Why me? Why like this?
Why is it so difficult to share my feelings of others? Why must I fall deeply in love, but can never display my true feelings? Why is it I see all of my friends around me falling in love, being together, breaking up, making up, while I stand here in the midst of it all, seemingly oblivious to them all? I've never experienced any of these feeling, I've never been loved, nor respected, nor felt special. I've never even had a girlfriend in my whole life. Girls tell me I'm a great guy and that girls would love to go out with me, but they never do. I'm just the guy they turn to when they have problems with their partners. They look to me for answers, completely oblivious to the fact that although I will always help them, it pains me to do so, because I would die to just feel what they're feeling. I'd give an arm to feel the pain of love lost, just because I would know that I had it at one point. Everyone says love is the best feeling in the world, and that losing it is the worst, but they're wrong. The worst feeling in the world is knowing that at a point when your friends change relationships like a pair of socks, you've never felt either of these things. "It's better to love and lose, than never to love at all" is probably the truest quote I've ever heard, because I can vouche for how awful and gutwrenching that yearning in my heart can be. Like a relentless drill forcing its way out, my chest is filled with a gaping hole that grows larger day by day for lack of anything to fill it. Although it's a term people throw around these days like a candy wrapper, there are two girls who I've ever truely loved, for I still do. The only hint I have at knowing that I love them is because although I would do anything to be with them, all I truely wish for them is their own happiness. They both have relationships with guys they adore, and who adore them back, and for that I am thankful. One knows my feelings for her, for I've told her, and she understands. The other probably can guess, but I have yet to actually lay it down in front of her. It took me months to finally confront the first with my true feelings, and I've only recognized those same feelings for the second for a much shorter period of time. Perhaps in a bit I will let her know, perhaps sooner she will guess, but either way it won't help, because no matter how she feels, I know that again I will be left on the sidelines, pasted by for one reason or another. It would be easier on me if I had been told I was hideous, that no girl would ever dare be with me, then at least I'd have no reason to be hopeful, and then I could get on with my life. But no, it's not meant to be that easy. Continuously I've been reminded how great my personality is, how handsome I am, how witty my remarks are, and how chivalrous I can be. But all it all does is to deepen my sadness for if I truely have all these things, why have I remained alone all this time? Either there is something wrong with me that I cannot understand yet, or they are all lying to me. And so I sit here, yet again, pouring my emotions into the written language, and once again I feel that it's all to no avail, for as always, I will continue to languish in my sorrow and pain of love unanswered.