(no subject)
It's always been right there in front of me, but although it should've been obvious, I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I chase a ghost, a phantom, for the sole reason that I cannot have it. I attempt to understand and study for a test I cannot take. Why have I been cursed with this ambition, this drive to know what I'm not supposed to? To feel what I am denied? Why can't I just give up and leave it be, why must I persue my present course if the only place it will take me is through rapids that I cannot navigate? I reach out for Love with compassion, respect, and longing...and all I recieve in return is pain, denial, torment. I desire what I cannot have, and it hurts me to think of it as that, that I cannot have what every human being desires and feels at least once in their life. I quest for Love reciprocated, for the tender touch of someone who cares for me for no other reason than to reassure me that I'm not dreaming. But thus far that is all it has ever been, a dream. Nay, a nightmare. A nightmare of epic proportions because it's not over when I wake up, it becomes worse. Each and everyday I pass through society and look upon the wonders of this very human emotion that can be found upon the faces of my superiors, my inferiors, my peers, everyone but me.
I walk through the Valley of Shadows
But I fear no Evil
For those shadows are real, and I am the only shadow among them
Imagine just floating through your life, searching for a beacon in the night that never shines. Everything darkens and becomes shadows, but in fact everything is bright and you are the only shadow there, brushed away by the very light you seek. This is my existence, a shadow, floating, unseen in the light, ignored. It is only those who dare to seek me in the dark that may find me, cold, hungry, alone. There have been few of this character, but some of those have been my brightest beacons, a taste of what it could be like. However, it must remain a taste, for those who seek me seem to have to give something up in order to understand me. The few who understand that I wish not for passion, but merely for compassion, cannot give either to me, for they must give these to another in order to see me, a twisted trade-off. To tempt me like this, like a wild animal with a treat, is cruel and wrong, but I have known nothing else.
Even if I am condemned to this torment for eternity, I will comtinue to search for that small spark that could ignite the fire within and brighten my world to the farthest corners where no light has been seen for years.
I walk through the Valley of Shadows
But I fear no Evil
For those shadows are real, and I am the only shadow among them
Imagine just floating through your life, searching for a beacon in the night that never shines. Everything darkens and becomes shadows, but in fact everything is bright and you are the only shadow there, brushed away by the very light you seek. This is my existence, a shadow, floating, unseen in the light, ignored. It is only those who dare to seek me in the dark that may find me, cold, hungry, alone. There have been few of this character, but some of those have been my brightest beacons, a taste of what it could be like. However, it must remain a taste, for those who seek me seem to have to give something up in order to understand me. The few who understand that I wish not for passion, but merely for compassion, cannot give either to me, for they must give these to another in order to see me, a twisted trade-off. To tempt me like this, like a wild animal with a treat, is cruel and wrong, but I have known nothing else.
Even if I am condemned to this torment for eternity, I will comtinue to search for that small spark that could ignite the fire within and brighten my world to the farthest corners where no light has been seen for years.