Sing For Me 3/?
Last salvage from old k-pop journal. Don't know if I'll continue this series, but it's nice to reread old writing. It's been three years. I don't even know if I can write anymore. D:
Yunjae. PG-13. Word Count: 3386.
'Wah, how nostalgic,’ Jaejoong thinks to himself as he looks over his reflection.
“Wow, how nostalgic.” He’s surprised when Junsu pops up alongside and says the same thing. “You look just like when we debuted. Haha, like a kid,” he teases.
‘Hmph.’ Jaejoong goes back to admiring his reflection.
Junsu laughs, “Eu kyang kyang!” Everyone in the room looks over then, and on cue, Changmin and Yoochun start copying Junsu’s unique laugh to each other. “Eu kyang kyang kyang!”
“Eu kyang kyang!” They cackle. Junsu blushes.
But he’s right, Jaejoong thinks. The red jacket the wardrobe noonas picked out for him looks just like the one he wore all those years ago. With the black hair he recently went back to, anyone would think he was trying to return to Hug.
“Miss the old days?” Yunho says as he takes Junsu’s place beside him, the latter having stomped off to stop the two mischief makers. Jaejoong sighs. What he would give to be able to talk because everyone just ends up repeating his thoughts!
‘Just for a day, I want to be a bed in your room,’ Jaejoong mouths playfully as he pretends to serenade Yunho through the mirror.
“Don’t joke like that. I might take you up on that offer,” Yunho says solemnly. When Jaejoong looks startled, he bursts into laughter. “The look on your face!” Giggling, Yunho moves away. Still looking stunned, Jaejoong doesn’t stop him.
Honestly, Jaejoong thinks all the members are pretty good-looking, but when Yunho gets that serious look on his face…the women of the world stand no chance. Even Jaejoong feels a slight twinge sometimes when he looks at Yunho and he’s a man!
Jaejoong shakes his head. ‘Get ahold of yourself, Kim Jaejoong. ’ Behind him he hears a commotion and looks up in the mirror to see the “eu kyang kyang” trio heading towards him. ‘Oh dear,’ he thinks, but before they attack the group gets the call to go onstage.
They're hustled out of the room by the noonas, now all dressed up and ready to act the stars they’re expected to be. This isn't a live recording but Jaejoong can’t help but imagine that the camera filming them is actually connected live and that a million eyes are watching their every move.
“I heard you lost your voice today,” the host says. Jaejoong freezes.
‘What…?’
Yunho leaps into action. “Yes, it’s just a bad sore throat though. He tired himself out singing yesterday,” their leader lies through his teeth.
“It’s just a figure of speech. He doesn’t know,” a whisper comes from Yoochun on his right, and Jaejoong visibly relaxes. He hadn’t realized that the subject of the conversation had switched to him.
“How terrible!” the host exclaims, “Well, I guess that shows how hardworking our Hero Jaejoong is!”
“Indeed,” Yunho says, smiling charmingly before he moves the conversation to a new topic.
They go on like that for the rest of the show. Yunho and Junsu take over the flow of the conversation, with Changmin and Yoochun pitching in whenever it seems like it’s slowing down. Thankfully, Jaejoong doesn’t actually talk much on a show unless he’s prompted to so they do just fine without him. He just makes sure to laugh and pretend he’s following the conversation. Everything goes smoothly until Changmin brings up the topic of their showers. Jaejoong looks up at Yoochun’s groan and realizes everyone looks embarrassed. ‘What the heck were we talking about?’
“Haha, Jaejoong looks so confused,” the host laughs, "I bet you don’t talk about this is public much, huh? The fans would imagine all sorts of things when they hear their favorite idols took showers together."
‘Oh…oh.’ Jaejoong reddens when he realizes what Changmin was talking about. ‘Changmin, you…’ Junsu’s giggling hard behind the hand over his face, and Yunho looks torn between glaring at the maknae for letting the cat out of the bag and trying to explain to the host about how they’re doing it to save money. Naturally he tries to do both and ends up glaring a little at the host.
“Doing-you mean you’re still sharing showers? Why, does SM Entertainment have no money?” The host looks like he’s struck gold. After all, it makes sense for them to have taken showers together in the past when they were still rookies and the company limited the amount of money they could spend, but now they’re well-known stars and SME is known to have plenty of resources…Jaejoong covers his face as he realizes how it must look to others. He hopes they don’t mention the showers he and Yunho have taken together. Yoochun has always pointed out how they take longer than the showers he and Jaejoong take together.
‘Changmin, do you have no shame?’ Jaejoong glares behind him but the youngest just looks smug. When they finally move to a different topic, after much embarrassed laughter from the group, everyone makes sure to subtly reach behind and pinch Changmin hard and then he doesn’t look so smug anymore.
“Ow,” Changmin hisses again and Jaejoong’s sure that Junsu’s giving the boy hell in the background.
