of this couch and go talk to him. I bet he’s waiting for you”
So Yifan does. He carries his ‘bony lazy ass’ to his and Yixing’s shared room and knocks once before entering. The other is lying on the bed, sheets brought up to his chin and looking ready to sleep. He looks at Yifan and winces his nose in distaste. Yifan thinks it’s cute.
“Can we talk?” he asks apprehensively.
Yixing shrugs, a loud whatever goes unheard and Yifan thinks it’s ok if he starts talking. He sits at the edge of his bed and fidgets with his fingers, feeling his hands starting to sweat. Because sweat like a pig is everything he needs right now.
“I’m not sure of how to say this… So I’m just gonna say it” Yixing is looking at him curiously, hands wrapped holding the sheets up to his neck.
Yifan inhales and says, “I like you. I like you a lot actually, and ever since you asked me to keep your secret I can’t stop thinking about you. Not because of your secret, but because you asked me to do it, and I’ve been wonderin-”
He bursts it all out and his eyes are glued to his fingers because he can’t bear look at Yixing and see how pitiful he looks reflected on the other’s eyes; when Yixing gets up from the bed Yifan only catches a sight of the boy when he’s already crouching in front of him.
He wants to ask ‘what?’ but Yixing’s lips press against his so quickly that he’s not allowed a single word. Yifan breaths, as if inhaling Yixing’s scent would make it seem like he’s closer. And then the boy is parting the kiss. Yifan can’t tell for how long he kept his eyes closed. He had this idea that if he kept them close, it was almost like the kiss was still happening.
“You kissed me” he says stupidly, like he does everything else.
Yixing chuckles, and more than ever it sounds like a chorus of angels calling out Yifan’s name. He’s just drawn to it.
Taking his time, Yifan opens his eyes. He regrets it deeply, for Yixing had never looked so beautiful. He’s wearing his everyday pajamas, has a small strap tying his bangs back and yet, looks absurdly beautiful.
“You kissed me” Yifan repeats, because sounding stupid once isn’t enough.
“It’s not the first time”
“What?” Yifan frowns, his memory quick in returning at the right moment. “That second time you erased my memory was…?”
Yixing blushes, averting his eyes and clearing his throat. “Yes”
“Does that mean you…”
“Yes, I like you” he stands up and Yifan follows him right after, unable to let their eyes disconnect. There’s just something about Zhang Yixing that makes him perish and be happy for doing so. “I’m sorry for today, I just got really jealous and-”
It doesn’t matter. It stopped mattering when Yixing kissed him and now there’s only one thing Yifan can do. So he closes the distance between them and reaches up for Yixing’s neck. The boy shivers, eyes instantly closing and lips parting in surprise. Yifan loves it.
Yixing’s lips taste like something Yifan can’t quite remember. Maybe it’s something new, unforecasted. Something he’s sought since that first day at the practice room when Yixing was just a boy with messy hair and oversized clothes. Something Yifan’s only tasted in his dreams.
-
“How do you like stars?”
“What kind of question is this?”
“Do you like stars?”
“Of course I do”
“Great. Then pick one”
“Are you crazy?”
“Pick one.”
“Can I… Pick a planet?”
“Whatever you want.”
“Saturn”
“Why Saturn? Isn’t Venus prettier?”
“Saturn is far enough. Looks positively cold and there are rings of gases and rocks surrounding it, like a shield or something. I like Saturn, looks like a safe planet to raise your children”
“Now I know where you came from”
-
How Baekhyun comes to know Yixing’s secret Yifan never knows quite well. It just happens. One day he’s completely oblivious, the other he’s pulling Yifan on a corner and questioning if he knows about Yixing. Yifan is flabbergasted for a moment, not knowing exactly what he’s allowed to say or if Yixing is aware of Baekhyun’s levels of knowledge.
“What do you mean if I know about Yixing? Know what? I know lots of things about Yixing”
Baekhyun scorns “Don’t play dumb. I mean the memory thing, the-” he drops his voice “the super powers thing”
Yifan furrows his eyebrows at mention of super powers. Baekhyun does look kinda frantically freaked out; perhaps that’s why he said it.
“Don’t lie to me. I just saw it. I saw it and he couldn’t deny. Now tell me, he really can erase people’s minds with it?”
