The Bucket Wars
Title: The Bucket Wars
Pairing: OT12, slight Hunhan, slight Seho, slight Baekyeol, slight Taoris, slight Kaisoo
Genre: crack
Rating: PG-13
Length: 3.2 K
Summary: EXO-K takes on the ALS challenge and unintentionally starts a war with EXO-M
AN: Inspired by this video of Super Junior members dumping ice water on themselves for the challenge.
When Chanyeol hears that the Super Junior sunbaes are throwing buckets of ice water on themselves for the ALS cause, the first thing he does is steal his mom’s biggest kimchi-making tub. The second thing he does is go looking for Baekhyun.
Baekhyun wakes up with an eerie feeling and tenses instinctively. “Jongdae, I know it’s you. Don’t even dare,” Baekhyun warns. “I don’t even have my eyeliner on yet, it’d be super unfair to pull a prank on me right now.”
Hearing Chanyeol’s deep chuckle, Baekhyun relaxes and pulls the covers back. “Damnit, Chanyeol, you scared me! I thought you were-eeeeek!!” Baekhyun shrieks right before Chanyeol upends the entire tub of ice water he had been balancing above Baekhyun’s head.
“AAAHHH, CHANYEOL!!!”
There’s a splintering crash and then Chanyeol darts out of the room giggling like a loon. Luhan, Minseok and Suho are sharing a pot of tea in the kitchen and freeze in place when they hear the ruckus. Suho glances warily at the M-members. “You guys think we should-?”
Chanyeol zooms by, all long legs and chuckles. Bare seconds after, Baekhyun’s screaming form also flashes by the door. Minseok holds out his cup for more tea, which Luhan pours obligingly.
“Nah, it looks okay,” Luhan says. Suho stares down at his tea helplessly.
“It’s too early for this.”
.
.
Since Baekhyun can be incredibly vindictive when he wants to be, he gets Chanyeol back easily enough when he throws an even bigger bucket of ice water on Chanyeol right after he gets out of his morning shower. Unfortunately, because of the heat of the shower before his bucketing Chanyeol’s experience is ten times worse than Baekhyun’s, which appeases the eyeliner expert but ignites Chanyeol’s sleeping temper. This is why Chanyeol forgoes all rationality and goes after Yixing next, who Baekhyun had conned into helping him with the revenge prank.
As soon as the ice water is dumped though, Chanyeol feels instant remorse because Yixing-hyung looks like a drenched puppy and his whole expression cries, “Why??” instead of “I’ll end you,” like Baekhyun’s did. At the same time, EXO-M’s faces are looking particularly apocalyptic and Chanyeol decides to high-tail it as soon as he spots Zitao reaching for his wushu stick.
“Did that just happen?” Kris says, in total incomprehension of the fact that Chanyeol had swooped in on them out of nowhere, dumped a bucket of ice water over Yixing and then disappeared again like Batman.
“Yes, it did,” replies Jongdae calmly as he puts down his yogurt bottle. Luhan is dabbing at Yixing’s face but his makeup is officially ruined.
“I don’t understand, is this some kind of Korean tradition that we missed again?” Kris motions frantically at Yixing as if to say, look! look at what your tradition has done to an innocent Chinese boy! Yixing blinks back at him.
“I’m cold,” he says, quite pitifully.
Minseok, who has been rubbing at his forehead, stands and says he’ll bring back a towel and some hot packs. He pats gently at Zitao’s shoulder as he leaves because the maknae is starting to redden with the force of his anger.
“Kris-ge, are we just going to leave it like this?” Zitao says, waving his arms at the injustice of it all (ie. having one of their members water bucketed with no explanation).
Kris looks bewildered like he always does when they demand leadership from him. “Wha-like what?” The one who actually answers Zitao is Jongdae, who finally looks up with a glint to his eye that speaks of tears and pain and horror movies. It makes Zitao balk and Kris actually step back. If he’s honest, Jongdae can’t really say he’s displeased with their reaction.
“K-group has gone too far this time,” Jongdae announces imperiously, “They’ve mercilessly taken out one of our members for no good reason.” Yixing murmurs to Luhan, “I think this might be about the ALS challenge,” which Jongdae pretends not to understand because he’s only fluent in Mandarin when it counts.
“This means war!” Jongdae barks, and Zitao is the first to rise, wushu stick in hand.
“YEAH!” He twirls it like a baton in what he thinks is a triumphant salute but really looks more like a cheer-leading routine. Minseok, who is just arriving with towels piled in his arms and not noticing the impromptu wushu-cheer-leading performance, nearly gets his head taken off and is only saved by his tripping over Wufan’s outstretched leg.
