No, Joe
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is coming to theaters soon, and having bought Shout! Factory's DVD release of volume one of the first season of G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero, I have absolutely no desire to see the live-action film. This is because of the following reasons (spoilers ahead, if anyone cares):
No Futuristic Vehicles
In the previews of the film that I've seen, the only high-tech weaponry on display is metal exo-suits that apparently give soldiers the ability to Do Things From The Matrix. There is no sign of the aesthetically awesome and thoroughly impractical vehicles from the 80's toy line which were some of the big selling points. When I think of G.I. Joe, I think of H.A.V.O.C. tanks and Trubble Bubbles. How funny would it have been to see Channing Tatum trying to look cool while just dangling off the side of a tank while clutching a laser rifle?
Botching the Baroness
I know what you're thinking: I know I'd like to "botch" the Baroness!
Shut up.
First of all, Sienna Miller is an obscene miscast. I've addressed this before--I've liked Miller ever since seeing her on the underrated Keen Eddie, but a goddamned blonde should not be playing Anastasia de Cobray (according to Wikipedia, that is her real name; I can't decide if it's stupid or awesome). I would like to have seen Rhona Mitra in the role.
That's not even the worst part. Her backstory involves her being Duke's jilted lover, who was stood up at the altar. And she's secretly Cobra Commander's sister but she doesn't know it. AND she's being mind-controlled into working for Cobra.
Were the writers trying to see how many shitty cliches they could dump on to one character? The only redeeming thing about this characterization is that the website on which I found this information also had this gem in the comments section:
I have no problem with a few creative liberties here and there. But this one has gone too far. They've even added an interracial love affair between Ripcord and Scarlett. Why? So they can draw in one more minority crowd.
Sins of Omission
It would admittedly be very difficult to fit in EVERY popular character from a show with such an expansive roster as G.I. Joe. Even so, there are some absences that stand out more than others.
The biggest loss for me is the Crimson Twins, Tomax and Xamot. Businessmen by day, inexplicably-trained-acrobats and Cobra agents by night, the Crimson Twins were a lot of fun because of their tendency to finish each other's sentences (even if the sentence was just "COOOOO..." "...BRAAAAAAAA!") and the fact that each one felt the other's pain. Flint would punch Xamot in the stomach, and Tomax would suddenly flinch and clutch his midsection. That gag never got old!
While Baroness is the gold standard for hot cartoon women, the best female character on the G.I. Joe team is easily Lady Jaye. So why is she the only one of the THREE good guy females who isn't in the film in any capacity? Scarlett was just a Token Female with a crossbow. Cover Girl's model-turned-tank-driving-soldier-to-prove-her-substance wasn't bad, but in the movie she's just General Hawk's secretary. Why was there no room in the movie for a bold brunette with quiver full of trick javelins?
Marlon Wayans
This is the best way I can think of to illustrate this point; check out Mr. Wayans' filmography here: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005541/
As you can see from that listing, every film that Marlon Wayans has been in has been one of two things: Complete and Utter Shit, or Requiem For a Dream.
I will freely admit that I am not a Vegas oddsman, but if I had to guess, I would say that G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is far more likely to be Complete and Utter Shit. However, if I'm wrong, I look forward to seeing how many Oscars it picks up next year.
Cobra Commander
I really can't imagine how anyone could accurately bring Cobra Commander to life. I'm not knocking the kid from 3rd Rock; I don't know what would be a good way to do that. If the original voice actor, Chris Latta, were still alive, I'd suggest doing a Darth Vader David Prowse/James Earl Jones kind of thing, and have someone with good physical presence play the character, and have Latta dub in the dialogue in post. Good luck, Tommy Solomon!
Brendan Fraser, Idea Man
Brendan Fraser plays a motorcycle-riding sergeant whom he dubbed a "refugee from the Village People". Fraser stated "I'd like to think of him (the character) as a descendant of Rick O'Connell from The Mummy," thus linking both of Sommers' films.
No thank you, Brendan.
These are my main concerns and why I will probably give this film a miss in theaters. However, in the interest of fairness, let me conclude with a list of things that it looks like G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra appears to have done right:
Snake Eyes
Storm Shadow
I will be willing to forgive some of this if the sequel's plotline is the creation of Serpentor.