Yifan rolls his eyes, but what he really wants is to jump onto Baekhyun’s face and take a good laugh, because Yixing can’t erase no one’s minds. “He can erase people’s memories. Not their minds, Baekhyun”
“Whatever. Fuck. This is too much; I think I need a cigarette”
“You don’t even smoke”
“Exactly. Fuck.” Baekhyun stops “Maybe he’ll erase my mind next!”
“He can’t erase people’s minds, Baekhyun. Just calm the fuck down”
It’s painful to see Baekhyun rub his palm over his forearm repeatedly with no intention at all. And Yifan can’t understand why he’s freaking out this much. Maybe Yixing didn’t explain things in a good way, maybe he freaked out too. Enough to break Baekhyun.
“I bet he already did you know. I wouldn’t remember anyway. He did it, I’m sure” the boy says it. Yifan sighs, running his fingers through his hair.
“He’s not a super villain. He’s your friend.”
“Friends tell friends stuff!” Baekhyun hisses at Yifan behind lashes. “Don’t let them see things occasionally and then runaway”
“Stop being such a pussy!” Yifan loses it. He simply can’t watch Baekhyun put the blame of something like this on Yixing. No one is to blame, the thing is too freaking complicated for someone to deserve the blame. “Have you ever imagined how hard it is for him? Can’t you imagine why he never told you?
Baekhyun sniffs, avoiding Yifan’s eyes and probably thinking the whole thing over. He’s seemingly settled, the only indication of his mental breakdown being his trembling lips.
“Don’t be like this. And if you said something offending to him, you should apologize.”
After Baekhyun turns on his heels and leaves Yifan’s presence, he darts in a search for Yixing, who’s nowhere to be found in the dorm. Junmyeon says he saw Yixing leaving the apartment a few minutes ago, so Yifan doesn’t hesitate in putting his coat and follow the other’s trail.
He doesn’t have to go far; Yixing is sitting at the staircase still in his pajamas, tear tracks looking fresh on his face. Another one rolls down he sees Yifan.
“Xing” Yifan says, letting out a sigh of relief and at the same time, feeling his heart tighten with the sight.
Yixing rubs his finger pads over his cheeks in attempt of wiping the tears. “You shouldn’t sit next to me. I’m dangerous”
Yifan falters, “Is that what he said to you?”
“He didn’t say anything, he didn’t have to. I saw it in his eyes, how much of a monster he thinks I am” a sound between a laugh and a choke leaves Yixing’s throat and Yifan has this urge of holding him, hugging him and caressing his hair until it all goes away.
“He doesn’t think you’re a monster Yixing,” Yifan says carefully and Yixing scoffs. “This is all too new to him.” Yifan catches Yixing’s chin between two fingers and turns the boy’s face to him. “Give him some time”
“Do you think I’m a monster too?”
Yifan smiles, stretching his hand on Yixing’s soft cheeks and soothing a thumb over it. It’s still humid from the tears. “You could be a dinosaur, I would like you just the same”
Yixing kind of laughs through his nose, avoiding Yifan’s piercing eyes. He brings Yixing’s face closer with both hands, letting their noses touch as the boy looks up.
Their breathings are mixing and Yifan can tell which one is his anymore. He studies the other’s face, all the curves and spots and little imperfections. Everything that makes Yixing uniquely Yixing and he can’t find a reason to call him a monster. Hardly.
“You’re perfect” he says, ignoring Yixing’s disdainful snort. “You’re perfect”
Yixing’s gaze freezes on Yifan’s face. He stares for a while until his lips part to say something (protest, probably) but Yifan is faster, smacking a kiss on his right cheek.
“You’re perfect,” he says, smacking another kiss on Yixing’s left cheek. “You’re perfect” then a kiss on the chin “You’re perfect” then on his forehead, “You’re perfect” at the corner of his eyes and Yixing laughs “You’re perfect” the bridge of his nose and tip.
There’s something about Yixing - that’s for sure. Yifan can feel it pulse through the palms of his hands touching the boy’s face, he can feel it in the vast ocean of Yixing’s eyes and how teeming with unsolved mysteries they are.
“I’ll repeat until you remember. As many times as needed. You’re perfect. You’re perfect. You’re per-” a hand on Yifan’s mouth silences him.
