(no subject)
Wow, I havent gone to this thing in a while. It seems like I always vent to this. But here it goes again...
Yea as usual I'm depressed again. Trying to re-think if college was a good idea. I've been watching Heroes lately and was thinking if I can change my past, how much happier I would be. Then I wouldnt be in this position. I just feel that I am so worthless. Is working right now for a better job good? Is it going to change anything in life and the world around me? Well I would never know, but it would be great to. Just this worthless -ness is killing me. Just consuming my mind and health. I cant do things that I want. Things are right there but I just cant access them. Things that are right in front of my face, but just out of reach. Things that I want to feel and try that others are benefiting from. Thanksgiving is coming up and I thought, what do I have to thank for? Except that my parents are paying a ton of money for me to be here in school so I have a better life. But that feeling of being so worthless that I have to leech off of my parents just so I would have a better life? I have to keep lying to myself and my parents that I am a good student and I will succeed in life. I feel bad for people that will have to put up with me later in life and maybe even now.
"Just want to get away...I want to fly away" <- this song was playing as I was driving around a bit (and I thought driving would make me feel better...Nope) I just do. Just fly away. No worries, well maybe except landing and gravity and all those other stuff, but yea getting away. That would be great. I hope I can get to Japan this winter. I just need something different and something that is literally away. Someone who is away. Hopefully she can help me or save me from this pithole of neverending depression and sorrow. I sound so emo right now...
I'll just stop here for now. It seems that I always feel 0.01% happier when I post here.
Yea as usual I'm depressed again. Trying to re-think if college was a good idea. I've been watching Heroes lately and was thinking if I can change my past, how much happier I would be. Then I wouldnt be in this position. I just feel that I am so worthless. Is working right now for a better job good? Is it going to change anything in life and the world around me? Well I would never know, but it would be great to. Just this worthless -ness is killing me. Just consuming my mind and health. I cant do things that I want. Things are right there but I just cant access them. Things that are right in front of my face, but just out of reach. Things that I want to feel and try that others are benefiting from. Thanksgiving is coming up and I thought, what do I have to thank for? Except that my parents are paying a ton of money for me to be here in school so I have a better life. But that feeling of being so worthless that I have to leech off of my parents just so I would have a better life? I have to keep lying to myself and my parents that I am a good student and I will succeed in life. I feel bad for people that will have to put up with me later in life and maybe even now.
"Just want to get away...I want to fly away" <- this song was playing as I was driving around a bit (and I thought driving would make me feel better...Nope) I just do. Just fly away. No worries, well maybe except landing and gravity and all those other stuff, but yea getting away. That would be great. I hope I can get to Japan this winter. I just need something different and something that is literally away. Someone who is away. Hopefully she can help me or save me from this pithole of neverending depression and sorrow. I sound so emo right now...
I'll just stop here for now. It seems that I always feel 0.01% happier when I post here.