Wake me up from this nightmare
Ok, I feel like crap. But thats ok! Today I had a breakdown after chemistry. I studied all night for it, I had everything memorized! I even knew the godamn diatomic atoms by heart! Mrs. Aurthor said 'only study chapter 6' and thats what I studied. What happens? Turns out I had to memorize stupid formula's!! What kind of sick joke was this. After all that time and effort I put into studying, it was for almost nothing? return even though i specifically indicated to give them all to my sister Jessica so I could review them prior to my arrival at school after surgery. I couldn't help but feel seriously pissed, but I kept telling myself, its ok, it was a mistake, it won't affect my grades that badly. Then I find out I had about 3 tests comming up, and 1 I already missed. I hate it when people give me that 'how could you not know' look. Hello I was lying in a hospital bed spitting up blood when you found this out, dumbass! Do you think I would honestly drag myself and my IV to thew school just to see what O had for homework? Ridiculous!
One things for sure, is I don't know what I would have done if Ashley and Kyla didn't find me sobbing in the chapel. I couldn't even cry propperly cause if I so much as open my jaw a fraction of an inch I would break my elastics and be rushed back to the hospital again. So I settled for quite shakey rattling of the chest, sobs. Actually, I was really conforted when they held me and rocked me back and forth telling me softly it would be ok. They sat like that with me for 15 minutes! Ok, you know you have super awsome friends when they will sit patiently for 15 minutes holding you, and letting you cry all over them. I really love you guys, and I don't know what I would have done without you there! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I also want to extend thanks to all the supportive replies Im getting. Which actually surprized me, I thought I would have scared you all off. Wghich goes to show Jill and Maddie have been incredible friends for reading my LJ and offering me support.
Right now, I'm just sick of school and it's demands. I don't know how I will meet them by next week, I am just hoping against hope that it will all be over by next week. Please dear lord, please!
Today, my mom said something that really surprised me. This morning I bauled like a baby at the kitchen table because I couldn't take another shake into my system. They taste so gross, like a micture of processed rancid meat and rotting veggies and fruit. So grross! She got mad at me and said I should suck it up because she dieted on liquids for a few weeks willingly! Now the only difference is she had the comforting fact that she could sweitch right back to solids when she did this. I don't have that little comforting thought. Not to mention I have grades to keep up and I am in pain, and I can hardly communicate. I can't even take much medication because it will hurt my stomach (I asked for a lot of morphine in the hospital because I was in constant pain, i even had the nurses in my room all hours of the night). I thought my mom didn't understand. I thought she was being insensative. So i left without saying goodbye. When I came home, she obviously felt bad and had made me a traditional lebanese 'yogurt soup.' I was so happy! It felt so good to eat something that was ment to be a tastey liquid! I even over herd her confessing to my dad in lebanese how bad she felt cause she knew it was hard for me and I was struggling just to drink the shakes. I know my parents care and thats a comforting fact, I just wish they would express it more often.
Other then that, Im ...'ok.' It's just hard, its so hard. Much harder then I anticipated, which makes me feel even more dumb for being so impossible nieve. Ugh, I need 2 litres of chcolate milk to myself! Ok I need someone to go to out with me to get it so I can drink away the pain!
Alright Im done now. All comments short or long welcome. And anything i said earlier was not directed at anyone in specific, Im just in a general stuffy mood. I think I should get some anti depresents? Nah that would be even dumber, that would just go to show how week I am if I can;t even deal with my own emotions.
XOXO
My happy thought
There is still tomorrow, I have great friends at school, Im going to see Flight Plan tomorrow, and I am getting a liter of chcolate milk to coat the gross taste in my mouth and feel better about myself and my predicament.