“It’s ok now,” Yixing has the start of a smile on his eyes. Yifan thinks that’s enough for now. “Thank you”
Chuckling, Yifan shakes his head. You just don’t understand, do you? He slides one hand into Yixing’s hair and kisses him softly, inhaling through the kiss and coaxing the boy’s lips apart. There’s that taste again, the unforecasted one, one that combusts when Yifan slides his tongue into Yixing’s mouth.
He’s not sure for how long they sat there kissing, and it could be a real problem if they didn’t live in a private floor. Although Yifan suspects they would still kiss even with the threat of random people walking in on them.
-
“I’ve been scared you’d forget me these days… But then I remember I’m the only one who can make you forget” eyes trained down the smile stretching Yixing’s lips look merely unreal to Yifan.
“I won’t forget you” he assures.
The sky is astonishing tonight, and from where they lie on the dusty balcony floor at the company’s building they can see an infinity of stars sprinkling the navy blue ceiling. Yifan wonders if by any change they can fall, and if it would hurt when they hit the ground.
“Things will get hard” Yixing points out.
“We’ll overcome it”
“You’ll get sick of me”
Letting out a soft chuckle, Yifan lies on his side so he’s facing Yixing. “Then I’ll heal”
-
Yifan missed the bright cityscape and astonishing lights of Guangzhou when he was in Canada. There was this privileged place downtown - a bench on the top of an averagely high building - and no one seemed to know about it but Yifan. He used to sit on this bench and observe the cityscape, all the lights and colors it provided, the tiny ant-like people walking on the streets, all kinds of people. Kids wearing rain boots holding colorful umbrellas, business men carrying the weight of the world in their briefcases, mothers, grandmothers, uncles. Rushing from all directions, in a hurry to get home. Sometimes Yifan pitied them for being in such a rush; their will to get home nullified the pleasure of looking around and noticing what a beautiful scenery they were walking on. Yifan never committed such mistake.
Of course Canada has lots of skyscrapers and a whole lot of city lights too, but it was never the same. The contentment sitting on that bench in Guangzhou gives him is unequaled, and every time he returns home there’s something new and exciting to be seen.
Now he sits at the same spot he used to, and surprisingly his focus isn’t on the cityscape. There’s a small boy sitting next to him and Yifan simply can’t look away from how his eyes reflect the lights, all the colors taking Yifan’s breath away.
“It’s beautiful,” Yixing says. “I wish we had schedules here more often”
“Me too, but now I’m here I’ve come to realize I don’t miss this as much as I did before. I used to come here to feel something. Anything.” Yifan shrugs. “I guess I’m not searching anymore”
“Did you find whatever you’re looking for?” Yixing questions, turning to face Yifan for the first time since sitting on this very bench.
Yifan sighs, thinking that there’s no better answer to this question than a kiss.
-
You never know when a tragedy will happen. Since early days, you learn to expect them, for you never know when one will strike. Life prepares you to lose the ones you love, and yet when it happens you just lose your senses and don’t know what to do.
Everything was normal the morning they came back to Korea. Kyungsoo was beating the hell out of Junmyeon, Sehun and Zitao’s were giggling on a corner. Just a normal day. They had three hours till their next schedule, so Yifan decided to comply with Yixing’s wish of having ice cream. They were almost getting to the ice cream shop when Yifan’s phone ringed.
Baekhyun’s father passed away - said Jongdae’s message.
A terrible car accident happened while they traveled from China to Korea and Baekhyun’s father was a fatal victim.
Yifan never knows what to say when a friend loses a loved one; he thinks sometimes his fear of saying something wrong surpasses the pain of the moment - quite selfish, he knows. He just can’t help it. So Yifan tries to find the right words on the way back.
When they get to the dorm, Yifan isn’t expecting the scene that welcomes him.
Baekhyun is on the floor, arms held by one crying Junmyeon and Jongdae wiping dried tear streaks off his cheek. He’s not crying, he looks numb if anything. All eyes turn to look at Yifan and Yixing but Baekhyun’s. No one speaks a word.
Sehun sits silently at the couch with Zitao clinging to his arm; Jongin walks in circles while speaking at the phone; Luhan soothes Minseok’s back and Chanyeol stands in a corner hugging himself, eyes down casted. Yifan doesn’t think he’s ever witnessed such a horrid atmosphere.
