'Look at this whol einside your heart...'
I can’t sleep
I feel as though I’m having some kind of Crisis.
Emotional? Moral? Mental?
I’m not quite sure.
The more I try to be myself, I realise the person I am is not me.
If that makes any sense what so ever.
I think I’m just a little girl attempting to play grown-ups.
I crave something. But I just can’t find what it is.
Some sort of connection I’m sure.
Apparently not physical.
Or Emotional.
What does that leave me with?
My body aches and it’s not from the weekend.
The things I think I want to do, I find reasons not to do them.
I have a million ideas of what I want to do with my life.
Each one sounding better and more appealing than the last.
Each one I convince myself I want to do.
Then I find reasons not to.
Maybe I should just do them.
Maybe I’m not as impulsive as I thought.
I'm impulsive with the little decisions.
'What the hell, let's drive into the city at 2:30 in the morning.'
'Let's skip doing what ever I was doing to sit on a couch and watch the cricket.'
'Screw it, just make out with her'
I used the word ‘convinced’ before. I think that’s what I do to myself a lot of the time.
I’m not happy with the person I think I am.
I’m also not happy with the person I know I am.
I don’t know which one I prefer.
And sticking my head in the sand and pretending it’ll all go away doesn’t help.
I want to say how I feel.
But, I honestly can not think of an answer.
Nor feel an answer.
I want to go dancing.
Back to the early days when we first started shuffling.
When it was all new, and fun, and I didn’t care what song was playing, as long as I could move to it, that’s all that mattered.
I think that’s one of the only happy memories I have.
Everything else that was good is now covered in something else.
Some mixture of pain and anger and guilt
And other little knife-stabbing emotions that don’t have names because it was too inhumane to mention them.
I want to find what ever it is that’s making me feel like this.
At least if I know what it is, I can get rid of it
Or avoid it.
Or, just deal with it.
I feel as though I’m having some kind of Crisis.
Emotional? Moral? Mental?
I’m not quite sure.
The more I try to be myself, I realise the person I am is not me.
If that makes any sense what so ever.
I think I’m just a little girl attempting to play grown-ups.
I crave something. But I just can’t find what it is.
Some sort of connection I’m sure.
Apparently not physical.
Or Emotional.
What does that leave me with?
My body aches and it’s not from the weekend.
The things I think I want to do, I find reasons not to do them.
I have a million ideas of what I want to do with my life.
Each one sounding better and more appealing than the last.
Each one I convince myself I want to do.
Then I find reasons not to.
Maybe I should just do them.
Maybe I’m not as impulsive as I thought.
I'm impulsive with the little decisions.
'What the hell, let's drive into the city at 2:30 in the morning.'
'Let's skip doing what ever I was doing to sit on a couch and watch the cricket.'
'Screw it, just make out with her'
I used the word ‘convinced’ before. I think that’s what I do to myself a lot of the time.
I’m not happy with the person I think I am.
I’m also not happy with the person I know I am.
I don’t know which one I prefer.
And sticking my head in the sand and pretending it’ll all go away doesn’t help.
I want to say how I feel.
But, I honestly can not think of an answer.
Nor feel an answer.
I want to go dancing.
Back to the early days when we first started shuffling.
When it was all new, and fun, and I didn’t care what song was playing, as long as I could move to it, that’s all that mattered.
I think that’s one of the only happy memories I have.
Everything else that was good is now covered in something else.
Some mixture of pain and anger and guilt
And other little knife-stabbing emotions that don’t have names because it was too inhumane to mention them.
I want to find what ever it is that’s making me feel like this.
At least if I know what it is, I can get rid of it
Or avoid it.
Or, just deal with it.