Not Really Part 13: June 11 2014 - June 13, 2014
A/N: No, this isn't a joke. This is the Part 13 we were working on, and since it's now clear there won't be any more, it's getting posted up for any of you who are still watching the comm. Please bear in mind that this is not proof-read to our normal standards, and thanks for reading.
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Slavedriver" , "Muffinman"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: SHIPWIDE ANNOUNCEMENT;
so um. movie night. friday night. i know i promised we'd see Moulin Rouge, and i know you guys have been waiting for this since there's no yoochun to sob through the whole movie, but um.
i think i have to pass.
i've got things to do >>
very, very apologetic,
susu.
Sent from my iPhone
--
From: theleadersshi@gmail.com
To: "Satine"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: , "Muffinman"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: HEY WHY AM I SATINE I *REFUSE* TO BE SATINE SATINE DOES NOT DUMP PEOPLE OVER EMAIL.
so what are the chances you guys are not gonna jump me with questions if i tell you this in person?
Sent from my iPhone
--
From: theleadersshi@gmail.com
To: "Satine"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: Yoochun's the emo writer
Tell us what?
--
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Slavedriver" , "Muffinman"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: well, that's given. he does write emo notes late in the niiiiight. and angsts all over the place :(
uh.
i've got uh. a private... social... thing... on friday night?
withagirl?
Sent from my iPhone
--
From: theleadersshi@gmail.com
To: "Satine"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: At least you're not the Duke?
YOU'RE DUMPING US FOR A GIRL.
--
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Unreliable"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: Re: well, that's given. he does write emo notes late in the niiiiight. and angsts all over the place :(
... :| Of course. Why did I have a feeling you'd flake on us?
"private social thing"? What, you mean A DATE? Just say what it is, hyung. And what girl are you ditching your friends for anyway?
Changmin
-----
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Slavedriver" , "Muffinman"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: at least duke is a badass :(
obviously a cute one :(
Sent from my iPhone
---
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Unreliable"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: Re: at least duke is a badass :(
And that still doesn't soften the blow.
Changmin
---
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Slavedriver"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: Re: at least duke is a badass :(
asdjkfhd i'm sorry! i promise i won't needlessly ... needle you when you go on your own date!
Sent from my iPhone
---
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Unreliable"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: Re: at least duke is a badass :(
I'm sure. :| If that's the best you can do to make up for ditching us (cabaret actors included), then I guess I can accept it.
Changmin
---
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Slavedriver"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: ...
that's it?
really?
no threats no indignant cry of unfairness no nothing?
changmin, are you okay?
Sent from my iPhone
---
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Unreliable"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: Re: ...
Don't try your luck, hyung. Are you wanting me to make a big deal about YOUR DATE?
Changmin
---
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Slavedriver"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: re: ...
nonono! usually you're more an extortionist is all >>
Sent from my iPhone
---
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Unreliable"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: Changing up my strategy is my best strategy.
And you think I don't already have some underhanded scheme in mind?
:)
Changmin
---
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Slavedriver"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: ............ D:
SEE SEE I KNEW IT pfeh whatever i know yunho-hyung will see reason :(
Sent from my iPhone
---
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Dr. Seuss Scholar"
Date: Thurs, June 12, 2014 at 6:57 PM
Subject: (Late) news from the homefront.
You have the patience and attention span of a gnat. So I won't waste your time with pleasantries. (Thank me later. I accept gifts via next day air.)
Have you heard about Junsu-hyung yet?
Changmin
--
From: virginiapark@gmail.com
To: "Doogie Howser"
Date: Thurs, June 12, 2014 at 8:48AM
Subject: This is so like you.
One, I demand evidence for this. Two, --
If it's about his body odor, I've been hearing about it every day. If it's something else, TELL ME. Did they dye his hair red again except now he looks like a clown? That'll suit him -- big ass needs big feet to balance things out.
YC
PS: I send you an air kiss.
--
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Dr. Seuss Scholar"
Date: Fri, June 13, 2014 at 12:13 AM
Subject: Re: This is so like you.
Clever. Ever thought of you and Junsu-hyung pairing up and combining your comedic talents?
To look like a clown, he'd have to raid your wardrobe next. But no, none of that.
Kim Junsu has a date.
Changmin
P.S. That's really touching, but I'm talking about something more tangible than that. Besides, have you even brushed your teeth yet?
--
From: virginiapark@gmail.com
To: "Doogie Howser"
Date: Thurs, June 12, 2014 at 9:19AM
Subject: Re: This is so like you.
Sorry, I'd write a bunch of comebacks but
KIM JUNSU HAS A DATE? WITH A GIRL?! A REAL, LIVE GIRL?! Oh my god. Okay hold on I need to wake up hyung 'cause this is. Ohhhhh my god. SHUT UP IS THIS A JOKE. KIM JUNSU IS GOING TO GET LAID. SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY.
iegndkfljeighldkjf
--
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Dr. Seuss Scholar"
Date: Fri, June 13, 2014 at 12:26 AM
Subject: This is better than your morning coffee.
Really? Laid? Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves, hyung! No real details as of now, but he did talk about a girl who's going to be in his next video maybe no less than two days ago?
And he blushed. He blushed and stammered.
So. Start making your bets.
Changmin
P.S. If Jaejoong-hyung is reading this -- that was one of the better wake-up calls, right?
--
From: virginiapark@gmail.com
To: "Doogie Howser"
Date: Thurs, June 12, 2014 at 9:35AM
Subject: Re: This is better than your morning coffee
Okay if he doesn't get laid they're going to have to make a sequel to The 40 Year Old Virgin called The 45 Year Old Virgin starring Kim Junsu, directed & produced by Kim Junsu, screenplay by Kim Junsu, etc etc etc.
IN OTHER WORDS, HE IS GETTING LAID. And you and Yunho-hyung are going to make sure that happens. Shove condoms in all his pockets. I know you have boxes and boxes of unused ones in your room, Changmin-ah.
YC
PS: HOW DARE KIM JUNSU SCHEDULE HIS DEFLOWERING WHILE I AM ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLOBE. WHO IS GOING TO BE THERE TO SUPPLY HIM WITH PRACTICE CONDOMS AND BANANAS. WHAT IF HE TRIES TO FUCK HER BELLYBUTTON. HOW CAN TWO PEOPLE HARRASS HIM ABOUT THIS AS THOROUGHLY AS FOUR PEOPLE CAN. brb we are catching the next flight back to seoul - kjj
--
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Dr. Seuss Scholar"
Date: Fri, June 13, 2014 at 12:41 AM
Subject: Re: This is better than your morning coffee
Original score by Kim Junsu. Musical adaptation by Kim Junsu. ...That's actually a terrifying thought. I still have to sleep tonight.
Hyung, get your facts straight. Unused because I'm economical and steal yours and also buy in bulk since they go through my fingers like water. But sure. Me and Yunho-hyung will organize an undercover operation. Objective: Get Kim Junsu laid. It should be the plot of a Mission Impossible IV. Most suspenseful.
Changmin
--
From: virginiapark@gmail.com
To: "Doogie Howser"
Date: Thurs, June 12, 2014 at 9:50AM
Subject: Re: This is better than your morning coffee
I can take care of musical adaptation. Maybe I can get in touch with the 72 Virgins. Everyone loves a bit of irony with their soundtrack, right?
God, you kleptomaniac whore. Now you owe me 2 crab (the CRUSTACEAN. And COOKED.) feasts. Also I'm Tom Cruise right? I know he went psycho way back when but M:I was still a good era.
YC
--
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Dr. Seus Scholar"
Date: Fri, June 13, 2014 at 12:55 AM
Subject: Re: This is better than your morning coffee
Somehow you've made this already horrifying musical concept about a thousand times more horrifying.
Smart of you to specify. But I wonder. Would you reject the ONE crab feast I fix up for you if I don't give you two? Didn't think so. And you're the actor who plays the antagonist that gets killed in the end. Even psychotic Tom Cruise is too good for you.
Changmin
--
From: virginiapark@gmail.com
To: "Doogie Howser"
Date: Thurs, June 12, 2014 at 10:02AM
Subject: Re: This is better than your morning coffee
Now this is better than my morning coffee. :D
I'd annoy you until you made the second one and you know that's not an empty promise. And screw you, I'm made for that mission impossible 007 spy crap. Shaken -- not stirred. Also I am badass with a gun. Remember the Mirotic tour? I owned that video.
YC
--
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Dr. Seuss Scholar"
Date: Fri, June 13, 2014 at 1:10 AM
Subject: Re: This is better than your morning coffee
Happy to serve, hyung. Really.
Confident, aren't we. Well good luck with that. And the hell are you talking about? That skit? That skit of a performance you did? Please. Plus, you can be a badass villain or hero with a gun and still die with the best of them.