“Hey,” Yixing takes a few steps towards Baekhyun and crouches, managing to stay at the same eyelevel as the one on the ground. Baekhyun’s eyes move, coming to face Yixing. “I’m… So sorry Baek. These are awful news, I’m sorry”
For a moment, Yifan thinks Baekhyun can’t assimilate the words Yixing just said, but little by little, recognition washes over and he sighs before speaking “Yixing,”
Yixing smiles the weakest and saddest smile Yifan’s ever seen. He reaches for Baekhyun’s arm and rubs a few knuckles, caressing.
“Yixing,” Baekhyun repeats, a little more assured now. He blinks, mismatched breathing making him seem a little confused. “Yixing, I…”
“I’m here, Baek” Yixing says.
Junmyeon works in settling Baekhyun down, for the boy tries to get up. The picture is slowly changing. It starts with Baekhyun crying. It’s like everyone’s been waiting for this moment; ready to act as soon as the first tear roll down and when it does, everyone stands up.
“Yixing, I did a terrible thing” Baekhyun cries. “I’ve been terrible,”
“What’s he talking about?” Sehun asks from where he stands behind Jongdae.
“He just lost his father”
Junmyeon shushes them and turns back to Baekhyun, who’s now trying to reach for Yixing, fingertips touching the fabric of Yixing’s shirt, tears rolling freely down his face. It’s agonizing to watch, Junmyeon and Jongdae are refraining a fraught-looking Baekhyun from getting to Yixing, which is apparently everything he needs.
“I’m here,” Yixing says, forcing Junmyeon to step aside so he can approach Baekhyun. Yixing interlaces his fingers with Baekhyun’s.
“I’m the monster, Yixing” Baekhyun manages to utter between hiccups and cries. “I’m so sorry, you’re not… You’re… My friend, I should never-”
“It’s ok, Baek. Really” Yixing caresses Baekhyun’s face in attempt to calm him down.
“I’ve been so terrible to him,” suddenly, Baekhyun is standing up. Yixing quickly follows. “You know right? You know everything, I told you. I told you how awful I was, all the things I said to him. I was wrong, Yixing. So-” Baekhyun’s voice breaks midsentence, and all the words just slip away from him. His beautiful, bright face is contorted by anguish, and the tears rolling down his face change his features to an unusual pattern. Yifan’s never seen that boy so broken.
“What’s happening?” Yifan listens to Jongin’s whisper followed by a rushed shush.
“Yixing, help me. Please, you- you’ve got to… You…” Baekhyun supplicates, grasping at Yixing’s shirt as if letting go would make the boy disappear. He looks desperate.
Yifan understands what he means right on the spot. But Baekhyun can’t be serious, he can’t possibly wish for Yixing to erase his memory. Not for this, not like this.
For the first time, Yifan turns to look at Yixing. The boy looks terrified, like someone just asked him to be killed. Slowly, his head starts to shake in denial, and Baekhyun cradles his face with both hands, eyebrows furrowed with determination. It’s his ultimate appeal.
“Please” he repeats, eyes incredibly certain to be that watery. “I don’t want to feel this anymore, please”
“Baekhyun,” Yixing starts, eyes wide with desperation as he tries to get away from Baekhyun’s firm grip. “I… I can’t… You can’t ask me to…”
“Please Yixing. I know what I did wrong, and that’s killing me. I’m selfish and so stupid, but…” it’s a seemingly herculean effort for Yixing to hold back his tears. “But I don’t want to remember anymore. Please help me.”
“What’s happening?” Zitao’s voice sounds from afar.
Jongdae, who’s been watching with clinical eyes and furrowed eyebrows, steps closer with caution “Baek…”
“I’m sorry, I can’t” Yixing answers.
“No! You don’t understand, I can’t live with this! What I did to him… After everything I…”
“Yixing” Yifan says, deciding that he should have a saying in this. He takes thoughtful steps towards the boys; Yixing looks up at him and Yifan can see his eyes are watery too. “Do it. You’re the only one who can help him”
“Will someone tell the rest of us what the fuck is going on?”
Yixing doesn’t like the idea. Turning to Yifan with supplicant eyes, he silently begs while shaking his head. Please don’t.
Yifan can see he’s afraid. He’s afraid because there are eleven pairs of eyes on him, eleven ones right to judge from the spot as soon as he does whatever Baekhyun wants him to do. Yifan engulfs him in a soft hug, soothing over Yixing’s head and back and face, then sliding hands to touch his cheeks. He doesn’t care if a thousand eyes are watching them, neither should Yixing.
