Did you know that there are actually TWO types of humans?
This weekend was... blah. Friday night/Saturday morning I stayed up until 2:30, doing something we will not mention. Just be safe in the knowledge that it involved four naughty hobbitses and some rowdy carrots. Midnight and on is a very scary time. Then I woke up at 7:30 (THANK YOU Mr. Gardener... no not THAT kind of gardener, Nadine, get your tools... er, mind... out of the gutter!) and baby sat Gwen from 8:30 til 2. She's fun, but I was really tired and she just will not sit still, and my room is a mess. Then she left and I slept for 3 hours, then woke up and had dinner and watched part of Shrek, then went to sleep for the night! Today we went out to breakfy at Good Stuff... mmm. Then I watched the second half of The Hunchback of Notre Dame - if you haven't watched that lately, you should. And me and my Mama watched Shrek, another fantastic movie. Then volleyball, then I made dinner - more bacon, yum!
And now here I am. Having another very fun convo with Melissa and Nadine. Earlier I won the "Laugh of the Hour" TWICE in one hour - quite an accomplishment, according to Missa. I can't remember what I said, but it had something to do with me saying "That's not what he said last night..." so you can just imagine. The second one was Nadine talking about eating Spongebobs snail, and I said "GARY?!? NOOOO! *throws body in front of gary" She liked it, apparently.
LAUNDRY
Missa: dammit why is the washer taking so long
Jen: becuz its washing ur dirty laundry
Missa: i need for my clothes to be dry!!!
Missa: jenni...the laundry
Missa: i LOVE to do laundry
Jen: i know you love laundry
Missa: all my tshirts get wet
Jenni: you love your laundry... dirty and wet
Missa: it goes in cycles, its hot and steamy for an hour or so, but then it cools down
It's almost poetry, the things we can do with something as innocent as laundry. Except, the exact opposite of laundry0
And now the real reason for this post... THE FUNNIEST STORY OF ALL TIME!!! Written by Melissa, exclusively for me! But I have decided to post it here for historic purposes. If you don't get it, or it scares you... you're not alone. But I love it. I present to you...
-Scene - Gollum (the eunuch) is looking for his penis, because Sauron stole it, obviously. Melissa has gone to get it back-
He makes me do everything for him! im gonna march up to the dark tower, look sauron right in the eye (get it? hehe) and scream at the top of my lungs "GIVE ME GOLLUMS PENIS BACK!!" and then he will hand to me right there and then i will go back to gollum and say " the only way u can get ur penis back is if u tell me exactly how they cut it off" and then he will look at it, and say "thats not my penis u evil eunuchsucking bitch" and then i will be like "what? this isnt urs? then whose is it?"
camera pans- -we see little sam pulling down frodos pants and then gasping- "Mr Frodo!" Sam will say, "ur hobbithood has gone missing! where did it go?" "oh.." frodo will say "i must have left if behind in mordor" "now why would u do such a thing?" Sam will say "u know im the only one who can touch ur little precious, u wouldnt..." -sams gulps- "cheat on me , would u!?!?!" Frodo will say "never! not unless... i found someone better than u.." "like who?" sam will say. "umm...im sorry sam, can u trust me once more? i accidentally had hobbit/evil eye sex with sauron and he took my penis as a souvenir of our great night. im sorry" -long dramatic pause- "but where? when?.....how? everyone knows that if they have sex with u i will kick their ass"sam will say. "we had a few drinks" frodo will answer, "and then one thing led to another and i had my little precious inside a great eye of fire..and it felt soo good...i had to Sam, im sorry". Sam will look Frodo in the eye and he will say "oh screw that, now let me fuck u in the ass!" "okay" frodo will say, and he will smile showing his gap in his teeth while Sam does his business. "we can always just borrow a penis from someone else....." Sam will say.
Five seconds later...
"Okay, im done. how was it?" Sam will say. "that was the greatest five seconds of my life" Frodo will say, "but i awfully miss my little precious" "lets go steal Legolas' penis, he wont notice" sam will suggest. "but its so big, and hard, and long, and juicy..." Frodo will say. "and how would u know that?" Sam will ask. "uhhhh....Aragorn told me" Frodo will answer, blushing. "okay then, we shall steal it...mahahahaha..and finally, frodo will have a hood that is not little" Sam will say.
-we will see sam and frodo sneaking into legolas and aragorns camp, pull down legolas' pants, take his penis and run-
"ive got it! ive got it!" sam will say. "give it to me! i want to hold it and put it on!" Frodo will say.
-sam gives the immensely large elfhood to frodo-
"ooh" Frodo will say. "its gotten bigger since the last time i saw"
"you saw?" Sam will ask.
"umm...yes. he flashed me, i told him to pull his pants back up but he HAD to keep making me look at it for a long time" Frodo will say.
"ok, getting back to our pathetic hobbit sex" Sam will say.
-sam and frodo have a great night with lots of sucking and blowing and putting things in certain areas..umm yeah-
-camera pans- -We will see Legolas and Aragorn waking up to find (dramatic pause) LEGOLAS' PENIS IS GONE!!!-
"OH..My....GOD..." legolas will say
"who took it? who would want it?" aragorn will say
"what do u mean who would want it? EVERYONE wants an elfs penis, they are so marvelous" legolas will say.
"oh yes...im sorry, i just miss it so much" aragorn will say and he will weep like a man weeps when his partners penis is missing.
"oh what the fuck, we could just use a stick" Legolas will say.
"fine by me" Aragorn will say.
-camera pans. we will see me and gollum and captain barbossa and david wenham and Balrog (aka fire in bed) in a large bath of strawberry foam. captain barbossa is dresses as a sexy naked skeleton and he is looking for david wenhams treasure, and david wenhams nose is still long and hard with a bone in it. i swear! its like that ALL the time! cant he control it? i think he likes his prosthetic nose too much, well at least captain barbossa does. and then balrog (aka fire in bed) is having fun by himself *wink wink* and me and gollum are having an intense conversation about the meaning of life. psshh yeah right, the only life we are talking about is...oh nevermind i dont want to burn ur virgin mind. -
THE END
STAY TUNED FOR THE SEQUEL...
SIX SECONDS
Coming to an LJ near you.
Good night, my terrified little monkey-faced kitchen appliances :-D