Changmin
---
June 12, 2014, 6:38PM, Glenwood Springs, CO, The Hotel Denver
"Here are your keys, Mr. Park. We've booked you in one of our Colorado Rooms so you'll just want to go around the corner here and take the elevator up to the 3rd floor," Stacy the receptionist with a fairly low-cut blouse says, sliding over the set of keys and a copy of the hotel's floorplan with their room circled. "Do you have any questions?"
"Um. Is there a restaurant close?"
Stacy the receptionist takes out another map and starts circling again. "There's quite a few options nearby on this street, this street, or this one. Otherwise, I would recommend the Glenwood Canyon Brew Pub located right behind you there with our award-winning beer, great food, and we're holding a junior amateur talent contest at eight o'clock." She beams at them and somehow her standing looks no less scandalous than when she was leaning over. "Anything else?"
Yoochun smiles politely and shakes his head.
"Okay, enjoy your stay!"
As they walk away, Yoochun says to Jaejoong, "Does Colorado not have dress codes?"
"Her bra was cute," Jaejoong says, still distracted.
Yoochun presses the button for the elevator, then shrugs and makes a sound of agreement. "Yeah, I guess the lace wasn't overdone."
Jaejoong tugs Yoochun into the elevator once it arrives, continuing, "It really didn't need to be a push-up though."
"Right? She looked like she was already a C-cup," Yoochun says, pushing the button for third floor. "Why mess with something good?"
"Mmhm," Jaejoong says. He rocks on his feet and prepares to jump when the elevator stops. "So are we saying seven out of ten? Seven point five?"
"Tried too hard, so seven." Yoochun rolls his eyes when Jaejoong jumps. "You're so childish," he says, and presses all the call buttons as they exit.
"You're a jerk," Jaejoong answers. "I heard Stacy the receptionist say beer."
"Yeah," Yoochun says absently, looking down at their room number and then the doors lining the hallway. "Do you just want to eat downstairs then? They're having some talent contest too."
Jaejoong lights up. "Yoochun. Yoochun."
Yoochun unlocks their door and pushes it open. "I don't want to know-- Oh. My god. What the fuck is this shit?"
"Are those brick walls? Are there brick walls in our hotel room?"
"Is that one four poster bed and a quilt that's decorated with an assortment of pies?"
Pause. "Those are yummy looking pies."
Yoochun looks at Jaejoong flatly. "Well, you can make best friends with it later," he says, dragging his suitcase by the dresser that looks about 150 years old. "I'll take the couch."
Jaejoong sits on the edge of the bed, testing the bounciness. "Sure? I mean, I can take the couch."
"Don't want you to strain your back, old man," Yoochun says, plopping down to lie on the couch. So his feet stick over the end and the arm rest is digging into skull -- it's nothing a few pillows won't fix.
"Fine, be a masochist," Jaejoong mumbles, and sprawls himself over the entire bed so there's no room for Yoochun anyway.
Even though Yoochun volunteered for the couch, that was for sleeping, so there's nothing keeping him from bugging the hell out of Jaejoong now. Which is exactly what he does, walking over and crawling onto the bed before lying directly on top of Jaejoong.
Jaejoong groans dramatically and digs all his elbows and knees into Yoochun, which hurts but sometimes comfort needs to be sacrificed. "God, I already told you: only with lots of alcohol and a blonde wig."
"If you want it so bad, you can go and buy me a blonde wig," Yoochun says, reaching up and back to purposely mess up Jaejoong's hair. "I am not funding this relationship by myself. It's the 21st century and we're going dutch."
Jaejoong makes an offended noise and blows the hair out of his eyes unsuccessfully. "Chivalry is so dead," he says, and then, "We should do that talent contest thing."
Yoochun slides off to the side and raises an eyebrow at Jaejoong. "Seriously? What would we even do?"
Jaejoong sits up and starts fixing his hair, glancing around the room for a mirror as he says, "I dunno, sing? It'll be neat. It's been three months and half a continent since, you know."
Yoochun wants to tell Jaejoong he should say the words outloud, but realizes that he can't either, so that would be hypocritical. "Yeah, sure," he says. "Okay."
Having found the mirror, Jaejoong beams at Yoochun's reflection in it. "Okay. Great."
"I'm gonna pee," Yoochun says, getting off the bed. "Pick a song." He reaches over and messes up Jaejoong's hair again, then disappears into the bathroom, not waiting to see Jaejoong's reaction.
---
Glenwood Canyon Brew Pub, 7:08PM
After they're seated, the waitress gives them each a menu and then a beer & wine list that is nearly as long as the menu.
"Dude." Yoochun's eyes get wider and wider as he skims the list. "Let's only order alcohol."
Jaejoong looks like he actually has to think about it. "You know, Yoochun," he says, "I think by our age, what used to be called partying is now called alcoholism."
Yoochun stares at Jaejoong for a second, then flips the beer & wine list over, shoving it in Jaejoong's face. "World Beer Cup says best beer in the world," he says emphatically. "Best. Beer."
"The only thing that matters is what Kim Jaejoong Beer Cup says," Jaejoong says, but he grabs the list anyway like some little kid on Christmas morning.
"And we're not alcoholics," Yoochun says, picking something off the menu at random. "It's not called alcoholism when you only drink the good stuff. It's refined taste."
Jaejoong does the slut-cough, except instead of coughing 'slut', he coughs 'bullshit'. He points at a spot on the beer & wine list. "I want this one. It has a lot of stars next to it."
Yoochun takes the list back, a forced smile on his face. "Sure thing, hyung. Tell me what you want for food and I'll order that for you too. Hyung."
Jaejoong makes a face at the inflections. "Whatever, I'll do it myself."
"Is this going to be like that one time with that one thing and Howey?" Yoochun says, making an equally scrunched up face, though he can't say he isn't looking forward to another episode of Kim Jaejoong Botches and Butchers the English Language.
Jaejoong unscrunches briefly. "Hey, what happened to Howey?"
"He deflated and is somewhere on the floor of our car," Yoochun says.
Jaejoong sighs and chews on his bottom lip, and then the inside of his cheek, and then his thumb, and then steals the beer & wine list back, because apparently the death of Howey is worth ordering beer on his own for.
Yoochun keeps his laughter (mostly) to himself and takes a second to look around. He blinks at how many kids are around, even if the place was hotel owned and meant lots of tourists. "Are we the only legal ones in here?"
Jaejoong glances up and points at a girl who must be Stacy the receptionist's cousin, Tracy the waitress. "There's her."
Turning the other way, Yoochun tilts his head to the side as he studies Tracy the waitress. "See, now that's overdoing the lace."
Jaejoong laughs into his glass of water and waves Tracy the waitress over with a bright smile so they can order and also study her bra from a closer distance.
---
Employees start setting up the stage right as Yoochun and Jaejoong finish eating. Everything looks really miniature: the stool is maybe 3ft high and the microphone stand isn't much taller. Off to the side is an upright piano and Yoochun says, "Thank god I get the bench."
Jaejoong isn't paying attention to the right things. "Do we really get a pony if we win?"
"I think so," Yoochun says, pointing across the room to where a bunch of kids that all look like they're still under 10 are crowded around a giant stuffed animal pony. "Don't tell me that's your new motivation."
"It's not like I had any old motivation," Jaejoong says, and pauses. "Unless Scarlett wants to give us free beer." Turns out Tracy the waitress' real name is Scarlett, which made the overdone lace thing make much more sense.
"Do you think complimenting her underwear would help with that?" Yoochun says.
"Maybe if we sing about it," Jaejoong says.
Yoochun looks at Jaejoong carefully. "About the merits of free beer or lacey underwear?"
Jaejoong thinks about that. "Being served free beer by lacey underwear."
It's clear Yoochun's slightly inebriated when he says, "That's dumb. Underwear doesn't have hands."
"If lacey underwear had hands, I bet they'd be pretty hands," Jaejoong muses.
"But itchy."
"Why can't you let me have nice things."
Yoochun holds his hands up. "If you want to experiment with women's lingerie, no one's stopping you. Just don't do it in front of me and don't complain when you start chafing."
"Oh please," Jaejoong says. "You'd totally want to watch."
"That's gross," Yoochun says, making a deeply disturbed face. "Don't involve me in your fantasies."
Jaejoong waves it off, his eyes on the stage. "Blah blah blah. All I hear is you lying to yourself. Is it our turn yet? This little girl sucks."
"Is this how you're going to treat your kids if their voices turn out less than stellar?" Yoochun says. Though the girl does suck and coupled with her overzealous parents, it's making for an all-around awkward atmosphere. "I think we're next. Maybe? Probably. I think."
"Great. Awesome." Jaejoong raises his beer, clearly urging Yoochun to do the same. "A toast to what's soon to be our new pony."
Yoochun clinks his glass against Jaejoong's, but says before drinking, "You're really fixated on getting that pony. Are there childhood issues we should address?"
Jaejoong's mouth lingers at the rim of his glass mock-thoughtfully. "I was never hugged enough as a child?"