“It’s ok, Xing” Yifan whispers. “Help him”
Yixing sighs and touches Yifan’s forearm before wrapping both his arms around the taller. He buries his face on Yifan’s chest and inhales. Yifan can feel him trembling.
He trembles, but nods. Slightly, but a nod still. So Yifan releases him from the hug, smiling in assurance as Yixing steps towards Baekhyun (who’s now nested into Jongdae’s arms).
Strangely, Jongdae studies Yixing suspiciously.
“Step away” Yixing commands. Yifan is pretty sure he said more out of habit than anything else, but Jongdae isn’t sure of it. Jongdae, actually, doesn’t know a thing.
“No,” he challenges. “You step away”
“Jongdae” Baekhyun tries in a weak voice.
“What are you trying to do to him?”
Yixing doesn’t answer.
“It’s fine, Dae-ah” Baekhyun says, turning to Jongdae in attempt to offer this pathetically wrecked smile, it doesn’t even look like a smile, but it’s enough to convince Jongdae. He unwraps his arms of Baekhyun, watching carefully for the other as he walks towards Yixing.
It’s tense. Yifan takes a look around the room and all he sees are wide eyes and slacked-open mouths. They don’t even know what’s happening, but watch intently as if the end of the world was about to kick off. Maybe the whole dramatics of the moment, maybe the way Jongdae reacted to it. Maybe how desperately Baekhyun begged for Yixing’s help.
“Thank you” Baekhyun says when he finally gets to Yixing, allowing the other to place both hands over his temples. Yifan’s never seen it happen before - at least not that he could remember -, and holds his breath as he sees Yixing close his eyes, and consequently, Baekhyun close his.
It only takes a matter of seconds in which Yixing furrows his eyebrows in concentration and inhales deeply. Baekhyun opens his mouth like he’s about to say something, maybe call out for someone, but as quick as it opens, it closes. And then Yixing is removing his hands.
Two handfuls of graphite-colored dust comes along, stretching from Baekhyun’s temples like meteorites. When Baekhyun falls, body unconsciously limp, the graphite dust vanishes midair.
It’s immediate.
Everyone is rushing to the fallen one, maneuvering him carefully. Jongdae is the first to hiss at Yixing, trying to confront him by shaking his shoulders and yelling at the top of his lungs. Yifan hardly thinks that’s the way the human population should argue, so he protects Yixing by shielding him, putting himself between him and that particularly raging Jongdae.
“He’s gonna be fine soon, I swear!” Yixing assures, but Yifan is pretty sure right now Jongdae’s mind is completely black.
-
Baekhyun’s family got a car to pick him up, and as soon as he stated his friend was ok, Yixing left the apartment without saying a single word. Yifan figures he needs some time too, and that’s only fair considering what he’s just done.
Apparently, Baekhyun and his father had been through a tough time of lots of arguments and regretful sayings. Knowing his last words to his father were ‘Please don’t bother me anymore’ was killing him with each passing hour, and the only solution the boy saw was to completely escape from the memory - have it definitely wiped out from his system.
When he woke up, Baekhyun didn’t look any better. He looked sad, and dejected, and devastated and so utterly broken that Yifan seriously considered Yixing’s mojo to have failed. Then he remembered Baekhyun had lost his father. And that memory was still intact.
To get the members used to the idea of Yixing’s abilities wasn’t as hard as he thought it would be. Maybe the fact that they all witnessed the occurring and had the undeniable proof. Someone just don’t pour graphite dust out of other’s head out of nowhere afterall.
“Have you always known this?” Jongdae questions. Now he looks apologetic.
“No. He struggled with this alone for a long time.” Yifan sighs. “It’s only a couple of months ago that I found out”
Silence reigns in the room for a while. It’s like no one breathes, no one blinks and no one thinks.
Until Sehun decides to break the silence. “What about Baekhyun? He’s not going to remember a thing, so what do we do? Do we not mention the past few weeks he spent with his father? Is he just not going to remember it all?”
However, silence reigns again for no one holds the answer.
When Yixing returns, there is no one in the living room but Yifan. The boy lets his body fall onto the couch and takes a deep breath.
“How was it?” he asks. “Did they ask too much?”
