beneath that smile
hello. it's been a long time. :)
i stopped blogging ever since i set foot in the states becos 1. tapping onto internet was a pain in the ass. if i wanted to i had to sit out in the cold cold weather. 2. i was too caught up with living life there. So yeah.. i decided to MIA out of a sudden...Now that i'm back, i no longer have the drive to blog about anything and i'm too lazy to upload pictures from my trip. i've been to too many places, seen too many things, done too much... its hard to sum up all that i've experienced in the last 5 months. But it was definitely the best time of my life, and i wouldnt exchange it for anything else.
Basically I stayed 4 months in Santa Cruz, California.. working most of the time at the Beach Boardwalk, Operating rides. Lived in a small apartment just across the beach, where i had a room, a kitchen, a toilet and a "walk in wardrobe". My neighbours were people from all over the world..and it wasnt before long that we all became close friends. Singaporeans, Bulgarians, Serbians, Americans, Mexicans, Macedonians, Czech Republicans, Saudi arabian, Kazakhstanian, Koreanm Taiwanese, Jamaicans, polish.... u name it we've got it. haha and all i did there was Work, hang out at each other's apartments, cook, sleep.... sounds reallyy boring but it all felt so right. Mondays i'd go to Safeway (their local NTUC) to buy meat, kitchen stuff, Tuesdays i'd visit the mexican lady across the street to get my vegetables, other days i'd be doing laundry, cleaning the house... everyday i'd cook (no joke. i cook EVERYDAY), everyday i'd be waking up to people knocking on my door to borrow oil, salt, or just to chat.. (my house has guest over every single day) and everynight there would be people in my apartment cooking, snacking, and slacking... Life was "routined" and simple. But i was really contented. I dont earn much, but i had enough to pay for my apartment, buy groceries, Things for my house, shopping, travelling...and i still had extras.
During those 4 months, its not just work and home too.. on my off days we'd rent a few cars and drive up to places. I went to Yosemite national Park (12 hour hike!), Los Angeles, San Diego, Santa barbara, Lake tahoe, San Fransisco.. went to other theme parks around California, like Sea World (Sandiego), Great America, Six Flags Discovery Kingdom... we always took a bus to San jose to get to outlets like Gilroy, Greatmall in malipitas to shop... my friend would drive us up to the korean and asian market to stock up on my chinese cooking stuff..., i also went on a Sail, i did Surfing, cherry picking.... not forgetting house parties.. SO SO SO SO SO many things and SO SO SO much fun.
obviously on my last day i cried like shit. cos i was so upset that i'll never get to see my friends again.. it wasnt all too bad as soon as people started messaging me on facebook and until now we're all still sending each other update emails. So after 4months, i packed up and i left my home in Santa cruz... but i wasnt going home yet. I travelled a WHOPPING 30Days around the states. went back to Los angeles (santa monica, Pasadena, Hollywood, beverly hills, downtown and west LA ,Disney and Universal studios), Las Vegas (where i stayed along the strip, went to a strip club too haha, fremont st experience, caught a musical there ..), Arizona (Grand Canyon), Orlando Florida (Universal studios, and basically stayed in the hostel hanging out with a new found friend from the UK, ireland etc..), New Jersey, Philadelphia pennsylvania (benjamin franklin bridge, independance hall, liberty bell), Virginia, Washington D.C. (White house, all the diff memorial halls), NYC (Niagara Falls), Boston, New York (Statue of Liberty, Time Square, Grand central park, Rockerfella park, Manhattan, Wall street, NY stock xchange, all the bridges, WTC site etc....)..
omg, seriously so many places that my wallet went empty and i was seriously so tired from all that travelling. never saw myself talking so many airplanes in short span of a month. yes and that one month went by just like that... before i know it i was packing up from my hostel in NYC and leaving for taiwan.:( i stayed in Taiwan for 4days before coming back to singapore.. it was good fun.