"Huh." Yoochun snaps and points at Jaejoong. "Even though you're just making shit up, that would actually explain a lot."
Jaejoong puts his glass down so he can open his arms in invitation, saying brightly, "Well it's never too late to start."
Yoochun stares at Jaejoong for a second, then decides what the hell, why not? He's in the middle of standing up when the host says something that sounds like their names if their names had been trampled by a stampede of wildebeest, flattened by a bulldozer, and then used to scrap gum off the bottom of some tables. "I... think that's us?"
"Huh," Jaejoong says, looking doubtful. He slides out of his chair. "Okay. Come on, Park Yoochoon."
"After you, Kim Jaejooing," Yoochun says, extending his arm out. Jaejoong grabs onto it and pulls him onto the stage.
It's only after Jaejoong starts messing with the microphone stand that Yoochun realizes everyone's staring at them weird, including the host, who was clearly a waiter that got harassed into the job.
"You're...?"
"Jaejoong and Yoochun...?" Yoochun says.
"You two aren't under 12."
Yoochun resists the urge to say 'duh'. "Is this a kid contest?" he says, laughing because it's a joke until he realizes that's exactly what this is. This is now more awkward than the sucky girl with the pageant parents. "Oh."
"Sorry, man. Rules," the host says, shrugging.
Yoochun nods and turns around, all set to tell Jaejoong the situation except Jaejoong's sitting on the stool and looking back at him with a smile that Yoochun hasn't seen in months. On the inside, he throws a tantrum about how hard his life is, but on the outside he goes over to Jaejoong and says, "Okay, we have a problem, but I can fix it so if you could act like you're dying, that'd be great."
Jaejoong blinks at him, opens his mouth, and then shuts it when he sees the host from over Yoochun's shoulder. All of a sudden his posture slumps, and he bites his lip as he tugs anxiously on his own sleeves. His eyes get sad and bigger. Yoochun is pretty sure it's the freakiest shit he's ever seen, so he opts to stand behind Jaejoong rather than look at it any longer.
"Sir, my friend. He's very, very sick," Yoochun says, resting his hands on Jaejoong's shoulder. He pauses to mouth very deliberately 'DYING' while squeezing one of Jaejoong's shoulders, hoping that's enough of a signal. On cue, Jaejoong coughs and wheezes and the host's face loses some color -- Yoochun's pleased. "I promised I'd take him somewhere where he could sing for an audience and win a pony before he gets locked up in a hospital room with tubes and needles and bedpans." It's surprising how easy lying comes to him when he's tipsy. "Jaejoong's my best friend and I've never broken a promise to him. Don't make me start now."
If the host still had any doubt, it's gone as soon as Jaejoong reaches out to catch the hem of Yoochun's shirt, and says, with those big, big eyes, "I'm glad to be with you, Yoochun, here at the end of all things."
For a second, Yoochun almost believes Jaejoong's being genuine, but then he realizes Jaejoong's quoting Lord of the Rings. The host's voice snaps him out of it, telling them they can do whatever they want before he walks off sniffling. Yoochun beams and stands, messing up Jaejoong's hair. "You're on, rockstar," he says, and goes to sit at the piano.
"You need to stop doing that," Jaejoong complains, smoothing out his hair, but that smile from before is back as he faces the buzzing audience again. He puts both hands on the mic and says into it sweetly, "This is for Scarlett."
Beer slut, Yoochun thinks.
It takes a few seconds for Yoochun's hands to get used to the feel of piano keys again, the weight of them. He plays a few chords, then transitions into the opening melody of Insa. He glances at Jaejoong's profile over the top of the piano, trying to figure out the feeling of not missing something until you see it again. Jaejoong isn't looking back, but Yoochun's not worried. This is something he doesn't have to get used to: Jaejoong gone to that place where it doesn't matter that he's singing to a busty waitress and fifth graders and their unhappy parents. After three months and half a continent, everything's a concert arena.
Yoochun sings along under the cover of Jaejoong's voice and the piano, though he still feels out of his element without the screaming fans and lights and spinning stage. It might be the first time he's actually heard himself sing this song; in hindsight, he thinks maybe they should have picked something less ironic.
There are these five seconds once they reach Yoochun's piano solo that Jaejoong goes still. Then he shakes himself out of it, and his hands slide off the mic and into his lap as he waits for the end of the song, turning in the stool to finally face Yoochun.
If Yoochun's smile is a little watery, Jaejoong is doing a good job of not rolling his eyes at it, which Yoochun is grateful for since private and public ridicule are two very different things. They bow at the front to a decent amount of applause considering they just sabotaged a children's contest.
"Nice job, rockstar," Yoochun says, and drapes his arm over Jaejoong's shoulders on their way back to the table.
"You too," Jaejoong says. He remembers to cough weakly and let his hair fall in his face when they pass the host.
"You really didn't get hugged enough as a child," Yoochun says, giving Jaejoong a quick one before they sit down. "For earlier."
Jaejoong says, "What the hell, that was the wimpiest hug in the world," and scoots his chair around the table until he can latch his arms around Yoochun's properly. "So I was thinking about pony names."
Yoochun laughs, thinking he should probably find this weird, but doesn't at all. "Is it great?" he says. "'Cause it totally has to be the most epic name ever."
"Okay, are you ready for this?" Jaejoong takes a long pause for drama, letting go of Yoochun in the meantime. "Elvis."
Yoochun waits for the "haha, kidding, you should've seen your face" part, but it never comes. "... You're serious?"
"Yes!"
"That's not very unique," Yoochun says. "Lots of things are named Elvis."
"But lots of things aren't named Elvis Haussmann," Jaejoong says, poking Yoochun's chest. "Elvis. Haussmann. The pony. Think about that."
"You're a freak," Yoochun says, which really means he's giving in.
"Here comes Scarlett with free beer and her phone number," Jaejoong says cheerfully.
Turns out that the beer is actually free, courtesy of Jaejoong's propensity for hitting on the female sex through song, but instead of a phone number, the slip of paper in her hand is their bill. "Two out of three isn't bad," Yoochun says, counting their beer separately.
Jaejoong doesn't seem too upset, nursing his new glass. "It wouldn't have worked out anyway."
"That's what you said about the last five girls that didn't automatically offer up their numbers."
Jaejoong pouts. "Four."
"We're not counting the parking attendant?" Yoochun says. "I mean I guess she could have benefited from a hair brush, but I thought she was all right."
"She was way more into you than me," Jaejoong says. "I think her hair felt a deep connection with your hair."
Yoochun frowns. "My hair is always brushed," he says, and ends their conversation by proceeding to throw his leftover french fries at Jaejoong for the last three contestants.
---
Elvis Haussmann is taking up half of the bed, just staring at Yoochun from across the room while Jaejoong monopolizes the bathroom. This is after an entire elevator ride of Jaejoong standing in the corner, brushing Elvis's mane and feeding it a plush carrot toy. Yoochun is starting to think Jaejoong wasn't actually lying about his childhood issues.
To take his mind off of being watched by a giant stuffed animal, Yoochun curls up on the couch and flips through the postcards they got in the hotel gift shop. He maybe gets through four before giving up because he still gets the feeling of being stared at and that's even creepier.
"Hyung," Yoochun calls, "tell your pony to stop violating me."
All he hears in response is the sound of running water and a low, pleased moan.
Now things are creepy and awkward. Yoochun doesn't say anything more because the masturbation conversation hasn't happened for ten years and he's not going to start it now.
The noises go on for a few more long and uncomfortable minutes. When Jaejoong finally emerges from the bathroom, wearing clothes thank god, he dives onto the pie-clad bed with a happy sigh into the pillow.
Yoochun's silent for a little longer while Jaejoong resumes canoodling with Elvis. When Jaejoong goes to readjust the bow around Elvis's neck, he says, "So. Good shower?"
"Their shampoo is somehow awesome," Jaejoong says dreamily.
"For... your hair," Yoochun says, and even he can't tell if that was a statement or question.
Jaejoong looks at him like he's crazy. "Uh. Yeah?"
"Right, okay, yeah," Yoochun says hastily. "Anyway. Um. Tomorrow, up by 8 and leave by 9?"
"Sure, sure." Jaejoong folds his arms under his head, legs kicking in a way that he's probably not even aware of. "Are you sure you're okay with the couch?"
"I'm not jealous of your pies," Yoochun says. "I'll be fine."
"Fine, whatever." Jaejoong takes Elvis off the bed and places him on the floor with all the care in the world. "'night, Elvis Haussmann the pony."
"I can't believe you actually got the pony," Yoochun says, fluffing his pillow. He burrows underneath the spare blanket he found in the closet earlier. "I thought sucky girl was going to maim you."
"It's not my fault sucky girl sucked. Plus she probably would've named Elvis something dumb like Miss Fluffy when Elvis is obviously a man." Jaejoong's voice is muffled and quiet. "Anyway, we were good."
"Can't argue with that," Yoochun says, rolling onto one side and then the other, trying to find a comfortable position.