The finisher is a cute expression from each of the members. Jaejoong obediently goes doe-eyed and just blinks slowly at the camera when it zooms in on him, making the other members snicker since he essentially does nothing. Junsu’s is the funniest though. Ignoring the cute requirement, he ditches his usual expression where he balls his hands under his chin and instead, kisses in the direction of the camera with an intense look in his eyes. He finishes with a bow to the hollering members before finally collapsing in giggles himself.
“Sexy Junsu! Sexy Junsu!” whoops Yoochun.
“Thank you, thank you,” Junsu manages.
“Alright, cut! That’s a wrap!”
The host groans as he stands up, back cracking audibly. It was a long three hours just to make half that amount of film. “Nice job. Thanks for coming, boys,” he says while shaking each of their hands, “I heard a lot about you. I wanted to hear an acapella piece from you but…”
They exchange looks and Jaejoong makes a little motion with his hands, ‘It’s okay. Go on.’
Junsu hesitates, but quickly starts them into an old routine where he sings the main part and the others cover up for Jaejoong’s lack as best as they can. The host slowly starts to clap along, and when they finish the rest of studio that was watching applaud them.
“Wonderful, just wonderful. Your voices are as good as they say,” says the host, but he’s got a look like he’s not completely satisfied. “Thank you, but I’ll definitely be glad to hear all of you sing one day. Let me know when you get better, Kim Jaejoong.” Jaejoong looks up, surprised when he finds the host staring directly at him before he leaves.
“Did you see…?” Junsu’s eyebrows are furrowed.
A slow smile of realization is spreading over Yoochun’s face. “Yeah, that was no ordinary look. Looks like Jaejoong-hyung's got an admirer~” Yoochun singsongs.
Changmin scoffs, while Jaejoong makes a face, ‘No way.’
“Come on,” Yoochun pushes, “He’s not that old, and he’s been looking over at Jaejoong throughout the filming. Then look at the way he stared at him just now!”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” snaps Yunho, surprising the rest of them and ending the joke in one go. “Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean everyone else is.” His tone makes Jaejoong’s jaw drop.
Yoochun sniffs. “That’s bi, for your information. And look who’s talking.”
Yunho sputters.
‘Ugh, let’s go. Let’s just go.’ Jaejoong grabs Yunho’s arm and starts walking before a fight can break out. He leaves Changmin and Junsu to drag Yoochun along.
‘Yoochun was just joking around. You didn’t need to make such a big deal out of it,’ Jaejoong reprimands Yunho with his eyes. Somehow, Yunho actually understands.
“I guess I did overreact a bit,” Yunho admits.
‘No shit. That gay crack was a low blow.’
Yunho winces and pulls out of Jaejoong’s hold. “I got it, I got it. So, just stop glaring at me like that.” Yunho stalks away, but Jaejoong later sees him offer his seat in the front of the car to Yoochun and knows they’re okay.
They go back home after the show recording since practice has been canceled and the interview isn’t until later that day. Since the wardrobe assistants liked the outfits they were in, they told them to wear them to the interview and said the cost would be on the company, as a present to SME.
Jaejoong slips the apron over the red jacket before he rethinks it and takes off both. He lays the jacket over the back of the sofa where Yoochun is watching afternoon cartoons. Changmin watches from the side as Jaejoong goes back to the kitchen, tying the apron around his waist. He won’t help cook but he likes to watch.
‘Wash these and then cut them into pieces this small,’ Jaejoong motions with his fingers to show how small as he passes the green onion stalks to Junsu.
“Eh, cut them that small?” asks Junsu.
Jaejoong nods. ‘Yes, after washing them,’ he makes a washing motion with his hands.
“Got you.” Junsu gets to work.
‘Oh no, use the cold water!’ Jaejoong motions toward the other side.
“Oops, sorry, sorry!” Junsu appropriately changes the water handle the other direction so cold water comes out.
Jaejoong then looks over and sees Changmin grinning cheekily at them and he makes a face. ‘What?’
“Mm, nothing,” Changmin says with a shake of his head.
Yunho actually wanted to help make lunch too, but after that morning he’s been officially banned from trying to cook at least for the rest of the year, so he sulkily joins Yoochun in the living room, who’s changed from cartoons to a Korean-dubbed version of Lord of the Flies. Unfortunately, the movie isn’t that good because the dub was badly made.
“Ugh, I’d rather watch the English version in subs,” Yoochun groans a few minutes in. A nod from Yunho in agreement but neither of them want to stand up to change the channel so they leave it. The remote control had disappeared sometime after they moved in.
Because the kitchen is connected to the living room everyone in the kitchen can see the movie too, and as the storyline gets more intense Junsu gets more distracted. ‘Junsu! Pay attention to the stew, it’s boiling over!’ But Junsu doesn’t notice Jaejoong’s frantic hand motions and Changmin quickly jumps down from his counter to save the stew.
‘Geez, I give you one job!’ Jaejoong hits Junsu’s arm after checking to make sure the stew is okay.