AND SO. now i'm back and lost. i know i have to find a job and stuff.. which i am... (i'm just being too picky for my own good.) but, i really dont know what to do now. it feels so hard adapting to life back in singapore... i'm still stuck in laid back santa cruz. life. heh. i have no money, no aim in life, i feel like i just came back to where i left off and that last 5 months was like a dream that wooozed past just like that. i thought i'd come back feeling good, bring home the things i learn in the states, be less of a bummer... but nope, i got worse. heh. so yea, i'm back to Square one ,damnit.
After that whole shit long grandmother story, i'm back to what i came here to rant about in the first place. And that is beneath that smile, i'm bitter about life. I had plans before this. i had an idea of how my life would turn out. but silly me gave it all up in the name of freedom and fun. Dajie was the first major setback and the stupidest mistake i've ever made... its the Perfect epitome of finding the right guy at the wrong time i suppose. (ohwells.still bitter but living with it, and no, i'm not thinking of getting back. keep feeling like i have to make a constant disclaimer about it heh) but seriously.. that's one of the reason why i feel oh so lost. the last 7 years of my life i've centered my plans, hopes and dreams around that one guy..and now that he's gone, i cant seem to work my way around it. But Lo and behold i met xxxxxx. (obviously there's is one an only one Xxxxxx. but! name can't be disclosed cos that asshole has something about being anonymous and unaquinted to me) anyhow.. i seriously thought ,okay, maybe we could work out. it seemed fine in the beginning.. and i was somewhat ready to move on... but NOPE. no status, no intimacy, no caring words nothing. heh. i take it as karma seriously.. after one freaking year i'm still stuck in this rut. and it hurts alot. :( i try my best to be better than when i was with dajie.. but i guess i'm just doing something wrong thats why. :( dont get me wrong, he is a great guy..i doubt anyone can crack me up like he does and i like him just the way he is.. but sometimes i cant even explain how hurtful it is.. he doesnt know how hurtful it is either. and if only you (whoever u are reading) knew how things are like too... i really feel like i cant do it anymore and i'm | | this close to throwing in the towel. but i dont know what's holding me back. i guess its just the slightest hope that things would make a turn around. so thats another reason why i'm bitter. this whole karma thing is killing me. ANYWAYS. yeah, the strangest thing is that ever since i came back.. i suddenly have a few people errm you know.. like suitors. (this is so weird saying but yaa).. some are REALLLLY good guys...mostly singaporeans and europeans heh (even weirder). but i just cant cant cant cant cant cant feel anything. i think part of me gave up already.. dajie and Xxxxxx killed something in me. up to a point, i dont know how to fall in love or to be courted, date and be in a relationship anymore. i'm just so tired of everything.. how does it actually feels to love and be loved and be appreciated and be treated as someone's girlfriend??? There's nothing to be bitter about this..but.. it pisses me off that even with these people coming along the way, i dont feel anything despite the fact that i want to settle down and get married soon. i'm not desperate duh. but is there something wrong with me?? Where the hell is Mr. RIght to sweeeep me off my feet? omgawd. got so hard to find a guy i like and vice versa and be NORMAL meh? and now the saddest saddest part of my life, which i refuse refuse to admit most time, is leaving church. i dont even have anything to say about it. i'm just disappointed in myself. not only did i leave church, i ended up in an alcohol frenzy..(i'm not crazy about it, but i do drink alot.) and not only do i drink, i pick up sticks too. if u know what i mean. i'm swallowing my pride saying these things now cos it doesnt look good on me, so i hope whoever reads this shit dont go around discussing my wrong doings. its the last thing i want to be associated with and i'm embarrassed by it.. but i'm just screwd up now and i'm trying to be real. i'm human, i make mistakes. i'm trying.
heh. okay i seriously dont know what i was talking about in the last para. i dont even want to bother reading back if i made any sense. i'm just ranting. majorly. like I'm SO SO SO PISSED at myself. ugh. lavonnnnnee pls Get a grip, get a life, find meaning again. tsk. anyway. i highly doubt anyone reads this anymore. haa ohwells. my blog my prerogative to write what i want. and this is one hellava emo update.
kbye