How will I know?
Just chillin' with my thoughts and my face (the animal that is). I feel exhausted but not tired enough to sleep. I've had the residue of a headache for a while but relaxing has eased it mainly. Thats what happens when you pull things from the depths - and realize things that have been long coming. I have hope - I wont give up - but that doesn't mean the words still dont sting. If this is what he needs though, okay. Take a breath, okay.
I've realized that the next big step I want to accomplish is to let go my impression of time. I put many restraints on myself for peculiar reasons but I want to cut those bonds and move beyond it. Let alone being too connected to my cell phone, time has always followed me. Increments of five minuts - ten minutes - a few days - only a couple of weeks. Life is what happens while waiting for shit to happen, right, or so they say, but what if I stopped waiting and existed for that in which I exist? Especially since I don't have a job and my only real responsibility is school so I should take advantage of not being limited to it. Half of my stresses is worrying, foolishly, over just my lack of time. Now thats a bad loop. Whats the rush? I know I've said this before but it is something I want to achieve to better myself.
Speaking of things acheived for myself, my mother went back to Texas without talking to me. I saw her the once, heard from her a few times when she called me up to ask for something but everytime we were supposed to do that thing (going to El Cajon, Julian, seeing Nana, going to the notary ect.) I didn't hear from her. She got what she wanted from my dad, he signed a letter which should give her some leeway with the courts and I havn't heard from her since. For whatever reason she didn't call me, I'm glad that I talked to her. Finally let it go. I'm not going to partcipate with her, paint each others toenails or what have you, but I'm not going to fight her anymore. She can be as involved in my life as she wants to. I'll work on being more accepting of what she does offer. Funny enough, it took a trip (warning: play on words) to my destination. It was instense, I felt a little awkward for randomly crying - I think I surprised Nik - but that was a big wall to let down. I remember talking to Angel before I left San Antonio and her telling me not to close that door completely. She had experienced much the same with her mother but it took almost a decade before she reconnected with her and embraced the past. And I, being the whipper snapper I was, said she already had - not cluing into that it was the exchange between the two of us that make a relationship. I'll hold the door but its up to her to walk through it, but I'm not focused on if she ever will.
I took a little trip, and thats what I came up with.
Time. Your next.
Need to finish up my short story for creative writing and start working on my final portfolio. I've loved this class, loved the motivation she offers. Its just a classroom and a reason but everything else is freedom in my hands. Even the short fiction section, can be excerpts from larger parts and I workshopped the intro to Radiohead on tues. It went off well, and I was pleased, got some great feedback to keep working on it. I will definetly be taking another creative writing class again. I even wish my class was bigger so there would be more material to be exposed to, some of the people in my class come up with great ideas. Most of it is introductory but there are still great ideas. You can tell whos there for the grade and whos there because they love to write.
Gonna write. Gonna paint. Gonna stretch - got such a kink in the neck. Gonna finish some homework and pass out.
I've realized that the next big step I want to accomplish is to let go my impression of time. I put many restraints on myself for peculiar reasons but I want to cut those bonds and move beyond it. Let alone being too connected to my cell phone, time has always followed me. Increments of five minuts - ten minutes - a few days - only a couple of weeks. Life is what happens while waiting for shit to happen, right, or so they say, but what if I stopped waiting and existed for that in which I exist? Especially since I don't have a job and my only real responsibility is school so I should take advantage of not being limited to it. Half of my stresses is worrying, foolishly, over just my lack of time. Now thats a bad loop. Whats the rush? I know I've said this before but it is something I want to achieve to better myself.
Speaking of things acheived for myself, my mother went back to Texas without talking to me. I saw her the once, heard from her a few times when she called me up to ask for something but everytime we were supposed to do that thing (going to El Cajon, Julian, seeing Nana, going to the notary ect.) I didn't hear from her. She got what she wanted from my dad, he signed a letter which should give her some leeway with the courts and I havn't heard from her since. For whatever reason she didn't call me, I'm glad that I talked to her. Finally let it go. I'm not going to partcipate with her, paint each others toenails or what have you, but I'm not going to fight her anymore. She can be as involved in my life as she wants to. I'll work on being more accepting of what she does offer. Funny enough, it took a trip (warning: play on words) to my destination. It was instense, I felt a little awkward for randomly crying - I think I surprised Nik - but that was a big wall to let down. I remember talking to Angel before I left San Antonio and her telling me not to close that door completely. She had experienced much the same with her mother but it took almost a decade before she reconnected with her and embraced the past. And I, being the whipper snapper I was, said she already had - not cluing into that it was the exchange between the two of us that make a relationship. I'll hold the door but its up to her to walk through it, but I'm not focused on if she ever will.
I took a little trip, and thats what I came up with.
Time. Your next.
Need to finish up my short story for creative writing and start working on my final portfolio. I've loved this class, loved the motivation she offers. Its just a classroom and a reason but everything else is freedom in my hands. Even the short fiction section, can be excerpts from larger parts and I workshopped the intro to Radiohead on tues. It went off well, and I was pleased, got some great feedback to keep working on it. I will definetly be taking another creative writing class again. I even wish my class was bigger so there would be more material to be exposed to, some of the people in my class come up with great ideas. Most of it is introductory but there are still great ideas. You can tell whos there for the grade and whos there because they love to write.
Gonna write. Gonna paint. Gonna stretch - got such a kink in the neck. Gonna finish some homework and pass out.