(no subject)
I know that theres reasons that we don't see each other...I mean I know he has band everyday at 5ish or whatever...and now I have a job and shit but...I don't know...I mean there is time there for us...but for some reason I feel like he doesn't even feel like trying...and thats what hurts me on the inside...my dad is always saying I am off chasing him again...and I never really payed attention to what he kept saying to me...maybe I am chaseing him...cause when I look back noones there chaseing me...I don't ever know if he thinks about me when I think about him...I love him uncontrolably...I can't get away from it...but then again I don't want to get away from it...I just wish we had time for each other...I mean we do but it just seems like I am last on his list...and the past two times I have called him he didn't answer...and like right now if he really wanted to see me all he has to do is call me and I could tell him that hey noones home and you can come over...but see theres that whole thought that he doesn't want to try...I just can't wait till school starts cause then I can see him everyday...and I'll be happy again...plus when band is over...Oh god its going to be great...cause then hes mine again...but just bet me that I will never see him cause he'll be off with matt and his brother and it'll just be like it is now...I FUCKING HATE THIS!!!!!!!!! why am I always the fucking side line girl...why I mean I swear...I love attention and I don't get it from the one I love...its a FUCKING soap opera...I just want to be with him every chance I can get and thats why I drop everything to see him...like the other day me and my mom were planning on going shopping and ya know being all mother daughter stuff...and he called me like an hour before we were going to leave and I just fucking up and left to go to his house...GOD DAMNIT...why...why do I fucking love him so much...its not fair...Can't we love with out hurting...I mean I swear its impossible...I just want to see him...I know that our last "fightinsh thing" was over this and I told him that it would hurt me 10 times as much if I didn't have him at all then to not see him all the time and when I do its 20thousand times better...I mean I seriously don't want to lose him...I love him and I don't think that I could take not having him very well...theres not much left to my heart but what is left he has and if he breaks it...then its gone...there'd be nothing left to me...