Luhan sighs in aggravation and tugs Zitao down by the back of his baggy sweats, making him yelp and squeal in his haste to cover his exposed bottom. “Lu-ge!”
“Sit down, Taozi. You’re going to take someone’s eye out.” Zitao squirms but obediently perches between Luhan and Yixing on the couch.
“Why are you sitting on the ground?” Yixing asks their leader, who is sprawled across the carpet and blocking access to almost an entire half of the couch. Minseok tsks at Wufan as he maneuvers around to pass his offerings to still dripping Yixing.
“I got tired,” is the slightly sulky reply.
“You sound like Zitao,” Luhan tells him.
“Hey!” Zitao says.
“....”
“Leader, my ass,” Jongdae mutters before straightening. “Okay, here’s the plan!” At his Look the rest of them obligingly huddle up.
.
.
The next week is one that will be remembered forever in k-pop history as the most vicious battle between members of the same company and the same group. Super Junior and DBSK had some wild fights back in the day, and let’s not forget the record for the longest grudge matches goes to SNSD and f(x), (mostly because of the Jung sisters’ influence), but EXO has surpassed all of them with the sheer devastation close-range attacks by fellow members can bring.
It is actually just Chanyeol and Baekhyun that are originally in the fight with EXO-M, but then Luhan’s hand slips and instead of going over Baekhyun in their third round of attacks, the bucket of ice water and vinegar (Jongdae’s special addition) goes smack dab over Kyungsoo’s head.
Both sides go hushed in horror.
The bucket-covered figure wobbles and Jongin immediately snaps out of his shock. He rushes over reaching for the bucket. “Hyung?” he ventures. Before Jongin’s hand can make contact though Kyungsoo lifts the bucket himself. He wipes his fingers across his face as if he can rid himself of the vinegar smell and everyone leans back at the pungency of it.
Kyungsoo’s gaze as he looks up is uncharacteristically violent. “Oh no,” says Zitao unnecessarily. Chanyeol and Baekhyun high-five each other.
.
.
With Kyungsoo in, Jongin and Sehun are automatically pulled into the fray, and even Suho is forced in after Sehun becomes the victim of a three-way bucketing M-group conducts in revenge for the nasty mixed bucket of baking soda and vinegar that Jongin managed to K.O. Wufan with. The duizhang still hasn’t woken up yet, although his group suspects he woke up a day ago and is just feigning unconsciousness to avoid the rest of the bucket war. Since Wufan is more of a liability than an asset in the battlefield, they decide to let this slide.
On the other hand, Zitao was made for battle.
When Suho enters the kitchen to make lunch, Zitao pops out of his corner like a ninja and speed-buckets the unsuspecting K-leader, who cries out more from surprise than actual discomfort. Zitao high-tails it out of there with the cheerful cackle of, “Take that, Suho-hyung!” and a few choice Mandarin slurs that sound like elementary-grade swears even in another language.
Suho sighs, puts back the pan he was going to use and heads for the bathroom as he pulls the bucket off his head. It’s his sixth shower of the day and it’s only one in the afternoon.
With his luck, it’s not even all that unexpected that as soon as Suho steps out of the shower he gets another dunking from Yixing, who chirps, “Sorry!” after committing the crime and strolls away.
“Mother****er,” Suho says eloquently.
.
.
“I’m too cute to go down,” Luhan says as he smiles at Sehun with his most beguiling face.
Sehun blinks and then deliberately places his hand over his eyes. Luhan’s smile drops like a rock.
“Now, Jongin,” Sehun orders, and ice water is splashed over Luhan with expert speed by Jongin, looking much less conflicted than Sehun does, who’s already peeking between his fingers at Luhan regretfully. Luhan looks like a wet mouse, hair plastered to the sides of his face, making it even smaller.
Jongin looks smug for all of five seconds before Luhan, shivering, reaches out his arms and asks Sehun in a fragile tone, “Hug?”
“Damn, he’s smart,” Jongin curses as he marches out of the room. Neither of the Hunhan pair notice, tightly embraced as they are.
.
.
Minseok is the only one that notices the Shinee members idling around EXO-M’s dressing room and suspects anything amiss. Taemin and Jongin are rather close, after all.
“I never wanted to do this. Please, not the face! I just had my BB Cream done,” Kibum begs, on his knees.
In the corner, a sopping wet Minho groans, still disappointed that they had been caught out so fast. “Hyung, please! YOU’RE EMBARRASSING US!”
Kibum snaps around so fast Minseok’s surprised he doesn’t have whiplash. “Well, excuse me, MR. COMPETITIVE! Some of us don’t care about silly bucket wars!!”