There's no immediate answer from Jaejoong. Then he lets out a big, exasperated sigh and says, "Oh my god, Yoochun, seriously, just get over here."
Yoochun is all set to insist some more on how he's fine, but he bangs his ankle against the wooden armrest and he's never been good with pain. Gathering his pillow and blanket, he limps over and flops unceremoniously onto the bed. "Mm, soft."
He can hear Jaejoong rolling his eyes before reaching over him to turn off the light. "G'night. Don't be a blanket hog."
Yoochun settles in, face pressed into his pillow, and the last thing he remembers saying is, "Your hair does smell nice."
---
June 13, 2014, 7:23 PM, A top secret location somewhere in Seoul
Yunho's maybe - just maybe - humming the Mission Impossible theme under his breath as they follow the waitress to a table just on the other side of a divider screen from Junsu and his date.
It gets him a sideways look from Changmin, but Yunho mostly ignores it until Changmin asks, "This is how you're psyching yourself up?"
"Yup," Yunho says, grinning back at Changmin, and then goes quiet as they get closer to Junsu's table, not wanting him to recognise their voices. That just makes it easier to overhear Junsu's conversation with his date as they take their seats - an excited, "Kamen Rider, usually. Old-school style! And Spongebob -- do you know you can get all those shows for free in Youtube?" - and Yunho nearly gives the game away by cracking up when he looks over and sees Changmin's face.
Changmin kicks Yunho's leg under the table, even though he's visibly fighting back a laugh himself, and losing. "Don't ruin this for me, hyung," he warns. "God, it's like they're finding common grounds for a future playdate or something."
Yunho bites his lip hard to hold back his laughter as Junsu reaches over the table to take the girl's hand earnestly, still talking about cartoons, and kicks Changmin right back.
"Hmm, heart-touching moment," Changmin whispers, and turns away from the sight, but not before Yunho catches the sound of an almost-laugh escaping him.
"Changmin-ah!" Yunho hisses, almost losing it all over again, digging his nails into his palms in a desperate effort to keep his face close to straight. It seems like Junsu is fiddling with the cute trainee's fingers, which could have been a sweet moment, if not for the fact that he is obviously trying to teach the girl the Vulcan hand greeting thing.
Changmin glances at Yunho, then back at the couple, and makes to get up from his seat, head shaking in what looks like defeat. "Changmin?" Yunho says again, wondering if he's really giving up, but Changmin just laughs under his breath and drops back into his chair.
"Maybe I should've been expecting it, but I wasn't prepared for any of that," he explains, hand gesture and all. "I'll be damned if I abandon the mission, though."
"That's what I like to hear," Yunho says, grinning, and reaches across the table to poke Changmin's cheek lightly. "Mission go!"
---
An hour or so later, Yunho's got his face buried in his hands and Changmin's shaking his head while pinching the bridge of his nose. "Has he seriously spent his whole date talking about us?" Yunho asks Changmin, disbelieving.
Changmin nods. "Okay, I take back everything I said about the kids' shows and sci-fi stuff," he says, solemn. "This is embarrassing. ...No. Correction: He's so embarrassing."
"Hopeless," Yunho says, smiling despite himself at the warm swell of affection he feels as Junsu shares a terrible pick-up line that Yoochun taught him - a smile which Changmin obviously ridicules with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, you would enjoy this," Changmin says in a dismissive tone of voice. Then a pause. "There's something else to that gross bit of Yoochun-hyung info I don't know about, isn't there? Wait. Yeah, I don't wanna know."
"You probably don't," Yunho agrees easily, his smile gaining an extra bit of fondness as he looks back at Changmin. On the other side of the divider, Junsu's asking for the check and dropping his wallet and making a mess of offering to pay - "since I'm your sunbae, you know".
Changmin returns the smiling, looking from his watch to Junsu and his date, not meeting Yunho's eyes again for a long moment. "Hah, 'sunbae', he says. "I wonder."
"Wonder what?"
"If he's really that oblivious or not," Changmin replies simply, eyes back on what's happening behind the divider.
Yunho laughs quietly, shrugging. "He probably is," he replies, getting out his own wallet so they'll be ready to go when Junsu is, then reaches across the table to poke at Changmin's hand when he sees him pull out his own wallet. "I'm paying," he says.
"I know. Dutiful as always." Changmin swats at Yunho's hand, and starts pulling out some cash, anyway. "Let me pay for my half; I just don't wanna have to owe you anything."
Yunho tries to frown at Changmin while keeping an eye on Junsu. "You don't," he says.
"I know that, too," Changmin says, certain, lips slightly curved. "But we should split the check, for my own peace of mind's sake."
"All right," Yunho says, laughing as he gives in. "I guess I should just be happy that you're not like him, huh?" he adds, with a wave in Junsu's direction.
Changmin scoffs. "Everybody should consider themselves lucky they aren't like that one," he says, matter-of-fact.
Yunho's got his mouth open to answer when he realises Junsu's standing. "Time to go," he says instead, waiting until Junsu and his date are walking towards the door before he stands too.
Without looking where the couple even are, Changmin makes a firm sound of acknowledgment and gets up fast. A little too fast, to judge from the loud crack as his knee meets the table edge. Yunho slaps his hand over Changmin's mouth before any more sound can make it out, looking wide-eyed over at Junsu, who's still walking, clearly not having noticed anything. "You suck at spying," he says to Changmin, very serious.
---
Yunho almost chokes on mingled laughter and disbelief when he realises that Junsu's next romantic destination of choice is the nearby park. The nearby park where there are ducks to feed.
"Seriously?" he whispers to Changmin, crouching behind a bush and peering at Junsu and his date. "Feeding ducks?"
Changmin's clearly too preoccupied with snapping a picture of what's taking place before them with his cell phone to answer for a minute. "Surprised?" he whispers back when he's done, little grin on his face as he looks at the photo. "Wasn't he the same one that was talking about cartoons and channeling Spock an hour ago, anyway?"
"I guess I shouldn't be," Yunho replies ruefully, watching them throw crumbs at the ducks and hoping he won't have to fish Junsu out of the pond again. Once was really enough for a lifetime.
Changmin tucks his phone away in a pocket, and goes back to peering through the bushes with Yunho. "Hey," he pipes up, laughing quietly, "remember that time all five of us went duck-feeding together at that one pond--Junsu-hyung's idea--and Jaejoong-hyung tried to drown himself?"
Yunho muffles his laugh in a hand. "He's such a drama queen. Should've remembered he can't swim before he decided to protest that way."
"And the water wasn't even up to his knees," Changmin says. When Yunho looks over at him, Changmin's fingers are playing with the foliage that's serving as their hiding place, and Yunho reaches across to still them in case the rustle of leaves gives them away. "Pathetic," Changmin finishes.
"Ssh," Yunho says, nudging his shoulder against Changmin's. "Didn't you take your spy lessons seriously?"
A scowl comes across Changmin's face - he's probably trying to pretend offence at the remark - but the expression lasts just a few seconds before he chuckles. "You're acting like I'm shaking the bush or something. Besides, I could've been strategically testing to see what I could get away with for all you know."
"But I bet you weren't," Yunho replies serenely, and turns his attention back to watching Junsu. The silence draws out a little longer than Yunho expects, but he resists the temptation to look over at Changmin again at the lack of retaliation, thinking he's probably just taking the high road again.
Changmin eventually does get his revenge, though, with a sharp elbow jab to Yunho's side that makes Yunho bite his lip hard on the yelp that finds its way to the tip of his tongue. "Hurts more when the expected is delayed, doesn't it?" Changmin asks lightly, and Yunho's convinced it was his plan all along.
"You're mean, Changmin-ah," Yunho says, pouting.
"Don't be unfair," Changmin replies, not acting very bothered, still looking out ahead of him.
Yunho mutters, "I'm not," digging his elbow into Changmin's side in return. That starts off a little scuffle that ends abruptly when Yunho remembers the spying thing, peeking back through the leaves to see if they've been noticed, but the ducks seem to still be taking up all of the couple's attention.
"This is boring," Changmin sighs, right after he's gone from glaring at Yunho to looking out ahead again. "Maybe you should try to get closer and find out if you can hear anything they're saying," he suggests, nudging Yunho's shoulder.
Yunho nudges back. "Why don't you?"
Changmin pushes at Yunho again, harder this time. "I thought this was a you-and-me effort," he says, laughing. "Take one for the team."
Yunho bites his lip on his own laugh, and says, "Too late," as he notices the couple turning away from the pond, heading towards the road. "C'mon, we need to follow them!"
A sigh leaves Changmin as he shifts on his feet. "Lucky for you."
"I'm very lucky," Yunho agrees, grinning at Changmin over his shoulder before he starts moving after Junsu, darting from bush to bush. He almost bursts out laughing again as he sees Junsu reach out as he passes a bougainvillea bush and grabs a handful. "Hopeless," Yunho mumbles to himself as he watches Junsu present the ragged bouquet with a flourish.
