(no subject)

[yeehawhillbilly]

Why don't I ever learn? Once again, I try to have some fun, and it always backfires. I went to the dance tonight, and it was ok for a little while...but then I had to leave. I hurt so much inside, I thought I was gonna puke. Why, you may ask, do I hurt? The answer is simple: everyone else was happy and having fun. I've come to the conclusion that I have some sort of inverse emotional connection with people around me. Whenever people are having fun, it sucks the happiness out of me, and I get depressed and shaky. I start zoning out, and then I focus back in and then the real pain hits. But when people are sad or have a problem, I feel happy and in an all around good mood. I don't know why, I can't explain it, but it sure as hell bothers me. Just seeing everyone there tonight, happy, many of them with a special someone to be happy with...and I can't help but to start feeling depressed. Everywhere I turned, people were having a good time, and I felt worse for feeling bad about it. I could tell I was about to snap, I had to get out of there. I wish I could just be normal, like everyone else. I wish I didn't always do the right thing, becuase that always seems to bring me just as much pain. I wish I could just have a good time with friends and not become depressed because I feel like I'm missing something, like a piece of me is just not there, and I suddenly realised that it's gone. I wish for a lot of things...mostly things that seem small and strange to people, but are such obstacles for me to overcome. I have trouble remembering the last time I was truely happy...but when I do, it only brings me more pain. Why has my life become like this? Why is everything so dark and dreary? Why does it always seem as if a shadow covers everything in my life? I sit here typing this, fully knowing that people are going to read it, and knowing that some of them will comment on it, and also knowing that some of those comments will be along the lines of "Don't worry, it can't really be that bad." Well, it is. I'm not a goth, and I'm not one to want others pity. I don't hate the world or my life, I just wish I could understand them better. I wish I could answer that question that always hangs in a pall over me: Why?

I wish there was someone else out there that could understand what my life is like right now, someone I could confide in with all of my fears and wishes and problems...