A Little Weirdness...
I have posted the funny and often strange e-mails from my cousin in PA, so here are a few more to add.
Browsing Old Cemeteries
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
Car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
Place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only The Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And
The Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
Wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me
For not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
Out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing
On the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent .
Until I know which way you went.
I'm not big on chain letters, religious things or send this out to X number of people or whatever will happen, but I do like the sentiments expressed in the poem. I do believe in angels.
A Poem That Gives You Goosebumps...
A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup
On 109 that night.
When broken bodies lay about
And blood was everywhere,
"The sirens screamed out eulogies,
For death was in the air.
A mother, trapped inside her car,
Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air:
"Oh, God, please spare my boys!"
She fought to loose her pinned hands;
She struggled to get free,
But mangled metal held her fast
In grim captivity.
Her frightened eyes then focused
On where the back seat once had been,
But all she saw was broken glass and
Two children's seats crushed in.
Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
She did not hear them cry,
And then she prayed they'd been thrown free,
"Oh, God, don't let them die! "
Then firemen came and cut her loose,
But when they searched the back,
They found therein no little boys,
But the seat belts were intact.
They thought the woman had gone mad
And was traveling alone,
But when they turned to question her,
They discovered she was gone.
Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise
In beseeching supplication,
"Please help me find my boys!
They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
Their jeans are blue to match."
One cop spoke up, "They're in my car,
And they don't have a scratch.
They said their daddy put them there
And gave them each a cone,
Then told them both to wait for Mom
To come and take them home."
"I've searched the area high and low,
But I can't find their dad.
He must have fled the scene,
I guess, and that is very bad.."
The mother hugged the twins and said,
While wiping at a tear,
"He could not flee the scene, you see, "
For he's been dead a year."
The cop just looked confused and asked,
"Now, how can that be true? "
"The boys said, "Mommy, Daddy came
And left a kiss for you."
"He told us not to worry
And that you would be all right,
And then he put us in this car with
The pretty, flashing light. "
"We wanted him to stay with us,
Because we miss him so,
But Mommy, he just hugged us tight
And said he had to go."
"He said someday we'd understand
And told us not to fuss,
And he said to tell you, Mommy,
He's watching over us."
The mother knew without a doubt
That what they spoke was true,
For she recalled their dad's last words,
"I will watch over you."
The fireman's notes could not explain
The twisted, mangled car,
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar.
But on the cop's report was scribed,
In print so very fine,
An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109.
SOME POWERFUL THOUGHTS for 2008
These are really very powerful, Implement whenever you can.
1. Take a 10-30 min walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day...Buy a lock if you have to.
3. Record your late night shows and get more sleep.
4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement: 'My purpose is to___ today.'
5. Live with the 3 E's: Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
6. Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did in 2007.
7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.
14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, Negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problem are simply part of the Curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid.
17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.
18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their is all about.
24. Burn the candles, use the nice bed sheets, Don't save it for special occasion. Today is special.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five yrs will this matter?'
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. So stop complaining about the weather the job, the rent, etc etc31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
33. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
34. The best is yet to come.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
36. Do the right thing!
37. Call your family often.
38. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements:
'I am thankful for ___.'
Today I accomplished ____.
39. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
40. Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride. May your troubles be less. May your blessings be more. And may nothing but happiness come through your door!
With apologies to any of you that are blonde!
BLONDE AND PREGNANT
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great, tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean "more"?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Priceline and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away. Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blon de for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle a nd screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day
The Russian said, "We were the first in space! The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Menopause Jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond... Dumb ass!!This one reminds me of legal cases were robbers have broken into peoples' homes, sued and won. Every time I see one of them, it makes me glad to be living in a state where I have the right to defend myself and my home from someone breaking in.
"Let's Say I Break Into Your House"
A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials
in ages!!! It explains things better than all
the baloney you hear on TV.
Her point:
Recently large demonstrations have taken place
across the country protesting the fact that Congress
is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration.
Certain people are angry that
the US might protect its own
borders, might make it harder
to sneak into this country and,
once here, to stay indefinitely.