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Slavedriver" , "Muffinman"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: SHIPWIDE ANNOUNCEMENT;
so um. movie night. friday night. i know i promised we'd see Moulin Rouge, and i know you guys have been waiting for this since there's no yoochun to sob through the whole movie, but um.
i think i have to pass.
i've got things to do >>
very, very apologetic,
susu.
Sent from my iPhone
--
From: theleadersshi@gmail.com
To: "Satine"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: , "Muffinman"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: HEY WHY AM I SATINE I *REFUSE* TO BE SATINE SATINE DOES NOT DUMP PEOPLE OVER EMAIL.
so what are the chances you guys are not gonna jump me with questions if i tell you this in person?
Sent from my iPhone
--
From: theleadersshi@gmail.com
To: "Satine"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: Yoochun's the emo writer
Tell us what?
--
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Slavedriver" , "Muffinman"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: well, that's given. he does write emo notes late in the niiiiight. and angsts all over the place :(
uh.
i've got uh. a private... social... thing... on friday night?
withagirl?
Sent from my iPhone
--
From: theleadersshi@gmail.com
To: "Satine"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: At least you're not the Duke?
YOU'RE DUMPING US FOR A GIRL.
--
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Unreliable"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: Re: well, that's given. he does write emo notes late in the niiiiight. and angsts all over the place :(
... :| Of course. Why did I have a feeling you'd flake on us?
"private social thing"? What, you mean A DATE? Just say what it is, hyung. And what girl are you ditching your friends for anyway?
Changmin
-----
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Slavedriver" , "Muffinman"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: at least duke is a badass :(
obviously a cute one :(
Sent from my iPhone
---
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Unreliable"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: Re: at least duke is a badass :(
And that still doesn't soften the blow.
Changmin
---
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Slavedriver"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: Re: at least duke is a badass :(
asdjkfhd i'm sorry! i promise i won't needlessly ... needle you when you go on your own date!
Sent from my iPhone
---
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Unreliable"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: Re: at least duke is a badass :(
I'm sure. :| If that's the best you can do to make up for ditching us (cabaret actors included), then I guess I can accept it.
Changmin
---
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Slavedriver"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: ...
that's it?
really?
no threats no indignant cry of unfairness no nothing?
changmin, are you okay?
Sent from my iPhone
---
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Unreliable"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: Re: ...
Don't try your luck, hyung. Are you wanting me to make a big deal about YOUR DATE?
Changmin
---
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Slavedriver"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: re: ...
nonono! usually you're more an extortionist is all >>
Sent from my iPhone
---
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Unreliable"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: Changing up my strategy is my best strategy.
And you think I don't already have some underhanded scheme in mind?
:)
Changmin
---
From: susuyah@gmail.com
To: "Slavedriver"
Date: Wed, June 11, 2014 at
Subject: ............ D:
SEE SEE I KNEW IT pfeh whatever i know yunho-hyung will see reason :(
Sent from my iPhone
---
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Dr. Seuss Scholar"
Date: Thurs, June 12, 2014 at 6:57 PM
Subject: (Late) news from the homefront.
You have the patience and attention span of a gnat. So I won't waste your time with pleasantries. (Thank me later. I accept gifts via next day air.)
Have you heard about Junsu-hyung yet?
Changmin
--
From: virginiapark@gmail.com
To: "Doogie Howser"
Date: Thurs, June 12, 2014 at 8:48AM
Subject: This is so like you.
One, I demand evidence for this. Two, --
If it's about his body odor, I've been hearing about it every day. If it's something else, TELL ME. Did they dye his hair red again except now he looks like a clown? That'll suit him -- big ass needs big feet to balance things out.
YC
PS: I send you an air kiss.
--
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Dr. Seuss Scholar"
Date: Fri, June 13, 2014 at 12:13 AM
Subject: Re: This is so like you.
Clever. Ever thought of you and Junsu-hyung pairing up and combining your comedic talents?
To look like a clown, he'd have to raid your wardrobe next. But no, none of that.
Kim Junsu has a date.
Changmin
P.S. That's really touching, but I'm talking about something more tangible than that. Besides, have you even brushed your teeth yet?
--
From: virginiapark@gmail.com
To: "Doogie Howser"
Date: Thurs, June 12, 2014 at 9:19AM
Subject: Re: This is so like you.
Sorry, I'd write a bunch of comebacks but
KIM JUNSU HAS A DATE? WITH A GIRL?! A REAL, LIVE GIRL?! Oh my god. Okay hold on I need to wake up hyung 'cause this is. Ohhhhh my god. SHUT UP IS THIS A JOKE. KIM JUNSU IS GOING TO GET LAID. SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY.
iegndkfljeighldkjf
--
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Dr. Seuss Scholar"
Date: Fri, June 13, 2014 at 12:26 AM
Subject: This is better than your morning coffee.
Really? Laid? Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves, hyung! No real details as of now, but he did talk about a girl who's going to be in his next video maybe no less than two days ago?
And he blushed. He blushed and stammered.
So. Start making your bets.
Changmin
P.S. If Jaejoong-hyung is reading this -- that was one of the better wake-up calls, right?
--
From: virginiapark@gmail.com
To: "Doogie Howser"
Date: Thurs, June 12, 2014 at 9:35AM
Subject: Re: This is better than your morning coffee
Okay if he doesn't get laid they're going to have to make a sequel to The 40 Year Old Virgin called The 45 Year Old Virgin starring Kim Junsu, directed & produced by Kim Junsu, screenplay by Kim Junsu, etc etc etc.
IN OTHER WORDS, HE IS GETTING LAID. And you and Yunho-hyung are going to make sure that happens. Shove condoms in all his pockets. I know you have boxes and boxes of unused ones in your room, Changmin-ah.
YC
PS: HOW DARE KIM JUNSU SCHEDULE HIS DEFLOWERING WHILE I AM ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLOBE. WHO IS GOING TO BE THERE TO SUPPLY HIM WITH PRACTICE CONDOMS AND BANANAS. WHAT IF HE TRIES TO FUCK HER BELLYBUTTON. HOW CAN TWO PEOPLE HARRASS HIM ABOUT THIS AS THOROUGHLY AS FOUR PEOPLE CAN. brb we are catching the next flight back to seoul - kjj
--
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Dr. Seuss Scholar"
Date: Fri, June 13, 2014 at 12:41 AM
Subject: Re: This is better than your morning coffee
Original score by Kim Junsu. Musical adaptation by Kim Junsu. ...That's actually a terrifying thought. I still have to sleep tonight.
Hyung, get your facts straight. Unused because I'm economical and steal yours and also buy in bulk since they go through my fingers like water. But sure. Me and Yunho-hyung will organize an undercover operation. Objective: Get Kim Junsu laid. It should be the plot of a Mission Impossible IV. Most suspenseful.
Changmin
--
From: virginiapark@gmail.com
To: "Doogie Howser"
Date: Thurs, June 12, 2014 at 9:50AM
Subject: Re: This is better than your morning coffee
I can take care of musical adaptation. Maybe I can get in touch with the 72 Virgins. Everyone loves a bit of irony with their soundtrack, right?
God, you kleptomaniac whore. Now you owe me 2 crab (the CRUSTACEAN. And COOKED.) feasts. Also I'm Tom Cruise right? I know he went psycho way back when but M:I was still a good era.
YC
--
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Dr. Seus Scholar"
Date: Fri, June 13, 2014 at 12:55 AM
Subject: Re: This is better than your morning coffee
Somehow you've made this already horrifying musical concept about a thousand times more horrifying.
Smart of you to specify. But I wonder. Would you reject the ONE crab feast I fix up for you if I don't give you two? Didn't think so. And you're the actor who plays the antagonist that gets killed in the end. Even psychotic Tom Cruise is too good for you.
Changmin
--
From: virginiapark@gmail.com
To: "Doogie Howser"
Date: Thurs, June 12, 2014 at 10:02AM
Subject: Re: This is better than your morning coffee
Now this is better than my morning coffee. :D
I'd annoy you until you made the second one and you know that's not an empty promise. And screw you, I'm made for that mission impossible 007 spy crap. Shaken -- not stirred. Also I am badass with a gun. Remember the Mirotic tour? I owned that video.
YC
--
From: fourchawon@gmail.com
To: "Dr. Seuss Scholar"
Date: Fri, June 13, 2014 at 1:10 AM
Subject: Re: This is better than your morning coffee
Happy to serve, hyung. Really.
Confident, aren't we. Well good luck with that. And the hell are you talking about? That skit? That skit of a performance you did? Please. Plus, you can be a badass villain or hero with a gun and still die with the best of them.
Changmin
---
June 12, 2014, 6:38PM, Glenwood Springs, CO, The Hotel Denver
"Here are your keys, Mr. Park. We've booked you in one of our Colorado Rooms so you'll just want to go around the corner here and take the elevator up to the 3rd floor," Stacy the receptionist with a fairly low-cut blouse says, sliding over the set of keys and a copy of the hotel's floorplan with their room circled. "Do you have any questions?"