Yifan snorts. “Yes, they did. At some point I thought they were going to ask me the lotto numbers”
“I’m sorry I left” Yixing turns on his side to face Yifan, eyes deeply apologetic yet tired. “I couldn’t deal with the way Jongdae was looking at me; I thought he was going to kill me”
“He was just worried for Baekhyun. Once I explained everything he felt really bad for treating you that way.”
“I don’t blame him,” Yixing closed his eyes. “He’s clearly in love with Baekhyun, I guess he freaked out”
Yifan chuckles, using his fingers to brush Yixing’s bangs from his forehead tenderly, watching with mild admiration the boy slowly opening his eyes and acknowledging his presence. To see Yixing’s smile might be one of his favorites pastimes.
They’re almost kissing when nine people approach them very horde-like, all together, one never leaving the other’s side. Yixing and Yifan both look up from their spot on the couch, confused by the group approach.
Jongdae is a front, so he clears his throat before speaking.
“Hi Yixing,” he scratches his cheek, blushing. “I just… Wanted to say I’m sorry for acting like that. I lost my mind; I shouldn’t have unleashed hell on you”
There’s a soft laugh in the middle of the flock followed by a rushed “Shut up Zitao!” and “But he said unleashed hell!”.
Yixing laughs one of those silent laughs that makes his dimple pronounced and paints the word adorable all over his face. You can’t hate Yixing when he’s laughing like this.
“It’s ok, don’t worry” he says and Jongdae nods, stepping aside like his part is complete. It probably is, ‘cause next thing Junmyeon is speaking.
“We know what you did for Baekhyun,” he starts. “Although it will be very difficult for him, now he gets the chance to deal with it in a bit easier way.”
Chanyeol takes a step forward and Yifan notices he’s got the unicorn doll a fan gave Yixing during MAMA promotions.
“To prove we support you no matter what distant and creepy planet you come from,” Chanyeol says and Zitao laughs again.
“I’m human” Yixing protests.
“We brought you this unicorn” Chanyeol then offers the pink and purple doll that’s been wandering around their dorm because Yixing wouldn’t give the thing a residence in his room under the excuse of not standing these sorts of quadrupeds.
Yixing squints at each one of them like they’re playing a prank and a dancing imp will jump from the unicorn. An incredibly small imp.
“But… This can’t be considered a gift. It was mine way before it landed on your hands”
Chanyeol rolls his eyes “Details,” and pushes the doll towards Yixing “What really matters is that we’ll try to act like you’re normal”
“I am normal”
“Sure, Loki”
-
What are you thinking, Yifan wants to ask. Tell me what’s on your mind. I bet it’s something incredible.
Something about Zhang Yixing makes anxiety climbs up Yifan’s body and heat claws at his skin. Yifan knows a lot about Yixing; he knows that he’s from Changsha, and that he possesses this sick musical intelligence - a genius, truly -; he also knows Yixing hates unicorns, but pities them whenever Kyungsoo throws them at the ground and steps on them just to get his daily dose of evil. Yifan also knows about that thing he can do with his hands; and also about the fairy dust that can erase people’s memories. But most important and the one detail Yifan makes sure to remember every single day is that he knows Zhang Yixing loves him. Him, and no one else.
So the question Yifan’s been meaning to ask for so long is made.
“What are you thinking?” and to his surprise, Yixing is the one asking it, caressing Yifan’s arm while they wait in line for check-in. There’s a lot of people watching them, but they never cared for it anyway. None of them ever did.
“I’m thinking about you” Yifan says, earning a snort and a mocking laugh from Yixing. “It’s true!”
“I know it is, but you’re so cheesy! Did you really have to say it?”
“But you asked!”
“Should have lied!”
Yifan thinks that the best thing about Yixing is the way he smiles, mouth shyly stretching across his face and dimple making itself noticeable. His eyes smile along, and that’s the best part. Perhaps that’s about Yixing that makes Yifan perish and succumb and fall to the ground in a big messy pile of disposable ashes. Perhaps there’s so much more about Yixing, so much Yifan will never be able to make a list.
Now is a good example. There he is, laughing behind his hand and it’s so surprising that Yixing’s never been told before how attractive and gorgeous and mesmerizing he is.
Yifan runs a hand through Yixing’s hair, ceasing the boy’s laughter gradually. You delight me, you fascinating thing, he wants to say.