Let me see if I correctly understand
the thinking behind these protests.
Let's say I break into your house.
Let's say that when you discover
me in your house, you insist that I leave.
But I say, "I've made all
the beds and washed the
dishes and did the laundry
and swept the floors. I've
done all the things you don't
like to do. I'm hard-working
and honest
(except for when I broke into your
house) .
According to the protesters:
You are Required to let me stay in your house
You are Required to add me to your family's insurance
plan
You are Required to Educate my kids
You are Required to Provide many other social benefits
to me & to my family
You are Required to Give my children born here automatic citizenship
You are Required to Look the other way when I drive without a Driver's
License
You are Required to Look the other way when I drive my automobile
without Liability Insurance
You are Required to Look the other way when I am disrespectful to your
law enforcement officials and disregard your laws. After all, I'm not a
citizen of YOUR country!
My husband will do all of your yard work because he is
also hard-working and honest. (except for that breaking
in part).
If you try to call the police or force me out,
I will call my friends who will picket your
house carrying signs that proclaim my
RIGHT to be there.
It's only fair, after all, because you have a
nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying
to better myself. I'm a hard-working
and honest person, except for well, you
know, I did break into your house. A nd,
what a deal it is for me!
I live in your house, contributing only a
fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is
nothing you can do about it without being
accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced,
and bigoted behavior.
Oh yeah, I DEMAND that you learn
MY LANGUAGE, so you can communicate
with me.
Why can't people see how ridiculous
this is?! Only in America !
I have no proof if this is true or not, but I have always believed that truth is stranger than fiction. AND you can never be too careful especially if you are a woman traveling alone or with small children:
A RAPIST'S Trick
Know what money you are carrying! You will see why as you read! Be sure every lady is aware of this M.O.
Share with it your wife and daughters. Know what money (what kind of bills - $5's, $10's, etc) you are carrying.......
This was the first I have heard of a scheme like this..... I wanted to pass it along. Be safe! Something very serious to pay
attention to. Criminals are coming up with craftier, less threatening methods of attack, so we have to be extra cautious.
Read on: I live in Alexandria, VA , but I often work in Lafayette, LA, staying with friends when I'm there. As you may know from America's Most Wanted TV program, as well as the news media, there is a serial killer in the Lafayette area. I just want to let you know about an 'incident' that happened to me a few weeks ago, and could have been deadly
At first I didn't go to the police or anyone with it because I didn't realize how serious this encounter was. But since I work in a jail and I told a few people about it, it wasn't long before I was paraded into Internal Affairs to tell them my story.
It was approximately 5:15 a.m. in Opelousas ,LA., had stayed with a friend there and was on my way to work. I stopped at the Exxon/Blimpie Pie station to get gas. I got $10 gas and a Diet Coke. I took into the store two $5 bills and one $1 bill (just enough to get my stuff). As I pulled away from the store, a man approached my truck from the back side of the store (an un-lit area). He was an approachable-looking man (clean cut, clean shaven, dressed well, etc.).
He walked up to my window and knocked. Since I'm very paranoid and 'always looking for the rapist or killer,' I didn't open the window. I just asked what he wanted. He raised a $5 bill to my window and said, 'You dropped this.' Since I knew I had gone into the store with a certain amount of money, I knew I didn't drop it. When I told him it wasn't mine, he began hitting the window and door, screaming at me to open my door, and insisting that I had dropped the money! At that point, I just drove away as fast as I could.
After talking to the Internal Affairs Department and describing the man I saw, and the way he escalated from calm and polite to angry and volatile...it was determined that I could have possibly encountered the serial killer myself.
Up to this point, it had been unclear as to how he had gained access to his victims, since there has been no evidence of forced entry into victim's homes, cars, etc. And the fact that he has been attacking in the daytime, when women are less likely to have their guard up, means he is pretty BOLD.
So think about it...what gesture is nicer than returning money to someone that dropped it????? How many times would you have opened your window (or door) to get your money and say thank you.... because if the person is kind enough to return something to you, then he can't really be a threat....can he????
