lost battle.
finally it has come to this.
and i lost the battle, again.
i've been holding back. but too bad, this is MY space. my prerogative.
*edit.. // yes, my space to write and say whatever i want. thats why its a public post at first.... but then again, i dont want people to judge that person/ have him get angry at me for writing this either... so I've locked this post. but i'm so frustrated now that i decided to unlock, re-lock and, unlocked it again.. ugh.
you know, i tried so hard to make things work. try not to get on ur nerves. try to find ways to compromise. try accept all the rules u set for what i can and cannot do in this non existent "r/s". and maybe i haven't done enough, compromised enough, been the kinda girl u expect me to be..but i'm not perfect and i always thought i already tried really hard to do my best in it... so what went wrong?
u say i expect too much... but what did i expect? am i wrong to expect the norms? for someone to hold my hand, tell me he misses me, and to spend time together? lets see... u don't hold my hand, u never told me u miss me let alone say u love me, most of the time its me who have to ask u out. and i forgot to mention, i'm only limited to once a week.. anymore than that u get pissed off at me. so did i expect wrongly?
u say i'm too sticky... but in what way? becos i always refuse to get down the car when u send me home? becos i always want a hug, to hold ur hand to meet u? then tell me, how not to be when i don't get to see u as often as i would have liked? how not to be when u take me out for dinner, perhaps a movie later and say my time is up, time to go home? how not to be when u dont even want to touch me, and u literally push me away when i come near u? of cos i want to spend abit more time on that one day u're free to meet me. so am i too sticky for being like normal girls?
u say i'm too emo.. ya sure! u bet i'm emo and sensitive. i'm a girl. i get upset when i dont get a hug, when i dont feel loved, when i get scolded, when u say "i'm reluctant to meet u", "i dont want to meet u cos i hate sending u home", and "i dont believe in shit like valentine's day". how should i have responded? should i feel good about it? laugh? give u a fist bump? maybe take it like a man?!
and so.............u say u're too busy... let see, people juggling work, studies (with test and projects of cos), soccer, family, friends and finally, girlfriends.... RAISE UR HANDS. i bet there are plenty.
oh and so now i'm not understanding enough cos despite knowing that u have that many commitments i still force my way in to get u to meet me and stuff? heh, you know, its not like i die also want to go out on a date, have a fanciful dinner, watch movie, go shopping etc. Screw the movies and the dates. i dont mind just being around u. watch u play soccer (no wait, u dont like it), read my book on ur sofa while u do ur project (no wait, u ban me from ur house.), take afternoon naps together aft ur school/work (wait, i'm still banned), have a fulfilling day where we have dinner, walk ard abit and not have u push me away etc..and DONE, we can go home and then i dont stall ur time outside my house. (no wait, u dont like holding hands!)... i know u are busy, u got things to do.. u got ur" f***ing studies hanging on the f***ing thread..." but u just dont get it that all i need is quality time spent/being ard u and not go out on a planned date! u say u got a test. need to do project. okay fine, i wait. i dont bug u to meet me at all for the last few days.... and when i thought we could meet, u get pissed cos i'm not understanding enough that u still got things to do.... i dont get it. so many ppl got so many things to do yet make time for other things then why cant u.
so after all that has been said and done, what can i do? suck it up. yes that's what i do best all the time. i'm not entitled to complain. i'm not entitled to whine about things. i'm not entitled to get angry. i'm not entitled to be like a normal girl to get upset and throw a fit. becos why? u'll get pissed off. even when im upset abt sth u do, u get pissed off at me for being emo. and what do i get in the end? nothing. i will still be at the losing end cos i'm just not good enough for u and i'm not how u expect me to be.
if someone really cares for someone, they would want to try make things work right? try make some changes, compromise, or apologize... well, its been two days now, and knowing that i'm upset, u never did call, texted, ask if i'm okay, see how we can work things out from here, make some changes on both ends.... NOPE. nothing of that sort. HOW NOT to feel even more upset? Fine, ignore me.. IF i'm the one who did something wrong. Fine, ignore me... IF i get upset all the time and u're sick of pacifying me. but what did i do and how many times do i actually get upset and end up its me who have to apologise and take the initiative to call u so that u would start talking to me again?
this only means one thing. u never really did cared or liked me for real. people dont treat people they love like that.
so i guess this silent treatment is our way of calling it Quits?? hai.. i'm prepared for that alr... and i meant it when i tell my friends its officially over. besides everyone tells me to let it go so that i wont get hurt again.. but i dont know if i'm silly.. i'm still waiting for that call to come....i doubt it will happen...but i'm still hopeful. u know very well that no matter what it is, as long as u come, smile, give me a hug, i'll let it all pass. and contrary to what u think, i never expected u to be the perfect guy i have in mind...all i need to know is that u want it to work, make it work, u love me, and for u to act "normally" in a r/s. is that too much to ask for? i dont know how else i can comprise to make things work anymore. help me out here... i dont want to lose a friend again. :(