Dammit....
My eyes have not seen a dry night in a while...I'm sick of it.
Thoughts are running through my head and I'm having a really hard time battling with them. On the one hand...if I didn't have what I do now, none of this would ever happen, but I think I would feel extremely miserable and empty and lonely. On the other hand, what I have has been causing me that horrible pain in the depths of my chest that causes me to cry, yet it has the power to make me feel the happiest I've felt in a very long time. These are the thoughts that cross my mind everytime I shed tears and I just wonder sometimes...what is best for me? I know what I want...but is what I want best for me? For them? I hope it is...I want it to be...sometimes it's just so hard when they have become part of you...again...and all you want to do is be with them and spend time with them because you love being with them and spending time with them...but it just feels as if these feelings are going on a one way road. Sometimes I get so angry at myself for being so involved and letting myself be taken and vulnerable to emotions. I hate myself for doing things and buying things knowing in the back of my mind that it won't make an ounce of difference in the long run. I don't know...these have just been a tough few days for me...tougher than you know...you may think you know, but you just don't...and you don't have to pretend like you know, because I know you DON'T. This is dumb...I feel like a miserable old piece of crap right now, but in a few days I'll probably be all jolly again...what a bunch of bullshit huh? Whatever...if you have a problem with it go fuck youself. Good night.
Thoughts are running through my head and I'm having a really hard time battling with them. On the one hand...if I didn't have what I do now, none of this would ever happen, but I think I would feel extremely miserable and empty and lonely. On the other hand, what I have has been causing me that horrible pain in the depths of my chest that causes me to cry, yet it has the power to make me feel the happiest I've felt in a very long time. These are the thoughts that cross my mind everytime I shed tears and I just wonder sometimes...what is best for me? I know what I want...but is what I want best for me? For them? I hope it is...I want it to be...sometimes it's just so hard when they have become part of you...again...and all you want to do is be with them and spend time with them because you love being with them and spending time with them...but it just feels as if these feelings are going on a one way road. Sometimes I get so angry at myself for being so involved and letting myself be taken and vulnerable to emotions. I hate myself for doing things and buying things knowing in the back of my mind that it won't make an ounce of difference in the long run. I don't know...these have just been a tough few days for me...tougher than you know...you may think you know, but you just don't...and you don't have to pretend like you know, because I know you DON'T. This is dumb...I feel like a miserable old piece of crap right now, but in a few days I'll probably be all jolly again...what a bunch of bullshit huh? Whatever...if you have a problem with it go fuck youself. Good night.