Jinki coughs. “Actually, it’s for-”
“SHUT UP, HYUNG.”
“We’re not usually this crazy, I swear,” Jonghyun says to the silently observing EXO-M members. Minho and Key are now standing as they yell at each other, Minho waving his arms in uncharacteristic agitation and Key being very liberal with his finger-prodding. “It’s just that, you took Taemin out first,” Jonghyun motions his head regretfully at Taemin’s wet and unconscious pile of boy limbs, “He’s usually the one to mellow those two out, like a…”
“Like a Taemin filling for two tough cookies,” Jinki says with a gentle smile. A pause. Jonghyun coughs awkwardly. Jongdae starts ushering his members out with quiet but urgent haste.
“Come on,” Jongdae hisses, “We don’t wanna catch their crazy. They got this from the Suju sunbaes, remember?”
“I don’t understand that joke,” Luhan is saying to Minseok as they leave.
“See you later!” Jinki calls, waving cheerfully. Beside him, Jonghyun slaps a hand over his face.
.
.
Everyone in EXO has been bucketed with ice water at least 3 times by the end of the week, and in Suho’s case it has been 22 times because Zitao had made it a personal mission to take down the K-leader for reasons no one can comprehend.
SNSD sits twittering to their right, f(x) a little behind them, looking like a dark glittering cloud emerging on the horizon of SNSD's white sailor uniforms. Shinee sits directly behind EXO, Taemin whispering condolences to Jongin at the very back. Taemin is the only one besides Jinki that will speak to EXO after their attempted and failed bucket attack, and even then Taemin only approaches Jongin. The rest of EXO, especially the M-group, gets wary and reproachful stares, which are extremely disconcerting on Taemin’s cute features.
On their left, in mass, sits Super Junior like the reigning prom queen, DB2K nestled comfortably within their ranks after having been sucked in upon greeting. There’s a camera set up to record the proceedings for the older groups that decided not to show up, but it’s actually just for Moon Hee Joon who will watch the entire recording by himself in his bedroom with popcorn.
“Everyone, ready?” Boa says brightly, and then she frowns. “Too bad, we’re starting anyway.”
“Is everyone in our company bipolar, or just plain nuts?” Sehun mutters. “Ow,” he goes when Suho pinches him discreetly in the thigh, his angelic smile not wavering for a second.
“Case in point,” Jongin says under his breath.
Boa clears her throat. “Members of EXO, you have been charged with excessive and aggressive battling within your group, which has directly affected the members of Shinee, several key staff workers and your managers…,” Boa trails off as she realizes who’s missing. “Where are your managers?”
The boys of EXO either neatly avoid her gaze (Baekhyun and Minseok) or look completely unrepentant (Tao and Jongin). Yixing is humming under his breath, and when he looks up to find Boa staring at him he dimples sweetly at her.
“Right…,” says Boa and shuffles her papers again (although they’re blank). “Anyways, your antics have been bad enough within SME but fans have started to notice, and it won’t be long before you guys get on the news if that fancam I spotted of your last prank goes viral.”
“Umm, too late,” says Ryeowook, who has his smartphone in hand.
“Damn, really?”
“Yep,” says Changmin next, having flipped out his phone almost as soon as Ryeowook spoke. Because of Changmin’s advantageous position in the center of the Suju mass, most of the Suju members have a perfect view of the video he pulls up on his smartphone.
“Oh my god,” Leeteuk says and presses his hand against his mouth to muffle the rest.
“This is awesome,” breathes Sungmin, looking starry-eyed. There are familiar screams coming from the phone. Unnoticed, Chanyeol jabs Zitao in the shoulder and motions, I think that’s you! Confused, Zitao tilts his head, frowns and pushes Chanyeol off his seat.
Watching the video, Eunhyuk snorts and nudges Donghae, whispering something in his ear. Donghae laughs aloud, causing a chain reaction across the entire group as they realize what’s so funny. “Really, guys? Vinegar and baking soda?” The EXO boys look sheepish as SNSD roll their eyes almost as one joint mind.
“Ugh, the Suju oppas did that in 2007. Everything stank,” groans Tiffany. Jessica, the member most fastidious about her clothing, leans a little away from Sehun, who is the EXO member sitting closest to her. Boa sighs and bangs her fist on the table because no one gave her a gavel when she demanded one earlier.
“Order! Order in the court, you guys! We’re supposed to figure out a punishment for EXO, remember?”
Taeyeon looks bored. “Why don’t we just give them the same punishment we gave the Suju oppas back in the day?”