“Sorry, sorry,” Junsu apologizes sheepishly.
But for all his scolding, even Jaejoong can’t help glancing over at the living room every now and then. He doesn’t know why. Maybe it’s because it’s been a while since he watched the movie, but it suddenly seems a lot more meaningful. He likes the idea of it. Despite all the troubles the boys of the movie went through, for a short while they had freedom. Obviously, Jaejoong realizes that isn’t the point of the story and he knows what happens to the boys when they have too much freedom but still, he can’t help mulling over the idea. He wonders what would happen if for one day, just one day he could live without the rules and restrictions of everyday life.
No one would yell at him about his bad singing anymore. No one would depend on him to be something he wasn’t. He wouldn’t have to feel like a failure to himself, or to his band. These kinds of thoughts swirl around his mind, taunting, teasing until he shakes them away. He turns away from the counter where he was watching the movie with the others until the stew finished cooking.
"Hyung, where are you going?” Junsu asks.
‘Bathroom,’ Jaejoong points. He needs to wash his face.
It’s a bad habit but they leave the TV on so they can continue to watch the movie as they eat.
“You know, it’s surprising that none of the boys got like really gay while they were stranded,” Yoochun comments casually. Jaejoong’s already thought of that before so he isn’t surprised but the other members look scandalized.
"Hyung!" exclaims Changmin.
“What, don’t tell me you haven’t thought of that before. Right, Jaejoong-hyung?”
Jaejoong nods complacently as he spoons more stew onto his rice. “See, even Jaejoong-hyung thinks so,” Yoochun says.
When he overcomes his surprise, Junsu looks thoughtful. “But I bet none of them could show it even if they were. They’d be torn apart by the other boys,” he says reasonably.
“Hmm, good point."
‘Eh, there’s already plenty of sexual tension in the movie. No need for anyone to be so obvious,’ Jaejoong adds but no one seems to really understand him except for Yoochun, who was probably already thinking along the same lines.
Yoochun nods sagely and says, “Just like us!”
Jaejoong chokes on his rice. ‘No!’
“Ha, that’s just because you don’t want certain people to know,” Yoochun says as he wiggles his eyebrows in Yunho’s direction.
“What in the world are you guys talking about?” Yunho finally says. Both Changmin and Junsu look just as confused.
‘Nothing, nothing!’ Jaejoong mouths so emphatically that there’s no mistake to what he’s saying, and he shoots a look at Yoochun that would have killed him thrice over if looks could kill. ‘You, shut up.’
Yoochun laughs so hard that he almost spits rice all over Changmin, and wary of just that happening the youngest deliberately leans away from him. But he doesn’t say anything else and the discussion moves into calmer waters.
In the movie, the main character is running from the other boys as they try to kill him. The entire table’s gone silent as the members watch. The soup in Junsu’s spoon drips slowly into his bowl unnoticed. There’s a struggle on the beach. The boys wrestle in the dark, desperate. It’s kill or be killed. Jaejoong is vaguely aware of his mouth being open, but he can’t muster the effort to close it.
Finally, as their food is cooling, the movie ends. The main character is rescued from death by the arrival of outsiders, adults and he bursts into tears as he realizes they are saved. As the credits run, the room is silent except for the music playing in the background.
Changmin is the first to break the silence. “I never liked that movie,” he says before he shoves a large spoonful of rice in his mouth.
“Why? I think it’s a good movie,” Junsu says defensively.
“Yeah, but look at the message it sends. It’s basically saying that humans are animals and without society’s rules we would fall into chaos. Not to mention it implies that children need to be overseen by adults because they don’t think as reasonably as adults do.” Even Yunho stops at that.
“Since when were you so smart, genius boy?”
When Changmin realizes he has the entire room’s attention he blushes and refuses to say anything else after that, even with Junsu and Yoochun’s playful coaxing.
“But I like the movie too,” Yunho says unexpectedly, making Junsu pull away from Changmin and exclaim, “Yeah, isn’t it good?”
“But it’s not like…I don’t like the entire movie, just kind of…the idea of it. For example, I like the first half of the movie a lot more than the second half,” Yunho explains, talking slowly as he tries to formulate his thoughts into words, and Junsu and Changmin look blank. Yoochun and Jaejoong both look intrigued, but the former because he has a vague idea of what Yunho might be saying and the latter because he wonders if Yunho is thinking what he’s been thinking.
Jaejoong also likes the first half of the movie more than the second half.
“I mean…haven’t you ever wondered what it’d be like to be stranded on an island?” Yunho says, and looks of comprehension appear around the table.
“You mean without the whole having to struggle to survive part, right?” Yoochun says, “Because having to starve would really suck.”
Yunho nods, ignoring Yoochun’s joking. “Yeah, I mean more like being able to get away from all your problems. Getting a chance to take a break from it all-from life; from restrictions and problems.”
