(no subject)
my friend just had a baby girl. and for a moment, i allowed myself to get all caught up in it, and i sent her messages and commented on photos...and i just realized that she didn't even bother to call to let me know she was in labor. i had to find out on facebook. this was my friend, my best friend, when i lived in michigan. i lived with her for a couple months after my divorce. i told her every tiny little secret about myself, which hasn't happened before or since. i was in her wedding--the only one in her wedding party who did not have a ton of fun-filled years behind me. when i got engaged, she was the first person i told. she was the only one of my (admitedly small in number) group of friends who supported me, despite her misgivings.
and, before y'all think i am throwing some huge pity party for myself, it's my own stupid fault. she tried to keep in contact with me despite the long distance (she is in virginia now and i am in ny). she came to see me when i was on bed rest during my own pregnancy. but all in all, we've talked twice in the last ten months. twice. and to be completely honest, i dreaded making those two calls. dreaded.
i've completely withdrawn from my life. my old one, that is. my friends will all tell you i am a great one for not returning calls or texts. i don't visit people. i have two whole friends from my whoppin' 29 years of existence. two. and honestly the only reason we're still as close as we are is they are perfectly content to have an almost entirely on-line relationship.
there is something seriously wrong with me. i go on and on and on about how lonely i am, and how i wish i had more friends, and how i wish i had a social life, when i sabotage pretty much every friendship i have. i know that part of it is because i became dependent on my mom to be my one and only true best friend. the rest could come and go because i had her. i sort of saw my relationships with other women through her lens, if that makes any sense. when i lost that, everything seemed to huge and scary to deal with. so i shut down.
but i am so incredibly lonely. i want to have friends. i just didn't feel equipped to deal with every single friendship being long-distance. well, i'd better get used to it. aaron and i decided this past week to re-enlist in the marines when the time comes. which means that any friendship i make in the future will eventually become long distance as well. i really, really hope it's not too late to mend things with my friend who had the baby. i feel like such a moron. i know how stupid and socially stunted i sound blabbering on about my mom and dreading talking on the phone. what is wrong with me? seriously, what is misfiring?
and, before y'all think i am throwing some huge pity party for myself, it's my own stupid fault. she tried to keep in contact with me despite the long distance (she is in virginia now and i am in ny). she came to see me when i was on bed rest during my own pregnancy. but all in all, we've talked twice in the last ten months. twice. and to be completely honest, i dreaded making those two calls. dreaded.
i've completely withdrawn from my life. my old one, that is. my friends will all tell you i am a great one for not returning calls or texts. i don't visit people. i have two whole friends from my whoppin' 29 years of existence. two. and honestly the only reason we're still as close as we are is they are perfectly content to have an almost entirely on-line relationship.
there is something seriously wrong with me. i go on and on and on about how lonely i am, and how i wish i had more friends, and how i wish i had a social life, when i sabotage pretty much every friendship i have. i know that part of it is because i became dependent on my mom to be my one and only true best friend. the rest could come and go because i had her. i sort of saw my relationships with other women through her lens, if that makes any sense. when i lost that, everything seemed to huge and scary to deal with. so i shut down.
but i am so incredibly lonely. i want to have friends. i just didn't feel equipped to deal with every single friendship being long-distance. well, i'd better get used to it. aaron and i decided this past week to re-enlist in the marines when the time comes. which means that any friendship i make in the future will eventually become long distance as well. i really, really hope it's not too late to mend things with my friend who had the baby. i feel like such a moron. i know how stupid and socially stunted i sound blabbering on about my mom and dreading talking on the phone. what is wrong with me? seriously, what is misfiring?