greed or fear or laziness or..
i can't tell if i have too little on my mind or too much sometimes.
my weekly existence is pretty solitary. wake up, late. hit the starbucks for a couple minutes of random banter and a skim dirty chai. i'm really not opposed to whole milk or anything, but i have no desire to fart my way to work since it's usually the first thing that hits my system.
get to work around 1:30 or 2, get off around 10 or 11, depending on the day.
monday through wednesday my buddy's in the middle of his dui and is pretty much limited to being able to go to epicure, so i go hang out to give a friend some company. it also gives me to scribble down a page or two of my next shitty song, or be by myself without actually being by myself. if i've had a drink, i'll probably go to the lab. if i haven't, i'll probably go to the gym. all the other days i get off work and i'm not at epicure, i head to the gym and then to the lab. or maybe just the gym. i try to make it to the lab as often as possible, but can be pretty bad about the gym. in the back of my mind, my old boxing coach is still telling me that he thinks i can fight at 135. i think that's where i want to be.
home. computer. sleep.
most of the time, 6 days a week.
i really don't think i mind not having any real company, but i can feel myself searching for something more. it's really contrary -- i don't mind that my hours awake are everyone's sleeping hours because i like the peace and privacy, but at the same time, i'm disturbed that there's not someone out there that i'm close to.
paula came and found me last weekend, after work. we went for a midnight stroll, and talked about the present and the past. i told her that that night was probably going to be goodbye -- it was kind of fitting since we'd made the same walk at the height of our relationship. we talked amiably; she said she didn't want me to block her out... i think she didn't like the notion solely because of how it sounded. she teased and touched as the night came on, and finally, reached out and held my hand for a couple seconds, like it was old times. for a couple seconds, i felt something familiar in my hand. i had that closeness to someone that i'd missed for so long.. the feeling was inexplicable for a moment. i was actually close to someone for a couple seconds.
after she let go and apologized, i grind my fingers for a little while -- i don't even know why. i drive her to her car, give her a long hug goodbye. she pulls from the hug and gives me a long kiss on the cheek. i looked at her one last time, and said goodbye.
tonight, i'm just going to enjoy this beer, i think. and then tomorrow, i'm going to keep doing what i'm doing, if i can take it. save my day off, there's not much room for much of anything or anyone, these days. even if there was, i wonder sometimes if i could even handle it... i don't know. i'm probably drunk now.
my weekly existence is pretty solitary. wake up, late. hit the starbucks for a couple minutes of random banter and a skim dirty chai. i'm really not opposed to whole milk or anything, but i have no desire to fart my way to work since it's usually the first thing that hits my system.
get to work around 1:30 or 2, get off around 10 or 11, depending on the day.
monday through wednesday my buddy's in the middle of his dui and is pretty much limited to being able to go to epicure, so i go hang out to give a friend some company. it also gives me to scribble down a page or two of my next shitty song, or be by myself without actually being by myself. if i've had a drink, i'll probably go to the lab. if i haven't, i'll probably go to the gym. all the other days i get off work and i'm not at epicure, i head to the gym and then to the lab. or maybe just the gym. i try to make it to the lab as often as possible, but can be pretty bad about the gym. in the back of my mind, my old boxing coach is still telling me that he thinks i can fight at 135. i think that's where i want to be.
home. computer. sleep.
most of the time, 6 days a week.
i really don't think i mind not having any real company, but i can feel myself searching for something more. it's really contrary -- i don't mind that my hours awake are everyone's sleeping hours because i like the peace and privacy, but at the same time, i'm disturbed that there's not someone out there that i'm close to.
paula came and found me last weekend, after work. we went for a midnight stroll, and talked about the present and the past. i told her that that night was probably going to be goodbye -- it was kind of fitting since we'd made the same walk at the height of our relationship. we talked amiably; she said she didn't want me to block her out... i think she didn't like the notion solely because of how it sounded. she teased and touched as the night came on, and finally, reached out and held my hand for a couple seconds, like it was old times. for a couple seconds, i felt something familiar in my hand. i had that closeness to someone that i'd missed for so long.. the feeling was inexplicable for a moment. i was actually close to someone for a couple seconds.
after she let go and apologized, i grind my fingers for a little while -- i don't even know why. i drive her to her car, give her a long hug goodbye. she pulls from the hug and gives me a long kiss on the cheek. i looked at her one last time, and said goodbye.
tonight, i'm just going to enjoy this beer, i think. and then tomorrow, i'm going to keep doing what i'm doing, if i can take it. save my day off, there's not much room for much of anything or anyone, these days. even if there was, i wonder sometimes if i could even handle it... i don't know. i'm probably drunk now.