Epiphany
I am so in love. I need to write this down.
Frantic. Sporadic. Frantic. Sporadic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. What am I even saying anymore?
How come I haven't said anything in so long?
So many questions and my friends think I'm on something. And I wiggle my nose and bite on my lip and my eyes roll to the back of my head, for one second, for just that one second, and then I laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and I am laughing and laughing and laughing.
And I'm not even on drugs anymore. I'm not even on drugs anymore.
Still, I am high all of the time.
Slow. Unmotivated. Slow. Sloth. Dazed. Confused. Dazed. Dazed. Dazed. Dazed.
I learn about Elizabethen times and picaro novels and bildungshelden and MLA and APA and we all dream of sleeping.
I sleep and I am dead in sleep and I never used to sleep and now I sleep all the time. I sleep all the time, I came back and you fought for me, now I sleep all the time because I win. I was right. I am right. I stand here tall, I am short, I won. We are in a school stairwell where seeds have been sown before and I deny you, you hit me, and then you come in me and I sigh. I am defeated. You are in love with me. Call me, sub, Miss I've never been so in tune with the colour of your voice. The texture of your heart. The power of your eyes. There is no holding back now, or else I swear to fucking God I'll leave you.
And I understand you and this is why this works. This is why love works. Understanding and communication. I understand your needs, your selfish needs, your unruly double-standard needs and I, I play in to that double-standard, call me Stella Kowalski. I abandoned you Blanche. I did not trust in the kindness of strangers. It is the fifth year now.
Then I start fucking bleeding and nothing make senses anymore the sky is not blue anymore I bleed all over my logic and I shit all over your parade, the parade starts melting and my heart sinks and aches, you are no longer understood and I am furious. I take a knife and stab you in the eye, I castrate your penis and feed it to the cats. Your heart I eat and your brains I pull out with the long nails that scratched your back in love. I am bleeding and everything is red, burning red, burning my insides out. I don't understand your sex I don't understand your power I don't understand your singleness I don't understand your dictatorship I don't understand your lust I don't understand your love and you don't fucking love me. You love your fucking dick.
I'm not bleeding anymore and you are back inside. I am a sea. You are a desert. Together we will be in old age and maturity. You are in love with me. I had to write this down.
Frantic. Sporadic. Frantic. Sporadic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. Frantic. What am I even saying anymore?
How come I haven't said anything in so long?
So many questions and my friends think I'm on something. And I wiggle my nose and bite on my lip and my eyes roll to the back of my head, for one second, for just that one second, and then I laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and I am laughing and laughing and laughing.
And I'm not even on drugs anymore. I'm not even on drugs anymore.
Still, I am high all of the time.
Slow. Unmotivated. Slow. Sloth. Dazed. Confused. Dazed. Dazed. Dazed. Dazed.
I learn about Elizabethen times and picaro novels and bildungshelden and MLA and APA and we all dream of sleeping.
I sleep and I am dead in sleep and I never used to sleep and now I sleep all the time. I sleep all the time, I came back and you fought for me, now I sleep all the time because I win. I was right. I am right. I stand here tall, I am short, I won. We are in a school stairwell where seeds have been sown before and I deny you, you hit me, and then you come in me and I sigh. I am defeated. You are in love with me. Call me, sub, Miss I've never been so in tune with the colour of your voice. The texture of your heart. The power of your eyes. There is no holding back now, or else I swear to fucking God I'll leave you.
And I understand you and this is why this works. This is why love works. Understanding and communication. I understand your needs, your selfish needs, your unruly double-standard needs and I, I play in to that double-standard, call me Stella Kowalski. I abandoned you Blanche. I did not trust in the kindness of strangers. It is the fifth year now.
Then I start fucking bleeding and nothing make senses anymore the sky is not blue anymore I bleed all over my logic and I shit all over your parade, the parade starts melting and my heart sinks and aches, you are no longer understood and I am furious. I take a knife and stab you in the eye, I castrate your penis and feed it to the cats. Your heart I eat and your brains I pull out with the long nails that scratched your back in love. I am bleeding and everything is red, burning red, burning my insides out. I don't understand your sex I don't understand your power I don't understand your singleness I don't understand your dictatorship I don't understand your lust I don't understand your love and you don't fucking love me. You love your fucking dick.
I'm not bleeding anymore and you are back inside. I am a sea. You are a desert. Together we will be in old age and maturity. You are in love with me. I had to write this down.