"Um. Is there a restaurant close?"
Stacy the receptionist takes out another map and starts circling again. "There's quite a few options nearby on this street, this street, or this one. Otherwise, I would recommend the Glenwood Canyon Brew Pub located right behind you there with our award-winning beer, great food, and we're holding a junior amateur talent contest at eight o'clock." She beams at them and somehow her standing looks no less scandalous than when she was leaning over. "Anything else?"
Yoochun smiles politely and shakes his head.
"Okay, enjoy your stay!"
As they walk away, Yoochun says to Jaejoong, "Does Colorado not have dress codes?"
"Her bra was cute," Jaejoong says, still distracted.
Yoochun presses the button for the elevator, then shrugs and makes a sound of agreement. "Yeah, I guess the lace wasn't overdone."
Jaejoong tugs Yoochun into the elevator once it arrives, continuing, "It really didn't need to be a push-up though."
"Right? She looked like she was already a C-cup," Yoochun says, pushing the button for third floor. "Why mess with something good?"
"Mmhm," Jaejoong says. He rocks on his feet and prepares to jump when the elevator stops. "So are we saying seven out of ten? Seven point five?"
"Tried too hard, so seven." Yoochun rolls his eyes when Jaejoong jumps. "You're so childish," he says, and presses all the call buttons as they exit.
"You're a jerk," Jaejoong answers. "I heard Stacy the receptionist say beer."
"Yeah," Yoochun says absently, looking down at their room number and then the doors lining the hallway. "Do you just want to eat downstairs then? They're having some talent contest too."
Jaejoong lights up. "Yoochun. Yoochun."
Yoochun unlocks their door and pushes it open. "I don't want to know-- Oh. My god. What the fuck is this shit?"
"Are those brick walls? Are there brick walls in our hotel room?"
"Is that one four poster bed and a quilt that's decorated with an assortment of pies?"
Pause. "Those are yummy looking pies."
Yoochun looks at Jaejoong flatly. "Well, you can make best friends with it later," he says, dragging his suitcase by the dresser that looks about 150 years old. "I'll take the couch."
Jaejoong sits on the edge of the bed, testing the bounciness. "Sure? I mean, I can take the couch."
"Don't want you to strain your back, old man," Yoochun says, plopping down to lie on the couch. So his feet stick over the end and the arm rest is digging into skull -- it's nothing a few pillows won't fix.
"Fine, be a masochist," Jaejoong mumbles, and sprawls himself over the entire bed so there's no room for Yoochun anyway.
Even though Yoochun volunteered for the couch, that was for sleeping, so there's nothing keeping him from bugging the hell out of Jaejoong now. Which is exactly what he does, walking over and crawling onto the bed before lying directly on top of Jaejoong.
Jaejoong groans dramatically and digs all his elbows and knees into Yoochun, which hurts but sometimes comfort needs to be sacrificed. "God, I already told you: only with lots of alcohol and a blonde wig."
"If you want it so bad, you can go and buy me a blonde wig," Yoochun says, reaching up and back to purposely mess up Jaejoong's hair. "I am not funding this relationship by myself. It's the 21st century and we're going dutch."
Jaejoong makes an offended noise and blows the hair out of his eyes unsuccessfully. "Chivalry is so dead," he says, and then, "We should do that talent contest thing."
Yoochun slides off to the side and raises an eyebrow at Jaejoong. "Seriously? What would we even do?"
Jaejoong sits up and starts fixing his hair, glancing around the room for a mirror as he says, "I dunno, sing? It'll be neat. It's been three months and half a continent since, you know."
Yoochun wants to tell Jaejoong he should say the words outloud, but realizes that he can't either, so that would be hypocritical. "Yeah, sure," he says. "Okay."
Having found the mirror, Jaejoong beams at Yoochun's reflection in it. "Okay. Great."
"I'm gonna pee," Yoochun says, getting off the bed. "Pick a song." He reaches over and messes up Jaejoong's hair again, then disappears into the bathroom, not waiting to see Jaejoong's reaction.
---
Glenwood Canyon Brew Pub, 7:08PM
After they're seated, the waitress gives them each a menu and then a beer & wine list that is nearly as long as the menu.
"Dude." Yoochun's eyes get wider and wider as he skims the list. "Let's only order alcohol."
Jaejoong looks like he actually has to think about it. "You know, Yoochun," he says, "I think by our age, what used to be called partying is now called alcoholism."
Yoochun stares at Jaejoong for a second, then flips the beer & wine list over, shoving it in Jaejoong's face. "World Beer Cup says best beer in the world," he says emphatically. "Best. Beer."
"The only thing that matters is what Kim Jaejoong Beer Cup says," Jaejoong says, but he grabs the list anyway like some little kid on Christmas morning.
"And we're not alcoholics," Yoochun says, picking something off the menu at random. "It's not called alcoholism when you only drink the good stuff. It's refined taste."
Jaejoong does the slut-cough, except instead of coughing 'slut', he coughs 'bullshit'. He points at a spot on the beer & wine list. "I want this one. It has a lot of stars next to it."
Yoochun takes the list back, a forced smile on his face. "Sure thing, hyung. Tell me what you want for food and I'll order that for you too. Hyung."
Jaejoong makes a face at the inflections. "Whatever, I'll do it myself."
"Is this going to be like that one time with that one thing and Howey?" Yoochun says, making an equally scrunched up face, though he can't say he isn't looking forward to another episode of Kim Jaejoong Botches and Butchers the English Language.
Jaejoong unscrunches briefly. "Hey, what happened to Howey?"
"He deflated and is somewhere on the floor of our car," Yoochun says.
Jaejoong sighs and chews on his bottom lip, and then the inside of his cheek, and then his thumb, and then steals the beer & wine list back, because apparently the death of Howey is worth ordering beer on his own for.
Yoochun keeps his laughter (mostly) to himself and takes a second to look around. He blinks at how many kids are around, even if the place was hotel owned and meant lots of tourists. "Are we the only legal ones in here?"
Jaejoong glances up and points at a girl who must be Stacy the receptionist's cousin, Tracy the waitress. "There's her."
Turning the other way, Yoochun tilts his head to the side as he studies Tracy the waitress. "See, now that's overdoing the lace."
Jaejoong laughs into his glass of water and waves Tracy the waitress over with a bright smile so they can order and also study her bra from a closer distance.
---
Employees start setting up the stage right as Yoochun and Jaejoong finish eating. Everything looks really miniature: the stool is maybe 3ft high and the microphone stand isn't much taller. Off to the side is an upright piano and Yoochun says, "Thank god I get the bench."
Jaejoong isn't paying attention to the right things. "Do we really get a pony if we win?"
"I think so," Yoochun says, pointing across the room to where a bunch of kids that all look like they're still under 10 are crowded around a giant stuffed animal pony. "Don't tell me that's your new motivation."
"It's not like I had any old motivation," Jaejoong says, and pauses. "Unless Scarlett wants to give us free beer." Turns out Tracy the waitress' real name is Scarlett, which made the overdone lace thing make much more sense.
"Do you think complimenting her underwear would help with that?" Yoochun says.
"Maybe if we sing about it," Jaejoong says.
Yoochun looks at Jaejoong carefully. "About the merits of free beer or lacey underwear?"
Jaejoong thinks about that. "Being served free beer by lacey underwear."
It's clear Yoochun's slightly inebriated when he says, "That's dumb. Underwear doesn't have hands."
"If lacey underwear had hands, I bet they'd be pretty hands," Jaejoong muses.
"But itchy."
"Why can't you let me have nice things."
Yoochun holds his hands up. "If you want to experiment with women's lingerie, no one's stopping you. Just don't do it in front of me and don't complain when you start chafing."
"Oh please," Jaejoong says. "You'd totally want to watch."
"That's gross," Yoochun says, making a deeply disturbed face. "Don't involve me in your fantasies."
Jaejoong waves it off, his eyes on the stage. "Blah blah blah. All I hear is you lying to yourself. Is it our turn yet? This little girl sucks."
"Is this how you're going to treat your kids if their voices turn out less than stellar?" Yoochun says. Though the girl does suck and coupled with her overzealous parents, it's making for an all-around awkward atmosphere. "I think we're next. Maybe? Probably. I think."
"Great. Awesome." Jaejoong raises his beer, clearly urging Yoochun to do the same. "A toast to what's soon to be our new pony."
Yoochun clinks his glass against Jaejoong's, but says before drinking, "You're really fixated on getting that pony. Are there childhood issues we should address?"
Jaejoong's mouth lingers at the rim of his glass mock-thoughtfully. "I was never hugged enough as a child?"
"Huh." Yoochun snaps and points at Jaejoong. "Even though you're just making shit up, that would actually explain a lot."