No Futuristic Vehicles
In the previews of the film that I've seen, the only high-tech weaponry on display is metal exo-suits that apparently give soldiers the ability to Do Things From The Matrix. There is no sign of the aesthetically awesome and thoroughly impractical vehicles from the 80's toy line which were some of the big selling points. When I think of G.I. Joe, I think of H.A.V.O.C. tanks and Trubble Bubbles. How funny would it have been to see Channing Tatum trying to look cool while just dangling off the side of a tank while clutching a laser rifle?
Botching the Baroness
I know what you're thinking: I know I'd like to "botch" the Baroness!
Shut up.
First of all, Sienna Miller is an obscene miscast. I've addressed this before--I've liked Miller ever since seeing her on the underrated Keen Eddie, but a goddamned blonde should not be playing Anastasia de Cobray (according to Wikipedia, that is her real name; I can't decide if it's stupid or awesome). I would like to have seen Rhona Mitra in the role.
That's not even the worst part. Her backstory involves her being Duke's jilted lover, who was stood up at the altar. And she's secretly Cobra Commander's sister but she doesn't know it. AND she's being mind-controlled into working for Cobra.
Were the writers trying to see how many shitty cliches they could dump on to one character? The only redeeming thing about this characterization is that the website on which I found this information also had this gem in the comments section:
I have no problem with a few creative liberties here and there. But this one has gone too far. They've even added an interracial love affair between Ripcord and Scarlett. Why? So they can draw in one more minority crowd.
Sins of Omission
It would admittedly be very difficult to fit in EVERY popular character from a show with such an expansive roster as G.I. Joe. Even so, there are some absences that stand out more than others.
The biggest loss for me is the Crimson Twins, Tomax and Xamot. Businessmen by day, inexplicably-trained-acrobats and Cobra agents by night, the Crimson Twins were a lot of fun because of their tendency to finish each other's sentences (even if the sentence was just "COOOOO..." "...BRAAAAAAAA!") and the fact that each one felt the other's pain. Flint would punch Xamot in the stomach, and Tomax would suddenly flinch and clutch his midsection. That gag never got old!
While Baroness is the gold standard for hot cartoon women, the best female character on the G.I. Joe team is easily Lady Jaye. So why is she the only one of the THREE good guy females who isn't in the film in any capacity? Scarlett was just a Token Female with a crossbow. Cover Girl's model-turned-tank-driving-soldier-to-prove-her-substance wasn't bad, but in the movie she's just General Hawk's secretary. Why was there no room in the movie for a bold brunette with quiver full of trick javelins?
Marlon Wayans
This is the best way I can think of to illustrate this point; check out Mr. Wayans' filmography here: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005541/
As you can see from that listing, every film that Marlon Wayans has been in has been one of two things: Complete and Utter Shit, or Requiem For a Dream.
I will freely admit that I am not a Vegas oddsman, but if I had to guess, I would say that G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is far more likely to be Complete and Utter Shit. However, if I'm wrong, I look forward to seeing how many Oscars it picks up next year.
Cobra Commander
I really can't imagine how anyone could accurately bring Cobra Commander to life. I'm not knocking the kid from 3rd Rock; I don't know what would be a good way to do that. If the original voice actor, Chris Latta, were still alive, I'd suggest doing a Darth Vader David Prowse/James Earl Jones kind of thing, and have someone with good physical presence play the character, and have Latta dub in the dialogue in post. Good luck, Tommy Solomon!
Brendan Fraser, Idea Man
Brendan Fraser plays a motorcycle-riding sergeant whom he dubbed a "refugee from the Village People". Fraser stated "I'd like to think of him (the character) as a descendant of Rick O'Connell from The Mummy," thus linking both of Sommers' films.
No thank you, Brendan.
These are my main concerns and why I will probably give this film a miss in theaters. However, in the interest of fairness, let me conclude with a list of things that it looks like G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra appears to have done right:
Snake Eyes
Storm Shadow
I will be willing to forgive some of this if the sequel's plotline is the creation of Serpentor.