Please be cautious! This might not have been the serial killer... but anyone that gets that angry over someone not accepting money from them, can't have honorable intentions. The most important thing to note is that his reaction was NOT WHAT I EXPECTED! A total surprise! But what might have happened if I had opened my door? I shudder to think!
P.S. Ladies, really DO forward this to EVERYONE you know Even if this man wasn't a serial killer, he looked nice, he seemed polite, he was apparently doing an act of kindness, but HE WAS NOT A NICE PERSON!!! Men, send it to all the women in your life. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.
This just cracked me up!
Spring Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Mar. 26, 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning! How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day!
What I've Learned
(Read it through to the end; it gets better as you go!)
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing 'Silent Night.' --Age 5
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. --Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. -- Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. -- Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. ---Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. -- Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. -- Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. -- Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. --Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. --Age 30
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. --Age 42
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note. -- Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. --Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. --Age 47
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. --Age 48
I've learned that singing 'Amazing Grace' can lift my spirits for hours. --Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. --Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. --Age 51
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. --Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. --Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. --Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. --Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. --Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. --Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. ---Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. --Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. --Age 72
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. --Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. --Age 90
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. --Age 92
--------------------------------------
I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.
Not sure if this is true either, but it's a hmmm thing.
This is for all you who would like to learn just a little
Easter this year is: Sunday March 23, 2008As you may know, Easter is always the 1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20).This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that Hebrew people used to identify passover, which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar.
Found out a couple of things you might be interested in!
Based on the above, Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22) but that is pretty rare.
This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives! And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above!). And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier! Here are the facts:
The next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228 (220 years from now). The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that!).
The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 (277 years from now). The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So, no one alive today has or will ever see it any earlier than this year!
Bobbitt Family Update
In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louella, was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with .....
A Misdewiener!
THE HORMONE HOSTAGE
THE HORMONE HOSTAGE KNOWS THAT THERE ARE DAYS IN
THE MONTH WHEN ALL A MAN HAS TO DO IS OPEN HIS MOUTH
& HE TAKES HIS LIFE INTO HIS OWN HANDS! THIS IS A HANDY
GUIDE THAT SHOULD BE AS COMMON AS A DRIVER'S LICENSE
IN THE WALLET OF EVERY HUSBAND, BOYFRIEND,
CO-WORKER, OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!
DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:
WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
CAN I HELP YOU WITH DINNER?
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR DINNER?
HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.
ARE YOU
WEARING THAT?
WOW, YOU SURE LOOK GOOD IN BROWN!
WOW!
LOOK AT YOU!
HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.
WHAT ARE YOU
SO WORKED UP ABOUT?
COULD WE BE OVERREACTING?
HERE'S MY PAYCHECK.
HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.
SHOULD YOU BE EATING THAT?
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF APPLES LEFT.
CAN I GET YOU A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE WITH THAT?
HERE, HAVE
SOME WINE.
WHAT DID
YOU DO
ALL DAY?
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T OVER-DO IT TODAY.
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU IN THAT ROBE!
HERE, HAVE
SOME MORE
WINE.
12 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
1. PASS MY SHOTGUN
2. PSYCHOTIC MOOD SWING
3. PERPETUAL MUNCHING SPREE
4. PUFFY MID-SECTION
5. PEOPLE MAKE me SICK
6. PROVIDE ME with SWEETS
7. PARDON MY SOBBING
8. PIMPLES MAY SURFACE
9. PASS MY SWEATS
10. PISSY MOOD SYNDROME
11. PACK MY STUFF
12. POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT
PASS THIS ON TO ALL OF YOUR HORMONAL FRIENDS & THOSE WHO MIGHT NEED A GOOD LAUGH!!
...OR MEN WHO MAY NEED WARNING!!
REMEMBER: MONEY TALKS..... BUT CHOCOLATE ROCKS!!
Last but not least....
Staff Meeting
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a
spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.
When everyone gathered, the boss.... who understood the benefits of having
fun..... told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have
a quick contest.
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally
written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight
variations were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and
created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest
of the week went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be
there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.