Chose the Bath

Nov 17, 2007 00:37

Im winding down and enjoying the first day of my thanksgiving break. Ive got about a week and a half off making me realize that there has been very little schoolage this past month. My projects are turned in - all but one - and now the work is pretty much down hill except for the forty or so essays I gotta grade.

I havn't felt like myself lately and by lately I mean a good while. Again Im stuck and confused how I got to a place I wasnt trying to head towards. I have this wierd foreboding sense. Fear is creeping up on me. Sometimes its little things but then others its my death one and Im lost as to why its so intense. Nothings even been triggering it but Ive felt on the brink of tears for a few days now and my stomach has been a tumult. The pain has subsided and Im coming out but its definetly been an odd week. I dont think there can be anything happening but then where does it come from?

I remember waking up one morning and getting ready for school with Alex and as we're putting on our shoes to head out she just looked at me and said, "Today's going to be a bad day." "Why would you say that?" "I dont know, Ive just got a feeling." By the time I got home from Will's after school I pointed a stern finger at her and proclaimed, "You are not allowed to make prophetic statments in the morning anymore." Its probably not like that situation but all I can say is definetly 2012 I am going to be by her side. Cause if the worlds going down, she knows where its headed.

I miss Nik. I miss holding him. Ive been beating myself up ever since I pulled away and messed up even though I dont think theres anything to fix. It just all happened so fast and whenever it seems like that its like I wasnt paying attention and when it slips through my fingers its my fault. I want to ramble and ramble and ramble with him but whenever I see him I just want to hold him, bury my head in his neck and tell him how much I love him.

But what hurts is that I think I need to accept the conclusion that I feel more deeply than he does. I am accepting it. I just want to make him happy and do anything for him but I dont think he wants anything from me. Which means I dont know what to do. Whenever we're good nothing makes me happier but the pain of dissonance is almost more than I can bare. When I feel pushed to the brink, realizing that I maybe need to take a break from him he does something so sweet that I melt. When Ive just about had it with my phone and waiting for him to call (and this has happened so many times its predictable) the five minutes Im not next to it he rings or texts and Im all smiles even if Ive just been crying. Im almost angry at the way he unconsciously knows how to pull me back and reassure me or tease me. When I think this is what we are, there is nothing more, and try acclamating to only being his friend he touches me a way, kisses me a way, talks to me in a way that has me tumbling for him again - and he doesnt even know. Im stuck in a place that I need to free myself from quickly. Even in being his friend, I need to bring myself back.

Where did my passion go, my fight? My humor? I havnt indulged in myself in sometime...my music, art, loves - even food. Especially when Im lovesick (even though its not just that), I just dont get hungry but I havnt eaten a full meal in weeks. Im going to Texas in Jan but I notice the routine syncing up again. Where I feel myself pulled thin and just as Im about to break I visit there for one reason or another. That just embeds Texas more into me. How did they flip flop? California was my vacation realm and whenever Id reach the brink there Id come out here for holidays or summer and spend only fun in the sun. It was my carefree wonderland. My oyster. The Eden I craved to go to. Whenever Id spend time with Audrey here, it was paradise. Roaming around Belmont Park at midnight with the rollercoaster all lit up, starbucks, and the two of us - the beach feet away. This is on me. This is my struggle.

Im thinking it may not be such a bad idea to talk to a therapist again like Sigmund. Just to talk because most of the time its just banter and venting although I dont know who or what Im really venting about. When words pass through me, melody passes through me, it takes with it the wisps of negativity and confusion. Ive missed Nik - and others - so much because that fear is encroaching on me and only when Im with people do I feel real, like that is the point of living - eachother. The warmth of another body.

Ill get through this. I always do. Its the natural ebb and flow of things that leads me here and back. Ill get back on my feet, it only takes time and patience. Preserverance. I want to get my daruma tattoo as soon as possible but without money thats proving difficult. Unless, with the money I get from these essays thats what I invest in. That or, I still want to pierce the back of my neck. After I grow my hair out a little, and can pull it off my neck. Better than these words that can heal me, physical expression calls to me. Luckily, my legs are lovely I think Ive really got a hold on my scratching but I did cave on my thighs a little. Its healing and will be gone before anyone will notice,

it centers me.

reminds me of my body.

and its connection to this world.

Dreams. Now those tricksters are getting to me again, going where they know quite clearly they're not supposed to go. But I desire them too.

Just like I desire you.
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