“Ha, no more practices.” Junsu laughs. The others look animated by the idea, especially Yoochun who breathes, “No more busy schedules,” his tone thrilled by the prospect.
“And no more stalker fans,” Yunho says.
“No cameras, no filming,” says Changmin quietly, the person who has always valued his privacy the most in the group.
“No being told what to do.”
“Or how to look. Or how to act.”
“No yelling. No angry instructors or managers.” The last is said by Yunho, who looks deliberately at Jaejoong as he says it.
‘No being forced to be what we aren’t,’ Jaejoong thinks.
Eventually, Changmin says what they’re all thinking deep down, as he stares down at the tabletop, “We would be free." He looks like he's ready for someone to laugh at him but no one says a word to tease him.
Freedom. From everything they just mentioned. What would that feel like?
The shrill cry of the phone cuts through the silence like a knife and more than half of them jump.
“I got it.” Yunho stands up. As a self-imposed rule, he’s always sat in the chair closest to the phone. As Jaejoong’s heart slows down, he looks around and realizes that most of them still haven’t finished eating yet and the food’s getting cold.
‘Yah, eat, eat! Finish before the food gets cold,’ Jaejoong motions at the food. Changmin rolls his eyes but he obediently spoons up the rest of his rice with a mutter of, “Yes, mom.”
Yoochun says, spoon to his mouth, “I wonder who called. You think it’s manager-hyung?”
In the living room, Yunho is telling the caller how they’ve just sat down to eat so Jaejoong assumes it’s their manager getting a status update. He perks up when he hears Yunho mention his name.
“Uh, Jaejoong? He’s doing just fine. Yes, he took all his medicine...No, not yet,” Yunho says. Then there’s silence as Yunho listens to what their manager tells him, and Jaejoong knows something’s wrong by the stiffening of his shoulders and the small but tight squeeze he gives the phone handle.
“I don’t think that’s necessary, Hyung,” Yunho says tonelessly. All eating sounds stop. Yunho lowers his head and sighs, away from the phone so it can’t be heard. “...Yes, Hyung. Yes, alright. I’ll tell him...Goodbye.”
The expression on Yunho’s face when he turns around makes Jaejoong’s heart sink.
“What’s wrong?” Junsu asks.
“We’ve got bad news,” Yunho says. “Manager-hyung is going to take Jaejoong to the hospital to get his throat checked.”
Someone’s spoon clatters as it drops from their fingers and Jaejoong wonders vaguely if it was Changmin again.
“So that means…” Changmin starts with a horrified look.
Junsu shakes his head. “Oh no, this is bad. This is bad, this is bad, this is bad,” he repeats lowly again and again.
Jaejoong looks down at his bowl, eyes unseeing as he finally lets himself think about what’s he’s been keeping himself from thinking about all day. He can already see the headlines now. ‘Kim Jaejoong of the popular boy group DBSK can no longer sing!’ ‘DBSK falls apart with loss of singer Kim Jaejoong!’ ‘The reign of popular group DBSK ends!’
Well, on the plus side, Jaejoong thinks with grim humor, they might be able to continue the group without him. Just because he’s gone doesn’t mean DBSK has to end. But thinking about that is almost as painful as having to think about their group failing. He can already imagine watching from the audience, or at home from TV, and seeing the four of them having fun and becoming successful and leaving him behind.
“Jaejoong, Jaejoong! Snap out of it! Stop thinking like that!” Yoochun says as he snaps his fingers thrice quickly in front of his face. Jaejoong flies back. He has been hunching over his plate without realizing.
‘Huh? Think like what?’
“Don’t give me that,” Yoochun snaps, “I’m your best friend. I can tell when you’re being all emo. You were thinking about DBSK ending weren’t you? Or your singing career going down the drain?”
Yunho steps forward furiously. “Yoochun, you’re going too far!”
“No, I’m not, Jaejoong, listen to me! The doctors will figure out what’s wrong with you. Maybe we missed something. Maybe there really is something wrong with your vocal cords. But they’ll figure it out, and they’ll fix it,” Yoochun says, and he looks so sure of himself that Jaejoong can’t help the small spark of hope that ignites within him. “So don’t think about anything else. You’ll be just fine.”
If only Yoochun had been right back then, perhaps Jaejoong wouldn't have done what he would do. But it wasn’t his fault. No one could have known the truth that early. Jaejoong least of all.
^^^^^^^^^
Jaejoong crumples the bedsheet, head down. Tears are forming in his eyes again. He’s never cried so much in his whole life as he has this year. He’s not the type of person that cries often, as anyone could tell just by looking at him. Cool, calm and cynical is what Hero Jaejoong is. He doesn’t look like he even bleeds. He is the Ice Prince.
But this ice prince is melting from the inside out and Jaejoong just wishes someone would notice.
The room is blindingly bright at a time when he wishes he could just turn off the lights. He’s been in here all day. It should be night by now. The doctor’s left with the new calculations. Jaejoong’s been tested and retested for hours. The results aren’t coming up any different. The x-rays don’t lie.
