You were the last good thing about this part of town...
I wanna walk but want some company too. Damn time difference, damn 1500 miles, hmmm...and Nik's not answering my text. I just might wait until my dad falls asleep, he likes to convince me I'm going to get mugged, and then just go sit on the curb. I need some air.
Where is your boy tonight? Apparently, hes sitting on his couch at home playing rainbow six and being frustrated at me. Got ahold of William for alittle while at work and we elaborated upon our conversation, which wasn't heading in a good direction originally, later. You would think, with all the words that I manage to muster in the day, that I would be able to explain how the mechanics of my heart works but, alas, I can't. How else can I explain that it just stopped...that I don't feel anything. I know I shed a few tears when he said he hated me and the power I have but again there was no tumult in my stomach nor conflict in my mind. I'm not a selfish person...if he doesn't want to be in my life then I can't make him stay. I can only reassure him that I will always want him there. Half of the time I think he does this to himself, blames himself, and sabotages his own intentions by beating himself up all the time and making unfounded assumptions about my position - even when I don't know it myself. I can't explain it any other way. I'm content with my life here and yes, that life doesn't openly include him because there are two parts to my world California and Texas. They are bridged in Audrey but besides that they revolve in two parallel universes that have a strange sense of deja vu whenever they intersect. His expectations of me are almost too much - despite how he denys them - his hope inaffect is an expectation and the pressure almost makes this hard. Ball's in his court, he knows my posistion although he likes to convince himself otherwise, and I will accept his conclusion, whatever he decides is best for him is whats best for the both of us. He doesn't want to accept that truely, all I want, is for him to be happy with or without me, at my expense or not.
We are young. Like he said, its tough meeting the girl you could spend the rest of your life with when your 19, it is what it is. Fairytales aside, my white knight has put his helmet away. Unfortunately from a girl persepective, not only can I rescue myself now - I'm smart enough not to put myself in distress. James and Adrienne, Noel and Angel, even Tom and Amrin, sometimes the highschool sweetheart just remains that enigmatic symbol of youth, the one who was there while you figured it all out, expierienced it the first time, saw it with bright eyes, and appreciate it for just that - its preciousness. I love him for it.
Teenage flesh.
Almost brave.
Almost pregnant.
Almost in love.
Every moment I collect - even if it doesn't contribute to hope - I'll cherish. Is it that peculiar to love just to love and not expect return?
Restore you in life.
Where is your boy tonight? Apparently, hes sitting on his couch at home playing rainbow six and being frustrated at me. Got ahold of William for alittle while at work and we elaborated upon our conversation, which wasn't heading in a good direction originally, later. You would think, with all the words that I manage to muster in the day, that I would be able to explain how the mechanics of my heart works but, alas, I can't. How else can I explain that it just stopped...that I don't feel anything. I know I shed a few tears when he said he hated me and the power I have but again there was no tumult in my stomach nor conflict in my mind. I'm not a selfish person...if he doesn't want to be in my life then I can't make him stay. I can only reassure him that I will always want him there. Half of the time I think he does this to himself, blames himself, and sabotages his own intentions by beating himself up all the time and making unfounded assumptions about my position - even when I don't know it myself. I can't explain it any other way. I'm content with my life here and yes, that life doesn't openly include him because there are two parts to my world California and Texas. They are bridged in Audrey but besides that they revolve in two parallel universes that have a strange sense of deja vu whenever they intersect. His expectations of me are almost too much - despite how he denys them - his hope inaffect is an expectation and the pressure almost makes this hard. Ball's in his court, he knows my posistion although he likes to convince himself otherwise, and I will accept his conclusion, whatever he decides is best for him is whats best for the both of us. He doesn't want to accept that truely, all I want, is for him to be happy with or without me, at my expense or not.
We are young. Like he said, its tough meeting the girl you could spend the rest of your life with when your 19, it is what it is. Fairytales aside, my white knight has put his helmet away. Unfortunately from a girl persepective, not only can I rescue myself now - I'm smart enough not to put myself in distress. James and Adrienne, Noel and Angel, even Tom and Amrin, sometimes the highschool sweetheart just remains that enigmatic symbol of youth, the one who was there while you figured it all out, expierienced it the first time, saw it with bright eyes, and appreciate it for just that - its preciousness. I love him for it.
Teenage flesh.
Almost brave.
Almost pregnant.
Almost in love.
Every moment I collect - even if it doesn't contribute to hope - I'll cherish. Is it that peculiar to love just to love and not expect return?
Restore you in life.