...
Damn you, Love, why must you tease me? Continually, you show me a glimpse of your glory, but it's through a crack in a door that I cannot open. You let me get close, then trip me up. The gears of emotions begin to turn rapidly inside of me, then you throw a wrench in and everything comes crashing down. My heart aches for a chance to feel what others feel, to just be able to hold someone in my arms, to smell her hair, feel her heartbeat, feel the warmth of her body, to have the feeling that just by the mere fact that she's there with me, everything is made better, brighter, happier. But my life is still denied that feeling, and all the others that come with it. I'm like a mutt, vying for the scraps that fall off the table. I'd take any part of that emotion, whether it be the sheer joy at seeing her smile, or the pain to watch her leave me...it's an emotion that I pray for every night, but to no avail. Why must I be forbidden this, the one thing that is said to be posessed by all humans? Why must something that I watch people throw around like it's nothing be kept away from me? My friends have been in love, and their friends, and the people down the street from me, and the guy who bakes their bagels in the morning, everyone, it seems, but me. What makes me different from them? What gives them thr right to be in love, and then make fun of me because I haven't been? Do they think that I will it not to be? If that is so, then why do I continue to write these collections of my thoughts, my longings, my anger? I write not for writing's sake, but to relieve the stress that takes hold of my organs and twists them, contorting them into tangels, tearing them apart and stomping on them until I'm a shell, a shadow of my former self. I have seen rock bottom, many times, but I still for some reason cease to give up. I find myself again and again clawing back up that sheer cliff, only to fall again before I even have sight of my goal.
Perhaps that is why they look down upon me, becuase I have not learned my place, becuase I refuse to accept my position as loveless in a world filled with it. But I'll show them, I'll prove them wrong, I will reach that heavenly spot, and I will bask in the sheer pleasure of it, and I will appreciate the sourness of falling back down, because it is part of the whole emotion. I have no false hopes of finding the love of my life in the first try, but just feeling the emotions of loving and being loved, if only for a short period of time, would make me feel more complete. But until then, I am an unwhole person, a fragment of what I could be, a sharp fragment that will poke and prod everyone who I meet until that special someone can grind and polish me into something worth having, and then fit that piece into the puzzel of my life to complete me.
O, me bella, velo solus esse cum te, pro tum futuro tote.
"Oh, my beautiful girl, I wish only to be with you, for then I will be complete."
Perhaps that is why they look down upon me, becuase I have not learned my place, becuase I refuse to accept my position as loveless in a world filled with it. But I'll show them, I'll prove them wrong, I will reach that heavenly spot, and I will bask in the sheer pleasure of it, and I will appreciate the sourness of falling back down, because it is part of the whole emotion. I have no false hopes of finding the love of my life in the first try, but just feeling the emotions of loving and being loved, if only for a short period of time, would make me feel more complete. But until then, I am an unwhole person, a fragment of what I could be, a sharp fragment that will poke and prod everyone who I meet until that special someone can grind and polish me into something worth having, and then fit that piece into the puzzel of my life to complete me.
O, me bella, velo solus esse cum te, pro tum futuro tote.
"Oh, my beautiful girl, I wish only to be with you, for then I will be complete."