As far as the doctors can tell, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him.
Yunjae. PG-13. Word Count: 3386.
'Wah, how nostalgic,’ Jaejoong thinks to himself as he looks over his reflection.
“Wow, how nostalgic.” He’s surprised when Junsu pops up alongside and says the same thing. “You look just like when we debuted. Haha, like a kid,” he teases.
‘Hmph.’ Jaejoong goes back to admiring his reflection.
Junsu laughs, “Eu kyang kyang!” Everyone in the room looks over then, and on cue, Changmin and Yoochun start copying Junsu’s unique laugh to each other. “Eu kyang kyang kyang!”
“Eu kyang kyang!” They cackle. Junsu blushes.
But he’s right, Jaejoong thinks. The red jacket the wardrobe noonas picked out for him looks just like the one he wore all those years ago. With the black hair he recently went back to, anyone would think he was trying to return to Hug.
“Miss the old days?” Yunho says as he takes Junsu’s place beside him, the latter having stomped off to stop the two mischief makers. Jaejoong sighs. What he would give to be able to talk because everyone just ends up repeating his thoughts!
‘Just for a day, I want to be a bed in your room,’ Jaejoong mouths playfully as he pretends to serenade Yunho through the mirror.
“Don’t joke like that. I might take you up on that offer,” Yunho says solemnly. When Jaejoong looks startled, he bursts into laughter. “The look on your face!” Giggling, Yunho moves away. Still looking stunned, Jaejoong doesn’t stop him.
Honestly, Jaejoong thinks all the members are pretty good-looking, but when Yunho gets that serious look on his face…the women of the world stand no chance. Even Jaejoong feels a slight twinge sometimes when he looks at Yunho and he’s a man!
Jaejoong shakes his head. ‘Get ahold of yourself, Kim Jaejoong. ’ Behind him he hears a commotion and looks up in the mirror to see the “eu kyang kyang” trio heading towards him. ‘Oh dear,’ he thinks, but before they attack the group gets the call to go onstage.
They're hustled out of the room by the noonas, now all dressed up and ready to act the stars they’re expected to be. This isn't a live recording but Jaejoong can’t help but imagine that the camera filming them is actually connected live and that a million eyes are watching their every move.
“I heard you lost your voice today,” the host says. Jaejoong freezes.
‘What…?’
Yunho leaps into action. “Yes, it’s just a bad sore throat though. He tired himself out singing yesterday,” their leader lies through his teeth.
“It’s just a figure of speech. He doesn’t know,” a whisper comes from Yoochun on his right, and Jaejoong visibly relaxes. He hadn’t realized that the subject of the conversation had switched to him.
“How terrible!” the host exclaims, “Well, I guess that shows how hardworking our Hero Jaejoong is!”
“Indeed,” Yunho says, smiling charmingly before he moves the conversation to a new topic.
They go on like that for the rest of the show. Yunho and Junsu take over the flow of the conversation, with Changmin and Yoochun pitching in whenever it seems like it’s slowing down. Thankfully, Jaejoong doesn’t actually talk much on a show unless he’s prompted to so they do just fine without him. He just makes sure to laugh and pretend he’s following the conversation. Everything goes smoothly until Changmin brings up the topic of their showers. Jaejoong looks up at Yoochun’s groan and realizes everyone looks embarrassed. ‘What the heck were we talking about?’
“Haha, Jaejoong looks so confused,” the host laughs, "I bet you don’t talk about this is public much, huh? The fans would imagine all sorts of things when they hear their favorite idols took showers together."
‘Oh…oh.’ Jaejoong reddens when he realizes what Changmin was talking about. ‘Changmin, you…’ Junsu’s giggling hard behind the hand over his face, and Yunho looks torn between glaring at the maknae for letting the cat out of the bag and trying to explain to the host about how they’re doing it to save money. Naturally he tries to do both and ends up glaring a little at the host.
“Doing-you mean you’re still sharing showers? Why, does SM Entertainment have no money?” The host looks like he’s struck gold. After all, it makes sense for them to have taken showers together in the past when they were still rookies and the company limited the amount of money they could spend, but now they’re well-known stars and SME is known to have plenty of resources…Jaejoong covers his face as he realizes how it must look to others. He hopes they don’t mention the showers he and Yunho have taken together. Yoochun has always pointed out how they take longer than the showers he and Jaejoong take together.
‘Changmin, do you have no shame?’ Jaejoong glares behind him but the youngest just looks smug. When they finally move to a different topic, after much embarrassed laughter from the group, everyone makes sure to subtly reach behind and pinch Changmin hard and then he doesn’t look so smug anymore.
“Ow,” Changmin hisses again and Jaejoong’s sure that Junsu’s giving the boy hell in the background.