Immediately, Heechul hisses, “Don’t say it like that, you make us sound extinct.” He then turns his face away and flips his hair in his best dismissal. When he thinks no one’s looking, he blows Taeyeon a kiss and mouths, love you! Actually, everyone sees this, but no one cares enough to comment. Heechul has worked so hard on being scandalous that hardly anything he does anymore is worth a gasp. In the course of this goal every Super Junior member has been kissed by Heechul in public at least once, and a little more than half the group has had a public make out session with him, or more.
Boa sighs. “Well, since we have such short attention spans,” Boa says with a glare at the Suju + DB2K side, now almost entirely filled with smartphones and giggling. The f(x) members have already slipped off, bored of the proceedings, and Shinee is starting to play pattycake with each other. Only SNSD sits still, with hands folded in their laps and doll-eyed faces fixed on Boa. They smile prettily in unison.
“Actually, yeah, let’s just leave,” Boa says hurriedly. “Court adjourned! EXO, just do the same punishment as Suju did,” the petite singer says belatedly before she rushes off, almost sprinting in her 5-inch heels.
As soon as she’s gone, money starts passing hands on the SNSD side. “I told you creepy would do it fastest,” Sunny gloats as she shuffles the bills in her lap into a neater stack. EXO gapes. Jongin actually looks a little turned on.
“Who wants chicken and beer?” calls Taeyeon and the girls immediately start jumping, “I do, I do, I do!” SNSD leaves in a white flurry of long legs and perfume.
In the resulting silence, Suho gulps and says, “Well.”
A gurgling sound from Jongin’s throat.
“Jongin, stop that. You’re embarrassing yourself.”
.
.
It turns out the punishment is actually a method that was used to promote good relations among Suju members, which the EXO boys find confusing because didn’t the Suju members always have good relationships?
“Erm, no,” says Siwon awkwardly as Kyuhyun, Kangin and Ryeowook burst into raucous full-body laughter behind him. They were the ones that stayed behind to explain the punishment to EXO, not because they were the most responsible or anything. They had lost the rock, paper, scissors tournament.
“Always-good relations,” Kyuhyun chokes, head between his knees as he tries to catch his breath. Kangin is slapping at Ryeowook’s knee because his is starting to hurt. “God, that’s hilarious.”
Once they all stop laughing and tell EXO what the punishment is, the members are confused for a second time, because how could that be a punishment? They soon find out.
Every time EXO does anything remotely mean-spirited, they have to kiss the person concerned. About a month into the punishment (the full length of it is a year) the EXO members start to realize exactly what this kind of punishment entails on the sly.
One day, Sehun is teasing Suho about his fear of horror movies when, at Suho’s slightly hurt look, Sehun has the overwhelming feeling that he should kiss his hyung in apology. So he does, on the lips. Suho’s surprised gasp is engulfed in Sehun’s eager mouth and one make-out session later, Suho calls a group meeting.
“We have a problem,” Suho announces, trying not to suck in his lips even though everyone is staring at how swollen they are.
“I think I might know what you want to talk about,” Kris says with a long-suffering face. Suho eyes the shivery, pouty-lipped Tao behind him and asks, “Your bratty maknae too?”
Wufan nods solemnly. “I didn’t mean to be bad,” Zitao whines again in Mandarin, tugging at Wufan’s sleeve for another kiss to properly apologize. Kyungsoo looks nauseated by Zitao’s squirming.
“What did he say?” asks Jongin, obviously not as quick to catch on as Kyungsoo.
“You don’t want to know,” replies Luhan, looking fairly green himself.
“Great, now what?” Suho moans, clutching at his blond hair, “I didn’t sign up for this-this subversive brainwashing crap!”
Suddenly, Yixing, who has been counting the opposite K-members and repeatedly coming up short, asks loudly, “Where are Chanyeol and Baekhyun?” As if in direct reply, a loud rhythmic thumping sound comes from the dorm above. Everyone turns green this time. When Baekhyun’s moaning starts to filter through Jongdae actually has to leave the room to find a toilet to be sick in. That turns out to be the last straw for Suho.
He stands abruptly and claps Wufan on the shoulder. “Hyung, you are EXO-K’s leader now. I hope you guide both groups safely to the top because so far you’ve done a great job as EXO-M’s leader. I. Believe. In. YOU,” Suho says with such faithful eyes that they almost sparkle with emotion, the way Luhan’s do naturally even when he's being particularly evil. When he’s sure the message has been sent and received, Wufan gives him kind of a shaky nod, Joonmyun leaves the dorm and heads straight to the Suju apartments to cry his eyes out on Leeteuk’s shoulder.
After Suho leaves, Wufan goggles at the remaining members. “I was EXO-M’s leader?”