Why not

Aug 28, 2007 18:02

So, for the hell of it, I'd thought I'd dabble on here for a bit until I figure out what I want to do with my evening. Luckily, my papa is here and we might go out for dinner. I could use actual food. I'm not proud of this, but out of curiosity motivated by my morning shower, I weighed myself. I'm 121 pounds. I knew that I had lost weight by looking at myself but i didn't realize it was this drastic. I was 135 in June. I never care too much about my weight, give or take a couple of pounds I've got good bones that allow it to hang well and I've never looked fluffy even at my heaviest which was floating around 140-5. I'm just a little unnerved by how skinny how fast. I feel sick all the time. This is not my body anymore.

My issues pale in comparison, however, and I have greatest sympathies for my Audrey love. Dissonance has been a point in my life lately. She might have to come next week, which I am estatic to hear, but for all the wrong reasons. I'm not even sure if I can see her in an actual sense, hopefully I can steal her for just a bit. For a pick me up spin around SD. Audrey, you don't realize how serious I am when I say I miss you and wish we were in the same location.

I miss having someone to talk to. Really talk to. Not argue, or mull over problems, I'm tired of crying or not crying and feeling ill. I've mentioned this before, either on some other format or even just to myself, but i've been alone for so long that I'm ready to pour my heart into someone. Romanticly or in a friend, but looking and wanting it are what keep it out of my fingers. I've learned this lesson well, nothing comes when your looking. You must realize that you've already found it. But where? Unless I'm working on a change I seek within myself, I'm where I want to be, so if I'm not seeing the change that I want, then apparently I'm not working on it.

Lizards and snakes crawl through my body, funny how they all have my face.

Is it comforting to know that people read you well from afar? Does that mean you are unapologeticly open with who you are or that you have nothing else to offer then what they see?

Had a peculiar thought just now. One that I've thought about recently, but just came back to me. Will the greatest relationship that I know be with my father? I come home from school, throw my bookbag on the couch, and found him laying on this bed taking a nap. No reservations, I crawled into bed and curled up next to him like I was seven years old again. I can't even explain how our relationship began and how its maintained as I've grown. We have similar personalities, I know that, but is that all it takes? Is it plausible that to be compatible with people and have long lasting relationships all we need to do is fill out personality tests? I acknowledge my grandmother was a dedicated and loving woman but my father has admitted to not having a relationship with her that was like ours. In fact, I've never met or heard of anyone with a relationship like ours. Its odd...he's not the best person in the world, hes passionate (agressive/quick to anger/what not), a little racist and hard headed, narrowminded at times, hes unforgiving of other peoples vices and is judgemental, hes done selfish unhonorable things but I accept him for them. Because hes my father or whatever reasons I discover for myself, I accept him for who he is, realize I'm not going to change that - don't want to really, and forgive him. Why does it feel like I won't do that for others? Nik...William...Alex...anyone. What power does anyone really have over eachother? We influence, of course, and enough influences and circumstances can lead anywhere but what true overall power do we have? Is it a matter of respect? Trust? Love? Why do I know I'm capable of this but yet fall short of performance? Expectations are a funny thing. I don't have many expectations for my father because what could he fufill? Is eradicating these pesky little hopes a means by which primarily accepting people? At this moment, until I figure other wise, it sounds plausible. My limits and constrains should not be placed on others, I can hardly fufill them myself. But that leads me to my original question. Thinking about Alex, and little Brena on the way, I realize how anxious I am to be a parent. Never fear, everyones on red alert, I've had my share of rejoicing at the female ability this week, and I don't mean soon, but I mean that when I finally have kids I feel like that will be a part of myself completed, or me hoping for as much. I will be a good mother and pray that I can enjoy a fraction of the interaction my father and I share. Its an ethereal connection. I never feel like my father is there, frequently I can hardly remember his face (frighteningly enough), but he is a part of me with no burdens, no restrictions, simply translucent pure understanding. I would hope to share that with another some day, hope I could be as lucky, but if not - I cherish with every ounce of my being what I have. Because, who knows, like my love losing her grandfather in the beat of a heart, its one thing no one expects.
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