The finisher is a cute expression from each of the members. Jaejoong obediently goes doe-eyed and just blinks slowly at the camera when it zooms in on him, making the other members snicker since he essentially does nothing. Junsu’s is the funniest though. Ignoring the cute requirement, he ditches his usual expression where he balls his hands under his chin and instead, kisses in the direction of the camera with an intense look in his eyes. He finishes with a bow to the hollering members before finally collapsing in giggles himself.
“Sexy Junsu! Sexy Junsu!” whoops Yoochun.
“Thank you, thank you,” Junsu manages.
“Alright, cut! That’s a wrap!”
The host groans as he stands up, back cracking audibly. It was a long three hours just to make half that amount of film. “Nice job. Thanks for coming, boys,” he says while shaking each of their hands, “I heard a lot about you. I wanted to hear an acapella piece from you but…”
They exchange looks and Jaejoong makes a little motion with his hands, ‘It’s okay. Go on.’
Junsu hesitates, but quickly starts them into an old routine where he sings the main part and the others cover up for Jaejoong’s lack as best as they can. The host slowly starts to clap along, and when they finish the rest of studio that was watching applaud them.
“Wonderful, just wonderful. Your voices are as good as they say,” says the host, but he’s got a look like he’s not completely satisfied. “Thank you, but I’ll definitely be glad to hear all of you sing one day. Let me know when you get better, Kim Jaejoong.” Jaejoong looks up, surprised when he finds the host staring directly at him before he leaves.
“Did you see…?” Junsu’s eyebrows are furrowed.
A slow smile of realization is spreading over Yoochun’s face. “Yeah, that was no ordinary look. Looks like Jaejoong-hyung's got an admirer~” Yoochun singsongs.
Changmin scoffs, while Jaejoong makes a face, ‘No way.’
“Come on,” Yoochun pushes, “He’s not that old, and he’s been looking over at Jaejoong throughout the filming. Then look at the way he stared at him just now!”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” snaps Yunho, surprising the rest of them and ending the joke in one go. “Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean everyone else is.” His tone makes Jaejoong’s jaw drop.
Yoochun sniffs. “That’s bi, for your information. And look who’s talking.”
Yunho sputters.
‘Ugh, let’s go. Let’s just go.’ Jaejoong grabs Yunho’s arm and starts walking before a fight can break out. He leaves Changmin and Junsu to drag Yoochun along.
‘Yoochun was just joking around. You didn’t need to make such a big deal out of it,’ Jaejoong reprimands Yunho with his eyes. Somehow, Yunho actually understands.
“I guess I did overreact a bit,” Yunho admits.
‘No shit. That gay crack was a low blow.’
Yunho winces and pulls out of Jaejoong’s hold. “I got it, I got it. So, just stop glaring at me like that.” Yunho stalks away, but Jaejoong later sees him offer his seat in the front of the car to Yoochun and knows they’re okay.
They go back home after the show recording since practice has been canceled and the interview isn’t until later that day. Since the wardrobe assistants liked the outfits they were in, they told them to wear them to the interview and said the cost would be on the company, as a present to SME.
Jaejoong slips the apron over the red jacket before he rethinks it and takes off both. He lays the jacket over the back of the sofa where Yoochun is watching afternoon cartoons. Changmin watches from the side as Jaejoong goes back to the kitchen, tying the apron around his waist. He won’t help cook but he likes to watch.
‘Wash these and then cut them into pieces this small,’ Jaejoong motions with his fingers to show how small as he passes the green onion stalks to Junsu.
“Eh, cut them that small?” asks Junsu.
Jaejoong nods. ‘Yes, after washing them,’ he makes a washing motion with his hands.
“Got you.” Junsu gets to work.
‘Oh no, use the cold water!’ Jaejoong motions toward the other side.
“Oops, sorry, sorry!” Junsu appropriately changes the water handle the other direction so cold water comes out.
Jaejoong then looks over and sees Changmin grinning cheekily at them and he makes a face. ‘What?’
“Mm, nothing,” Changmin says with a shake of his head.
Yunho actually wanted to help make lunch too, but after that morning he’s been officially banned from trying to cook at least for the rest of the year, so he sulkily joins Yoochun in the living room, who’s changed from cartoons to a Korean-dubbed version of Lord of the Flies. Unfortunately, the movie isn’t that good because the dub was badly made.
“Ugh, I’d rather watch the English version in subs,” Yoochun groans a few minutes in. A nod from Yunho in agreement but neither of them want to stand up to change the channel so they leave it. The remote control had disappeared sometime after they moved in.
Because the kitchen is connected to the living room everyone in the kitchen can see the movie too, and as the storyline gets more intense Junsu gets more distracted. ‘Junsu! Pay attention to the stew, it’s boiling over!’ But Junsu doesn’t notice Jaejoong’s frantic hand motions and Changmin quickly jumps down from his counter to save the stew.
‘Geez, I give you one job!’ Jaejoong hits Junsu’s arm after checking to make sure the stew is okay.
“Sorry, sorry,” Junsu apologizes sheepishly.