Jaejoong puts his glass down so he can open his arms in invitation, saying brightly, "Well it's never too late to start."
Yoochun stares at Jaejoong for a second, then decides what the hell, why not? He's in the middle of standing up when the host says something that sounds like their names if their names had been trampled by a stampede of wildebeest, flattened by a bulldozer, and then used to scrap gum off the bottom of some tables. "I... think that's us?"
"Huh," Jaejoong says, looking doubtful. He slides out of his chair. "Okay. Come on, Park Yoochoon."
"After you, Kim Jaejooing," Yoochun says, extending his arm out. Jaejoong grabs onto it and pulls him onto the stage.
It's only after Jaejoong starts messing with the microphone stand that Yoochun realizes everyone's staring at them weird, including the host, who was clearly a waiter that got harassed into the job.
"You're...?"
"Jaejoong and Yoochun...?" Yoochun says.
"You two aren't under 12."
Yoochun resists the urge to say 'duh'. "Is this a kid contest?" he says, laughing because it's a joke until he realizes that's exactly what this is. This is now more awkward than the sucky girl with the pageant parents. "Oh."
"Sorry, man. Rules," the host says, shrugging.
Yoochun nods and turns around, all set to tell Jaejoong the situation except Jaejoong's sitting on the stool and looking back at him with a smile that Yoochun hasn't seen in months. On the inside, he throws a tantrum about how hard his life is, but on the outside he goes over to Jaejoong and says, "Okay, we have a problem, but I can fix it so if you could act like you're dying, that'd be great."
Jaejoong blinks at him, opens his mouth, and then shuts it when he sees the host from over Yoochun's shoulder. All of a sudden his posture slumps, and he bites his lip as he tugs anxiously on his own sleeves. His eyes get sad and bigger. Yoochun is pretty sure it's the freakiest shit he's ever seen, so he opts to stand behind Jaejoong rather than look at it any longer.
"Sir, my friend. He's very, very sick," Yoochun says, resting his hands on Jaejoong's shoulder. He pauses to mouth very deliberately 'DYING' while squeezing one of Jaejoong's shoulders, hoping that's enough of a signal. On cue, Jaejoong coughs and wheezes and the host's face loses some color -- Yoochun's pleased. "I promised I'd take him somewhere where he could sing for an audience and win a pony before he gets locked up in a hospital room with tubes and needles and bedpans." It's surprising how easy lying comes to him when he's tipsy. "Jaejoong's my best friend and I've never broken a promise to him. Don't make me start now."
If the host still had any doubt, it's gone as soon as Jaejoong reaches out to catch the hem of Yoochun's shirt, and says, with those big, big eyes, "I'm glad to be with you, Yoochun, here at the end of all things."
For a second, Yoochun almost believes Jaejoong's being genuine, but then he realizes Jaejoong's quoting Lord of the Rings. The host's voice snaps him out of it, telling them they can do whatever they want before he walks off sniffling. Yoochun beams and stands, messing up Jaejoong's hair. "You're on, rockstar," he says, and goes to sit at the piano.
"You need to stop doing that," Jaejoong complains, smoothing out his hair, but that smile from before is back as he faces the buzzing audience again. He puts both hands on the mic and says into it sweetly, "This is for Scarlett."
Beer slut, Yoochun thinks.
It takes a few seconds for Yoochun's hands to get used to the feel of piano keys again, the weight of them. He plays a few chords, then transitions into the opening melody of Insa. He glances at Jaejoong's profile over the top of the piano, trying to figure out the feeling of not missing something until you see it again. Jaejoong isn't looking back, but Yoochun's not worried. This is something he doesn't have to get used to: Jaejoong gone to that place where it doesn't matter that he's singing to a busty waitress and fifth graders and their unhappy parents. After three months and half a continent, everything's a concert arena.
Yoochun sings along under the cover of Jaejoong's voice and the piano, though he still feels out of his element without the screaming fans and lights and spinning stage. It might be the first time he's actually heard himself sing this song; in hindsight, he thinks maybe they should have picked something less ironic.
There are these five seconds once they reach Yoochun's piano solo that Jaejoong goes still. Then he shakes himself out of it, and his hands slide off the mic and into his lap as he waits for the end of the song, turning in the stool to finally face Yoochun.
If Yoochun's smile is a little watery, Jaejoong is doing a good job of not rolling his eyes at it, which Yoochun is grateful for since private and public ridicule are two very different things. They bow at the front to a decent amount of applause considering they just sabotaged a children's contest.
"Nice job, rockstar," Yoochun says, and drapes his arm over Jaejoong's shoulders on their way back to the table.
"You too," Jaejoong says. He remembers to cough weakly and let his hair fall in his face when they pass the host.
"You really didn't get hugged enough as a child," Yoochun says, giving Jaejoong a quick one before they sit down. "For earlier."
Jaejoong says, "What the hell, that was the wimpiest hug in the world," and scoots his chair around the table until he can latch his arms around Yoochun's properly. "So I was thinking about pony names."
Yoochun laughs, thinking he should probably find this weird, but doesn't at all. "Is it great?" he says. "'Cause it totally has to be the most epic name ever."
"Okay, are you ready for this?" Jaejoong takes a long pause for drama, letting go of Yoochun in the meantime. "Elvis."
Yoochun waits for the "haha, kidding, you should've seen your face" part, but it never comes. "... You're serious?"
"Yes!"
"That's not very unique," Yoochun says. "Lots of things are named Elvis."
"But lots of things aren't named Elvis Haussmann," Jaejoong says, poking Yoochun's chest. "Elvis. Haussmann. The pony. Think about that."
"You're a freak," Yoochun says, which really means he's giving in.
"Here comes Scarlett with free beer and her phone number," Jaejoong says cheerfully.
Turns out that the beer is actually free, courtesy of Jaejoong's propensity for hitting on the female sex through song, but instead of a phone number, the slip of paper in her hand is their bill. "Two out of three isn't bad," Yoochun says, counting their beer separately.
Jaejoong doesn't seem too upset, nursing his new glass. "It wouldn't have worked out anyway."
"That's what you said about the last five girls that didn't automatically offer up their numbers."
Jaejoong pouts. "Four."
"We're not counting the parking attendant?" Yoochun says. "I mean I guess she could have benefited from a hair brush, but I thought she was all right."
"She was way more into you than me," Jaejoong says. "I think her hair felt a deep connection with your hair."
Yoochun frowns. "My hair is always brushed," he says, and ends their conversation by proceeding to throw his leftover french fries at Jaejoong for the last three contestants.
---
Elvis Haussmann is taking up half of the bed, just staring at Yoochun from across the room while Jaejoong monopolizes the bathroom. This is after an entire elevator ride of Jaejoong standing in the corner, brushing Elvis's mane and feeding it a plush carrot toy. Yoochun is starting to think Jaejoong wasn't actually lying about his childhood issues.
To take his mind off of being watched by a giant stuffed animal, Yoochun curls up on the couch and flips through the postcards they got in the hotel gift shop. He maybe gets through four before giving up because he still gets the feeling of being stared at and that's even creepier.
"Hyung," Yoochun calls, "tell your pony to stop violating me."
All he hears in response is the sound of running water and a low, pleased moan.
Now things are creepy and awkward. Yoochun doesn't say anything more because the masturbation conversation hasn't happened for ten years and he's not going to start it now.
The noises go on for a few more long and uncomfortable minutes. When Jaejoong finally emerges from the bathroom, wearing clothes thank god, he dives onto the pie-clad bed with a happy sigh into the pillow.
Yoochun's silent for a little longer while Jaejoong resumes canoodling with Elvis. When Jaejoong goes to readjust the bow around Elvis's neck, he says, "So. Good shower?"
"Their shampoo is somehow awesome," Jaejoong says dreamily.
"For... your hair," Yoochun says, and even he can't tell if that was a statement or question.
Jaejoong looks at him like he's crazy. "Uh. Yeah?"
"Right, okay, yeah," Yoochun says hastily. "Anyway. Um. Tomorrow, up by 8 and leave by 9?"
"Sure, sure." Jaejoong folds his arms under his head, legs kicking in a way that he's probably not even aware of. "Are you sure you're okay with the couch?"
"I'm not jealous of your pies," Yoochun says. "I'll be fine."
"Fine, whatever." Jaejoong takes Elvis off the bed and places him on the floor with all the care in the world. "'night, Elvis Haussmann the pony."
"I can't believe you actually got the pony," Yoochun says, fluffing his pillow. He burrows underneath the spare blanket he found in the closet earlier. "I thought sucky girl was going to maim you."
"It's not my fault sucky girl sucked. Plus she probably would've named Elvis something dumb like Miss Fluffy when Elvis is obviously a man." Jaejoong's voice is muffled and quiet. "Anyway, we were good."
"Can't argue with that," Yoochun says, rolling onto one side and then the other, trying to find a comfortable position.