But for all his scolding, even Jaejoong can’t help glancing over at the living room every now and then. He doesn’t know why. Maybe it’s because it’s been a while since he watched the movie, but it suddenly seems a lot more meaningful. He likes the idea of it. Despite all the troubles the boys of the movie went through, for a short while they had freedom. Obviously, Jaejoong realizes that isn’t the point of the story and he knows what happens to the boys when they have too much freedom but still, he can’t help mulling over the idea. He wonders what would happen if for one day, just one day he could live without the rules and restrictions of everyday life.
No one would yell at him about his bad singing anymore. No one would depend on him to be something he wasn’t. He wouldn’t have to feel like a failure to himself, or to his band. These kinds of thoughts swirl around his mind, taunting, teasing until he shakes them away. He turns away from the counter where he was watching the movie with the others until the stew finished cooking.
"Hyung, where are you going?” Junsu asks.
‘Bathroom,’ Jaejoong points. He needs to wash his face.
It’s a bad habit but they leave the TV on so they can continue to watch the movie as they eat.
“You know, it’s surprising that none of the boys got like really gay while they were stranded,” Yoochun comments casually. Jaejoong’s already thought of that before so he isn’t surprised but the other members look scandalized.
"Hyung!" exclaims Changmin.
“What, don’t tell me you haven’t thought of that before. Right, Jaejoong-hyung?”
Jaejoong nods complacently as he spoons more stew onto his rice. “See, even Jaejoong-hyung thinks so,” Yoochun says.
When he overcomes his surprise, Junsu looks thoughtful. “But I bet none of them could show it even if they were. They’d be torn apart by the other boys,” he says reasonably.
“Hmm, good point."
‘Eh, there’s already plenty of sexual tension in the movie. No need for anyone to be so obvious,’ Jaejoong adds but no one seems to really understand him except for Yoochun, who was probably already thinking along the same lines.
Yoochun nods sagely and says, “Just like us!”
Jaejoong chokes on his rice. ‘No!’
“Ha, that’s just because you don’t want certain people to know,” Yoochun says as he wiggles his eyebrows in Yunho’s direction.
“What in the world are you guys talking about?” Yunho finally says. Both Changmin and Junsu look just as confused.
‘Nothing, nothing!’ Jaejoong mouths so emphatically that there’s no mistake to what he’s saying, and he shoots a look at Yoochun that would have killed him thrice over if looks could kill. ‘You, shut up.’
Yoochun laughs so hard that he almost spits rice all over Changmin, and wary of just that happening the youngest deliberately leans away from him. But he doesn’t say anything else and the discussion moves into calmer waters.
In the movie, the main character is running from the other boys as they try to kill him. The entire table’s gone silent as the members watch. The soup in Junsu’s spoon drips slowly into his bowl unnoticed. There’s a struggle on the beach. The boys wrestle in the dark, desperate. It’s kill or be killed. Jaejoong is vaguely aware of his mouth being open, but he can’t muster the effort to close it.
Finally, as their food is cooling, the movie ends. The main character is rescued from death by the arrival of outsiders, adults and he bursts into tears as he realizes they are saved. As the credits run, the room is silent except for the music playing in the background.
Changmin is the first to break the silence. “I never liked that movie,” he says before he shoves a large spoonful of rice in his mouth.
“Why? I think it’s a good movie,” Junsu says defensively.
“Yeah, but look at the message it sends. It’s basically saying that humans are animals and without society’s rules we would fall into chaos. Not to mention it implies that children need to be overseen by adults because they don’t think as reasonably as adults do.” Even Yunho stops at that.
“Since when were you so smart, genius boy?”
When Changmin realizes he has the entire room’s attention he blushes and refuses to say anything else after that, even with Junsu and Yoochun’s playful coaxing.
“But I like the movie too,” Yunho says unexpectedly, making Junsu pull away from Changmin and exclaim, “Yeah, isn’t it good?”
“But it’s not like…I don’t like the entire movie, just kind of…the idea of it. For example, I like the first half of the movie a lot more than the second half,” Yunho explains, talking slowly as he tries to formulate his thoughts into words, and Junsu and Changmin look blank. Yoochun and Jaejoong both look intrigued, but the former because he has a vague idea of what Yunho might be saying and the latter because he wonders if Yunho is thinking what he’s been thinking.
Jaejoong also likes the first half of the movie more than the second half.
“I mean…haven’t you ever wondered what it’d be like to be stranded on an island?” Yunho says, and looks of comprehension appear around the table.
“You mean without the whole having to struggle to survive part, right?” Yoochun says, “Because having to starve would really suck.”
Yunho nods, ignoring Yoochun’s joking. “Yeah, I mean more like being able to get away from all your problems. Getting a chance to take a break from it all-from life; from restrictions and problems.”
“Ha, no more practices.” Junsu laughs. The others look animated by the idea, especially Yoochun who breathes, “No more busy schedules,” his tone thrilled by the prospect.
“And no more stalker fans,” Yunho says.
“No cameras, no filming,” says Changmin quietly, the person who has always valued his privacy the most in the group.
“No being told what to do.”
“Or how to look. Or how to act.”
“No yelling. No angry instructors or managers.” The last is said by Yunho, who looks deliberately at Jaejoong as he says it.
‘No being forced to be what we aren’t,’ Jaejoong thinks.
Eventually, Changmin says what they’re all thinking deep down, as he stares down at the tabletop, “We would be free." He looks like he's ready for someone to laugh at him but no one says a word to tease him.
Freedom. From everything they just mentioned. What would that feel like?
The shrill cry of the phone cuts through the silence like a knife and more than half of them jump.
“I got it.” Yunho stands up. As a self-imposed rule, he’s always sat in the chair closest to the phone. As Jaejoong’s heart slows down, he looks around and realizes that most of them still haven’t finished eating yet and the food’s getting cold.
‘Yah, eat, eat! Finish before the food gets cold,’ Jaejoong motions at the food. Changmin rolls his eyes but he obediently spoons up the rest of his rice with a mutter of, “Yes, mom.”
Yoochun says, spoon to his mouth, “I wonder who called. You think it’s manager-hyung?”
In the living room, Yunho is telling the caller how they’ve just sat down to eat so Jaejoong assumes it’s their manager getting a status update. He perks up when he hears Yunho mention his name.
“Uh, Jaejoong? He’s doing just fine. Yes, he took all his medicine...No, not yet,” Yunho says. Then there’s silence as Yunho listens to what their manager tells him, and Jaejoong knows something’s wrong by the stiffening of his shoulders and the small but tight squeeze he gives the phone handle.
“I don’t think that’s necessary, Hyung,” Yunho says tonelessly. All eating sounds stop. Yunho lowers his head and sighs, away from the phone so it can’t be heard. “...Yes, Hyung. Yes, alright. I’ll tell him...Goodbye.”
The expression on Yunho’s face when he turns around makes Jaejoong’s heart sink.
“What’s wrong?” Junsu asks.
“We’ve got bad news,” Yunho says. “Manager-hyung is going to take Jaejoong to the hospital to get his throat checked.”
Someone’s spoon clatters as it drops from their fingers and Jaejoong wonders vaguely if it was Changmin again.
“So that means…” Changmin starts with a horrified look.
Junsu shakes his head. “Oh no, this is bad. This is bad, this is bad, this is bad,” he repeats lowly again and again.
Jaejoong looks down at his bowl, eyes unseeing as he finally lets himself think about what’s he’s been keeping himself from thinking about all day. He can already see the headlines now. ‘Kim Jaejoong of the popular boy group DBSK can no longer sing!’ ‘DBSK falls apart with loss of singer Kim Jaejoong!’ ‘The reign of popular group DBSK ends!’
Well, on the plus side, Jaejoong thinks with grim humor, they might be able to continue the group without him. Just because he’s gone doesn’t mean DBSK has to end. But thinking about that is almost as painful as having to think about their group failing. He can already imagine watching from the audience, or at home from TV, and seeing the four of them having fun and becoming successful and leaving him behind.
“Jaejoong, Jaejoong! Snap out of it! Stop thinking like that!” Yoochun says as he snaps his fingers thrice quickly in front of his face. Jaejoong flies back. He has been hunching over his plate without realizing.
‘Huh? Think like what?’
“Don’t give me that,” Yoochun snaps, “I’m your best friend. I can tell when you’re being all emo. You were thinking about DBSK ending weren’t you? Or your singing career going down the drain?”
Yunho steps forward furiously. “Yoochun, you’re going too far!”
“No, I’m not, Jaejoong, listen to me! The doctors will figure out what’s wrong with you. Maybe we missed something. Maybe there really is something wrong with your vocal cords. But they’ll figure it out, and they’ll fix it,” Yoochun says, and he looks so sure of himself that Jaejoong can’t help the small spark of hope that ignites within him. “So don’t think about anything else. You’ll be just fine.”
If only Yoochun had been right back then, perhaps Jaejoong wouldn't have done what he would do. But it wasn’t his fault. No one could have known the truth that early. Jaejoong least of all.
^^^^^^^^^
Jaejoong crumples the bedsheet, head down. Tears are forming in his eyes again. He’s never cried so much in his whole life as he has this year. He’s not the type of person that cries often, as anyone could tell just by looking at him. Cool, calm and cynical is what Hero Jaejoong is. He doesn’t look like he even bleeds. He is the Ice Prince.
But this ice prince is melting from the inside out and Jaejoong just wishes someone would notice.
The room is blindingly bright at a time when he wishes he could just turn off the lights. He’s been in here all day. It should be night by now. The doctor’s left with the new calculations. Jaejoong’s been tested and retested for hours. The results aren’t coming up any different. The x-rays don’t lie.
As far as the doctors can tell, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him.