There's no immediate answer from Jaejoong. Then he lets out a big, exasperated sigh and says, "Oh my god, Yoochun, seriously, just get over here."
Yoochun is all set to insist some more on how he's fine, but he bangs his ankle against the wooden armrest and he's never been good with pain. Gathering his pillow and blanket, he limps over and flops unceremoniously onto the bed. "Mm, soft."
He can hear Jaejoong rolling his eyes before reaching over him to turn off the light. "G'night. Don't be a blanket hog."
Yoochun settles in, face pressed into his pillow, and the last thing he remembers saying is, "Your hair does smell nice."
---
June 13, 2014, 7:23 PM, A top secret location somewhere in Seoul
Yunho's maybe - just maybe - humming the Mission Impossible theme under his breath as they follow the waitress to a table just on the other side of a divider screen from Junsu and his date.
It gets him a sideways look from Changmin, but Yunho mostly ignores it until Changmin asks, "This is how you're psyching yourself up?"
"Yup," Yunho says, grinning back at Changmin, and then goes quiet as they get closer to Junsu's table, not wanting him to recognise their voices. That just makes it easier to overhear Junsu's conversation with his date as they take their seats - an excited, "Kamen Rider, usually. Old-school style! And Spongebob -- do you know you can get all those shows for free in Youtube?" - and Yunho nearly gives the game away by cracking up when he looks over and sees Changmin's face.
Changmin kicks Yunho's leg under the table, even though he's visibly fighting back a laugh himself, and losing. "Don't ruin this for me, hyung," he warns. "God, it's like they're finding common grounds for a future playdate or something."
Yunho bites his lip hard to hold back his laughter as Junsu reaches over the table to take the girl's hand earnestly, still talking about cartoons, and kicks Changmin right back.
"Hmm, heart-touching moment," Changmin whispers, and turns away from the sight, but not before Yunho catches the sound of an almost-laugh escaping him.
"Changmin-ah!" Yunho hisses, almost losing it all over again, digging his nails into his palms in a desperate effort to keep his face close to straight. It seems like Junsu is fiddling with the cute trainee's fingers, which could have been a sweet moment, if not for the fact that he is obviously trying to teach the girl the Vulcan hand greeting thing.
Changmin glances at Yunho, then back at the couple, and makes to get up from his seat, head shaking in what looks like defeat. "Changmin?" Yunho says again, wondering if he's really giving up, but Changmin just laughs under his breath and drops back into his chair.
"Maybe I should've been expecting it, but I wasn't prepared for any of that," he explains, hand gesture and all. "I'll be damned if I abandon the mission, though."
"That's what I like to hear," Yunho says, grinning, and reaches across the table to poke Changmin's cheek lightly. "Mission go!"
---
An hour or so later, Yunho's got his face buried in his hands and Changmin's shaking his head while pinching the bridge of his nose. "Has he seriously spent his whole date talking about us?" Yunho asks Changmin, disbelieving.
Changmin nods. "Okay, I take back everything I said about the kids' shows and sci-fi stuff," he says, solemn. "This is embarrassing. ...No. Correction: He's so embarrassing."
"Hopeless," Yunho says, smiling despite himself at the warm swell of affection he feels as Junsu shares a terrible pick-up line that Yoochun taught him - a smile which Changmin obviously ridicules with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, you would enjoy this," Changmin says in a dismissive tone of voice. Then a pause. "There's something else to that gross bit of Yoochun-hyung info I don't know about, isn't there? Wait. Yeah, I don't wanna know."
"You probably don't," Yunho agrees easily, his smile gaining an extra bit of fondness as he looks back at Changmin. On the other side of the divider, Junsu's asking for the check and dropping his wallet and making a mess of offering to pay - "since I'm your sunbae, you know".
Changmin returns the smiling, looking from his watch to Junsu and his date, not meeting Yunho's eyes again for a long moment. "Hah, 'sunbae', he says. "I wonder."
"Wonder what?"
"If he's really that oblivious or not," Changmin replies simply, eyes back on what's happening behind the divider.
Yunho laughs quietly, shrugging. "He probably is," he replies, getting out his own wallet so they'll be ready to go when Junsu is, then reaches across the table to poke at Changmin's hand when he sees him pull out his own wallet. "I'm paying," he says.
"I know. Dutiful as always." Changmin swats at Yunho's hand, and starts pulling out some cash, anyway. "Let me pay for my half; I just don't wanna have to owe you anything."
Yunho tries to frown at Changmin while keeping an eye on Junsu. "You don't," he says.
"I know that, too," Changmin says, certain, lips slightly curved. "But we should split the check, for my own peace of mind's sake."
"All right," Yunho says, laughing as he gives in. "I guess I should just be happy that you're not like him, huh?" he adds, with a wave in Junsu's direction.
Changmin scoffs. "Everybody should consider themselves lucky they aren't like that one," he says, matter-of-fact.
Yunho's got his mouth open to answer when he realises Junsu's standing. "Time to go," he says instead, waiting until Junsu and his date are walking towards the door before he stands too.
Without looking where the couple even are, Changmin makes a firm sound of acknowledgment and gets up fast. A little too fast, to judge from the loud crack as his knee meets the table edge. Yunho slaps his hand over Changmin's mouth before any more sound can make it out, looking wide-eyed over at Junsu, who's still walking, clearly not having noticed anything. "You suck at spying," he says to Changmin, very serious.
---
Yunho almost chokes on mingled laughter and disbelief when he realises that Junsu's next romantic destination of choice is the nearby park. The nearby park where there are ducks to feed.
"Seriously?" he whispers to Changmin, crouching behind a bush and peering at Junsu and his date. "Feeding ducks?"
Changmin's clearly too preoccupied with snapping a picture of what's taking place before them with his cell phone to answer for a minute. "Surprised?" he whispers back when he's done, little grin on his face as he looks at the photo. "Wasn't he the same one that was talking about cartoons and channeling Spock an hour ago, anyway?"
"I guess I shouldn't be," Yunho replies ruefully, watching them throw crumbs at the ducks and hoping he won't have to fish Junsu out of the pond again. Once was really enough for a lifetime.
Changmin tucks his phone away in a pocket, and goes back to peering through the bushes with Yunho. "Hey," he pipes up, laughing quietly, "remember that time all five of us went duck-feeding together at that one pond--Junsu-hyung's idea--and Jaejoong-hyung tried to drown himself?"
Yunho muffles his laugh in a hand. "He's such a drama queen. Should've remembered he can't swim before he decided to protest that way."
"And the water wasn't even up to his knees," Changmin says. When Yunho looks over at him, Changmin's fingers are playing with the foliage that's serving as their hiding place, and Yunho reaches across to still them in case the rustle of leaves gives them away. "Pathetic," Changmin finishes.
"Ssh," Yunho says, nudging his shoulder against Changmin's. "Didn't you take your spy lessons seriously?"
A scowl comes across Changmin's face - he's probably trying to pretend offence at the remark - but the expression lasts just a few seconds before he chuckles. "You're acting like I'm shaking the bush or something. Besides, I could've been strategically testing to see what I could get away with for all you know."
"But I bet you weren't," Yunho replies serenely, and turns his attention back to watching Junsu. The silence draws out a little longer than Yunho expects, but he resists the temptation to look over at Changmin again at the lack of retaliation, thinking he's probably just taking the high road again.
Changmin eventually does get his revenge, though, with a sharp elbow jab to Yunho's side that makes Yunho bite his lip hard on the yelp that finds its way to the tip of his tongue. "Hurts more when the expected is delayed, doesn't it?" Changmin asks lightly, and Yunho's convinced it was his plan all along.
"You're mean, Changmin-ah," Yunho says, pouting.
"Don't be unfair," Changmin replies, not acting very bothered, still looking out ahead of him.
Yunho mutters, "I'm not," digging his elbow into Changmin's side in return. That starts off a little scuffle that ends abruptly when Yunho remembers the spying thing, peeking back through the leaves to see if they've been noticed, but the ducks seem to still be taking up all of the couple's attention.
"This is boring," Changmin sighs, right after he's gone from glaring at Yunho to looking out ahead again. "Maybe you should try to get closer and find out if you can hear anything they're saying," he suggests, nudging Yunho's shoulder.
Yunho nudges back. "Why don't you?"
Changmin pushes at Yunho again, harder this time. "I thought this was a you-and-me effort," he says, laughing. "Take one for the team."
Yunho bites his lip on his own laugh, and says, "Too late," as he notices the couple turning away from the pond, heading towards the road. "C'mon, we need to follow them!"
A sigh leaves Changmin as he shifts on his feet. "Lucky for you."
"I'm very lucky," Yunho agrees, grinning at Changmin over his shoulder before he starts moving after Junsu, darting from bush to bush. He almost bursts out laughing again as he sees Junsu reach out as he passes a bougainvillea bush and grabs a handful. "Hopeless," Yunho mumbles to himself as he watches Junsu present the ragged bouquet with a flourish.